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Gulp

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Last year, when I was about to renew my spousal visa. My narcissistic wife suddenly decided that she would not sign the necessary papers for my visa extension and told me to move home to my home country. I panicked, refused, and begged her to change her mind. At the time she was pregnant with our second child, we had bought a house, two cars, and I couldn't for the life of me understand how she could ever support herself on her salary alone. I begged and I prayed for her not to make this fatal mistake.

The next day I told my employer, who was very kind and they set me up with a temporary apartment at their expense in Tokyo, close to my office.

I spoke to my bosses in several parts of the world around the clock, what could we do?

I sent my wife an email offering a certain amount of money each month if we could live separated if I was guaranteed a certain amount of contact with my kids each month.

She accepted. And I was allowed to visit my daughter at the hospital when she was born. After that I met my son, and my newborn daughter maybe once a month.

But,

In February she stopped answering and returning my calls, and I got a letter from her attorney. Her attorney requested that all future correspondence go through him. And that that my wife would launch a law suit for divorce. Fortunately I managed to change my address in time which forced her to apply to the family court in Tokyo.

My company came through again, and set me up with a lawyer at their expense.

Since then I have been through countless meetings in court it seems, and I have seen my son and my daughter only once since the beginning of the year.

I have almost given up all my hope. I just want to go back to my house and visit them. Even just standing on the street outside to let my son see me and know that I am still alive and that I still think of them all the time.

I'm wondering, since we are still technically married, can anything bad come from me just going there at this point?

My lawyer advised against it. But I am unsure why, how much worse can it really get? Is it a crime for me to visit my own house at this point?

Does anyone know?
 
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holy crap, this is one of these nightmares I hear about every so often about bat-shit crazy Japanese wives after kids. :/

I can't help, no real idea about just showing up. But, the property she lives in now? Who owns/pays for that? You said you had a house?

Really sorry for you man, I'm a calm person but this sort of thing just outrages me every time I hear it.
 
It's her mortgage, but I guess I own part of this property and the cars.
 
And I don't really care about the property, I know that it's lost. I just want to see the kids, and I want them to see me. I'm still here
 
And I don't really care about the property, I know that it's lost. I just want to see the kids, and I want them to see me. I'm still here

I was just try to figure your legal ties to the property - she can't just take you off the property, so maybe you have some rights to be there aside from the kids.

Give it (this thread) some time - others will come along with their advice and experiences.

Wish I could offer you more info/feedback right now though...
 
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Thanks for the support, I really appreciate this. really.

Just going mad about if it's a crime to show up outside your own property. I have been under a lot of abuse through this visa threat. Since then I have understood that it's not really an issue for me at all.

I don't want to enter the house or disturb them in any way, I just want to meet my kids and show them that I am around. I do realize that the behavior is a bit odd. But, oth, the situation is quite extreme.
 
There is a group/organization that is dedicated to trying to do something about these sorts of horrible situations. This is their mission statement:

"Our Mission is to disseminate information to help change attitudes and laws in Japan in order to assure all children of direct, meaningful and continuing contact with both parents, regardless of citizenship, marital status or gender. We want to restore the rights of children in Japan with separated parents, such as in divorce, international parental abduction to Japan, parental kidnapping within Japan and birth out of wedlock. The Japan Children's Rights Network has a large collection of English language information on Japanese Family Law which provides experienced-centric information on parental abduction, child custody, and visitation rights in Japan. We also provide a web based service to help children contact left-behind parentsand document cases of parental abduction, denied visitation rights, discrimination, child abuse and other such activities in Japan."

And this is the link to their website: http://crnjapan.net/The_Japan_Childrens_Rights_Network/Welcome.html

@Gulp - Perhaps you can find some useful information or resources via this group. I know of one or two other cases in which they have been useful to people in situations similar to yours. In any case, best wishes for a good outcome for you and your children.

-Ww
 
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omg, this is the saddest story I ever heard. I can't imagine the shock it should have been. I now feel better being single.
 
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Even just standing on the street outside to let my son see me and know that I am still alive and that I still think of them all the time.

I'm wondering, since we are still technically married, can anything bad come from me just going there at this point?

My lawyer advised against it. But I am unsure why, how much worse can it really get? Is it a crime for me to visit my own house at this point?

That's rough, mate. I hope you're able to work out something amicable with regards to visitation.

Your lawyer is telling you it's a bad idea because it will give her ammunition to use against you in court. It's not a crime - though if you did it frequently it could potentially turn into a stalking case - but it is definitely a detriment to your long term interests.

Listen to your lawyer, he has seen situations like this before and is very familiar with the potential outcomes.

Don't forget that if she's unilaterally suing for divorce without grounds such as infidelity or abuse, the courts can deny the petition for divorce entirely. You actually have a significant amount of leverage in that case.
 
I am actually surprised,

I have been living with this for such a long time that it is beginning to seem completely normal to me.

Wwanderer:
Thanks, I actually think I read this long before the situation exploded in my face. I had sort of forgotten about their existence. It might be a good idea for me to actually contact them now. They might actually know the answer to my question:)

john.smith:
It really warms my heart whenever I scare someone single in this country;)

User#16452:
Yes, that is something that I do plan to do. I have asked my lawyer for permission to send my son letters, I presume that he has asked her lawyer for permission, but that her lawyer has so far declined to respond. But whatever, it's ridiculous if I can't even send letters to my kids. So, I will start working on my future flood of mail for my kids. Watch out Daiso, I will ship your entire inventory somewhere.

Poor mail guys.
 
Good luck Gulp. Just one thing: my impression of those children's rights guys is that they are a bit militant and confrotationl which could work against you in circumstances like this.

There is an american guy who has a lot of experience negotiating legal issues in Japan, usually workers rights but he has a good angle on the culture and the law over here. You could try getting in touch to see if he can help? His name is timothy Langley. Not, officially a lawyer I think, on a technicality, but I know several people who have vouched for him.
 
I have made some kind of decision to do good and not be a total creep. I have signed up for some private lessons in Japanese and I intend to crack this language before I crack myself (it might also do me good in family court). I might check out Curacao's tip. It does make some sense.
 
Sad story :/

You may also have to consider that the mother of your children is talking to them about you and say bad things. Up to a point that they believe it and turn against you..

I don't say this to hurt you more than you are now, but because it seems to come along with these situations and you will handle it better if you anticipate.
 
There has gotta be something. You need to initiate something separately in court stating that your children are being refused their right to see their own father. Fuck that shit she's pulling. There must be something in the law that can't restrict a father from seeing his own children so seldomly. Get another lawyer or find a foreign family service agency somewhere.
 
There must be something in the law that can't restrict a father from seeing his own children so seldomly.

I hope you are right, but I am not sure your faith in the law is really justified.

-Ww
 
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Historically Japanese courts have considered sole custody to be better for kids of divorcees than joint custody - which is obviously not typically true of western legal systems, which is one reason that westerners find it especially hard when theyget divorced iin Japan. However, I believe that it is now increasingly likely that joint custody or some sort of visiting rights will be granted these days. But it is not a given, and each case will be decided on its own merits.

As I say, personally I do not think it is a goodidea to be confrontational, at least during the early stages of any proceedings, because it might predispose the judge or whoever ttowards tour wife, and it is likely yo harden her stance too.

In any case I hope this works out the best way for the original poster.
 
I panicked, refused, and begged her to change her mind. At the time she was pregnant with our second child, we had bought a house, two cars, and I couldn't for the life of me understand how she could ever support herself on her salary alone

It sounds like sperm donor syndrome. :eek:
 
I feel very sorry for you. The way your wife behaved was despicable, but this is the way it's done in Asia. No discussion or direct confrontation or second chance

From the info you gave us, it seems you are very highly regarded by your employer which could be at the root of the problem. Did wife think you are married to your company? That's the most common complaint levelled at Japanese men. I always think that J women who marry gaijin want something better and different.

Some women are not content with some hubby who earns good money. They also crave attention and exotic foreign travel.

It's also probable she suspected you of mongering which wouldn't of helped either.

It would be good if lawyers or mutual friends could fix up a meeting with your wife so that you can talk things over. You must also be prepared to accept blame for what happened. There are two sides to every story and it takes two to fox trot. It is never exclusively the fault of one partner.

Hope things work out.

Bravo Morgan Stanley
 
Hamarerare you only say this because you assume reason. Women are not reasonable. She is clearly deranged. And she will lie to the kids and tell them things like "daddy is a bad man", "daddy abandoned you" or whatever. It seems ti me it's already too late. I have no advice to give.
About the house, are you still paying monthly amount to a bank? You said it's her mortgage does she pay it all by herself? Do you have the keys and paperwork of the cars?
Good luck with your situation.
 
holy crap, this is one of these nightmares I hear about every so often about bat-shit crazy Japanese wives after kids. :/

I can't help, no real idea about just showing up. But, the property she lives in now? Who owns/pays for that? You said you had a house?

Really sorry for you man, I'm a calm person but this sort of thing just outrages me every time I hear it.

Omg does this really happen often? I always was curious about meeting japanese females, possibly marriage, but i never in my mind thought about consequences....wow.
 
Omg does this really happen often? I always was curious about meeting japanese females, possibly marriage, but i never in my mind thought about consequences....wow.
I think this is partially caused by guys who get caught up in the fantasy of Japan and Japanese women, versus examining the particular Japanese woman they were dating.

Years ago, military guys would call them dragon ladies. A seemingly sweet and innocent woman before marriage, that then turning a man's life into a super flaming hell after marriage and/or kids.

And arguably, in Japanese culture, a premium is placed on hiding things. Of course any nationality of woman can pull this, but it's arguably a greater art form in Japanese culture. That is, a Japanese woman can project a fake image of herself, that conflicts or is in contrast to how she might really think or be. She wants what that guy has to offer or represents socially or economically, that she might forcibly behave a certain way, to the point of being like an actress. But, there comes a point in which she can't keep up the act.

I've always recommended to guys to put their girlfriends to the test, ASK deep questions, and be wary of odd breaks in her behavior. A lot of times, these "dragon ladies" have showed glimpses that they were not what they were pretending to be, but the guy ignored it. IF the guy had asked probing questions and had deep conversations, she might of flat out exposed how she really thinks.

Many guys maintained a very superficial type of relationship with girlfriends before marriage where they really didn't know what she thinks, her true opinions, or how she can truly behave. Possibly out of fear it would break the good thing of "convenient sex and smiles" he thought they had going on. Reality though, has a way of creeping past facades and pretenses. Better that a man truly knows the woman he impregnates and will be having his kids.
 
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I think this is partially caused by guys who get caught up in the fantasy of Japan and Japanese women, versus examining the particular Japanese woman they were dating.

Years ago, military guys would call them dragon ladies. A seemingly sweet and innocent woman before marriage, that then turning a man's life into a super flaming hell after marriage and/or kids.

And arguably, in Japanese culture, a premium is placed on hiding things. Of course any nationality of woman can pull this, but it's arguably a greater art form in Japanese culture. That is, a Japanese woman can project a fake image of herself, that conflicts or is in contrast to how she might really think or be. She wants what that guy has to offer or represents socially or economically, that she might forcibly behave a certain way, to the point of being like an actress. But, there comes a point in which she can't keep up the act.

I've always recommended to guys to put their girlfriends to the test, ASK deep questions, and be wary of odd breaks in her behavior. A lot of times, these "dragon ladies" have showed glimpses that they were not what they were pretending to be, but the guy ignored it. IF the guy had asked probing questions and had deep conversations, she might of flat out exposed how she really thinks.

Many guys maintained a very superficial type of relationship with girlfriends before marriage where they really didn't know what she thinks, her true opinions, or how she can truly behave. Possibly out of fear it would break the good thing of "convenient sex and smiles" he thought they had going on. Reality though, has a way of creeping past facades and pretenses. Better that a man truly knows the woman he impregnates and will be having his kids.


just wow, thanks for your input
 
Hamarerare you only say this because you assume reason. Women are not reasonable. She is clearly deranged. And she will lie to the kids and tell them things like "daddy is a bad man", "daddy abandoned you" or whatever. It seems ti me it's already too late. I have no advice to give.
About the house, are you still paying monthly amount to a bank? You said it's her mortgage does she pay it all by herself? Do you have the keys and paperwork of the cars?
Good luck with your situation.

Nice one bro!

If only she was deranged. Hubby could get her confined to a home and his nippers back.

From my experience of similar cases - and they are less infrequent than you may think - the wife will have had it all planned out in advance. She will have consulted with family and friends and a divorce lawyer and considered all the advantages and disadvantages. She knows exactly what she is doing.

Curacao is right when he says the same shit could happen anywhere. We just don't hear about it.