Service and/or Provider's Name:
Saki
Date of Encounter:
April 23, 2017
Contact Method:
Walk-in
Appointment Length & Costs:
40 minutes 17,000
Type/Location:
Yokohama Soapland
Language Notes:
100% Japanese, except when I couldn't think of a word and had to say it in English but like it was written in katakana (come on, you all do that)
Details of the Encounter:
It was a gorgeous day outside, my hangover was relatively subdued for a Sunday, and the warden had disappeared and left my cell unlocked, so I bounded out of the house in hopes of an encounter that would drive away the inky blackness around my heart for a little while.
Longing for Alice, dreaming of Meyrin, but unable to work a time with either on such rudely short notice, I hopped a train with no real destination in mind and ultimately hopped off at Hinodecho, with an idea in my head I would go to Heart and Heart and see Uehara. Someone else recently reviewed H&H, but had turned down the recommendation for Uehara in favor of the impressively busty Mimi, but from the link in his review, I navigated around and checked out Uehara and found that she claims to be really, really into singing. Since I am, too, I actually thought "sex be damned, I want to go talk to this woman about singing."
Wait... you already knew Uncle NED is a fucking weirdo, right?
OK, so I went to H&H, strolled right in and asked about Uehara. She was booked for another 90 minutes, but they offered Mimi as available right away. The other TAGger's review of Mimi could be summarized as "fantastic body, terrible attitude" so I wasn't all that interested. I told the guy I'd think about it, and went out to a little street festival happening nearby, had a beer, and tried to stop myself from staring at the heartbreakingly cute girl at the beer stand, with fiercely pale skin like a maiko, and narrow eyes set just a tiny fraction too far apart, thereby making her perfect (to me).
Not knowing this young lady's name, I made a quick pencil sketch of her on the list of women that I love, and then I wandered over to the FASHION HEALTH section to see what was up over there, since I'm not usually big on FS anyway. I passed a soapland, smack in the middle of that HEALTH street, that has never acknowledged my existence before, but the guy out front gave a slight smile and slight nod that stopped me cold. It wasn't an "irrashaimase" kind of smile and nod, it was a "you are not completely invisible to me in spite of being a cursed foreigner" kind of smile and nod -- but hell, it was something. So, I asked in Japanese if foreigners were OK. He replied, "Yes, but only if you keep it a secret." So, to honor that bargain, I am not telling you the name of the shop (which may or may not be capitalized in the title of this review). Besides, spoiler alert, this shop is not worth storming the doors of.
I went inside, was assigned Saki, paid the fee and waited about five minutes before being directed up the stairs. Compared to Mermaid a few blocks away in the soapland district, this place was in shitty condition. The stairs were like those of a Wanchai opium den or just about any apartment complex in Memphis, Tennessee. The room itself was OK, though.
Oh... you want to know about the girl, Saki? She was mid/late 30s and cute. Cute face, cute body, about a 6.5 for each. Small breasts, cute long nips, flat enough stomach (with a small C section scar), bouncy enough butt... she was cute, man, what can I tell you? But she was cute in a nondescript sort of way, like the cashier at a bread shop. She was also OMFG chatty, and she would giggle at the beginning and end of everything she said, presumably because that's more friendly. She didn't ask me the talking dog questions, thank god, like "do you like Japanese food?" and we rattled on about a million not-very-deep topics and as friendly as she was, it just seemed like she was filling the air with words. Similarly, her service was sufficient, but highly mechanical. I mean, she could have been an animatron at Disney's Country Sex Jamboree (next to Tomorrowland in Soapland) and I could have been customer #135 in seat four of the third row. I'm not sure if she would have noticed if, while she turned her back, I had left and another gaijin took my place.
She started by kissing me, and I have to report that she was the worst kisser I've ever encountered. Kids, I've kissed narcissistic fat sorority girls who were fresh from vomiting and en route to passing out; I've gone to kiss a girl and missed and burned a lip on her cigarette; I've been passed out on the floor and awakened to a dog licking my mouth. They were better experiences than this. All I can say is, I stood fascinated by how bad it was, and I'm kind of happy that I can point to it now and say, "that was the worst." It's nice to be able to establish those outlying points on any scale.
First kiss: hard closed mouth. Like me kissing a bird's beak.
Next bunch of kisses: mouth open, pressed against mine, her tongue sweeping left/right, left/right, left/right, left/right just inside my mouth, like I had somehow gotten my mouth onto a windshield wiper during a desperate attempt to have sex with a Volkswagen (we've all been there, amirite?).
Capstone kiss: hard closed mouth again. Bird is the word, the beak is back.
Her BBBJ was similarly unremarkable. I've had better blowjobs by accident. I've gotten more aroused by walking in new, tight underwear. And the BJ and cuddling are what I go for, yo. So, the cuddling had better be good or this was going to be a long 40 minutes indeed.
Friends, it was a long 40 minutes. She cuddled like a department store mannequin, chattering away the whole time with a giggle bookending each sentence. After about three awkward minutes of trying to get her to just LIE THE FUCK STILL and let me kind of snuggle with her, she positioned herself for 69. The view was actually quite nice, but I wasn't going for it. The NEDster has made a lot of progress on his germ fears in the last two weeks, but I'm not ready to go diving in this venue. So I put a finger in her (which in itself is a big step for germophobic me) and before I knew it, she had spun around and climbed on me to achieve CG insertion. I was shocked into silence because 1) I don't do FS and I told her that up front, 2) CG in particular usually causes me actual pain due to some surgeries in my distant past, and 3) I was sure she hadn't put a condom on me.
Well, I was wrong about #3, thankfully, she had slipped a very thin one on while I was awkwardly struggling to make her think my index finger was my tongue during 69, and I guess I was wrong about #1 and #2 as well, because she actually managed to CG me without pain or loss of interest on my part. Huzzah for small victories, eh? Now watch me get HPV on my balls because I let her rub her twat on them. (Just kidding, of course.) (Sort of.)
Once the biological imperative was satisfied, I was eager to shower up and be on my way, no more plastic cuddling or metronome kissing required thank you, Miss.
Note: Mat play was not offered (similar to the other guy's H&H review, so perhaps in this place and H&H, mat is not available in the 40 minute course).
TL;DR?
I boldly went where no gaijin had gone before (oh, I'm exaggerating I'm sure, but in nine years of walking past this place, this is the first time they let me in, and Saki said she had never seen a gaijin in there before) and lived to tell the tale, but Japanese was absolutely required -- both the guy and Saki told me they speak not a word of English beyond perhaps, "pen," "pineapple," "apple," and "pen."
If you have fantasies of fucking a friendly Disney robot, Saki is your gal, though you could probably find a younger, prettier one with a better body (I recommend Tinkerbell or Ariel, but that's me, also don't tell anyone but Peter Pan is pretty much a chick, too). She was cute. She wanted to please. She doesn't owe me better kisses, better company, or a better BJ for the money I paid, and her FS was... I dunno, OK? I don't have a lot to compare it to anymore.
Final Thoughts:
Not Recommended.
Closing Comments:
Yeeeeeeah, I'm not going there again. Next time, I'll wait and talk singing with Uehara at H&H.
http://www.a-heartandheart.com/top/profile?id=53
(Saw her uncensored card, she's not very cute, but... she sings!)
Saki
Date of Encounter:
April 23, 2017
Contact Method:
Walk-in
Appointment Length & Costs:
40 minutes 17,000
Type/Location:
Yokohama Soapland
Language Notes:
100% Japanese, except when I couldn't think of a word and had to say it in English but like it was written in katakana (come on, you all do that)
Details of the Encounter:
It was a gorgeous day outside, my hangover was relatively subdued for a Sunday, and the warden had disappeared and left my cell unlocked, so I bounded out of the house in hopes of an encounter that would drive away the inky blackness around my heart for a little while.
Longing for Alice, dreaming of Meyrin, but unable to work a time with either on such rudely short notice, I hopped a train with no real destination in mind and ultimately hopped off at Hinodecho, with an idea in my head I would go to Heart and Heart and see Uehara. Someone else recently reviewed H&H, but had turned down the recommendation for Uehara in favor of the impressively busty Mimi, but from the link in his review, I navigated around and checked out Uehara and found that she claims to be really, really into singing. Since I am, too, I actually thought "sex be damned, I want to go talk to this woman about singing."
Wait... you already knew Uncle NED is a fucking weirdo, right?
OK, so I went to H&H, strolled right in and asked about Uehara. She was booked for another 90 minutes, but they offered Mimi as available right away. The other TAGger's review of Mimi could be summarized as "fantastic body, terrible attitude" so I wasn't all that interested. I told the guy I'd think about it, and went out to a little street festival happening nearby, had a beer, and tried to stop myself from staring at the heartbreakingly cute girl at the beer stand, with fiercely pale skin like a maiko, and narrow eyes set just a tiny fraction too far apart, thereby making her perfect (to me).
Not knowing this young lady's name, I made a quick pencil sketch of her on the list of women that I love, and then I wandered over to the FASHION HEALTH section to see what was up over there, since I'm not usually big on FS anyway. I passed a soapland, smack in the middle of that HEALTH street, that has never acknowledged my existence before, but the guy out front gave a slight smile and slight nod that stopped me cold. It wasn't an "irrashaimase" kind of smile and nod, it was a "you are not completely invisible to me in spite of being a cursed foreigner" kind of smile and nod -- but hell, it was something. So, I asked in Japanese if foreigners were OK. He replied, "Yes, but only if you keep it a secret." So, to honor that bargain, I am not telling you the name of the shop (which may or may not be capitalized in the title of this review). Besides, spoiler alert, this shop is not worth storming the doors of.
I went inside, was assigned Saki, paid the fee and waited about five minutes before being directed up the stairs. Compared to Mermaid a few blocks away in the soapland district, this place was in shitty condition. The stairs were like those of a Wanchai opium den or just about any apartment complex in Memphis, Tennessee. The room itself was OK, though.
Oh... you want to know about the girl, Saki? She was mid/late 30s and cute. Cute face, cute body, about a 6.5 for each. Small breasts, cute long nips, flat enough stomach (with a small C section scar), bouncy enough butt... she was cute, man, what can I tell you? But she was cute in a nondescript sort of way, like the cashier at a bread shop. She was also OMFG chatty, and she would giggle at the beginning and end of everything she said, presumably because that's more friendly. She didn't ask me the talking dog questions, thank god, like "do you like Japanese food?" and we rattled on about a million not-very-deep topics and as friendly as she was, it just seemed like she was filling the air with words. Similarly, her service was sufficient, but highly mechanical. I mean, she could have been an animatron at Disney's Country Sex Jamboree (next to Tomorrowland in Soapland) and I could have been customer #135 in seat four of the third row. I'm not sure if she would have noticed if, while she turned her back, I had left and another gaijin took my place.
She started by kissing me, and I have to report that she was the worst kisser I've ever encountered. Kids, I've kissed narcissistic fat sorority girls who were fresh from vomiting and en route to passing out; I've gone to kiss a girl and missed and burned a lip on her cigarette; I've been passed out on the floor and awakened to a dog licking my mouth. They were better experiences than this. All I can say is, I stood fascinated by how bad it was, and I'm kind of happy that I can point to it now and say, "that was the worst." It's nice to be able to establish those outlying points on any scale.
First kiss: hard closed mouth. Like me kissing a bird's beak.
Next bunch of kisses: mouth open, pressed against mine, her tongue sweeping left/right, left/right, left/right, left/right just inside my mouth, like I had somehow gotten my mouth onto a windshield wiper during a desperate attempt to have sex with a Volkswagen (we've all been there, amirite?).
Capstone kiss: hard closed mouth again. Bird is the word, the beak is back.
Her BBBJ was similarly unremarkable. I've had better blowjobs by accident. I've gotten more aroused by walking in new, tight underwear. And the BJ and cuddling are what I go for, yo. So, the cuddling had better be good or this was going to be a long 40 minutes indeed.
Friends, it was a long 40 minutes. She cuddled like a department store mannequin, chattering away the whole time with a giggle bookending each sentence. After about three awkward minutes of trying to get her to just LIE THE FUCK STILL and let me kind of snuggle with her, she positioned herself for 69. The view was actually quite nice, but I wasn't going for it. The NEDster has made a lot of progress on his germ fears in the last two weeks, but I'm not ready to go diving in this venue. So I put a finger in her (which in itself is a big step for germophobic me) and before I knew it, she had spun around and climbed on me to achieve CG insertion. I was shocked into silence because 1) I don't do FS and I told her that up front, 2) CG in particular usually causes me actual pain due to some surgeries in my distant past, and 3) I was sure she hadn't put a condom on me.
Well, I was wrong about #3, thankfully, she had slipped a very thin one on while I was awkwardly struggling to make her think my index finger was my tongue during 69, and I guess I was wrong about #1 and #2 as well, because she actually managed to CG me without pain or loss of interest on my part. Huzzah for small victories, eh? Now watch me get HPV on my balls because I let her rub her twat on them. (Just kidding, of course.) (Sort of.)
Once the biological imperative was satisfied, I was eager to shower up and be on my way, no more plastic cuddling or metronome kissing required thank you, Miss.
Note: Mat play was not offered (similar to the other guy's H&H review, so perhaps in this place and H&H, mat is not available in the 40 minute course).
TL;DR?
I boldly went where no gaijin had gone before (oh, I'm exaggerating I'm sure, but in nine years of walking past this place, this is the first time they let me in, and Saki said she had never seen a gaijin in there before) and lived to tell the tale, but Japanese was absolutely required -- both the guy and Saki told me they speak not a word of English beyond perhaps, "pen," "pineapple," "apple," and "pen."
If you have fantasies of fucking a friendly Disney robot, Saki is your gal, though you could probably find a younger, prettier one with a better body (I recommend Tinkerbell or Ariel, but that's me, also don't tell anyone but Peter Pan is pretty much a chick, too). She was cute. She wanted to please. She doesn't owe me better kisses, better company, or a better BJ for the money I paid, and her FS was... I dunno, OK? I don't have a lot to compare it to anymore.
Final Thoughts:
Not Recommended.
Closing Comments:
Yeeeeeeah, I'm not going there again. Next time, I'll wait and talk singing with Uehara at H&H.
http://www.a-heartandheart.com/top/profile?id=53
(Saw her uncensored card, she's not very cute, but... she sings!)
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