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Advice needed about my relationship with a japanese woman

HerrmannSeGerman

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Hi all,

I need some advice from you experienced guys about my current relationship. I recently moved from Germany to Tokyo and now after two month of dating I am in a relationship with a J-gril. We are both mid 30 and have a lot of things in common. We also agree on the main questions about the relationship, like moving in together, kids etc…

But there some manners of her I didn’t experienced from western girls so far and I really struggle with them:

1. Not seeing us so often
Especially during the beginning of a relationship me and my previous girlfriends tried to see each other as much as we could. But she seems to be fine seeing each other like two times per week.

2. Less talking
I feel that conversations don’t hold naturally. That means it is always me bringing up topics to talk about and when I run out of topics there is not much conversation anymore. It also seems to be uncommon to her to talk about how the day went etc. When she drinks that totally changes…I mean it’s fun drinking with her but this can’t be the solution, right?!

3. Sex
We already talked about what she likes and what I like. She told that she has some trouble to get an orgasm so often Sex feels like without much passion. Not easy to fix this having problem number 2.

4. Not replying to messages
We text about one message per day. Often she reads a message and don’t reply back for hours. Thinking about my ex girlfriends, we used to text much more and not texting back for such a long time would have pissed off both of us.

I really like her so I want to keep up the relationship but some of that really bothers me. I already talked about some of that with her but I don’t want to bring up all at once.

I am asking myself what of this is pretty normal here among J-girls and what of this is just her. What is your experience about that things?

Pls excuse any mistakes and thanks a lot!!!
 
My advice would be.... get a second GF!
Its hard to have a 100% satisfying relationship
Its somehow easier to get two 50% satisfying relationships :)
(Provided they are complementary of course... ie not the same issues with both)
 
I am asking myself what of this is pretty normal here among J-girls and what of this is just her.

I don't really get why that would be important? If you don't feel comfortable with her manners why it would be better if everyone in Japan behaved the same?

Having that many areas of discomfort before even moving in together just sounds me like a very dangerous expedition.
 
My advice would be.... get a second GF!
Its hard to have a 100% satisfying relationship
Its somehow easier to get two 50% satisfying relationships :)
(Provided they are complementary of course... ie not the same issues with both)

This could be a way to go:)

I don't really get why that would be important? If you don't feel comfortable with her manners why it would be better if everyone in Japan behaved the same?

Having that many areas of discomfort before even moving in together just sounds me like a very dangerous expedition.

At least I want to talk to her about that things bevor I get a second girlfriend or thinking about breaking up...we are a couple for only one month so there is still some energy left to work on the relationship. Some of that problems could be fixed and some of that maybe not. But before talking to her I need some input of how common those things are here in Japan.
 
But before talking to her I need some input of how common those things are here in Japan.

I still don't get why that would be important. She behaves in a way you are not comfortable with. By talking to her you either get her change that or not. And then you get used to it or not.

Nothing in that is dependent on how many other girls behave the same way.
 
Those things are not uncommon aside the sex part, which is an individual thing. Also you are together for one month, so maybe you two are moving at different speeds. Her time horizon for getting to the next stage might be totally different from yours.

If it's any comfort to you, with two dates per week, you are pretty surely her number one. Could be all her free evenings. She isn't going to drop all her social circles for you just after one month.
 
I still don't get why that would be important. She behaves in a way you are not comfortable with. By talking to her you either get her change that or not. And then you get used to it or not.

Nothing in that is dependent on how many other girls behave the same way.

I think in a relationship both should be willing to compromise. So knowing what is common behaviour helps me to determine the level of compromising.

Those things are not uncommon aside the sex part, which is an individual thing. Also you are together for one month, so maybe you two are moving at different speeds. Her time horizon for getting to the next stage might be totally different from yours.

If it's any comfort to you, with two dates per week, you are pretty surely her number one. Could be all her free evenings. She isn't going to drop all her social circles for you just after one month.

She actually suggested to move in together after three weeks so I thought she is moving way faster than me. But I think that just don't mach to her other behaviours. Maybe it is just me but I never experienced that kind of mixed signals from a girlfriend.

My advice would be to learn to speak the language well enough so that you can communicate in Japanese comfortably before you get too attached to anyone.

I am working hard on it.
 
I think in a relationship both should be willing to compromise. So knowing what is common behaviour helps me to determine the level of compromising.

So if you find out that when moving in together in Japan it is customary for the girl to cut one of your balls off then you'll be like "okay, if that's normal then I guess...". :eek::D

But of course that is not true; according to the gospel in TAG they cut both of your balls when you get married. :p
 
Hi all,

I need some advice from you experienced guys about my current relationship. I recently moved from Germany to Tokyo and now after two month of dating I am in a relationship with a J-gril. We are both mid 30 and have a lot of things in common. We also agree on the main questions about the relationship, like moving in together, kids etc…

But there some manners of her I didn’t experienced from western girls so far and I really struggle with them:

1. Not seeing us so often
Especially during the beginning of a relationship me and my previous girlfriends tried to see each other as much as we could. But she seems to be fine seeing each other like two times per week.

2. Less talking
I feel that conversations don’t hold naturally. That means it is always me bringing up topics to talk about and when I run out of topics there is not much conversation anymore. It also seems to be uncommon to her to talk about how the day went etc. When she drinks that totally changes…I mean it’s fun drinking with her but this can’t be the solution, right?!

3. Sex
We already talked about what she likes and what I like. She told that she has some trouble to get an orgasm so often Sex feels like without much passion. Not easy to fix this having problem number 2.

4. Not replying to messages
We text about one message per day. Often she reads a message and don’t reply back for hours. Thinking about my ex girlfriends, we used to text much more and not texting back for such a long time would have pissed off both of us.

I really like her so I want to keep up the relationship but some of that really bothers me. I already talked about some of that with her but I don’t want to bring up all at once.

I am asking myself what of this is pretty normal here among J-girls and what of this is just her. What is your experience about that things?

Pls excuse any mistakes and thanks a lot!!!

No offense, but I used to drink with a lot of German businessmen while living in Japan and--from the perspective of this American--you fuckers have lot of odd quirks, yourselves, that wouldn't be considered normal stateside. For that matter, I don't think German men fare particularly well in America with American women, mostly because of those quirks. German women, on the other hand, tend to get on well, mostly because they still have that "old world" European charm and, unlike most liberal American women, don't feel compelled to spend the majority of the day pissing and bitching and whining and proclaiming their opinions and political positions and moral outrage about [insert bullshit subject here]. A couple of my uncles brought back German wives after the war was over. Their kids were always gorgeous.

But seriously, everything you described is not at all out of the ordinary in Japan. The problem as I see it is that you appear to be framing this girl and/or this country as your only option in life. There are other places to go wife-hunting, you know? If the neurotic Japanese female isn't your cup of tea, perhaps try a fling in the P.I. next?? Believe me, if what you're after is some crazy bitch who's gonna call and text and follow you around all day and if you're not home by 4:30pm EVERY SINGLE DAY, the next time you come home at 7:45pm after a few drinks with some friends she'll probably be waiting in the kitchen for you with dinner, a drink and also a knife. And when/if you get out of the hospital, after sorting through the 5,000 apology texts and love notes she's sent you since yesterday, you can start planning on the next country to try.

I'd take a hard look at those Czech women. Fuck me, they are hot.
 
We text about one message per day. Often she reads a message and don’t reply back for hours.
honestly speaking - this especially, added to the rest sounds like she just isn't that into you.
Id move on.
even if I'm mis-reading her and she does like you, she doesn't sound like the woman you want, so why try and change her?
 
My J-girl (late-30s) and I just ended our relationship, a few weeks ago, mostly because of the points you mentioned above. Just to give you some background into my relationship - we discussed a lot of things when we had started dating (outside of sex). It was amazing - in the beginning, we were communicative, responsive and she would write cute things such as I love you, I can't wait to see you, etc. But as the relationship went out into month 4 or 5, she implied indirectly that now that the 'honeymoon' phase is over, there's no need for the aforementioned things. Not directly. What I mean by subtly, is that it started only coming from me. She is busy and while we communicated a lot in the beginning, she stated that she needs to focus on her work also, as we can talk via phone messages (not calls!) in the evenings. She also didn't like to focus on mundane questions about each other's day etc.

One thing I would recommend is that you really need to focus on their actions more than their words if you want to continue the relationship. I realized too late how happy she made me, and when I started to think about my relationship, I noticed she would do really small things to show me, instead of telling me that she cares. Like filling a draw with clothes she got for me since I used to stay over a lot, or buying me different types of chopsticks from her work travels. I don't really want to share too much, but hopefully, you get the idea.

To her credit, I must say, I realized a lot of things about myself also. That it's hard if you're an emotional person like me, to be with a wholly independent Japanese woman. And by that I mean, they are really good at spending time with themselves and I admired and still do admire that trait about her.

Eventually, we ended our relationship after 11 months. For pretty much 1, 2 and 4 points you mentioned above, or lack thereof. Towards the end, she told me that she felt there was less substance and the focus was mostly on sex in our relationship, which seems to be the same direction since you're asking some of the same questions I was wondering a few months ago. To be honest, I came out feeling like Japanese women are truly amazing and wishing I'd worked a little harder on understand the same things you are mentioning about earlier. But, if you're an emotional type of person like me, yeah, it's probably not a good fit.

PS → Also, she finally told me everything she didn't like via message at the end of our relationship when we knew it was over. But for the longest time, she didn't discuss her emotions or how she felt, so be ready for that. It comes like a waterfall.
 
My J-girl (late-30s) and I just ended our relationship, a few weeks ago, mostly because of the points you mentioned above. Just to give you some background into my relationship - we discussed a lot of things when we had started dating (outside of sex). It was amazing - in the beginning, we were communicative, responsive and she would write cute things such as I love you, I can't wait to see you, etc. But as the relationship went out into month 4 or 5, she implied indirectly that now that the 'honeymoon' phase is over, there's no need for the aforementioned things. Not directly. What I mean by subtly, is that it started only coming from me. She is busy and while we communicated a lot in the beginning, she stated that she needs to focus on her work also, as we can talk via phone messages (not calls!) in the evenings. She also didn't like to focus on mundane questions about each other's day etc.

One thing I would recommend is that you really need to focus on their actions more than their words if you want to continue the relationship. I realized too late how happy she made me, and when I started to think about my relationship, I noticed she would do really small things to show me, instead of telling me that she cares. Like filling a draw with clothes she got for me since I used to stay over a lot, or buying me different types of chopsticks from her work travels. I don't really want to share too much, but hopefully, you get the idea.

To her credit, I must say, I realized a lot of things about myself also. That it's hard if you're an emotional person like me, to be with a wholly independent Japanese woman. And by that I mean, they are really good at spending time with themselves and I admired and still do admire that trait about her.

Eventually, we ended our relationship after 11 months. For pretty much 1, 2 and 4 points you mentioned above, or lack thereof. Towards the end, she told me that she felt there was less substance and the focus was mostly on sex in our relationship, which seems to be the same direction since you're asking some of the same questions I was wondering a few months ago. To be honest, I came out feeling like Japanese women are truly amazing and wishing I'd worked a little harder on understand the same things you are mentioning about earlier. But, if you're an emotional type of person like me, yeah, it's probably not a good fit.

PS → Also, she finally told me everything she didn't like via message at the end of our relationship when we knew it was over. But for the longest time, she didn't discuss her emotions or how she felt, so be ready for that. It comes like a waterfall.
Well that note is very nice and insightful, but my opinion is that the reason she left you is that you just didn’t fuck her hard enough. Just my opinion, anyway, as it were.
 
My J-girl (late-30s) and I just ended our relationship, a few weeks ago, mostly because of the points you mentioned above. Just to give you some background into my relationship - we discussed a lot of things when we had started dating (outside of sex). It was amazing - in the beginning, we were communicative, responsive and she would write cute things such as I love you, I can't wait to see you, etc. But as the relationship went out into month 4 or 5, she implied indirectly that now that the 'honeymoon' phase is over, there's no need for the aforementioned things. Not directly. What I mean by subtly, is that it started only coming from me. She is busy and while we communicated a lot in the beginning, she stated that she needs to focus on her work also, as we can talk via phone messages (not calls!) in the evenings. She also didn't like to focus on mundane questions about each other's day etc.

One thing I would recommend is that you really need to focus on their actions more than their words if you want to continue the relationship. I realized too late how happy she made me, and when I started to think about my relationship, I noticed she would do really small things to show me, instead of telling me that she cares. Like filling a draw with clothes she got for me since I used to stay over a lot, or buying me different types of chopsticks from her work travels. I don't really want to share too much, but hopefully, you get the idea.

To her credit, I must say, I realized a lot of things about myself also. That it's hard if you're an emotional person like me, to be with a wholly independent Japanese woman. And by that I mean, they are really good at spending time with themselves and I admired and still do admire that trait about her.

Eventually, we ended our relationship after 11 months. For pretty much 1, 2 and 4 points you mentioned above, or lack thereof. Towards the end, she told me that she felt there was less substance and the focus was mostly on sex in our relationship, which seems to be the same direction since you're asking some of the same questions I was wondering a few months ago. To be honest, I came out feeling like Japanese women are truly amazing and wishing I'd worked a little harder on understand the same things you are mentioning about earlier. But, if you're an emotional type of person like me, yeah, it's probably not a good fit.

PS → Also, she finally told me everything she didn't like via message at the end of our relationship when we knew it was over. But for the longest time, she didn't discuss her emotions or how she felt, so be ready for that. It comes like a waterfall.

I don't know you but life has made me pretty good at sizing up situations like this so I'm going to go Dr. Phil here and out on a limb: You were too much of a needy pussy while at the same time didn't eat enough pussy.

No matter what MSNBC or snowflake columnists tell you, women are inherently women, meaning they don't want another whining effeminate type bleating on about his needs or fears or emotions. And chances are, those 4.5 inches aren't inspiring many orgasms. So life lesson...shut the fuck up and learn how to lick the clam properly and often and chances are your next relationship will last longer.
 
To be honest, I came out feeling like Japanese women

Why? From your sample size of 1?
There’s been a few threads like this recently; ‘japanese women are x’ both positive and negative. The common denominator is that the author cant get a girlfriend, or has been dumped or divorced.
My advice would be chill out with the sweeping generalisations, treat people as you’d want to be treated, and you and the right lady will find each other.
 
I don't know you but life has made me pretty good at sizing up situations like this so I'm going to go Dr. Phil here and out on a limb: You were too much of a needy pussy while at the same time didn't eat enough pussy.

No matter what MSNBC or snowflake columnists tell you, women are inherently women, meaning they don't want another whining effeminate type bleating on about his needs or fears or emotions. And chances are, those 4.5 inches aren't inspiring many orgasms. So life lesson...shut the fuck up and learn how to lick the clam properly and often and chances are your next relationship will last longer.

you're probably spot on!


Why? From your sample size of 1?
There’s been a few threads like this recently; ‘japanese women are x’ both positive and negative. The common denominator is that the author cant get a girlfriend, or has been dumped or divorced.
My advice would be chill out with the sweeping generalisations, treat people as you’d want to be treated, and you and the right lady will find each other.

probably spot on too! thanks for the feedback.
 
Hi all,

I need some advice from you experienced guys about my current relationship. I recently moved from Germany to Tokyo and now after two month of dating I am in a relationship with a J-gril. We are both mid 30 and have a lot of things in common. We also agree on the main questions about the relationship, like moving in together, kids etc…

But there some manners of her I didn’t experienced from western girls so far and I really struggle with them:

1. Not seeing us so often
Especially during the beginning of a relationship me and my previous girlfriends tried to see each other as much as we could. But she seems to be fine seeing each other like two times per week.

2. Less talking
I feel that conversations don’t hold naturally. That means it is always me bringing up topics to talk about and when I run out of topics there is not much conversation anymore. It also seems to be uncommon to her to talk about how the day went etc. When she drinks that totally changes…I mean it’s fun drinking with her but this can’t be the solution, right?!

3. Sex
We already talked about what she likes and what I like. She told that she has some trouble to get an orgasm so often Sex feels like without much passion. Not easy to fix this having problem number 2.

4. Not replying to messages
We text about one message per day. Often she reads a message and don’t reply back for hours. Thinking about my ex girlfriends, we used to text much more and not texting back for such a long time would have pissed off both of us.

I really like her so I want to keep up the relationship but some of that really bothers me. I already talked about some of that with her but I don’t want to bring up all at once.

I am asking myself what of this is pretty normal here among J-girls and what of this is just her. What is your experience about that things?

Pls excuse any mistakes and thanks a lot!!!

Take it easy. Take it slowly. I got an impression that you've planned things out for her and she couldn't catch up with them. Do you communicate with her in German, English or Japanese? If not Japanese, her German/English is fluent enough? Does she have a good amount of overseas experience? If not, it may be a bit of stress for her to speak/write to you in a foreign language. For a first few dates, she may have prepared her scripts in advance. It's quite natural that she can speak way less when she is out of scripts. You may feel awkward when conversation dies down, but don't be afraid of silence. As a song goes, silence is golden. Look into her eyes, smile, and give her time to react.
 
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:)I agree with the rest of folks that it is not unusual what happens to you. Budding a relationship up between couples of different cultures requires a certain degree of adaptation and much mutual understanding. Your way of thinking and acting is empathic, and that paves the way.
I have a 2-year relationship with my Japanese girlfriend, and if it helps you, I share my experience.
Language is a greater barrier than it seems, especially when expressing feelings. My girl speaks English, but when she has to express herself in intimacy, she often doesn't find the right words, and she is frustrated some times, and stays silent.
1. Not seeing us so often
People work too much in Japan. Do you know if her work may require very long working days?
2. Less talking
Language as a barrier? Is she shy? Being patient, learn Japanese will help.
3. Sex
It is a matter of practice and caring. Some girls have not had adequate sexual education, nor good experience. Dedicate yourself to her in bed to warm up the environment. There are no cold women, there are clumsy men.
4. Not replying to messages
Language as a barrier again? Too much work? Maybe she needs to use a translator. You can use automatic translator by Line.
But in the end, have you thought that her personality may not be what you expect? Give yourself time, if you are going to live together and she only keeps conversations when she is drunk (bad for her health and for your pocket), if she does not enjoy sex, and if she does not answer your messages ... you will have a much bigger problem than the one you have now.
Love is not complicated, people are. If you found a complicated girl, remember there are many other opportunities you are missing. If you are the complicated one (nobody is perfect) remember the same and try to find a girl who believes you are like a god.:joyful:
 
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I think most useful things I could say have been covered by others but I would advise to throw out all your expectations and start from zero,particularly the parts about Western women. I have a bunch of friends who moved to Japan and then got really attached to the first Japanese female that showed interest in them, it's never ended well. Don't think of her as the finish line but as the start, learn more about dating and life in Japan through this experience while working on your language skills. These issues sound like every single relationship I've seen in Japan where the foreigner doesn't speak any or enough Japanese for communication to work. Don't rely on anybodies basic knowledge of your own language, unless she's Japanese-American and was born and raised overseas she likely can't express herself like she can in her own language.

The key to relationships working in Japan between Westerners and Japanese tends to be: 1. Learning Japanese to at least a conversational level and 2. Communicating in your relationship almost exclusively in her language.