A date with my wife

The OP is reinforcing my apprehension about getting into a serious relationship myself if this is the crap one has to put up with. :cautious:
The vows are supposed to read "For better and for worse", not just "For worse".
 
User#8628 said:
I'm pretty sure that a lot of couples here are perfectly happy not having sex with each other and still live together and run a family together.
For some of those couples one or both people may seek the sex with others, but i think also a lot of people here just compensate their sexdrive by working or focusing on taking care of the children and that tires them so much that they usually wont have an interest in having sex.
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This pretty much describes my situation, except that I would love to have more sex with my (japanese) wife. I'm still attracted to her, she has really aged well/taken care of her looks. She just seems not very interested in sex anymore. Sometimes I think its my fault for not acting or looking attractive to her. But we get along well, work in the same industry, have a pretty comfortable life, and most important, we have three children under the age of 15 that we do our best to take care of. For me its almost perfect except the lack of sex. I don't know how to fix that part. I only know how to satisfy my empty sex life with some p4p in Japan. But it's not often enough. I even thought about asking if I can have sex friend. idk, maybe its a bad idea. But I would not be suprised if she said ok. ugh.
 
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impish said:
I would suggest opening up a conversation with her. Tell her how you feel. If there's no communication on the subject then it'll never get fixed.
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Note: not trying to shit on @impish here, take this as in more general concept.

This is the general advice given to any guy whenever he tells about some problems with the wife. If I was the guy I would go "geesh, thanks mans, never thought about that!".

The default is the guy never talked about his concerns with the wife and if he just did the problems would disappear. Though in reality there might have been years of discussions before they open up to anyone and nothing has gotten solved.

I'm guessing it is pretty much same than someone trying to talk me over to become a vegan. You can talk until you are blue in the face and even if I would agree with some of your points and motives I wouldn't even try. Because the subject in itself doesn't interest me at all and I am all too happy with the current situation eating meat like the barbarian I am.

Similarly one of my lady friends told me about the discussions with her husband. No matter how many years they discussed, argued and tried to make compromises the guy was just not interested in sex. So she stopped talking and started to have guys on the side and everyone, including the kids at home, are now much happier. The guy probably knows but selects not to ask.
 
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I have had friends who have had similar problems with their wives not being interest in sex, and instead of sitting down and having a real conversation with them (I've had discussions with my friends about them not discussing the problem) about their lack of intimacy they just go out and find someone else to have sex with. I'm not talking about a short 3 minutes conversation of "I want to have sex tonight". I'm talking a real heart to heart about the subject. You'd be surprised how many people fail to have these discussions with their spouses because they are afraid to bring it up.
 
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impish said:
I have had friends who have had similar problems with their wives not being interest in sex, and instead of sitting down and having a real conversation with them (I've had discussions with my friends about them not discussing the problem) about their lack of intimacy they just go out and find someone else to have sex with. I'm not talking about a short 3 minutes conversation of "I want to have sex tonight". I'm talking a real heart to heart about the subject. You'd be surprised how many people fail to have these discussions with their spouses because they are afraid to bring it up.
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I'd say it is one of the hardest conversations to have in a marriage. I tried about 8 years ago, and you know what happened... We had sex three times in 2 months and stopped.

Like @Coda87 I still wanted to have sex with my wife back then, but that dies as well.

Now I haven't even tried to initiate anything with the wife in over 7 years. The rejection was too much to handle for a sustained period, and giving up was the easier option. Your partner not finding you attractive in a sexual way can cause huge damage to your self esteem.

Once sex is off the table, then things settle down a lot, and I dare say Coda87 is where I was 4-5 years ago.

p4p is a short term fix for sexual frustration, but due to it's transnational nature, it does not provide the level of intimacy that is also missing. Also the feeling of having to pay for sex can further damage your feeling of self worth.

However, once you sit back and realize what is going on, you can map out a plan to get your life back on track (or come to a better balance).

Sugar was one step on my path. This then led to a number of other non-financial relationships once I got my mojo back.

Admittedly, this has come on the back of some level of success in the business world that allows me a lot of freedom when it comes to spending and travel.

Another thing that I get when people say "you should discuss it", is that "discussing it" is a very western thing to do. I'm not sure if it applies to a lot of dynamics here in Japan.
Case in point is the different approach @Wwanderer and I use in certain situations, which has been discussed elsewhere.
 
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Rusty Trombone said:
Another thing that I get when people say "you should discuss it", is that "discussing it" is a very western thing to do. I'm not sure if it applies to a lot of dynamics here in Japan.
Case in point is the different approach @Wwanderer and I use in certain situations, which has been discussed elsewhere.
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It obviously requires the willing participation of both people to have a useful discussion of a serious relationship problem, and if one person simply won't or can't do it (for cultural or any other reasons), then it is not a solution. However, it takes a minimum and a maximum of just one person to try to start such a dialogue. When someone says "you should discuss it", I guess they implicitly mean "you should make a serious attempt to discuss it".

-Ww
 
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We have had serious discussions about it, even with a marriage counselor. It got better temporarily, then back to the same pattern of very little sex.
I should clarify my situation a little. If I want sex and ask her for it most times she will give it to me. But I dont feel like she really wants to. And that discourages me from wanting to have sex with her so it does not happen often. If I dont initiate, I dont think she would approach me for sex. We would probably be one of those sexless couples you hear about in Japan. I feel like she only has sex with me because out of marital obligation which is disappointing to me. Should I just be happy that my wife gives me the physical part of sex most of the time?
I guess paying someone to have sex with you is also just out of an obligation (financial), although I still very much enjoy it. What would be ideal is for my wife to really want to have sex with me. That would be most satisfying.
 
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I've had that discussion with my wife. Maybe a few times. I'm not satisfied with where things stand, but things have certainly improved. So ifnothing else, I think it's worth a few attempts at communication.

That said, things may have improved on their own.
 
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@Coda87
I had such relationships even in the West and talking about it had if at all only temporary success. Couple that with the fact that I travel a lot for work, it felt like we were only meeting for sex to me, as it took me most of the evening to get her to warm up / in the mood. :eek:
I really don't mind seducing my partner, but sometimes it's just nice, if it gets reciprocated too.
That being said in my case she was at least getting horny and enjoying the sex once we got there.
Maybe devote some time in only making her cum, if that's possible ;) it's difficult, but not impossible to break pattern. Maybe you can spice things up with some new things / toys. Try to wake her up in the morning by getting her aroused. She may have this disinterested mindset towards sex, but when she is still sleepy, it's just her body reacting.
Doing some activities together you did when you were younger may also rekindle the flame. Along with the Nostalgia may also come the memory of hot and steamy sex :D
 
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Wwanderer said:
When someone says "you should discuss it", I guess they implicitly mean "you should make a serious attempt to discuss it".
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It also implicitly means "I'm sure you haven't talk with her yet". About half of my married friends back in the Old Country have done marriage counselling, most of them because of sex. FYI Most married with their own country so nothing really Japanese in this no-sex thing.

I would dare then to say they have discussed matters seriously. Still around half of them ended up divorced. Of course the sample is small but results seems around the same than those who didn't do counselling.

So yeah, talking is good but it doesn't mean things get better. Some people just don't think sex is an important part in marriage or life after the kids have been done.
 
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Coda87 said:
We have had serious discussions about it, even with a marriage counselor. It got better temporarily, then back to the same pattern of very little sex.
I should clarify my situation a little. If I want sex and ask her for it most times she will give it to me. But I dont feel like she really wants to. And that discourages me from wanting to have sex with her so it does not happen often. If I dont initiate, I dont think she would approach me for sex. We would probably be one of those sexless couples you hear about in Japan. I feel like she only has sex with me because out of marital obligation which is disappointing to me. Should I just be happy that my wife gives me the physical part of sex most of the time?
I guess paying someone to have sex with you is also just out of an obligation (financial), although I still very much enjoy it. What would be ideal is for my wife to really want to have sex with me. That would be most satisfying.
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Maybe paying your wife for it then? :)
 
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Frenchy said:
Maybe paying your wife for it then? :)
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You probably don't want to hear this but yes, that is a thing. You only need to go as far as the next country from your home base back in Europe. It must be true because I read it from the internet and they stated it is a somewhat common thing to leave money on the night table for the wife after the fact. I just wonder if you tip extra for good service?

Even here one of my lady friends confessed occasionally having relations with her husband. But she continued "but as I am getting paid I think it's part of the job". Though she was referring to her husband giving her his paycheck monthly and not paying a per trick rate.
 
MikeH said:
You probably don't want to hear this but yes, that is a thing. You only need to go as far as the next country from your home base back in Europe. It must be true because I read it from the internet and they stated it is a somewhat common thing to leave money on the night table for the wife after the fact. I just wonder if you tip extra for good service?

Even here one of my lady friends confessed occasionally having relations with her husband. But she continued "but as I am getting paid I think it's part of the job". Though she was referring to her husband giving her his paycheck monthly and not paying a per trick rate.
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Geez, this kinda bums me out.
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MikeH said:
You probably don't want to hear this but yes, that is a thing. You only need to go as far as the next country from your home base back in Europe. It must be true because I read it from the internet and they stated it is a somewhat common thing to leave money on the night table for the wife after the fact. I just wonder if you tip extra for good service?

Even here one of my lady friends confessed occasionally having relations with her husband. But she continued "but as I am getting paid I think it's part of the job". Though she was referring to her husband giving her his paycheck monthly and not paying a per trick rate.
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Which country? I've never heard of that.
 
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I know quite some people in Belgium and have never heard of this tradition. Most of them may not share their bedtime stories with me though.
 
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MikeH said:
Germany. I believed the story, after all they have lederhosen too so nothing is impossible.
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They probably see this as a trade-off with the FKK then.
Yes it could happen. It's also the only country I visited so far where men and women are together naked in saunas ... in normal saunas
 
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I'm a little curious to know during your "discussions" with your wife, either in private or with a counselor, at any point did you or the counselor ask your wife why they no longer have any interest in having sex with you? If so, what was her answer?
 
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