@fireman
Totally agree. Many men have problems with Japanese women, because they are trying to treat them in an ideal Western way.
I had to learn the hard way too. I have been in Japan for years, been married, and lived with a number of women. I'm not talking theory, but hard earned experience. And I have many Western male and Japanese pals, with similar issues. I have specifically studied the subject and talk to numerous people living in Japan and dating or married to Japanese women.
And, before I go on, I like Japanese women and Japan. That's partly why I live here. So...
Nearly all Japanese women, with the exception of bi-racial ones that grew up with BOTH parents or grew up in the West, do NOT truly understand Western culture. And even that which they do understand, may conflict with her Japanese belief system or deeply embedded Japanese ideals.
She may speak excellent English, even went to college in the West or lived in the West a few years, but Japanese culture and thinking can still be dominant for her.
Many Western guys get CONFUSED and make the mistake that their Japanese girlfriend understands the Western concept of an ideal relationship. That is often a HUGE ERROR, that will bite them in the butt later.
Some Western guys may also try forcing her to understand, through long talks or lots of complaining. She may nod her head yes, even repeat back what you said, but it's often pointless.
She may even explicitly state she wants a Western style relationship, but she will often NOT understand how to implement it or unconsciously or secretly reject it.
And actually, many Western guys, don't know specifically what kind of relationship that he wants either or what roles he wants her to fulfil. Thus adding to her confusion.
What Western guys should be aware of:
1. Western style kindness and chivalry, is seen as a weakness. She will think of you as a weak man she can abuse.
2. Begging, whining, or complaining only makes her think you are weak or less of a man.
3. Relying or depending on her in any way, be it for rent money or even laundry, is something she sees as being able to exploit to her advantage OR something she may come to resent you for later.
Resentment and revenge are arguably strong themes in Japanese passive aggressive behavior and honne vs tatemae.
4. Very related to that, is relying or depending on her for sex. She will see it as an exploitable weakness that she can manipulate you with OR later resent your requests/demands for it.
If there is no female competition to take her position, she may feel she owns you. Sex is to be dealt out as a reward or based on her mood, how she sees fit, not based on the man's requests or demands. Especially not when he begs for it, because he has become pathetic and lowly in her eyes, if he does.
To frustrate or deny a man's request, has become empowering to many women. To submit to a man's request, no matter how fair or justified, still can be seen as a burdensome duty.
5. There really isn't any negotiation or understanding of the Western ideal of a relationship between equals.
You can try to iron out an agreement with her, where you attempt to appease her every whim, but doing so empowers her and weakens you in her subconscious mind.
It means that by conceding to what she wants, she can get you to do MORE of what she wants. Thus guys inadvertently create "dragon women", that keep wanting more power and control over the relationship, until she destroys it.
A Man In Japanese Eyes
When a man has everything together, in terms of job, money, vision of the future, leadership... She understands that her crap can't affect him, so she follows his lead. She understands that she is easily REPLACEABLE, so she decides to follow a good thing, or lose out to another woman.
Under a strong male leader, she sees doing; tasks, chores, and sex with him as a privilege. She wants to do them, to win his approval of her. She doesn't want to fail him, because she fears losing his affection. She wants to give you as much sex as possible, to include anything kinky, because she fears you going to get from other women.
The PROCESS of winning you over, often makes her the happiest. If she feels that she has won, than you are a mountain already climbed and boring. If she feels that she owns you and other women don't want you, then she doesn't feel like doing anything for you. You have become unworthy in her eyes.
When Japanese women fear losing you, fear your rejection of her, fear the competition of other women, etc... That is when they WANT to do the MOST for you and feel GLAD to do it.
Something to think about.