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Marriage, a bad idea

Anyway, no begging for sex, no leaning on her to sort out your problems, no bitching about how much she spends unless it's more than you can provide.


I like this part. And I think this is part of some general rules when dealing with women. I´m not yet familiarized with japanese ladies, but I guess there are some major turn ons and some major turn offs for girls.
 
This lot was massively interesting!! It is, in fact, the reason I am here on this wonderful site. Today is my 21st wedding anniversary. Seriously. Pre-marriage, a friend once told me a joke:
Oppressive wife to hen-pecked husband: "We've been married 20 years today - where's my present??!!!!"
Husband: (Starts to laugh and then cries)
Wife: "Are you so happy and so grateful to be married to me for 20 years?"
Husband: "No - if I had killed you when I met you I'd be getting out about now!"
I don't condone violence but I laughed my guts out at the time. I don't laugh at it now…

30-yr vet in Japan and I know of very very few international marriages that are okay or not ended.

I am locked into kids and mortgages and the way our lives/jobs are set it would not make a difference if we divorced or not. I am cutting my 'losses' and seeking new experiences. Under Japanese law if kids are involved in divorce, she will get them and the idea of 'sharing' is not part of it. It is culture and good luck in beating that.

Bottom line of relationships with Japanese wives or any 'institutionalized relationship' in Japan - once you are on the outer, there IS no way back. Forget negotiation, new positive approaches, new promises etc. etc. You are toast. You generally become MADOGIWA-ZOKU. You are marginalized pushed to the edge and there you stay. One gambit is to so overlaid you with impossible expectations that you fail and so deserve it. 'Madogiwa' means you get the window seat at a company - not needed so you might as well stare out the window.

Answer: if you cannot escape - understand that, accept that, do what you can/need to be involved, find your niche. If there are no kids - run.

@Justantherguywhotalks - that was amazing. PhD to you, mate! I tried so hard at almost all the things you suggested. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I've gone hardshell.
 
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I would like to add something from my personal experience and principle:
I made the experience of a japanese wife thinking that she has done her duty. Many (most) of the previously mentioned things in this thread apply. After a while - and looking back I could have spotted the preparation going on - she moved back to Japan with our 4 yrs. old kid.
It is an unbelievable experience that my family all of the sudden was gone, my great kid - away from one day to the next. And also my wife was suddenly an ex-wife. I never expected this to happen. They didnt tell me in person. She said she wants to visit her father in Japan because he is sick. And while she was gone I received a letter from her lawyer that I am an abusive husband and she is scared and will not return. So what do I do? I am one of the softest people on earth, believe me, I wouldnt hurt anyone. But a woman stating this - wow. However, at the court in the US or Europe it wouldnt work to just say that without prove. And there was no prove. But you have no idea how a woman calling you things and acting poor towards mutual friends changes the way people treat you. I never expected this, I never even gave that a thought before. And it took me a while to accept that this really happened. My lawyer said that sometimes J-wifes are consulting him and just say "I want to go back to Japan with our kids. My husband is really ok, so find a reason please." and to say "verbal abuse" is one thing which the lawyer will suggest to her. Her mother in law completely supported all of this.
I hired lawyers I wrote letters, etc. I did everything I could but always thinking of our kid. So it is not an option to remove the kid from the mother - that is just not an option for me.
But anyway, sorry, getting off the topic:
if you are in the situation that you are in an unhappy marriage or facing a divorce you have to do the best for the kid. You have to consult child-psychologists and find out what is the best you should do for your kid. And even if they disappear to Japan, you can find them. But dont go there! Just know where they are and send occational letters. I always know where my daugther is living because I hired an investigator to find out. I get recent pictures from the investigator and I send small presents and letter every couple of months.
If you are a divorced father with no contact or anything, you have to keep the contact somehow with your kid. Most people say "Oh I am sure he/she will search for you when she is older." - yes, that might be true. Maybe not. But this is not about if the kid searches for you. It is about you taking care of your kid, thinking about your kid and aiming for contact with your kid for the rest of your life. Even if it might feel easier to draw a line and let the past be past to make the pain go away. You can not do this. You have to stay in touch with your kid. But dont be desperate, dont be a surprise waiting at the door or the schoolbus. Be a reliable father and be always clear where you are. For the birthday I will always be 10min walk away from the place they live. I will inform them in advance that I am there and that I would appreciate if my kid is allowed to see me. They didnt show up the last two years. But I will be there this year for the birthday. It is no problem. I made a nice table in a hotel lobby and let other kids play with it - because I didnt expect them to come anyway. But just in case.
And well ... anyway.
Also I have to say that I am glad that I am out of this marriage now. Even it is very hard because I love my daugther so much and I feel so sorry for her that she cant have two loving parents in her daily life, even given this, I believe not living together with this woman is much much better. And now after a couple of years have passed I really want to date again, explore and have good times. I am so looking forward to new people and I appreciate that I have such a great kid.
But anyway: Please never never never give up on being a good father - even if your ex-wife is abducting her. Move to Japan. Take a job there and be always just a couple of hours away from your kid. Be there for the birthday, be close maybe every other month. But never surprisingly appear! Never.
Maybe your kid will not appreciate, but it is not about you. It is about the kid knowing that he/she has a loving father. Even if you are never searched for or you die alone when you are old. The kid knows that you love him/her and that you know that it is not his/her fault, he/she did nothing wrong. Free the kid from guilt and feeling rejected.
 
Roderick,
I truly feel for you : what is happening is certainly one of the greatest challenge in your life, and I admire your great courage and pride.
Never give up and never intrude, this is (in my opinion at least) a beautiful behaviour.
I would add if I may : don't forget to live your life at its best, find a new companion and keep things sane for her.
 
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DJV, thank you! I appreciate your message (since most people dont understand - but likely if they were in the same situation they would do the same).
I agree that I want to live my life at its best and I aim to find a new companion while keeping things sane for her - actually I think the whole issue made me much softer and appreciate real positive emotions (not p4p). I would really like to go for Onsen or cinema or jogging with someone I like.
But I am a little bit rusty regarding approaching girls I feel attracted to. My approaches so far never lead to something. And maybe that is because if I am asked I am not lying about my daugther - that might be a no-go for most potentials.
Now I am in JapanCupid (writing a lot of messages and not very sucessful with it) and will sign up for the UniverseClub. Sounds thrilling. I need to be trained how to show that I am available again :)
 
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@fireman

Totally agree. Many men have problems with Japanese women, because they are trying to treat them in an ideal Western way.

I had to learn the hard way too. I have been in Japan for years, been married, and lived with a number of women. I'm not talking theory, but hard earned experience. And I have many Western male and Japanese pals, with similar issues. I have specifically studied the subject and talk to numerous people living in Japan and dating or married to Japanese women.

And, before I go on, I like Japanese women and Japan. That's partly why I live here. So...

Nearly all Japanese women, with the exception of bi-racial ones that grew up with BOTH parents or grew up in the West, do NOT truly understand Western culture. And even that which they do understand, may conflict with her Japanese belief system or deeply embedded Japanese ideals.

She may speak excellent English, even went to college in the West or lived in the West a few years, but Japanese culture and thinking can still be dominant for her.

Many Western guys get CONFUSED and make the mistake that their Japanese girlfriend understands the Western concept of an ideal relationship. That is often a HUGE ERROR, that will bite them in the butt later.

Some Western guys may also try forcing her to understand, through long talks or lots of complaining. She may nod her head yes, even repeat back what you said, but it's often pointless.

She may even explicitly state she wants a Western style relationship, but she will often NOT understand how to implement it or unconsciously or secretly reject it.

And actually, many Western guys, don't know specifically what kind of relationship that he wants either or what roles he wants her to fulfil. Thus adding to her confusion.

What Western guys should be aware of:

1. Western style kindness and chivalry, is seen as a weakness. She will think of you as a weak man she can abuse.

2. Begging, whining, or complaining only makes her think you are weak or less of a man.

3. Relying or depending on her in any way, be it for rent money or even laundry, is something she sees as being able to exploit to her advantage OR something she may come to resent you for later.

Resentment and revenge are arguably strong themes in Japanese passive aggressive behavior and honne vs tatemae.

4. Very related to that, is relying or depending on her for sex. She will see it as an exploitable weakness that she can manipulate you with OR later resent your requests/demands for it.

If there is no female competition to take her position, she may feel she owns you. Sex is to be dealt out as a reward or based on her mood, how she sees fit, not based on the man's requests or demands. Especially not when he begs for it, because he has become pathetic and lowly in her eyes, if he does.

To frustrate or deny a man's request, has become empowering to many women. To submit to a man's request, no matter how fair or justified, still can be seen as a burdensome duty.

5. There really isn't any negotiation or understanding of the Western ideal of a relationship between equals.

You can try to iron out an agreement with her, where you attempt to appease her every whim, but doing so empowers her and weakens you in her subconscious mind.

It means that by conceding to what she wants, she can get you to do MORE of what she wants. Thus guys inadvertently create "dragon women", that keep wanting more power and control over the relationship, until she destroys it.

A Man In Japanese Eyes

When a man has everything together, in terms of job, money, vision of the future, leadership... She understands that her crap can't affect him, so she follows his lead. She understands that she is easily REPLACEABLE, so she decides to follow a good thing, or lose out to another woman.

Under a strong male leader, she sees doing; tasks, chores, and sex with him as a privilege. She wants to do them, to win his approval of her. She doesn't want to fail him, because she fears losing his affection. She wants to give you as much sex as possible, to include anything kinky, because she fears you going to get from other women.

The PROCESS of winning you over, often makes her the happiest. If she feels that she has won, than you are a mountain already climbed and boring. If she feels that she owns you and other women don't want you, then she doesn't feel like doing anything for you. You have become unworthy in her eyes.

When Japanese women fear losing you, fear your rejection of her, fear the competition of other women, etc... That is when they WANT to do the MOST for you and feel GLAD to do it.

Something to think about.

It may be more applicable in Japan, but you are dropping truths that should be internalized by every male, everywhere.

This is the total truth.
 
I would like to add something from my personal experience and principle:
I made the experience of a japanese wife thinking that she has done her duty. Many (most) of the previously mentioned things in this thread apply. After a while - and looking back I could have spotted the preparation going on - she moved back to Japan with our 4 yrs. old kid.
It is an unbelievable experience that my family all of the sudden was gone, my great kid - away from one day to the next. And also my wife was suddenly an ex-wife. I never expected this to happen. They didnt tell me in person. She said she wants to visit her father in Japan because he is sick. And while she was gone I received a letter from her lawyer that I am an abusive husband and she is scared and will not return. So what do I do? I am one of the softest people on earth, believe me, I wouldnt hurt anyone. But a woman stating this - wow. However, at the court in the US or Europe it wouldnt work to just say that without prove. And there was no prove. But you have no idea how a woman calling you things and acting poor towards mutual friends changes the way people treat you. I never expected this, I never even gave that a thought before. And it took me a while to accept that this really happened. My lawyer said that sometimes J-wifes are consulting him and just say "I want to go back to Japan with our kids. My husband is really ok, so find a reason please." and to say "verbal abuse" is one thing which the lawyer will suggest to her. Her mother in law completely supported all of this.
I hired lawyers I wrote letters, etc. I did everything I could but always thinking of our kid. So it is not an option to remove the kid from the mother - that is just not an option for me.
But anyway, sorry, getting off the topic:
if you are in the situation that you are in an unhappy marriage or facing a divorce you have to do the best for the kid. You have to consult child-psychologists and find out what is the best you should do for your kid. And even if they disappear to Japan, you can find them. But dont go there! Just know where they are and send occational letters. I always know where my daugther is living because I hired an investigator to find out. I get recent pictures from the investigator and I send small presents and letter every couple of months.
If you are a divorced father with no contact or anything, you have to keep the contact somehow with your kid. Most people say "Oh I am sure he/she will search for you when she is older." - yes, that might be true. Maybe not. But this is not about if the kid searches for you. It is about you taking care of your kid, thinking about your kid and aiming for contact with your kid for the rest of your life. Even if it might feel easier to draw a line and let the past be past to make the pain go away. You can not do this. You have to stay in touch with your kid. But dont be desperate, dont be a surprise waiting at the door or the schoolbus. Be a reliable father and be always clear where you are. For the birthday I will always be 10min walk away from the place they live. I will inform them in advance that I am there and that I would appreciate if my kid is allowed to see me. They didnt show up the last two years. But I will be there this year for the birthday. It is no problem. I made a nice table in a hotel lobby and let other kids play with it - because I didnt expect them to come anyway. But just in case.
And well ... anyway.
Also I have to say that I am glad that I am out of this marriage now. Even it is very hard because I love my daugther so much and I feel so sorry for her that she cant have two loving parents in her daily life, even given this, I believe not living together with this woman is much much better. And now after a couple of years have passed I really want to date again, explore and have good times. I am so looking forward to new people and I appreciate that I have such a great kid.
But anyway: Please never never never give up on being a good father - even if your ex-wife is abducting her. Move to Japan. Take a job there and be always just a couple of hours away from your kid. Be there for the birthday, be close maybe every other month. But never surprisingly appear! Never.
Maybe your kid will not appreciate, but it is not about you. It is about the kid knowing that he/she has a loving father. Even if you are never searched for or you die alone when you are old. The kid knows that you love him/her and that you know that it is not his/her fault, he/she did nothing wrong. Free the kid from guilt and feeling rejected.
It's admirable what you are doing. I'm pulling for you( not worth much but it is what it is).
 
Based on my personal experience, I found that japanese women are immature and selfish when they are young, and then they turn into more selfish but cold blooded basan when they get older.
They use sex as a tool to get things/security/babies and will see you as worthless when they get them all.
They are all brainwashed with the mariage things.
When you discuss with them they all say that they want to marry someone because they don't want to be alone when they become seniors. They want to be taken care of by their kids and financially supported by an old fart that they won't love anymore anyway.

Personally I believe that they are completely wrong.
If you create your social environment wisely enough, you won't feel lonely during retirement.
It's just a matter of building something much bigger than a family.

But it requires efforts and greater social skills of which they are clueless about.
 
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For guys stuck in a shite marriage - I think you have come to the right place here
 
"Japanese women make good wives" was a st8ment I heard a lot when I arrived in Japan 20 years ago. LMFAO!!!

Am not saying that J-wives are n e better or worse than wives in other countries. And when a marriage goes pear-shaped, who really knows what went on behind closed doors, and usually u only get to hear one side of the story. But MOST of the guys I know who married J-women are divorced already. Over GW in a bar I met 2 guys in their 30s who were already "batsu-ichi". True, dudes u meet in a bar r more likely 2 b divorced than dudes who never go out. So kinda difficult to draw conclusions.

I met a British guy once who told me he had wrote a PhD on Divorce In Japan and had discovered that the divorce r8 in Japan was the average for an industrialised country, contrary to official statistix. He had tried to get info regarding divorce r8s of mixed marriage couples but at that time (1999) they did not retain details of ethnicity. Now, it's official that 10% of all marriages in Japan are between a Japanese and a foreigner. N e way, this guy (married to a Japanese air stewardess I think) seemed to think that, although the divorce r8 of mixed couples was maybe the same、the average number of years they stayed together was much shorter.

I have heard some horror stories over the years concerning gaijins who married J-women. Here are the worst 3. I suspect the guys are still in Japan so wont use names or naitonality. These stories came str8 from tho horse's mouth and not based on hearsay. I'll stick to the facts and nothing else. Sorry if I sound like a corpor8 lawyer

CASE A

He lived in Taiwan b4 coming to Japan and got a full time job as a uni prof. He also had 2 part-time jobs at other schools. Within a year he was married to a single mom with a "punk" teenage son from a previous marriage. He was so happy when he became a daddy but his joy was short-lived.

One day, he came home to find his wife not there and she never came back. She had checked herself and the baby into a hostel for battered wives. A few days later, a gang of yakuza went round his 3 schools and told them they had employed a wife beater and to fire him or else. He lost all 3 jobs. He told me he never laid a finger on her.

CASE B

He was a financial services dude with a tough 10-12 hour day. His wife persuaded him to buy a house. After they got married and without consulting him "properly", she decided to turn the house into an English "juku" to teach children. He would get home fried from work and discover his house full of other peoples' noisy brat kids. A coupel of years later, she moved her parents in, although she has an older married brother who is supposed to look after them in that situation.


CASE C

He is a freelance copywriter, married 15 years with a son who he adores. 2 years ago, his wife decided to start her own business and said she would need more space in their house, so suggested he rent a small apartment which he could use as his work space and store all his crap.

Shortly after he was installed in the new pad, he returned to his house one evening to find a Japanese guy there. The wife said this was her new lover and they were going to live there together from now on.


I guess these situations or similar could arise between a married couple in any country, so probably not a J-unique gig. Considering how many soft cheerful easy-going charming nice girls you see around in Japan, it duz amaze me how many western dudes marry hard-faced obnoxious women, although they may not have realized it at the time due to lack of experience of Japanese culture and language.
I`ll leave u with a famous comment from Mike, a divorced alkie and one of the first gaijins I ever met in Japan : "If you want a Japanese style wife who takes your shoes off when you get home, you have to be Japanese". LOL
 
Jesus AKB you're just Mr. fucking rainbows arnt you!

I've got to call bullshit however on you 1-in-10 marriages are Japanese and Foreigner statement however. Statistically isn't it like a 98% homogenous county so not sure how your getting a 10% gaigokujin marriage rate.
 
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Jesus AKB you're just Mr. fucking rainbows arnt you!

I've got to call bullshit however on you 1-in-10 marriages are Japanese and Foreigner statement however. Statistically isn't it like a 98% homogenous county so not sure how your getting a 10% gaigokujin marriage rate.

Japan isn't as homogeneous as advertised. A lot of the "homogeneous" comes from right wing ultra conservative groups. Such Japanese groups use racist and xenophobic ideology to win political elections. Using themes like "Us Japanese VS them!", or spreading fear of foreigners, "All foreigners are criminals, rapists, and not like us Japanese! We must protect Japan from them, now vote for me".

There is a lot of unacknowledged inter-ethnic mixing where Japanese marry Chinese, Koreans, Filipinos, Thai, etc... The children of such marriages are put on official registries as "Japanese" and their non-Japanese ancestry is swept under the rug. Especially if the father is Japanese.

Same with Whites, Latino, Indian, and Mediterranean mixes, with Japanese, WHEN possible. It's not unlike the issue of thoroughly bi-racial "Blacks" that have so much "White" mixed in, that they can pass for White.

In Japan, people don't usually acknowledge mixed ancestry, like in Western countries. Bi-racial or mixed Asians will simply claim they are Japanese, end of discussion, when trying to blend in.
 
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Sad but true : for many japanese women, a husband is just a tool.
They will use you if they can and, if you don't let it happen, they will basically tell you you're some egoistic jerk.
Unfortunately, in the japanese society, too many women are way too dependant on men.
Thus, they expect men to do anything for them, and they see it as totally normal.
And of course, they don't know anything about this "weird" concept called reciprocity.

Well, you don't even have to get married to witness such a mindset.
I meet a lot of girls of any age and most of them are totaly clueless on how to treat a guy properly.
This spans from the greedy bitch to the airhead/clueless innocent girl.
The fine girls exist but they often don't look so good.
These humble girls didn't get spoilt, actually.

Seems that you can't have both worlds :(
 
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@majimekun

Many women burn through men, like a passenger changing cars at will. "You giving me a FREE ride to the promised land?" "Nope? OK, time to switch cars."

Often, they are not sure of where they want to go or how to get there, just that you are supposed to take them somewhere nice, and at your expense. Parasitic to the max. And whenever you don't do what they want, oh yes, you are the jerk.

They will blame you for every aspect of how the ride is going, as if they have no responsibility and total disregard of the guy outside of him taking her to "dream land". Some vague concept derived from childish fairytales like Cinderella, and she the princess.

It's really "dog eat dog" out here now. Guys must remove any illusions as to what is really going on, no matter how cute looking the women before them is.

It's only by being very realistic about women, that guys will see through the scams and delusions.
 
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@majimekun @Solong

Perhaps we are attracted to different sorts of women, but fwiiw, my personal experience with (many) women over the past 50 years (!!)...including the last 5-10 years, is not even remotely as you describe. Beware confirmation-bias and observer-bias.

-Ww
 
@majimekun @Solong

Perhaps we are attracted to different sorts of women, but fwiiw, my personal experience with (many) women over the past 50 years (!!)...including the last 5-10 years, is not even remotely as you describe. Beware confirmation-bias and observer-bias.

-Ww

You are not quite clarifying the type of women that you are coming across, unless you are saying they are angels. And if you look behind the facade that many women project, reality will be staring back.

As for myself, by being very realistic about the intentions and behaviors of women, I have had vastly more success in dealing with them and being content.
 
I'm currently married to an American and am about to go through a divorce. I've often thought about marrying a Japanese woman. I speak Japanese fairly well and there are a lot of Japanese in the Los Angeles area where I live. The stories above coupled with my own conceptions of marriage are giving me pause for hesitation. Based on my experience and age (I'm 54), long-term relationships in general start on a high and eventually "level out," often to the point of boredom.

I am coming to Japan this week for a few weeks of holiday. Last time I was there (2012), I met a woman that I have kept in touch with via email and I will see her the day after I arrive. I picked her up in a Roppongi bar (yeah, I know), and she's a 43 year old, never married OL-type, who lives with her mom in Chiba. I get the impression she's looking for someone to rescue her. She knows I'm married and unhappy. She wanted to come to America last year to visit me (on her dime), but I told her it wasn't a good idea. She got pissed at me for that and wrote me a nasty email, but she's apparently over that now.

I've also signed up for Japan Cupid and that's been mostly miss for me so far. A lot of my emails go unread. The ones that are read are not responded to. I get a lot of "____ is interested in you" messages from girls in China. I think I've gotten a two or three email replies from Japanese women but haven't set up any meetings, but I'll keep trying and post any progress on that front.
 
... she's a 43 year old, never married OL-type, who lives with her mom in Chiba. I get the impression she's looking for someone to rescue her...

You have the right impression plus, she is the kind of girl who will become a true parasite.
Just avoid her.
 
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@AKB69

Her as Girlfriend VS Wife

The reality of what I have seen is that many Japanese women make BETTER GIRLFRIENDS, than they do wives.

Many Japanese women excel at COMPETING against other women. As long as they believe their guy is a prize to other women or feel he may have other options among women, then many Japanese women are going to put in a very strong effort. Plenty of sex, cooking, cleaning his place, dressing very attractively... whatever it takes.... Even if this means HIDING things about herself or ignoring problems in the relationship.

Victory is his marriage proposal. Then an embedded cultural problem occurs. Many Japanese women have narrow parameters of what a wife and mother should and shouldn't do. It can be like a secondary sleeper program initiates itself. All this fluff from her mom, society, tradition (no matter how backwards), and advice from friends (to include those in BAD marriages) begins to overwhelm her thought process versus seeing herself as a contributing teammate to her new husband.

Wife and mother can become like independent titles that are separate from her relationship with the husband. And this is where all hell can break loose. Now I'm the "wife", as if she was crowned queen by a 3rd party. As such, she can start doing many things that are NOT in the best interest of her husband or family.

On top of this, the desirability of the husband goes down, because there isn't any perceived female competition. Mountain has been climbed. She has the wedding ring, no matter what mistress or prostitute he sees. She can make demands or exert control as wife or mother of the children.

Way too many Japanese and Western guys beyond what I can count have said they enjoyed the Japanese girlfriend phase way more than the marriage.
 
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Jesus AKB you're just Mr. fucking rainbows arnt you!

I've got to call bullshit however on you 1-in-10 marriages are Japanese and Foreigner statement however. Statistically isn't it like a 98% homogenous county so not sure how your getting a 10% gaigokujin marriage rate.

Sorry to disappoint but it damn well is 10% now (2013) I watch a lot of Japanese TV I've heard this a lot recently

It dont just white men marrying J-women, in fact, that is probably the minority. Think J-men marrying Chinese and Flips and Eastern Europeans. There are tons of them where I live.

Also J-women marrying Koreans and other Asians

Hope you are convinced now bro :D
 
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Sorry to disappoint but it damn well is 10% now (2013) I watch a lot of Japanese TV I've heard this a lot recently

It dont just white men marrying J-women, in fact, that is probably the minority. Think J-men marrying Chinese and Flips and Eastern Europeans. There are tons of them where I live.

Also J-women marrying Koreans and other Asians

Hope you are convinced now bro :D

Lots of under the radar mixing in Japan, particularly with nearby Asian countries and Russia.

The trick is many Japanese don't acknowledge mixes or hide them. When asked, "I'm Japanese." You often have to pry it out, IF they are comfortable talking about it with you. Very different from the West.

The 99% pure homogeneous Japanese is ultra-nationalistic propaganda for voting purposes.
 
I'm currently married to an American and am about to go through a divorce. I've often thought about marrying a Japanese woman. I speak Japanese fairly well and there are a lot of Japanese in the Los Angeles area where I live. The stories above coupled with my own conceptions of marriage are giving me pause for hesitation. Based on my experience and age (I'm 54), long-term relationships in general start on a high and eventually "level out," often to the point of boredom.

I am coming to Japan this week for a few weeks of holiday. Last time I was there (2012), I met a woman that I have kept in touch with via email and I will see her the day after I arrive. I picked her up in a Roppongi bar (yeah, I know), and she's a 43 year old, never married OL-type, who lives with her mom in Chiba. I get the impression she's looking for someone to rescue her. She knows I'm married and unhappy. She wanted to come to America last year to visit me (on her dime), but I told her it wasn't a good idea. She got pissed at me for that and wrote me a nasty email, but she's apparently over that now.

I've also signed up for Japan Cupid and that's been mostly miss for me so far. A lot of my emails go unread. The ones that are read are not responded to. I get a lot of "____ is interested in you" messages from girls in China. I think I've gotten a two or three email replies from Japanese women but haven't set up any meetings, but I'll keep trying and post any progress on that front.

The 43 year old woman sounz like a disaster in the making. Let her run

You could try putting a persnal ad in the free weekly Metropolis. Japan Cupid dont have a good reputation.

There are some gr8 Japanese women out there who u wont never meet. If u got any Japanese friends, dont be shy to ask for an introduction. Or friend of J wife of gaijin friend.

If you can learn how to read and write Japanese, u would have access to the J dating sites

The last thing u want to do is choose a J woman with similar personality n outlook as ex wife.