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What happend?

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Floridian

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About a year ago a single attractive 27 y.o. Japanese girl that I work with asked me if I would teach her English. I'm a 47 y.o.white American (if that matters), and married - she knew I am married. Even though she's not the drop-dead-gorgeous type by most guys' standards I had always found her attractive, though our relationship was strictly professional.
Of course I was happy about this so we started meeting at coffee shops 2-3 times/month chatting and doing little English lessons. I always paid which she seemed to appreciate. Each time we met she got cuter and cuter and I started to really like her. Though I never flat out told her this I often complemented her on her attractiveness so I'm sure she was getting the picture. A month later after a coffee time I walked her home. The next month we went out to dinner then to a movie. All good. Two months and a few coffee times later we went to a nice restaurant, I walked her home, and when we said goodbye I gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek which she seemed to be happy about as we immediately set plans to meet again. By now we're 6 months into this friendship/relationship/English lesson/whatever. I always paid and she never declined an invitation to go out. What would you all be thinking about now? In the fall, on the night of her birthday, I dropped by her home to give her flowers, a present and a note. She was out so I left them with her mom. The next day she sends a big thank you on LINE. Our meetings/dates continue for 6 more months which brings us up to two weeks ago when everything ended. This went on a full year! A week prior to our falling out I had asked her to have dinner with me to which she said "yes" as always. After dinner we went to a coffee shop to chat some more. Normally we would have parted ways earlier since I live out of Tokyo, but on this night (and to her knowledge) I had booked a hotel room to stay over so we were able to stay out later and not be so rushed. As we were about to call it a night I asked her if she would like to go back with me to my room and she was even welcome to stay over if she wanted to. I didn't want to pressure her too much. I told her that I thought she was beautiful and I had liked her for a long time.
Unfortunately, to say the least, she didn't respond the way I'd hoped. She got really uncomfortable and went into some kind of anxiety melt down and just wanted to go home.

We haven't spoken since.

Any ideas about what went wrong?
Was I such a creep to invite her to stay with me? I felt like an idiot.

I'm thinking that even though she always seemed happy to go out with me (and to let me treat her of course), anything romantic was just wishful thinking on my part. Perhaps it was an ego boost for her in addition to free English lessons, coffees and dinners.
To be honest, I don't regret what I did. I had to tell her how I felt at some point. Still analyzing why she freaked out.
 
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I'm from Florida too. Go Gators. I'm surprised you went so long without fucking. You set a love/serious long-term theme. That puts a lot on her table. Get the sex in the first 6 weeks to drop the walls otherwise you are making her think too much. Deal with love or seriousness after carnal satisfaction - especially here, even if you are religious.
 
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lol is that maybe even common? i had something similar happening to me recently, bit worse even...
now from
my own experiences, id say that is some problem has, like something happening in her past, or whatever... but probably no your fault...
i also talked to someone here about what happened to me here and the reply was more or less “that is something i could imagine from her”... maybe its just something common, actually i had things like that happening to me a few times...
 
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Thanks for you quick replies guys. It was theraputic just to have a place here to spill my frustration.

Thinking back, I'm sure she has daddy issues. She has no father, has never been told anything about her father and has her mother's maiden name. Perhaps I became her "daddy" and it freaked her out when I hinted toward something sexual. Oops, my bad.
 
vondoom said:
lol is that maybe even common? i had something similar happening to me recently, bit worse even...
now from
my own experiences, id say that is some problem has, like something happening in her past, or whatever... but probably no your fault...
i also talked to someone here about what happened to me here and the reply was more or less “that is something i could imagine from her”... maybe its just something common, actually i had things like that happening to me a few times...
Click to expand...

Come on man. He went a year without screwing her while she knew he was married. She had a full year to think about "should I?" He took too long. You gave her too much time to think deeply and ultimately let her distractions make her final decision. Strike the target next time with precision speediness. If she were in her 40's you might not need to strike so fast.
 
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Well, in my experience if you don't fuck the girl in the first three dates then it is all over. She thinks you are a cute friend to talk with, to go to cafes and restaurants and have pleasant time.

For her it's like going out with her girlfriend, except she doesn't have to pay.
 
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split said:
Come on man. He went a year without screwing her while she knew he was married. She had a full year to think about "should I?" He took too long. You gave her too much time to think deeply and ultimately let her distractions make her final decision. Strike the target next time with precision speediness. If she were in her 40's you might not need to strike so fast.
Click to expand...

ah i missed the timeline, my bad...
and youre right about the ages, of course...
 
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Sounds like she wanted a nice friend who could help her with her English studies, thought it was "safe" because OP was honest about being married, thought maybe he was paying because he is older and more stable (?) and that he made her compliments indeed as a sincere "father figure" who just wants to stimulate her to think high of herself and to not mess around.

Not every girl expect that married men will try to sleep with them. I think she's probably the innocent type and did not see it comming.
 
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You just got plain cock teased, bro. Tons of Japanese girls are good at this, and many don't even know that they are doing it. She was looking for nothing more than friendship and liked how you were being nice and paying for things, etc. As guys, of course we expect something in return. We ain't a charity service and our hard earned money isn't for cute freeloaders. She probably couldn't imagine herself being with a much older man that her and thought she'd be safe from your advances because you're already married.

Her preference is probably a young Johnny's type of guy that get's her hot and excited just from his facial features. I've been in the same boat way too often, especially in high school. I have a theory that this is why a lot of Japanese women are single. Their standards are set way too high and they aren't willing to kiss/have sex with guys they consider sub par. Well, from a guy's perspective, it's not like most of them are lookers either. We're more willing to have sex with average to below average girls, though. Pussy is pussy no matter what house it's staying in. (I deeply apologize if that sounds offensive. I'm just babbling from a guy's point of view)
 
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User#8628 said:
Sounds like she wanted a nice friend who could help her with her English studies, thought it was "safe" because OP was honest about being married, thought maybe he was paying because he is older and more stable (?) and that he made her compliments indeed as a sincere "father figure" who just wants to stimulate her to think high of herself and to not mess around.

Not every girl expect that married men will try to sleep with them. I think she's probably the innocent type and did not see it comming.
Click to expand...

Yeah, from my experience, many Japanese girls have NO idea what guys are thinking about when we're with them. The girl is shocked and frightened when they actually do find out.
 
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RIDER 00 said:
Yeah, from my experience, many Japanese girls have NO idea what guys are thinking about when we're with them.
Click to expand...

Fixed that for you.

The good thing is you just need to give them ten years and then when they go for a coffee with you they actually expect to get cream too and from all possible positions. :D:eek:
 
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MikeH said:
Fixed that for you.

The good thing is you just need to give them ten years and then when they go for a coffee with you they actually expect to get cream too and from all possible positions. :D:eek:
Click to expand...
I guess it's also a question of branding yourself.
If ladies perception is that you're the perfect Catholic daddy / husband, they will be shocked about your libido popping up suddenly. They don't even have to think if you're attractive or not. You're sexually invisible.
If somehow you have a more devilish reputation, most ladies will always determine their attraction to you from the moment they first see you.
 
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I think you have learned a very valuable lesson or two... First: You saw this girl on a regular basis for 1 year before you let it be known to her that you were interested. Way to long as others have pointed out, but that's ok... you probably had some inner conflict yourself (maybe) so it took time to become attracted to her and act upon it. Secondly, you advised that you got a hotel room so you didn't have to worry about getting home.. Possibly, you could have stated that you got a hotel room because you want to spend private time with her not in public. this would have been a more subtle way to let her know you wanted to be with her. Now many here may say that I'm off on this point - so they can reply "Chime In" etc.... but I think this would have been less pressure than your saying you have a hotel and she is welcome to come too. She saw you as a Eigo Sensei... maybe "daddy" but not sugar daddy... Friend zone as one put it was most likely the case. Anyway... don't worry if she has not contacted you... Now she maybe be thinking hmmmm he really wanted me... so now she can fantasize about what it would be like... if she has daddy issues, then she may also have Sensei Crush (LOL) wait... it's not over... just don't contact her... don't be disappointed if you are ghosted 100% which is very likely... Also, don't forget she lives at home with Mummy, and you delivered flowers... so she may have some pressure or questions she needs to answer from Mum... Why you not learning Eigo anymore... your Sensei seemed soo nice... bring you flowers etc... now she uncomfortable at home too... I don't know about Mother / Daughter relationships in Japan and how well they do / don't communicate about things... never asked tbh.
Next time you teach a lesson... ask early on if the student ever have crush on teacher before and have them explain it to you.. maybe give you more insight into her thinking earlier on.
As for you being married.... I believe this forum is not the morality police - :D

Better luck next time... if there is a next time.
 
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All of your comments were extremely helpful in coming up with a theory of what happened. Thank you all!

Alice had great insight from a woman's perspective and I would agree with her that the young girl just didn't see it coming and it blew her away.

Thanks BB0253 for your positive outlook that it might not be over (but I'm not holding my breath).

I'd also love to hear from our respected veteran Wwanderer on this
case. Paging Wwanderer!!!
 
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Floridian said:
I'd also love to hear from our respected veteran Wwanderer on this
case. Paging Wwanderer!!!
Click to expand...

Thanks, @Floridian. I feel like Sherlock Holmes or Hecule Poirot summoned to opine on a particularly difficult murder mystery. "An exceptionally interesting case, my dear doctor!"

That said, I'm not sure that I can add much of value to the answers given by others above. I can suggest one or more other scenarios though. Here's one that's a bit different: She is actually interested in a physical and perhaps romantic relationship with you and, after waiting patiently for a year or more, for you to "make your move" was eager to spend the night with you in bed. However, with the exquisitely bad timing dictated by Murphy's Law, her period arrived a bit earlier than she expected it...perhaps while you were having dinner that very evening. Then, when you suddenly went from ultra-slow motion seduction/courting mode (do I understand correctly that up to that point you'd never even kissed her on the lips and had rarely even held her hand?) to asking her to spend the night with you, she had her second big surprise of the night and so froze up with indecision and discomfort. She might well have been too shy and embarrassed to mention being on her period and could not figure out how to respond positively without making a fool of herself. So, she fled the battlefield and retreated back to home base in the hope that another and better opportunity would soon present itself. If this scenario is correct, she has probably been second guessing your feelings and kicking herself for blowing it since that last date. I gather that you have not tried to contact her since then?

To be clear, it is not that I think this is what actually happened, just that it could be the case. Or maybe she knows someone who works at the hotel where you happened to be staying and didn't know how to tell you that without offending you? Or...

My main opinion is that the question that is the title of this thread is not the right question for the simple reason that you (or at least *we*) don't have enough information to answer it. We can speculate of course, but that simply makes it all the more irritating a mystery, right?

The right, or at least a better, question would be, "What should I do next?" To this much easier question, @BB0523 already gave the correct general answer Imo. Contact her and invite her to dinner or whatever again without mentioning what happened on your last date and see what she says. Most likely she will decline imo, but it wouldn't be very surprising if she accepts either. And, most importantly, you have nothing to lose and the possibility of gaining a lot. (This assumes she hasn't blocked you on LINE etc, btw. You didn't actually say in the OP.)

-Ww
 
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Many thanks Ww! I was certain that you would have an extremely unique perspective and you did.

I did LINE her a few days later apologizing for upsetting her. No reply. I'll propably just leave it at that as chasing her would probably make it worse. If she eventually responds I'll let you know, and if not, then it' ll have been a great lesson.
 
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Floridian said:
I did LINE her a few days later apologizing for upsetting her.
Click to expand...

It's over. As the man, it is your job to initiate and escalate but you waited too long. At this point you're only going to annoy her. Cut your losses and move on. Keep your chin up and see this rejection as a learning experience.
 
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I realize that I waited to long and escalated too quickly NOW. Couldn't agree more. She already HAS ghosted on me. Looks like I really tramatized her.

In a way I'm glad it's over. It was an unbalanced relationship of her getting all she wanted me hoping for something that was never going to be. Time to move on. Good lesson. I hope others can learn from this too.
Thanks everyone.
 
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