Good Adult Jokes

Sex A.D.

A young, newly married couple made a deal that whoever died first would try to come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After 40 years together, the husband was the first to die. True to his words, he made the first contact:

H: Darling ... Oh, darling ...

W: Is that you baby?

H: Yes, I'm reaching out from the hereafter like I promised you.

W: This is so wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?

H: Well, as soon as I get up in the morning, I have sex. After sex and breakfast, it's off to the golf course.
After that, I bathe in the warm sun and have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch. You’d be proud of me. I now eat lots of greens.
After lunch, it's back to the golf course. Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some sleep and the next day, it starts all over again.

W: Oh baby ... Are you in Heaven?

H: No, I'm a goat somewhere in Pakistan.
 
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Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sonʻs bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. “What do you think we should do?” she asks.
Father frowns and responds “Well I guess spanking him is out of the question”
 
David Letterman-style countdowns

HERE ARE THE TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, EXCEPT IN A LAW FIRM:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in my chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $400 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number one thing that sounds dirty, except in a law firm is ...
1. Think you can get me off?
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THE TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, EXCEPT IN GOLF:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number one thing that sounds dirty, except in golf is ...
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!
 
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Idk man, some situations seem like the less strokes the better. The omg, what am I doing I’ll just close my eyes, focus, and hurry up and get this over with situations. Haha.

Man ... Been there. Alcohol and bad decisions. Live and learn. (n)
 
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