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Marriage, a bad idea

User#1022

User#1022

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Hi everyone,

This is my first post but after going through the forum it seems to be the right place to blow some steam...

I have been married for 5 years now, and since a couple of years it's only been downhill.
Before getting married, things were great: going out regularly, plenty of sex and intimacy (hugs, kisses, I love you and all).

Since then we got 2 kids, which obviously put a strain on our relationship, but now that they are a bit bigger, I was hoping things would turn a bit better... But no
I feel like our relationship has slowly turned to one of those typical crappy japanese couple: no sex, no love, no communication.

I think i must have tried everything: being nicer, negociation and getting angry, but nothing changes. So here I am, 5 years down the Line, in a relationship that I wanted to avoir at any cost.

Maybe a bit more patience on my side coule be good, but after 5years, I am running out of it...
Thanks for listening.
 
Did she say why she's not happy or anything? Maybe should sit down and talk it out and see what's troubling her....
 
User#1022 said:
Maybe a bit more patience on my side coule be good, but after 5years, I am running out of it...
Thanks for listening.
Click to expand...

Did you talk to people who were married with kids to Japanese women (in Japan) before you did this? I'm sorry if this is not much consolation, but your situation sounds like every other 5yo marriage in Japan that I have ever heard about.

All of my friends who are married with kids to Japanese women hate their marriages and are desperate to get out.

The best thing about Japan is being able to bang lots of, mostly Japanese, girls on a regular basis, and that remains true whether you're married or not. Married Japanese people don't fuck their spouses, and as far as I can tell the best thing about being married to a Japanese woman is the fact that she wont be at all shocked to find that you are grazing your cock in younger pastures. If you have a good income, do what the Japanese guys do, get yourself a young mistress.

kiddo78: Great idea! I bet that never occurred to him.
 
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A few of my Japanese girlfriends are married and get no sex or very little sex after 1-2 years of marriage. They thrive off meeting new men for a 'FWB' situation and jetting around the local love hotels.

Before you ask, they're mostly interested in J-guys only. :O
 
following up on what karen said and op. this is also typical of what i see and know. the reciprocating prejudice of white male to asian female rarely lasts (through marriage and beyond). you will see young white male to asian female couples all over the world, tv, magazines, since it is actually a mainstream accepted prejudice setup. but as the reality of married life sets in, they see that their expectations are literally worlds apart.

note: i don't know what race the op is.
 
katjo said:
note: i don't know what race the op is.
Click to expand...

The point that Karen and I were trying to make is that Japanese people don't fuck their own spouses, no matter what race they are, and consequently they fuck people who aren't their own spouses, no matter what race they are.
 
And that is why J-men have high rates of Hep C and other little bugs. On the other hand, it is an injustice to say that a vast majority of married J-people do this type of thing. If one took a good look at it, usually the woman cuts the husband off and then the husband starts looking elsewhere. This is a cultural thing based on duty. When the woman's "duty" is up around 40 or so, then the husband gets the cold shoulder. By duty, I mean birthing babies. Funny thing about societal acculturation at a young age, sometimes it works out and sometimes it does not.

As we have seen recently, a J-wife does not have to step out just because she is not getting any, they do it for money as well. Lots of amateur prostitution bars popping up and a good number of the women in those bars are married looking for extra yen. A few media sources have suggested that the J-husbands have no idea what their wives are doing due to working 12 hours a day. Duty again has ruined the societal views of what sex in a marriage is for.

Now we all should know the cultural influences on marriage in Japan, but we should also want to know why these couples mentioned are not having sex. It is not a normal thing to say this is a normal thing in Japan. I would think this is a small minority that seemingly looks more prevalent than what it really is.
 
For all the men to come and one in particular

This is going to be really, really long. Bear with me.


Hi User#1022,

I know it's been a long time since you posted this, but I would like to offer you a few things from a similar perspective.

My Background:
- I've been married a while longer than you.
- No kids.
- No sex for around 1/3 of my marriage.
- A few arguments here and there these days.
- I consider divorce daily (probably at least 2 to 3 times a day for over 5 minutes.)
- My relationship causes me mild to moderate bouts of depression quite regularly.
- Contact with my spouse worsens the above effect rather than alleviates it.
 
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Back to you:
First, I understand where you are coming from. I've done a few things to blow off steam on the internet, such as ranting about various topics (everything really). Your action here is really welcome and taking a step like this to privately get your feelings out is definitely good (I’m doing the same here). Second, you are one of many who are unhappy with their relationship. Whether Japanese-Japanese or Foreigner-Japanese or even Foreigner-Foreigner, being unhappy with one's relationship or marriage is quite common (just do a little Googling and you’ll see). The opposite, of course, is also true (yes, people out there are actually happy – lots and lots and lots of them; just not you and me, right?); however, for this posting, I think it's better to talk about us and what's happening in our world (which isn't on the happy side). Finally, you are doing all the right things. You have done EXACTLY what I have done in the past and still do.
 
In terms of what is going on, if you are anything like me, you are in this position. You and your wife started out getting it on regularly. You and she were satisfied with that situation and were enjoying yourselves. This is good. Then baby number one came. There was probably a subtle change around about then or before. After that sex most likely decreased and then there was a bounce (baby got bigger, agreement to have second baby, just feeling randy, accidental rape, etc.). This resulted in the second child and then you really noticed the change. If you were to grab a piece of paper, I bet if you really consider it, you can draw the downward curve of your sex life and probably even figure out a few of the changes that motivated it.
 
I want you to know that this is REALLY normal, not just here, but elsewhere also. We all know or have heard about it, but living it is a whole different ball game.
 
So, establishing this, what I have discovered for myself is that there are certain points of change that often result in our situations. An example, but not from my own life as I need to lower how easy it is to figure out who I am (this post is a little too obvious, so I’ve used other people’s examples where possible to mix it up, but still make the points you so desperately need). A friend of mine is in our situation. He got married 3 years ago. He says to me that he lost it in his marriage after he started smoking. It was all those damn vending machines that hooked him in and the work parties. He just started. She never complained. One day they were kissing less (probably because of the odor/flavor) next there was no hand touching. Finally, the arguments started rolling in. Things were said. He stayed too hard on the side of not giving up, even though he should and would of if she hadn’t blitzkrieged him to the extent she did. Next thing he knows, she’s extended her range. What was just smoking has become all the other things she didn’t like about his way of life. Now he finds it hard to go a day without resenting her. She definitely won’t fuck him and, even though he quit, the change hasn’t come. He basically just lost his footing with her in the relationship. He did the talking thing. He changed himself, but it didn’t change anything. I’ve told him, honestly, what I have written below. He’s said to me that he’ll probably do my method, which is not the best idea as it doesn’t get him or his wife back to square one again – it just extends the animals torment, but with the bonus that he can stay in the country (his visa is due in six months or so). He’s not stepping out because it’s more beneficial not to and this is a choice a ton of husbands and wives make across the world. That doesn’t have to be your choice. You can make a different decision or my decision or anything you like. This is your life and know that I, for one, accept you and your decision. What you do is right for you and that is the best way to live.
 
Using the above as a jump off, let's look at what you can do.

# Divorce her.
# Keep her and try to make things better.
# Keep her and try to ignore it.
# Don't divorce her and move out.
# Start messing around outside the relationship.
# Any 50 shade of gray that I haven't mentioned.

Look at the above and make a choice for now.
 
Let's assume you want to keep her (I'll talk about divorce and fucking around later). Here's my battle plan [untested because I am choosing 'Keep her and try to ignore it' because it is more useful to make use of her for her visa potential, steady home life, Japanese ability and occasional company.]
 
1) Talk doesn't work. It just doesn't in our situation. You can argue, shoot off steam, punch her in the face, plead, cry, beg, whatever. Talk is not the answer. It just has such a low impact when you are fucked up that it doesn't work for either of you. You only end up feeling better for a little bit.
2) Romance is your weapon. Ok, ok, I get it. Romance is a pain in the ass, especially if you are poor. Listen, my friend, this is not pop soda advice. I'm saying to you that you need to go backwards in time and unfuck things. Romancing her is doing. Romancing her is trying. Romancing her may lead to fucking, or not (sometimes, no matter how hard you try things just don’t work out. Just accept that and ignore it for now.).
3) Don't over think it. Just go tell her that you want to go on a date. Ask her if she has time and set it up. Be the fucking wall to her. Just accept all the BS and hate she will throw at you and take it in. This is your game face. If she denies you, take it in. Hear it and try again the next week and the next and the next. If she cares about you then she will go somewhere like the movies with you eventually.
 
4) Make it romantic. Shock the bitch. Use your stunner and do it. If you are a casual guy (movies, whatever), don't run the road that leads to a normal association. She has ideas about what is 'normal' for her and you and you need to bust that shit open with a sledge hammer and a shot gun (Explanation: She has a wall of ideas that you need to break down by changing how you do things and how you react to things she does. Make it clear that this is VERY different and it will shock her system, which will allow you to change her associations to things such as the ‘we are not fucking’ association she has going that is ruining your life). Go formal. Show her formally that you are going to mind fuck her.
5) Accept that you are not going to get laid the first time. Also, accept that you might take her somewhere that just doesn't work. You might want to even consider going somewhere that is known as a 'classic' date spot for Japanese people. You need to make it clear that this is different (THE KIDS MUST NOT BE WITH YOU ON THE DATE BY THE WAY - that's family life. I'm going to tell you now that if you want to make a cock sandwich out of her, you need to say - not with words, never-ever-EVER with words - that this is just you and her. A new game, not the old game.)
 
6) Break the chain of family life a bit (see what I just said above). Start taking her out regularly. No set days, just regularly. Keep punching her wall until you get some cracks or her crack, whichever. Remember you are not going to get laid for fucking AGES. This is a slow process, like making sake. You don’t barrel that magic sauce up and expect it to become gorgeous leg opening elixir. Your sex life is like fine wine. You are going to have to let it breathe for a bit. It/she will taste better that way.
7) After awhile start building physical intimacy with her. It needs to be a slow boil, ok. You are running hot - steaming, boiling horny (I know I am right now). You MUST take it slow. A finger touch on date two. A reach with no connection or even (if Yoda is with you), a hand touch. The same goes with kissing. Just a brush of the cheek will be enough to blow her mind if she wants it. Kiss her hand or even a finger or shoulder. Whatever works. Just take it very slow. It might take a year to get to the blow job stage, but if you want to fix this (which for this I assume you do), then slow build the fire back in her. You are boiling with hormones that are messing with your brain (I was considering train jumping - in a theoretical way - tonight because I'm so fucking stressed from sex and life shit. Don't be me. Don't do that shit to yourself. Big breaths, hold that cock back - remember dating. Don't fuck them on the first date. Boil that bitch up until she's ready. Marriage is the long game, fucking is the long game, it all takes time – much like cheese.)
 
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8) All throughout this you are going to need to give gifts, love notes, flowers, canned coffee, notes (Thanks for dinner last night. It was tasty. XXX Bob. [Or] I love you, babe. I woke up and looked over at you this morning and thought ‘damn sexy’. Just saying. Hugs. XXX Bobster.) and other things like that. Complement her, touch her when she's cooking and whisper to her how lovely the food smells and how good she smells too.
9) THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT AT ALL LEVELS. From now onwards you are a cold-mother-fucker. You are Samuel L. Jackson cold inside. Stay frosty, 24-7. That doesn't mean be frosty too her. That means be calculating. When you lay a comment on her with the old 'hit and run' do it subtly. Everything is ice cold for you. You must be the terminator. You and your body are just a complicated machine with the one purpose of getting back the intimate side of your relationship. Everything you do is thought out. You know at 6pm when you get home from work you are going to be all peppy and shit and talk about how wonderful your fucking peppy life is (even if it’s not) then you are going to be A-Fucking peppy about her day and pay full attention (take some Redbull or something and focus - deep breaths). If she gives you shit, don't fight back. Accept it. You are the shit mill: She gives it; you grind it. Be cold. Think everything through. Plan your attack.
 
10) If you are a bit weighty or not so pretty (me) then throughout this you should be controlling your calories, hitting the gym (this is important for every choice). You want to model your stuff up. If you are over 40 like me, work harder and smarter. Get fit and look hot. Change out your clothing as you go out with her. Have you friends compliment you in front of her (guy friends
 
Long first post, eh? Let's keep on.

Fucking around: Do it with whores! Don't fuck your co-worker or something stupid like that. I don't care if she's hot and you love her ass that just Vs out like that, which makes you want to part and patrol that zone with your guy nebula. Ah, yeah… dirty bitch. Seriously, I need to stop thinking about that bitch... Also, remember to be cold about that too. Your wife must never know, nor even suspect. Make up shit to explain your change in mental state (blowing your load will change you). You have kids. Do you want them hearing about your second life (and that really is what it is)? Don't fuck around if you can strat out a way to fuck some whores quietly. It can be done (not speaking from experience here.) You’ll find that this place is A+ for how to get out on the game. The escort agency listing is particularly useful (don't use your phone, use a pay phone or email at a cafe - be James Bond. No links, no ties, plausible denial is your friend.)
 
Maintaining the flow of pain. One thing I can advise to you is this: don't fight back. Fuck her because it's not worth it. I stopped fighting back and it really works. I'm a fucking shit chewer. I love manure. Bring the shit. I never really respond. I just let the conversation burn down to cold. That's one tool to survive this. Second, is reduce contact time. I did and it works. Take up an outside hobby. Play with the kids outside. Take them somewhere. Go drinking more often. Find a room in your house and create a man cave. Just be with her less. She is very likely not going to divorce you and if she fucks around and you catch her out then you have won. Get that shit on tape and burn her in divorce court. Third, get fit. There's nothing like having girls look at you and think 'damn, that's a fit looking white shrimp. I like tofu, but I could go for some shrimp right now.' You don't seek such attention, but your well pressed suit with the typical man bling that hides a chiseled fuck physique tells other women that you are not like the rest. You are man stud and they must worship your long dong. Let the bells ring! (I do most of this and I'm working on the last one. Only 10 more centimeters on the waist to rock hard abs ;))
 
Don't divorce her and move out. Why would I suggest this? First, your visa lasts until its expiry date (remember my friend above). If you have a visa renewal coming up, get the permanent one (I'm getting mine next year.) or self sponsor and move out. You don't want to be hunting for a full time job and messing up your game face with shitty contracts. Second, you have kids. Divorce is nasty and she is Japanese. Whatever anyone says, you are the man in the relationship. You are basically fucked. Don't sign the papers is your answer. Just move out and hold out. Off topic: If you are going to swap out her for a new model, quietly sit down at the park or go for a walk now and write out exactly the woman you want. You need to know what you don't want (you'll know) and what you want (you'll know). After that it's just a matter of finding your sexy, curvy, fun, similar interested, career girl woman, who takes care of her body. Umm... yeah, or something like that.
 
Divorce: This is a game changer. This is where you get into the big leagues. Here are a few things you need to know. 1) You are going to have to prove you are a good husband. Photos, recordings, video, audio, letters, emails, mails that show you are a good husband are what you now must collect in a place where the woman cannot find or destroy them. Get a friend to hold your 'box' or get a storage box or go multiple digital with encryption (me). She is going to have natural 'good wifeness' because she is a woman and a native member of the one race. You are an outsider and a man. If you want to keep your kids, your money, your investments and whatever, you need to have a firm statement that you are the boss. 2) Buy a recorder and keep it on you. When you fight with her record it. (Be a cold MFucker. Go to a electronics super store or a spy store and get a stealth recorder [stick type is good, concealable is better] or buy an iPod/iPhone and get a stealth app [one click recording, of phone storage, looks like something else]. Video tape the evil that is her in full fight if you can. The bedroom dresser is your friend – I have a few recorded just in case things go sideways. You can do this too.) Fuck laws. If a judge sees a surprise video of her beating your shit with as stick then you are the winner. You will get the kids, your money and everything. Remember the number one rule of marriage: If this shit went bad, can I trust the person to be nice? The answer is no. That rule applies for business and relationships. You need a goal-orientated action plan to rip this bitch a new hole in court. She gets what you think is fair (I recommend 50/50 with court ordered custody drafted by YOUR lawyer in English with the Japanese version being a derivative and subject to the interpretation of the English contract - it’s never too late to get a pre-nup by the way.) You should also get your phone, any internet, car, personal goods in your name. That will simplify any property fights during the ‘I’m fucking out of here stage.’
 
3) Have an emergency fund. Start moving money back home under the pretense of investment in good interest rates. Have 25% in that account. That's your nest egg for when things go to shit (and they will if you take this route.) Also, cut the joint account down like a tree that is ruining your view of the blue sky. Split the money in half (just do it or lie and do it) and tell her you want to change the money situation. Make sure you have these items in this order on hand with photocopies (signed by the Japanese immigration, your immigration, the bank and your 'secret' lawyer): Passport, visa, bank book, and bank cards. You also need 300-600k yen in cash in a place you know about. Do not let her chuck you out without getting that cash. Call the cops and show them photos of her and you together. Bring out that video of that happy moment where you kissed her and took a video. Show them that you belong there and explain that you only need 20 minutes or less to get your stuff. Your bank roll shouldn't be at home, but you want to ensure you have your stuff. 4) Know how to format a hard drive on demand or take your PC with you. YOU MUST NOT LEAVE DIGITAL TRACKS. My PC has a cover on the side. I can remove my hard drive in seconds, if I can't take the PC with me. No fucking porn, photos of you with bitches, text messages left over. If you keep it then encrypt it. Those cum shots with other girls just aren't worth it. 5) Where is the nearest (cheapest) hotel? I bet you don't know. You need to hit Google maps and search for 'hotel' in Japanese. You then need to walk there a few times and know at least 4 places. You cannot carry your shit across the damn city. You want to be in and out getting as much of your stuff out as you can before she can do a grab on something. Use two taxis or three if you need to. Don't rely on friends. If they are her friends too then they are the enemy. She can turn anyone she knows about. "He hit me for years. He fucks whores. He's a bastard." Those are your death sentence, my friend. Divorce is a hardboiled game and you are going to be hurting. Don’t ever rely on someone you can’t trust to help you when things are going down faster than curry diarrhea. Anyone you can pay is safe. Anyone you can’t is probably the enemy. All said, you are better off doing the secret move into an apartment you set up before hand. There are heaps of ‘by the month’ places that will do the job for you. 2 hours (exactly 25 minutes for me at my fastest pace during tests) is enough to pack up. Be roadrunner. Tortoises get eaten in the real world. Play a leading game, not a following one. Never let your woman out maneuver you in the divorce war. People die that way. 6) Know your procedures. This is step one, step two, step three. You don't plan this one by ear. This is not the Disney Channel. From the moment the game is on, you are at cold war with her. Never talk to her without recording it - after the word is out. Don't meet with her without your lawyer or a video camera totting friend on hand. Don't use anyone corruptible. She is not Mickey Mouse. She will not hug you and say it’s ok to take half the property and income. Fear her and use that fear to go on the defensive. YOU ARE A HARBOILED SOB. A killer of love. A demon of divorce action. That's your game face here. 7) Adjust. The game is up. You want the kids and 50% (if she cheated and you have her then leave her some spare change and then cancel her right to be near you and your family.) Don't whore it out on the first day. She probably has eyes on you. Stay sober, exercise some, build a boat - I don't care - but don't give her any cards to play with. This is not the time to hook up with your lover. This is time to bluff that you are a good guy.
 
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