Cutting Edge

[Harlem Blade]

Hello everybody. I have posted a few times but not properly introduced myself.

Been living in Japan about 20 years now. Married with family. The wife's sex drive is not very much in synch with mine, so I wander to sites like this and live vicariously through others.

 

[poutine]

Welcome!
Your introduction reads like my life; Long time resident, married, and no sex (at home). Browsing TAG definitely makes my day a little brighter

 

[Harlem Blade]

Glad to know I am not alone. Haha!

 

[TAG Manager]

Glad to know I am not alone. Haha!

Many more lurkers reading - thanks for joining up and don't be afraid live even more dangerously.

 

[Harlem Blade]

I am a pretty shy fellow.

 

[scorpioni6ths]

I am a pretty shy fellow.

I'm pretty shy myself ... and in the past year I've learned and done things that can only be shared in these forums.

you only live once ...

 

[zecarioca]

you only live once ...

 

[chinshiko]

I thought you copied and pasted my profile for a minute there
I guess there are a lot of us in the same boat — kind of sad but thankful to have options via p4p.

 

[chinshiko]

I'm pretty shy myself ... and in the past year I've learned and done things that can only be shared in these forums.

I'll have to read some of your posts

 

[User#18046]

Very similar... been in Japan since 1994 with a few breaks. Japanese wife is done having kids so done with me, other than me opening jars and changing lightbulbs for her. I do a lot of very conservative P4P, so I don't home any souvenirs. Mostly happy massages or CBJ. Nothing a local salaryman wouldn't do.

 

[Harlem Blade]

Such a strange trend for this country. Why do couples accept it?

 

[MikeH]

Such a strange trend for this country. Why do couples accept it?

Many of those married ladies still want sex. They just don't want it with their husbands.

So the husbands keep the p4p industry busy and the wives keep guys like me busy . Usually more than 80% of the girls I meet for fun are married with kids.

Obviously I do prefer them that way as they are not interested to get a ring or a baby out of me.

 

[User#8628]

Many of those married ladies still want sex. They just don't want it with their husbands.

So the husbands keep the p4p industry busy and the wives keep guys like me busy . Usually more than 80% of the girls I meet for fun are married with kids.

Obviously I do prefer them that way as they are not interested to get a ring or a baby out of me.

May i ask why they prefer you over their husband?

 

[e-smile]

May i ask why they prefer you over their husband?

the flame is dead with their husband as they turn into mothers in their homes. the husband is a part of their new family he becomes like a brother. but that doesn't mean they don't want to feel like they are still women who can desire and be desired.

also in Japan divorce is still not seen as a normal ending of a couple, they are not quitters, so they take the husband for granted once married and don't feel the urge to please anymore. and a woman need to feel sexy to trigger her own desires, if she doesn't try to be sexy and desired by her husband she won't desire him much in that case.

I may be wrong that's my analysis of the situation.

 

[MikeH]

I may be wrong that's my analysis of the situation.

I think your analysis was spot on!

@User#8628 They prefer me over their husbands because I am not their husband .

I have no misconceptions of being a young flaming hulk with six-pack made of steel. But I look civilised enough to be talked to in a bar or other social surroundings and I am available and also let them know it . Many ladies claim I am even funny. At least I don't come forward as a freak or pervert; I can hide that side in the beginning .

But basically they are just looking for something or someone who makes them feel wanted again. Just couple of weeks ago when I talked with one girl she told me that she is very strict and even mean to her husband. I told her I've never noticed that side in her as she is always very sweet and caring. She answered; "why would I be mad at you? We meet just sometimes for fun and you are fun in and out of bed; what's there to get mad about?" Well put I think.

 

[Harlem Blade]

And what if the husband always does his best to make her feel like a wowan? Is it doomed from the start?

 

[e-smile]

And what if the husband always does his best to make her feel like a wowan? Is it doomed from the start?

it's not necessarily the husband's fault.

some women just transform into their own mothers when they get married and they are overwhelmed with the wife/mother duties so they quit the girlfriend mode to get into the housewife mode. you can see how Japanese people switch into modes, the way they are in the shigoto mode is completely different from the way they are in other situation.

MikeH mentioned in the previous post that the married woman was mean and strict to her husband, I think she believes she's being mean and strict for his own good, because that's the way her mother was with her father. as they believe they have to play that role they forget to be themselves with their husband and It only natural they will need to let lose with someone else to compensate.

it doesn't mean the husband should give up on any hopes to try preventing her from the automatic mode switch. but he has to try early before the mode becomes too impregnated with her. for example early in my marriage I refused to let my wife call me dad. she said in japan they call each other mum and dad and I said it was killing the couple softly and that we have to keep being a couple and not only parents. it's a subject we've discussed a lot and I made it clear that I would divorce if we transform into a relation with only platonic affection between us like kyodai.

 

[User#18046]

it's not necessarily the husband's fault.

some women just transform into their own mothers when they get married and they are overwhelmed with the wife/mother duties so they quit the girlfriend mode to get into the housewife mode. you can see how Japanese people switch into modes, the way they are in the shigoto mode is completely different from the way they are in other situation.

MikeH mentioned in the previous post that the married woman was mean and strict to her husband, I think she believes she's being mean and strict for his own good, because that's the way her mother was with her father. as they believe they have to play that role they forget to be themselves with their husband and It only natural they will need to let lose with someone else to compensate.

it doesn't mean the husband should give up on any hopes to try preventing her from the automatic mode switch. but he has to try early before the mode becomes too impregnated with her. for example early in my marriage I refused to let my wife call me dad. she said in japan they call each other mum and dad and I said it was killing the couple softly and that we have to keep being a couple and not only parents. it's a subject we've discussed a lot and I made it clear that I would divorce if we transform into a relation with only platonic affection between us like kyodai.

I think you've nailed it. Funny, shortly after our first son was born, my wife said to me, "Don't call me 'mommy'" but soon after she was referring to us as Mommy and Daddy herself. She's been とてもきびしい now to me for decades. I think in any culture, familiarity will breed a certain amount of contempt, but the strict roles found in Japanese culture exacerbate the situation. One of my wife's stated reasons for marrying a foreigner was to escape those roles, but while I don't hold her to them, she has naturally fallen into them over time. All of my American friends with Japanese wives seem to have an identical experience. We call it the hive mind. A British friend who has been in Japan for decades said he makes all the big decisions and his wife makes the small ones; so she decides where they will live, where the kids will go to school, how everyone's time is scheduled, what and when they will eat, how they will spend their money... and he decides what to do about global politics and world peace.

 

[e-smile]

I think you've nailed it. Funny, shortly after our first son was born, my wife said to me, "Don't call me 'mommy'" but soon after she was referring to us as Mommy and Daddy herself. She's been とてもきびしい now to me for decades. I think in any culture, familiarity will breed a certain amount of contempt, but the strict roles found in Japanese culture exacerbate the situation. One of my wife's stated reasons for marrying a foreigner was to escape those roles, but while I don't hold her to them, she has naturally fallen into them over time. All of my American friends with Japanese wives seem to have an identical experience. We call it the hive mind.

Exactly !
A good friend of mine got married to a Japanese woman and he was surprised to see her change. They divorced after a couple of years and are back together now and the relation is much better with the kare-kano roles now.

I think I made the right decision to move back to my home country when my son turned 4. I wanted him to grow closer to me and learn many languages but I also wanted her to escape the hive mind as you call it.

A British friend who has been in Japan for decades said he makes all the big decisions and his wife makes the small ones; so she decides where they will live, where the kids will go to school, how everyone's time is scheduled, what and when they will eat, how they will spend their money... and he decides what to do about global politics and world peace.

 

[ur19877]

Wow this thread went from an introduction to a deep discussion in a hurry....

 

[ur19877]

May i ask why they prefer you over their husband?

Because what woman wouldn't a guy in a leather jacket, shades and in a convertible. ..

 

[Harlem Blade]

The hive mind concept is interesting and rings true of a number of relationships I have seen out here.

I also know foreigners who have married Japanese women and then moved their families out to prevent it from taking over.

Interesting that the women here can be so enamoured by a foreign lifestyle, but when it falls into their lap, they do everything to push it away--at least the parts different than what they would have in a local marriage.

 

[Frenchy]

it's not necessarily the husband's fault.

some women just transform into their own mothers when they get married and they are overwhelmed with the wife/mother duties so they quit the girlfriend mode to get into the housewife mode. you can see how Japanese people switch into modes, the way they are in the shigoto mode is completely different from the way they are in other situation.

MikeH mentioned in the previous post that the married woman was mean and strict to her husband, I think she believes she's being mean and strict for his own good, because that's the way her mother was with her father. as they believe they have to play that role they forget to be themselves with their husband and It only natural they will need to let lose with someone else to compensate.

it doesn't mean the husband should give up on any hopes to try preventing her from the automatic mode switch. but he has to try early before the mode becomes too impregnated with her. for example early in my marriage I refused to let my wife call me dad. she said in japan they call each other mum and dad and I said it was killing the couple softly and that we have to keep being a couple and not only parents. it's a subject we've discussed a lot and I made it clear that I would divorce if we transform into a relation with only platonic affection between us like kyodai.

And... did it work?
I had similar conversations with mine but gave up long ago. Now we are separated. Anyway , in Japan maybe more than elsewhere but obviously elsewhere too , the traditional way of living together called marriage is in deep deep crisis... I hope future generations will find ways to change that model and find better arrangements

 

[e-smile]

And... did it work?
I had similar conversations with mine but gave up long ago. Now we are separated. Anyway , in Japan maybe more than elsewhere but obviously elsewhere too , the traditional way of living together called marriage is in deep deep crisis... I hope future generations will find ways to change that model and find better arrangements

It's working well so far, we're not living trapped in the Japanese way of being a couple although she's still a strict mother and an overworking housewife. but at least she's a good Japanese girlfriend to me and I think we have a decent couple relation for a 13 years marriage.

 

[Frenchy]

It's working well so far, we're not living trapped in the Japanese way of being a couple although she's still a strict mother and an overworking housewife. but at least she's a good Japanese girlfriend to me and I think we have a decent couple relation for a 13 years marriage.

Congrats !