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Am I being a complete jerk?

Des Esseintes

Des Esseintes

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Hi,

Sorry for keeping the title of this thread kinda vague.

So here's what it's about. I've met this girl who's kinda super hot (at least she is to me, other opinions might differ) as a one night stand a couple of times and now we're heading towards what might be a regular relationship as she seems to like me too. We were supposed to meet on a regular date about a month ago, like outside and not just for sex (I know I might be doing things in the wrong order having sex with her first and then going on a regular date but life is generally just happening to me and I'm merely keeping up with it).

So then she cancelled saying she's not feeling well and besides she has herpes on her mouth. She's a very straightforward and honest person so I appreciate her telling me something that must be hard to admit.

This sends me in a bit of a panic and I immediately go to see a doctor to get tested since even though we used condoms both times, the oral sex was unprotected. My concern is also that I might have contaminated her as I could be carrying the virus without knowing it and I don't know (didn't ask) if it was the first time she had an outbreak. The doctor tells me to come back in a week since you need to wait a bit of time after the last sexual intercourse for anything to show up. I eventually get to do the test and it comes out negative.

We keep in touch all the time and I never mention any of that to her. I have to leave the country for a while and again we can't meet. So we're due to see each other again pretty soon for a regular date. I think she wants to start the relationship on a non-sexual basis to see how we get along when we're both wearing clothes.

So now I'm wondering. Even though we don't have a lot in common I kinda really like her, she's a very warm, straightforward person, which is very rare in Japan, she has a body to die for and the sex was the best I've ever had in my life. But now I know that when the time will come for me to kiss her I will inevitably think about the risks of contamination even when there's no outbreak. The thing is that given the statistics I've probably already had sex with or even had a relationship with people who had herpes without even knowing it. I don't know if my concerns are legitimate, or how big of a risk I would be taking. What would you do in my place?
 
To be honest I would not care a bit. More than half of the population has HSV-1. Estimates I have seen for US or Europe go from 50% to 80%.

I would have a break from kissing and oral sex when there is an outbreak but otherwise would not give it a second thought.
 
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MikeH said:
To be honest I would not care a bit. More than half of the population has HSV-1. Estimates I have seen for US or Europe go from 50% to 80%.

I would have a break from kissing and oral sex when there is an outbreak but otherwise would not give it a second thought.
Click to expand...

That was a very diplomatic way of answering yes to the question in the thread title, but that's just what I wanted to hear.

I once caught a bacterial prostatitis from receiving oral sex about 5 years ago (hurt like hell for about a month) and since then I've been really paranoid about those thing.
 
I think you are confusing things. She’s got a herpes on her mouth, it has not much to do with oral sex, especially if none of you had any outbreaks when doing oral sex.
She’s probably had it since childhood.

I’d wait for your tests to come back to even see if you don’t have it as well, and then whatever decision you make to see her or not is up to you.
 
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Tests came back, I don't have it (or anything else for that matter)
She had an outbreak a few days after having sex with me so I really wanted to be sure.

From what I've read herpes on the mouth can be transmitted to the genitals and reciprocally. But I might be wrong on this.
 
It can happen, but like, I used to be part of a free counseling services for teens and college students and anecdotally I don’t even recall a for-sure hsv-1 crossing over orally. What a keeper though; you can build something on great sex and frank honesty.
 
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Des Esseintes said:
Tests came back, I don't have it (or anything else for that matter)
She had an outbreak a few days after having sex with me so I really wanted to be sure.

From what I've read herpes on the mouth can be transmitted to the genitals and reciprocally. But I might be wrong on this.
Click to expand...

It can happen, but it's rare. HSV-1 highly prefers the oral region, HSV-2 the genital and anal area.

It's almost like they're unionized. "Hey, that's a genital! Not my f**kin' job!!!"
 
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Many years ago, my very first girlfriend (Japanese) also had an Herpes outbrake while I was dating her.
She told me she had caught it during her childhood and I didn't make a fuss about it.
And I'm kind of paranoid with anything related to STDs so .... I don't think you should worry.

Anyway, congrats for the new relationship.

Des Esseintes said:
she's a very warm, straightforward person, which is very rare in Japan
Click to expand...

Maybe you were very unlucky until now but IMHO you can find these girls pretty easily in Japan.
Not rare at all.
 
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Nothing to worry about. Look for the other bumps in that private place instead (if she even ever has a breakout there) . Been exposed to my partner while she had a breakout on the lips and I've been tested multiple times as never having the antibody related to the sexual part. In fact, never got the Hep either from her. Been recently tested for that too. Just safe to avoid oral sex when she has a breakout on her oral area. I worked at doctor's office and personally asked him this and he said just take that sole precaution.
 
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Des Esseintes said:
Hi,

Sorry for keeping the title of this thread kinda vague.

So here's what it's about. I've met this girl who's kinda super hot (at least she is to me, other opinions might differ) as a one night stand a couple of times and now we're heading towards what might be a regular relationship as she seems to like me too. We were supposed to meet on a regular date about a month ago, like outside and not just for sex (I know I might be doing things in the wrong order having sex with her first and then going on a regular date but life is generally just happening to me and I'm merely keeping up with it).

So then she cancelled saying she's not feeling well and besides she has herpes on her mouth. She's a very straightforward and honest person so I appreciate her telling me something that must be hard to admit.

This sends me in a bit of a panic and I immediately go to see a doctor to get tested since even though we used condoms both times, the oral sex was unprotected. My concern is also that I might have contaminated her as I could be carrying the virus without knowing it and I don't know (didn't ask) if it was the first time she had an outbreak. The doctor tells me to come back in a week since you need to wait a bit of time after the last sexual intercourse for anything to show up. I eventually get to do the test and it comes out negative.

We keep in touch all the time and I never mention any of that to her. I have to leave the country for a while and again we can't meet. So we're due to see each other again pretty soon for a regular date. I think she wants to start the relationship on a non-sexual basis to see how we get along when we're both wearing clothes.

So now I'm wondering. Even though we don't have a lot in common I kinda really like her, she's a very warm, straightforward person, which is very rare in Japan, she has a body to die for and the sex was the best I've ever had in my life. But now I know that when the time will come for me to kiss her I will inevitably think about the risks of contamination even when there's no outbreak. The thing is that given the statistics I've probably already had sex with or even had a relationship with people who had herpes without even knowing it. I don't know if my concerns are legitimate, or how big of a risk I would be taking. What would you do in my place?
Click to expand...

I am in a similar boat here, almost too similar that I think there is a chance we are seeing the same girl. Do you mind letting me know the first 3 letters of her first name? Just to be sure :LOL:

On another note, I completely understand your concern. I myself was very worried and told the girl about it, even went so far as to ask her to stop giving me oral and DFK. Naturally, I have gone against my words and started kissing her all on my own now because she is irresistible like that :cry:
 
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majimekun said:
Many years ago, my very first girlfriend (Japanese) also had an Herpes outbrake while I was dating her.
She told me she had caught it during her childhood and I didn't make a fuss about it.
And I'm kind of paranoid with anything related to STDs so .... I don't think you should worry.

Anyway, congrats for the new relationship.
Click to expand...

Thanks but I'm not quite there yet. We've only had sex so far.
 
majimekun said:
Maybe you were very unlucky until now but IMHO you can find these girls pretty easily in Japan.
Not rare at all.
Click to expand...

They might not be rare but due to my personality and maybe relying too much on dating apps (not this time though), I tend to attract the socially-awkward, neurotic ones.
 
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fareastmovement said:
I am in a similar boat here, almost too similar that I think there is a chance we are seeing the same girl. Do you mind letting me know the first 3 letters of her first name? Just to be sure :LOL:

On another note, I completely understand your concern. I myself was very worried and told the girl about it, even went so far as to ask her to stop giving me oral and DFK. Naturally, I have gone against my words and started kissing her all on my own now because she is irresistible like that :cry:
Click to expand...

You got me worried now!! I might be with the same girl
First three letters, but that's all of them?!!
 
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