About a girl....I met at a bar..

[ur19877]

Long post, no graphic details or exploits.. just a fucked up situation I am in right now...

Backstory: Last November I met a girl at a bar...we had some good conversation and I walked her to the taxi, trying to get to her to go to a love hotel... that didn't happen.. she was pretty drunk, but sober enough to ask me what my intentions are with her and our future... it was one of those "seriously" conversations..I told her, "let's start by getting to know each other before we used words like 'future'... .but I stayed engaged because I haven't pursued anyone in a non P4P way since I got married, and was up for the challenge..it was exciting..

We exchanged Line contacts and messaged maybe once a week. I would message her, send her pictures, and she would maybe message back a couple of days later... exchanged holiday greetings, etc etc.. no real substantial conversation....even the initial Line conversations with potential sugar dates were more engaging..

I'd figure she didn't remember much about me, because she was drunk, didn't have much interest in me, and didn't take me so seriously since I live so far away...

Going into this past trip, I did secure a date with her on Sat night in Shinjuku... Met at Mister Donut and then Yakiniku close by.. as soon we sit down, she orders beer. Says beer is her favorite, above chocolate, etc... that surprised me. She says she starts with beer and then goes to heavy stuff... again..surprised.

she drinks more and we have pleasant small conversation about work, Japan, etc. normal first date stuff. she drinks to calm her nerves and get rid of her shyness.. i appreciate that...

As we leave, she asked if I wanted to get more drinks.. I agree.. She leads me to Golden Gai and says she knows some places, and has a bottle reserved at a couple of places there... I was thinking, "WTF... it's one thing to go to bars, but another to actually have a bottle reserved, much less multiple places..."

This is where I realized that I am the 'girl' in this relationship and she was the dominant one... She's tall, like 182... same height as me. She's not fat, but athletic. And with her outgoing, and loud personality when she is drunk, I felt like I should be holding the purse..As she was leading me down Golden Gai...i felt like I should be holding her arm....

We go to one bar, and she proceeds to tell everyone that she is on a date (with me) and how we met at a bar one night last year and this is the first time we are actually meeting.. I was thinking, "uh...those are the kind of details you keep to yourself... I wouldn't parade those details around so easily"... But this is Japan..so who knows.. i see more of her outgoing personality and how she easily talks with people at the bar she has not met before... almost like a guy and unlike any Japanese woman I have spoken to before..

We go to another bar and this is where flashbacks come into play... she starts talking about "should I like you? why should I miss you? what are you to me? Why do you like me? etc etc.." but she was letting her guard down during these conversations, and not as strong... Never the less, with each of my responses... she lifted her guard once again...

3:30 rolls around and time to go home... she was like, "i'll call a taxi and drop you off". another emasculating moment.. i knew there would be no action that night...so I didn't try to make a move.. trust me...nothing would have happened..

In the cab ride home, she says sarcastically "i guess i will see you in 3 to 4 months"... I said, "how about dinner tomorrow night?" she was stunned...but she agrees.. I said, let's try to get to know each other and have a conversation without drinking.... she is a bit silent.. i arrive at the hotel, kissed her on the cheek, in a way that she had no time to react and she was stunned..

Sunday rolls around and no word about the time and place until around 5 PM.. she says she will pick the restaurant.. we go to a Fugu place and have the course meal.. Of course we drink.. it was like she was trying to get me drunk... If she was a normal guy, she was doing this so she could take advantage of me.. wish that was the case, but no..

After dinner, I say let's go to my hotel bar and have some wine... she said no, but I had to convince her that I was not trying anything with her.. so we have some wine at the bar and I come to the understanding that she is ijiwaru... but to the guys she likes... she orders a cab and I order a pinot noir and she teases me that I drink like a girl.. I asked her about qualities she likes in a guy... she says she likes someone she can argue with... and then of course we have our next set of arguments/debates/etc of our future.. she is 40 years old, so I get that... but how about a kiss before you fucking grill me on my intentions with you??

speaking of that kiss... after drinks i walk her out and we get her a cab... tried to kiss her twice with rejection... i would be considered a big size guy in Japan, but with her athletic frame, she was boxing me out like Charles Oakley...

Monday rolls around, and I surprise her with lunch, and she agrees... pleasant lunch with no fighting...just some more ijiwaru from her side..

Though I may portray her as a harsh, mean drunk...she is really a pleasant woman with a soft side.. she knows that I am interested and is trying to figure out my intentions...she asked me what I would think if she were to find a bf... I said I would be happy for her, because I want her to be happy... she didn't like that answer...

If I had the balls, I would tell her I was married and that would not change... parts of me wishes she would ghost me so I would have the broken heart... a fantasy would be her telling me that she was married.. but I know that is not true...

thanks for reading..

 

[User#22664]

Thanks for sharing - I am going to restrain my usual urge to offer any kind of advice. Let me just say it sounds like an experience. As such, it is not a bad thing and probably memories you'll keep for a long time. Seriously, thanks for sharing, stories like this make this forum.

 

[ur19877]

Thanks for sharing - I am going to restrain my usual urge to offer any kind of advice. Let me just say it sounds like an experience. As such, it is not a bad thing and probably memories you'll keep for a long time. Seriously, thanks for sharing, stories like this make this forum.

thanks... not looking for advice... i might not have shared the right or enough details... she's not playing me for money and definitely not for sex... i know what the right thing to do is...but I am not just no there yet..

I wanted to share, because this is not a story that I can share easily with even my closest friends... I am expecting some sarcastic/jovial comments from @MikeH and @Frenchy and who knows what @warubuta may say..LOL

Though...if I later write that I am going to divorce my wife and move to Tokyo because of this girl, I would like someone to pour a bucket of cold water over my head!

 

[Frenchy]

thanks... not looking for advice... i might not have shared the right or enough details... she's not playing me for money and definitely not for sex... i know what the right thing to do is...but I am not just no there yet..

I wanted to share, because this is not a story that I can share easily with even my closest friends... I am expecting some sarcastic/jovial comments from @MikeH and @Frenchy and who knows what @warubuta may say..LOL

Though...if I later write that I am going to divorce my wife and move to Tokyo because of this girl, I would like someone to pour a bucket of cold water over my head!

Well I can pour a bucket of cold water over your head if that’s your idea of fun, but then maybe you will think more coolly and rationally and.... want to divorce your wife even more !

 

[hkAlone]

You're a decent human being questioning its own intentions. It's tough to decipher your brain.

My life is simple at the moment but tends to be complicated once in a while. Time to step back and think.

If any advice, either talk to a (very) close friend or meditate or talk to good therapist for a few sessions.

 

[warubuta]

If she was a sexual person you would have already had sex. My guess is that she hasn’t had sex in years. I think you should tell her you are married. She probably suspects so and you should be straight with her as it will be to your advantage. Are you younger than her? Anyway, it looks to me like you are looking for a non P4P relationship with her. You should just tell her the deal. She might go for it. Sounds like she is a reasonably confident and settled single MILF. She either wants an occasional gaijin fuck toy in her life or not. Sounds to me like not, but you never know.

 

[ur19877]

If she was a sexual person you would have already had sex. My guess is that she hasn’t had sex in years. I think you should tell her you are married. She probably suspects so and you should be straight with her as it will be to your advantage. Are you younger than her? Anyway, it looks to me like you are looking for a non P4P relationship with her. You should just tell her the deal. She might go for it. Sounds like she is a reasonably confident and settled single MILF. She either wants an occasional gaijin fuck toy in her life or not. Sounds to me like not, but you never know.

whenever I read your posts... I usually think, WTF... you are either trolling or giving good advice.. that's why I said who knows what you would say..
exactly same age as her..

and I 'think' you are right with each of your points...
thanks

 

[Majestyk]

Thank you for sharing. It seems like a complicated situation, but warubuta is on point for suggesting that you should simply tell her the deal. Good luck.

As for this quote, it brought me back to the good old days of the NBA.

i would be considered a big size guy in Japan, but with her athletic frame, she was boxing me out like Charles Oakley...

I imagined you, as Charles Barkley of the 76ers, being frustrated by the industrial-strength defense of the Knicks’ Charles Oakley in a playoff game. Cheers!
http://www.nytimes.com/1989/04/28/sports/assigned-to-barkley-oakley-does-job.html

 

[Frenchy]

Thank you for sharing. It seems like a complicated situation, but warubuta is on point for suggesting that you should simply tell her the deal. Good luck.

As for this quote, it brought me back to the good old days of the NBA.


I imagined you, as Charles Barkley of the 76ers, being frustrated by the industrial-strength defense of the Knicks’ Charles Oakley in a playoff game. Cheers!
http://www.nytimes.com/1989/04/28/sports/assigned-to-barkley-oakley-does-job.html

By the way, maybe my usual paranoid tendencies but... tall, athletic, heavy drinker, a bit of a loud mouth in public... dear ur19877 , are you sure it’s really a girl you met at a bar?!

 

[roots reggae]

Evidently this lady strikes some kind of chord with you, otherwise you would not be spending so much time with her, given the unlikely possibility of a "happy ending*."

*Double Entendre Alert

Life is full of all kinds of relationships with women-not all of them immediately sexual, yet with almost any attractive woman, there will be, at least some, underlying sexual tension.

 

[MikeH]

dear ur19877 , are you sure it’s really a girl you met at a bar?!

My dear Frenchy, why you always need to be so picky?

I would say @ur19877 needs to relax and enjoy the ride. And if she is a guy then he needs to relax not only his mind but also his muscles.

She seems like an interesting person, and as @warubuta said I think you should be open to her, just tell her you are married but exited to spend time with her anyways. If she's good with that then you'll probably have a hell of a time. And if she ain't then at least you know.

But yeah, it's exiting and scary and so thrilling to meet a new girl. Just keep your wits with you and do a bucket of cold water regularly not to get too carried away.

 

[Lukes]

Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like a weird but wonderful situation full of mixed emotions. Props to you for putting yourself out there and being persistent. That takes guts on its own. I think at some point though your marriage situation is going to come to light, especially if you're looking for this to actually go somewhere long-term. But I could be wrong. Anyways how you choose to let all this play out is totally up to you. Best of luck.

 

[User#8628]

Though...if I later write that I am going to divorce my wife and move to Tokyo because of this girl, I would like someone to pour a bucket of cold water over my head!

Well, you would get to live in Tokyo! It might be an improvement depending on your life now, lol.

 

[ur19877]

Well, you would get to live in Tokyo! It might be an improvement depending on your life now, lol.

Maybe, but probably not.... ever see those stories where one guy has multiple families in two locations... it would bring me disbelief before..
and now?
I would say... "why (the f..) would you want to be married twice??"

 

[ur19877]

Thank you for sharing. It seems like a complicated situation, but warubuta is on point for suggesting that you should simply tell her the deal. Good luck.

As for this quote, it brought me back to the good old days of the NBA.


I imagined you, as Charles Barkley of the 76ers, being frustrated by the industrial-strength defense of the Knicks’ Charles Oakley in a playoff game. Cheers!
http://www.nytimes.com/1989/04/28/sports/assigned-to-barkley-oakley-does-job.html

I tried to think of a tough rebounder...no one from this generation came to mind..
Charles Oakley was one nasty mofo..

 

[MikeH]

I would say... "why (the f..) would you want to be married twice??"

And that's punishable not only by law but also by having two mother-in-laws!

 

[ur19877]

By the way, maybe my usual paranoid tendencies but... tall, athletic, heavy drinker, a bit of a loud mouth in public... dear ur19877 , are you sure it’s really a girl you met at a bar?!

While I have checked out a lady boy one second too long than I should have..... I'm pretty sure she's a she....

 

[ur19877]

And that's punishable not only by law but also by having two mother-in-laws!

a couple of times I have imagined her as my gf.... then I got an imaginary headache from all the nagging and arguing that would ensue..

 

[ShowaJidai]

I know guys who have gouen into this sort of situation - married but hiding it - and then wanted to tell the girl later without looking like a jerk. Usually they make up a story about their wife having left before they met the girl but then the wife has come back so they now need to tell the girl about it.

It's a plausible story as long as you hadn't sworn any blood oaths about not being married. I know guys who Actually were separated from their wives and never brought it up because it was too raw an emotion.

 

[User#22664]

"thanks... not looking for advice... i might not have shared the right or enough details... she's not playing me for money and definitely not for sex... i know what the right thing to do is...but I am not just no there yet..

I wanted to share, because this is not a story that I can share easily with even my closest friends..."

@ur19877 Your story was very clear, I appreciated it because it was complex and I could relate to certain elements. We can all rush in with advice (some really solid advice in many cases - another thing I love about the forum) but, you ended by thanking us for listening so I wanted to acknowledge that, and emphasize that by sharing the story, you deserved the thanks.

Advice you got so far is spot on. @hkAlone and @warubuta in particular captured things concisely. Being open and talking with her is key, otherwise you'll never know. I would add a couple of non-verbal points. I cannot remember enough of your previous posts, so I apologise if I am treating you like a newbie. I would avoid trying to kiss in public.She's rejected that a couple of times and is of a generation where it was socially unacceptable in Japan (of course many of her contemporaries would, but she's been clear on this). I would also be more assertive. She likes guys who argue with her, so argue her into bed. Don't be afraid to take the lead, literally hold her hand and lead her to the hotel, don't ask permission. I realise she can physically dominate you but the anecdotes point to her enjoying dominance whilst seeking an equal.

Looking forward to the next installment, I realise it is likely several months off, but I am @Unhurried Harry so I can be patient

 

[faboo2001]

Geez, I come into the forums for the jokes and info/tips on scoring, not for deep thoughts and contemplation.

Kidding aside, I also agree with the idea of being more open with her if you wish to pursue things further. And as Unhurried Harry mentioned, it might also mean having to be more assertive with your intent and actions. But all the best, regardless of what happens next!

 

[ur19877]

"thanks... not looking for advice... i might not have shared the right or enough details... she's not playing me for money and definitely not for sex... i know what the right thing to do is...but I am not just no there yet..

I wanted to share, because this is not a story that I can share easily with even my closest friends..."

@ur19877 Your story was very clear, I appreciated it because it was complex and I could relate to certain elements. We can all rush in with advice (some really solid advice in many cases - another thing I love about the forum) but, you ended by thanking us for listening so I wanted to acknowledge that, and emphasize that by sharing the story, you deserved the thanks.

Advice you got so far is spot on. @hkAlone and @warubuta in particular captured things concisely. Being open and talking with her is key, otherwise you'll never know. I would add a couple of non-verbal points. I cannot remember enough of your previous posts, so I apologise if I am treating you like a newbie. I would avoid trying to kiss in public.She's rejected that a couple of times and is of a generation where it was socially unacceptable in Japan (of course many of her contemporaries would, but she's been clear on this). I would also be more assertive. She likes guys who argue with her, so argue her into bed. Don't be afraid to take the lead, literally hold her hand and lead her to the hotel, don't ask permission. I realise she can physically dominate you but the anecdotes point to her enjoying dominance whilst seeking an equal.

Looking forward to the next installment, I realise it is likely several months off, but I am @Unhurried Harry so I can be patient

Thanks to you and everyone who has replied... real solid advice from the team...and the responses from @Frenchy and @MikeH that I expected...

Mainly due to the responses...I have decided that I will tell her the truth the next time we meet, and not pursue her into bed...
In my SA profile, I say, "I am married and that is not going to change".... It's not going to change because I love my life, my wife and family... I have a great life in the US...my wife is wonderful and does treat me well.... I just really enjoy going to japan to eat, soak up the culture, and oh yeah, having sex with Japanese girls via p4p or sugar dating... I have said many times here that Japan is addicting... and I have an addicting personality... thus going to Shibuya Garden 4 times in two days, scheduling 5 sugar dates in 4 days, and don't even ask me about Chikan play..

Back to the girl: I remembered she telling me that she has tried a long distance relationship before in the past...with a guy from London...and obviously that did not work out for one reason or another...Getting to know her more, I have lost the original pursuit of just trying to get her to bed or have her fall for me... I think if I lived there, I think it we would be together.. I am confident that she has some feelings for me, but she is guarded.. She'll hold my hand down the street (when she's buzzed) and then at moment's notice, pull it away with a look of disdain... like I tricked her somehow.. During the cab ride to the hotel, after I stole the kiss on her cheek.. she gave me a dirty glare and wiped her face with her hand.. I am also confident that if I continue the way I act around her, without telling her that I was married, it would lead to a kiss and maybe sex...

But, I came to the realization today, I don't want to do that any more..I now need to figure out... would she be happy to spend time with me, knowing that I was married..

And this point, I think I owe it to the team here to find out... LOL

Lost in all of this in my pursuit of my conquest...is... what if I really don't like her after spending more time with her?? Kidding.. it doesn't really matter... this doesn't happen to me every day.. I am more careful in the US... it's only in Japan where I tend to go a bit crazy..

Cheers..

 

[ur19877]

"thanks... not looking for advice... i might not have shared the right or enough details... she's not playing me for money and definitely not for sex... i know what the right thing to do is...but I am not just no there yet..

I wanted to share, because this is not a story that I can share easily with even my closest friends..."

@ur19877 Your story was very clear, I appreciated it because it was complex and I could relate to certain elements. We can all rush in with advice (some really solid advice in many cases - another thing I love about the forum) but, you ended by thanking us for listening so I wanted to acknowledge that, and emphasize that by sharing the story, you deserved the thanks.

Advice you got so far is spot on. @hkAlone and @warubuta in particular captured things concisely. Being open and talking with her is key, otherwise you'll never know. I would add a couple of non-verbal points. I cannot remember enough of your previous posts, so I apologise if I am treating you like a newbie. I would avoid trying to kiss in public.She's rejected that a couple of times and is of a generation where it was socially unacceptable in Japan (of course many of her contemporaries would, but she's been clear on this). I would also be more assertive. She likes guys who argue with her, so argue her into bed. Don't be afraid to take the lead, literally hold her hand and lead her to the hotel, don't ask permission. I realise she can physically dominate you but the anecdotes point to her enjoying dominance whilst seeking an equal.

Looking forward to the next installment, I realise it is likely several months off, but I am @Unhurried Harry so I can be patient

@Unhurried Harry
Found your post so enjoyable for the following reasons..

I would avoid trying to kiss in public.She's rejected that a couple of times and is of a generation where it was socially unacceptable in Japan (of course many of her contemporaries would, but she's been clear on this). <- Good idea, but does being in an empty street at night still considered Public?

I would also be more assertive. She likes guys who argue with her, so argue her into bed. Don't be afraid to take the lead, literally hold her hand and lead her to the hotel, don't ask permission. <- That sounds fun, but also sounds rolling a large boulder both figuratively and literally. I did try to lead her to a LH without asking the first night, but that didn't work... maybe it was because it was the first time we met... it could work in the future..

I realise she can physically dominate you but the anecdotes point to her enjoying dominance whilst seeking an equal. <- Freak, I am 6'1, 250.. no one i know has thought about me being physically dominated... but I can see how in this post, I am portrayed as someone 5'5, 150.. LOL

 

[User#22664]

@Unhurried Harry
Good idea, but does being in an empty street at night still considered Public?
Freak, I am 6'1, 250.. no one i know has thought about me being physically dominated... but I can see how in this post, I am portrayed as someone 5'5, 150.. LOL

Ha! Ha! Shows why all advice should be taken with a pinch of salt ;-)
I think your revised approach is spot on.
To answer the open points: I would say that yes - an empty street at night is public. You never know when the local oba-san will be pedalling past after closing her little nomiya. By the way, kissing in a taxi is very public thanks to the driver (who admittedly has seen it all).
You've got to judge the size of the boulder, you're the only one who was there. Based on the earlier post, seems like a moot point now. For what it is worth, I suspect your new approach will yield more results and if not, it wasn't meant to be.
Apologies - I read it as you being the same height as her - but her more dominant, weight was not related to my comment!
Anyway, glad you are smiling about it, thanks for making us smile too!

 

[ur19877]

Ha! Ha! Shows why all advice should be taken with a pinch of salt ;-)
I think your revised approach is spot on.
To answer the open points: I would say that yes - an empty street at night is public. You never know when the local oba-san will be pedalling past after closing her little nomiya. By the way, kissing in a taxi is very public thanks to the driver (who admittedly has seen it all).
You've got to judge the size of the boulder, you're the only one who was there. Based on the earlier post, seems like a moot point now. For what it is worth, I suspect your new approach will yield more results and if not, it wasn't meant to be.
Apologies - I read it as you being the same height as her - but her more dominant, weight was not related to my comment!
Anyway, glad you are smiling about it, thanks for making us smile too!

No apologies needed....

semi convinced the wife that we should go to Tokyo with the family to see Sakura in late March... so i better grow some damn balls between now and then!