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Non-japanese Woman Needs Dating Advice...

cute_cat

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Guys, I need advice.

I'm a 39 years old European woman, the Amelie-type (smiling eyes, slim body). Married young, divorced young. As for easy dating and/or forming deep relationships, I guess life has been easy on me, there were always guys around me who were interested. Meeting guys always happened pretty much spontaneously. So I can't even believe I have to write this post, but anyway...

After living in various cities in Europe and then in New York, I've been living in Tokyo for some time now as a researcher, and while Tokyo is a great and fun city, it's not the most spontaneous city in the world... and in fact quite a difficult place for a foreigner woman looking for relationships. Most of the guys in their late thirties - early forties here - (Japanese and non-Japanese) are either married or are interested in Japanese women in their 20s...

I'm not so much the clubbing type, but I go out sometimes. I use Meetup, it's fun, especially the sport and outdoor events are great, although most often than not the public events are either teenage parties or free language exchange.
Haven't tried InterNations yet.
Or Tinder. (At this point, I'm not primarily looking for quick hook-ups...)
Roppongi seems more like a "big white dude - drunk Japanese girl" scene - or maybe I just haven't found its secret yet?

So the questions are:

Where to find the the unmarried guys in their early forties who are interested in non-Japanese women?
You know, the nice guys?
Does this species exist at all?? (I guess it is.)
But where in Tokyo???
 
I think you might have luck in bars geared towards people in their 30's and 40's in Roppongi: Rigolettos and R2 come to mind, but its been many years since I've been to that part of town. Depending on your preferences, you could probably have decent luck with actual dating apps (Tinder is not a dating app), Pairs and Omiai are specifically geared towards serious relationships. Don't just make a throw away profile and hope it works, you have to be proactive and tailor your profile towards the type of guy you're looking for. Online profile crafting is an art form, think of it like building a modeling profile. Get serious pictures (professional photographer level), spend time making sure you have a complete profile, things like that. The art of making an online profile is to be polarizing, similar to a resume, in that you specifically write a resume towards a specific job, "generalized" resumes typically end up in a pile. If I wanted to attract a 20 year old high school drop out, I likely would gear my profile towards her at the risk of turning off a Ph.D. Think about the kind of guy you want and think about what he's interested in. You can also check out different hobby circles, ballroom dance for example, you can check out Arthur Murray dance school in Shinagawa, or other places like that.

Sadly, you will have to overcome the overlying image of women 30+ in Japan, in that they're undesirable, logically its from the point of view of couples looking for children, and women post 35 being higher risk for birth defects, and that. So ultimately, your target audience is going to be guys who aren't looking for children, realistically. My sister is over 35 and unmarried but looking as well, and a lot of the dating blogs she's been looking at in America is that men who look for post 30's women aren't looking for someone to take care of (All those 40 year old guys shooting for 20 year old women you mentioned are kinda looking for someone to take care of). You want to show that you're an independent woman who doesn't need a man to take care of her, thus why you're going to classier places, doing more expensive hobbies that your average 20 year old can't afford to do. I recommend avoiding like 30's and 40's salaryman haunts, like tachinomi in Ueno. You'll likely run into guys too depressed from their 90 hour work week life to even notice a beautiful european woman :)

As for the actual approach, I think I'd better leave that to our resident women. My kneejerk reaction is to recommend giving clear signs of interest and such to a guy you like, but at the same time I have a feeling that Japanese men would get intimidated by that type of gesture and run for the hills.. I'm not too sure what the best method would be honestly. Arden Leigh has a blog out there, she's a female pick up artist and goes into different things she uses to attract men, but at the same time, a lot of that stuff likely wouldn't be too effective in Japan for the reasons I just mentioned.
 
Use Tinder, and pay for Tinder Plus, it's no longer a hookup app. Maybe it never was, casual sex is just commonplace today. Anyway there's a ton of people and it's low effort on both sides.

Chatting with strangers is definitely fairly uncommon in Japan, outside of places meant for that. But you'd probably have luck at any of the many foreigner friendly bars frequented by expats. Japanese guys will be harder to find, things just work differently in Japanese culture. Try making friends with single Japanese ladies, maybe you'll get invited to a gokkon.

There's far fewer single men at your age, and not that many foreigners in Japan to begin with. The odds are much better online.
 
Welcome cute_cat! Thanks for joining and I hope you may find some answers here.

Roppongi seems more like a "big white dude - drunk Japanese girl" scene - or maybe I just haven't found its secret yet?

There's really no secret, that's just the majority of what you see.

Or Tinder. (At this point, I'm not primarily looking for quick hook-ups...)
Tinder is more or less a chat application in Japan, it's kinda of sad actually... (at least going from men to women, I'm sure women take a lot of abuse based on a girl friend of mine who showed me her tinder list, it was huge.. and the messages, were disgraceful... lol)

I'll give you my point of view and give you some ideas:

I'm a professional male, late 30's, white, single, have dated mostly Japanese girls with the occasional Caucasian date. I have no strict preference for Asian vs. white, it's just a simple fact of numbers... tons more Asians in Japan than white (or other races). I have grown tired of some of the games J-girls are playing and had looked for someone from my home country or similar English speaking country that wasn't a complete nut.

My problem: Most of the women I've met that meet some of my match requirements are usually associates through business connections and it's a bad idea to mix business and pleasure when I have to deal with them on a professional level. I don't do clubbing and I rarely ever drink, so my options are usually cut down to a very small margin which leaves me alone most of the year, haha.

Those nice guys, in your range of an ideal match, are there but we're the ones usually NOT in Roppongi or places like that.

Let me also say, that I ran into a few women that had this real prejudice to white men in Japan to the point where they acted like they couldn't be bothered to be spoken too. Plus, some non-Asian women have this assumption that non-Asian men really are here for the Asian girls and thus ignore anyone else.

What are your social circles like? Are those complete dead ends?

Where to find the the unmarried guys in their early forties who are interested in non-Japanese women?

What's your end-game? Marriage, LTR, Kids, FWB, etc? Kinda helps narrow down where to look and how to look.
 
Use Tinder, and pay for Tinder Plus, it's no longer a hookup app. Maybe it never was, casual sex is just commonplace today. Anyway there's a ton of people and it's low effort on both sides.
It's always been just a chat app in Japan - with the rare actual meeting. I've read some of the message sent by men on Tinder and it's really, really sad how they approach some women after a match. :(
 
It's always been just a chat app in Japan - with the rare actual meeting. I've read some of the message sent by men on Tinder and it's really, really sad how they approach some women after a match. :(

Haha yeah I've gotten some of my tinder matches to show me their msgs, amazingly bad!

That's the cost of online dating, it's easy and anonymous so people often behave poorly. Course that just means they handily filter themselves out for you, convenient!
 
Hmm, Japanese guys are sure shy.
If you don't mind a long distance relationship, i would go Osaka for a bit. People there are more likely to chat up strangers there, and guys communicate it easier if they like you. I got one of the best ONS i've ever had there. The guys there are also my type, ora ora looks and a confident, outgoing personality.

I'm not really sure where to meet good guys in your age group in Tokyo... And honestly, i get nampa'ed a lot but usually not by guys who are my type and guys who are my type always ignore my flirting attempts, they are so hard to catch. It's definitely a struggle with the shy boys there...
 
And honestly, i get nampa'ed a lot but usually not by guys who are my type and guys who are my type always ignore my flirting attempts, they are so hard to catch. It's definitely a struggle with the shy boys there...

Keep in mind, guys can be ignorant sometimes when it comes to girls flirting in that manner. :)

And you get nampa a lot because you really stand out and not easy to ignore. :LOL:
 
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i got the exact opposite experience, for me tokyo worked by far better with anything people related than tokyo...

but that also makes me say (what i always say), go wherever people with the same interests are... to me not much else makes sense... at least it is the easiest way to meet people... this works for me though, in case you are more or less interested in everything, you of course can go anywhere (and my advise becomes pointless)...

it never helped me to get a date here (11 years now without anything that remotely resembles a date), but since you need to get to know someone before you date them, you still need to go somewhere to get to know people...

online dating seems to be a mixed bag, everyone i know found someone (at leadt for a date) via dating apps, i personally didnt get one reply, yet... i wouldnt rule it out, though... in the end it is just another opportunity to get to know people...
 
It's always been just a chat app in Japan - with the rare actual meeting. I've read some of the message sent by men on Tinder and it's really, really sad how they approach some women after a match. :(

I have found two very good Japanese friends through tinder :) still friends 2 years later. But the majority is really mostly garbage...
 
I would say Tinder but as @Anna Summer pointed out it is a hit and miss....mostly miss especially if you are near a city where the are LOTS of Americans. In all honesty if you have made any friends here, try having them set you up. And I will agree with @Ches, come on @TAG Manager take this woman on a date or at least show her around Tokyo.
 
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Churches? if you are not allergic to the religion and not for NSA. Their network of congregations might worth exploring.
 
Churches? if you are not allergic to the religion and not for NSA. Their network of congregations might worth exploring.
I just felt some food come up......
 
Get out of the gaijin ghetto of Roppongi, shibuya etc... Not my cup o tea.
If you like Japan, speak a little Japanese, go to some matsuri. Festivals are great places to meet great people. We go to..ALOT of them. If you like temples and shrines check them out.
We just returned from a holiday in Enoshima, Kamakura and places around there. Many, many ops there. Ended the trip with an Indian festival in Yokohama. Many ops there.
If you work in a lab, I used to manage a plant genetics lab at Berkeley, put a notice up saying you'd like to go some events if anyone is open.
Best party of the year for me is the Chichibu Night Festival, Dec 1-3. Saitama prefecture. You can catch a train from Ikebukuro all the way there. Start early next month and get a group together to go.
Its a tourist town. Lots of people speak some English. Be open and friendly and greet people as you pass them by. Listen for the English coming back, stop and start a nice conversation. If you can. By 9pm on 3 december I am hammered on Chichibu-nishki (local sake) Its sold everywhere, warm, in small glass cups and is like rocket fuel in strength. Not as much as Okinawa sake but... It will be a madhouse. Warning you. Research the origins of the festival and why they do it...I love the story.

I have been groped, rubbed up against and propositioned...by women. Girls from there have a rep around Japan for their beauty. Its not a fake rep, that is for sure. Yeah, its a fun town and most fun 3 December.
The men are good looking as well. And to this festival tons of people show up. Gaijin and foreigner alike. Events like this are where you find the nice guys, the good guys...
 
It seems pretty bad. You are looking for a 40 yo single guy, who is not afraid of foreigner, who does not have a lolicon syndrome, and you probably want him to believe in gender equality, in Japan...
For instance, a friend of mine who was in his late thirties, very nice with a good situation was still single until a common friend made him meet her best friend. One year later, I met him with his new wife, and he was behaving like a complete jerk with her showing a new side I did not know.
You are probably smart, so if you personally feel like it is going to be impossible in here, you should probably move to a better country.
Good luck anyway!
 
It seems pretty bad. You are looking for a 40 yo single guy, who is not afraid of foreigner, who does not have a lolicon syndrome, and you probably want him to believe in gender equality, in Japan...
For instance, a friend of mine who was in his late thirties, very nice with a good situation was still single until a common friend made him meet her best friend. One year later, I met him with his new wife, and he was behaving like a complete jerk with her showing a new side I did not know.
You are probably smart, so if you personally feel like it is going to be impossible in here, you should probably move to a better country.
Good luck anyway!
Japan has a big population and many big, exciting cities. Everything is possible here.