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- Sep 30, 2019
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Hi there everyone. Call me The Greek. The name is a reference to the character from The Wire, though I am much younger (but like him, not actually Greek). It came to mind randomly. Whatever.
Background
Just some background on me before I get started: I am from an English-speaking country, light-skinned, fluent in Japanese, was involved in the Japanese community moderately back home and have been in Japan for 5 years but Tokyo for only just over 1 year. I am tall, solid, not fat or fit. I stopped counting my notches once they reached the 30s some 6 or 7 years ago and I started forgetting experiences, names etc. Most of my experience has been with Japanese women, back home and here. And most of my meetings have been through apps. My target age range has skewed older than myself but ranges from 8 years younger than me to 12 years older.
My "formal(?)" PUA training consists of having read Sinapse's book and Roosh V's Game. I read both of those first just over a year ago, so quite recently. While I agree with neither fully, both are great resources that I can recommend based on the fact the information provided in them aligned with my own experiences and I was able to put the new advice in both to good use.
I'm arrogant enough to think what I say has value because I have put my experience and knowledge to use helping out several friends and it has worked out well for them. I hope this helps you save some time/energy too.
I'm also a fussy bastard and slowing down these days because my standards have gotten higher with time. The current rule is I won't screw anyone I would be unhappy to get pregnant. This came about after a rather sobering encounter a few years ago where I dropped my standards after a dry stint and the condom came off. So the rules below might change if you just don't give a shit and wanna get laid.
Moving on to apps! Before Tokyo they were a necessity to me overseas and in the inaka. I have had experiecne worth talking about for ages but only really after moving to Tokyo do I feel like the playing field is level and my results are worth talking about/sharing. I feel like when it comes to PUA apps aren't given a fair shake and while many criticisms of them I have read are valid, it seems silly to throw out the baby with the bathwater. Yes they can cost a little and can be time consuming, but you can make them fit your schedule and use them to be a bit more picky about who you meet.
The fact is apps have a place in dating in current year and using apps alone I quickly got to the point in Tokyo where I was having ridiculous weeks meeting 4/5 new women, closing with at least one and my only limiting factors were time, money and energy. Frankly, that was more than enough for me and I have sinced toned it down to put more emphasis on other areas of my life.
There are counterexamples even in my own experience to everything I write here, but in general the following should work more often than not.
This post is for:
- Western men living in Japan or moving to Japan soon who are interested in the apps around and how to get the most of them.
The Basics (As I see them)
- Economics of the dating marketplace apply and in Tokyo and Osaka women have plenty of men, not to mention work competing for their time. Dating requires effort.
- If you're too fat, research intermittant fasting and buy some dumbells.
- Invest in decent threads. Doesn't have to be brand shit. Consider swiping your look from a western celebrity. Get haircuts regularly.
- Facial hair will limit your audience to women who like facial hair (I estimate this at 30pc tops) so consider shaving for broader appeal
- Learn Japanese. This is not a must, and I can't speak for how things go when you can't as I haven't not been able to for over a decade. Plenty of women are there pretty much for foreigners and have their profiles either half or fully in English.
Your Profile
- Pictures are important. I typically work with about 3. Your face and body shape should be ascertainable. Look friendly (smile?) but don't do the open mouthed soyboy grin (I have no data to back that up, I just really hate it) I'm not sure what makes a good photo exactly out side of that, but I know it can be I would recommend against using Snow or some other gay app to change things or be cute or funny. I do know a decent picture can be the difference between 10 matches in a month and 100 in a week. Outside/doing stuff/travelling shots are recommended. Group shots discouraged. I am considering employing a professional one day, but haven't yet.
- Keep it short, simple, vague but intriguing. I keep mine to like 10 sentences max on most sites and like 4 max on not serious/charai apps like Tapple and Tinder (actually not even sentences, more like a list of specs sometimes). I tend to include that I am looking for something serious on the serious sites. I also include a line about WHY I am using the app, which for me is a generic "mostly men in my workplace and busy so it's hard to meet someone new". Ambition looks good too, so perhaps alluding to some lofty dream or plan. I have mentioned I came to Japan to pursue my "dream job" as an example and this has been mentioned by many matches as part of what caught their eye and they are curious about what exactly that job is.
- If your height is not part of your profile, write it down (Tinder). If you are short, then skip this or mention something else you know will appeal. But height is a biggy. I've watched girls skip over well off CEOs cause they were too short. Oof.
- Consider dropping money for premium memberships on top of paid. These usually come with extra likes anyway and the extra visibility can be helpful. Don't go bananas, you shouldn't need to.
Her Profile (What to look out for)
- Are you attracted to her picture/s? If she is hiding her face, assume it's not great. If she is with friends and you don't know which is her, assume it is the least attractive one. If her body is visible and decent, consider sending the like and getting the match but get a facial pic before meeting and accept no excuses. If she resists, quit.
- Does she have kids? Lots of single mothers online.
- Is her age in your range? Generally target your age +- 4 years or so.
- Is she smiling in her photos? This says a lot to me.
- Beware attention whores, e-thots - they usually put their instagram user id in their profile. These girls are looking for fans, not any kind of relationship. If you do proceed, basically ignore that part of the profile and be aware this usually denotes a big personality flaw/need for attention that could hurt you later on.
- Is she a total bitch? Seriously. Some women write the most arrogant demands or lists of no-gos in their profiles, or straight up write they are there for some rich handsome movie star despite their pic being maybe a 6/10 at best. Sometimes it's a test to filter out wusses, but I feel often they genuinely are that deluded. I dodge these ones.
- I don't care if you think she's your freaking soulmate, if she's got more than 500 likes already then don't even bother. I typically aim for girls with 200 or less likes.
- Many apps show lists of visitors to your profile. Target your likes to the ones in that group that are your type. You have a much higher chance of a match than with randoms that you search for.
- Target new users if the app lets you
Messaging
- Keep openers standard. Even though both our names are written, I usually start by giving my name and asking for hers. I open in English but suffix it with a sentence in Japanese that says she can can reply in either English or Japanese. Only on Tinder have I sarcastic replies like "can't you read?". I those cases I give one qualifier (e.g. "Lots of girls use fake names so I always ask" and if she doesn't shape up immediately I quit.
- Be polite. In Japanese use desu/masu.
- If she's messing with you or read you quit: ignore and stop messaging. You don't block unless she's mental and harrassing you or something. Delete if you don't wanna see her. Blocking burns the bridge and makes you look like a pussy tbh (opinion). I only mention this because I used to not quit and see where things would go but the answer was almost universally nowhere good and frankly being the one to quit early preserves some dignity and self-confidence which are invaluable in dealing with the ones who don't quit on. Reasons I usually quit for include but are not limited to:
- rude comments/a sense she is messing with me. These girls are either drunk or using the app just to kill time.
- rude communication -> e.g. "what's your job?" in response to "Hi, I'm The Greek, nice to meet you."
- excessive demands (wants to go somewhere expensive/wants you to pay more than your share)
- outright refusals/contradictions, a genuine lack of will to please on her part e.g. super slow (several day) replies, one word answers to questions etc
- Don't try to be funny. Just don't. I was the class clown back home and consider myself a funny in person. In person and with my friends through messages it works but it rarely goes well online with someone you don't know who doesn't know you. Save the humour for when you're in front of her in person. I keep messages dry.
- Barely touch on sexual matters, if at all. Occasionally you'll get the odd girl who will practically cybersex with you via messaging, but this isn't the goal. Those girls tend to not meet, or do meet and turn out to be way less attractive than their profile had you believing. Most sane girls stop replying when you push too far. If you do push, make sure you are messaging late at night. Otherwise, save it.
- I keep my messages short and to the point, the point being to meet her in person. So I start with a standard introduction and follow up with a few qualifying questions. If the conversations progresses, it's straight to the invitation.
- Invite solidly. Be specific about place, time and I usually give two possible dates. Don't go straight for weekends, for first dates pick days she is less likely to be busy on. Weekdays etc. E.g. "I know a good fried chicken place. Let's meet at Wakaranai Station at 19:00 and have a drink there. I can do Wednesday or Thursday."
- Don't use more exclamation marks or emojis than she does.
- Reply at random intervals or if things are consistent then no sooner than she does. If she takes 5 mins to reply, you take 6. If she takes an hour, wait an hour. Sometimes this can escalate until it just gets longer and longer and the conversation stops. Reply fast sometimes and late others. Cut communications off at midnight and try not to be the one left hanging. Mix it up. Whatever you do, do not instantly reply all the time and also do not leave things more than 24 hours if you are interested in the girl.
- Take rests when it's not going well and you become resentful. Getting few matches/likes, a string of nasty communications or stood up dates can get to you. Do not let any resentment seep into communications with other women. You can get into viscious cycles here. Take a break, focus on work/exercise/hobbies until you feel better and then go back to it.
- If she demands expensive steak for the first date, wtf are you even doing just stop replying to her at that point. If you're keen then maybe allude she might get it later but yeah. It's a poor sign.
- Once you have your date set, stop communicating. If you set it more than two days in advance, run flake defense and confirm a day or two before the date. If she doesn't reply, make other plans. Keep the emphasis on meeting.
Dates:
- If she dotakyans (cancels suddenly or worse stands you up), it's a GG. Unless she offers a solid reschedule together with the cancellation, it's over. Delete and move on. Accept no excuses here for the first/second date. Don't be a dick, if she says she's sick wish her a speedy recovery. But tbh you can probably give up on her at this point.
- Make an effort in your appearance. Dress well, get that haircut etc.
- Know where you are going in general. Have at least the first place picked.
- Like with messaging, be willing to walk out anytime. If it's not going well, bail. If her photo was a lie and she's not your type, have a drink and quit cause you're tired from work or whatever. Make something up. Avoid expensive restaurants and events that are going to take a long time. You wanna be able to ditch anytime so you don't have to put up with anymore shit than you need to.
- Keep venue casual and cheap at first. Calibre of woman doesn't matter. Don't make excuses. Just take her straight to the cheap izakaya like its the most natural thing in the world.
- Drinkers > non-drinkers. Non-drinkers tend to be more uptight and naive in my experience. This is just a preference rather than a deciding factor.
- Bounce between locations. 2 or 3 at least. Have a plan. Use bounces to quit if you feel like it isnt going well.
- Don't ask just do. This being the alpha shit works great. She still has half a drink left? Fuck it, you wanna bounce so call for the check and just leave. She'll follow.
- In general try to keep the interaction on your terms and don't be too eager to please.
- Limit the date length. Don't overdo it and screw the tension. Maybe keep some secrets "I'll tell you next time we meet".
- On the opposite extreme, not everything is a secret/joke. Answer every question with a riddle and she'll suspect you have something to hide and won't meet you again.
- I do not attempt escalation beyond light touching on the first date, maybe a kiss if I think it was going well. That's not to say I havent't slept with women on the first date, but that's not the rule for me. I play it conservatively here.
- Mirror and modulate your body language between keen and "impress me"
- In general the idea of the date is for her to impress you. If she seems to not give enough of a shit to do that, you're gonna have a bad time.
- Ask questions through assumptions. Sometimes you get your assumption right and build a quick connection.
After Dates:
- Follow-up communication saying you enjoyed it no later than the next day.
- Invite her out again quite soon. Leave it too long and she'll move on.
- Second date have a plan to escalate to sex, be it going back to your place or to a hotel. If I haven't slept with a girl by the end of the third date I move on or at least put her down to revisit in a few months. Note sometimes communication and dates can be months apart.
- I've had dates go amazingly only to be straight up blocked after the first encounter. Maybe I didn't push the interaction enough, maybe she was a good actress, who the hell knows? This can still be a shock and a disappointment today. I think sometimes she just finds a better deal and you get cut from the roster. Be prepared to move on.
On Rejection
Do not take it personally. In general, it's not your fault. Remember even after several dates, she doesn't really know you. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes she just isn't motivated/interest/something horrible happens/ work is busy. Whatever. Just be clinical about it, think what (if anything) you could do better next time and move on. Big urban centres in Japan are great cause there's nigh unlimited fish in the sea.
App Specifics
Keep in mind the situation is fluid and apps change their rules and prices and benefits etc. One example is Omiai used to give you a whole bunch of free likes if you tried to quit, but they stopped that cause people like me got wise and would sign up then immediately attempt to quit to get the likes etc. Their rules, systems prices and features all effect the dating marketplace. I typically use them for a month or two then quit completely and rest or move on so If I go back then that lets me take advantage of newbie bonus visibility and likes. In general apps that give you lots of likes to send just mean some girls get thousands of likes (Tapple/Tinder) and have zero motivation to talk. The ones that charge for likes etc have more balanced economies and I find I get more matches/dates on those. But I've found beautiful women that I had medium to long term relationships with on even Tinder (which is the worst of all), so I don't write the less serious apps off completely.
I find many give you visibility boosts when you take a rest. I've had bad runs, then quit (not opened the app) for a week or two to sulk and gone back to find lots of messages and likes had come so maybe keep that in mind too.
- Omiai
- Serious. Gives you a lot of likes which means a lot of them will be ignored. Skews older (25yrs+). Women tend to be chattier once you match here. Has gone downhill lately but I haven't used it for months. Perhaps less genuine than other serious apps.
- Tapple
- Not serious. You get a lot of likes which means most are meaningless. Newbie bonus is essential here. Target the "new members" section, as girls quickly rack up ridiculous like counts and you'll get buried otherwise. A match can be meaningless as many don't reply. Lots of girls use this one to just kill time and waste yours.
- With.is
- Serious. Skews younger. Nicely balanced marketplace. Make sure to do the event of the month so you can send your 10 free likes a day. Recommended. People running it seem to be genunine about having a good product rather than extracting money from you.
- Pairs
- Serious. Lots of girls looking for foreigners here. Skews older. Make sure to join/search in communities related to foreigners and English. Perhaps join a community related to your home country. Not a rip off. Recommended right now.
- Non-dating apps
- Not specifically a dating apps, but anything "international" that involves both sexes can be absolutely used for that. The rules change here slightly too, but are still similar. Basically, maintain the pretense of looking for language exchange in your profile but don't be explicit about it in your messages and treat real meetings with girls like dates. If you try to escalate and she was some KY (naive dummy) that refuses you strongly cause she was meeting you "just for English" then act surprised and cut your losses and move on. Can make some friends here too.
- Tinder
- My god is this fucked but seems better than before. Lots of girls looking for just friendships, language exchange, lots just killing time, ladyboys, scams and hookers etc. I hate this app so much, and yet I picked it up last week for the first time in months and have 3 dates organised from it already. So be aware, don't just like everyone and screw up your ELO and don't take any shit. Tinder girls are the worst, but every now and then there's a keeper and it can be worth it to find her. I want so badly to discount this app altogether but previous successes prevent me from doing so.
- Bumble
- Got matches but never met anyone from here. I don't think it's used much. Feel free to correct me on this.
- CrossMe
- Got matches but never managed to meet anyone. Not well used.
- Ravit Enmusubi(?)
- Got matches but never managed to meet anyone. Not well used?
- Zekushi
- Got matches but never managed to meet anyone. Not well used.
I don't use point based apps like YYC or HappyMail. They all seem to be just advertising spaces for hookers/scams and frankly just the monetisation urks me (freaking losing points for every link you click on, ridiculous). Maybe there is success to be found here but it's largely unexplored territory for me. I'm also a cheapskate.
Extras
Girls egos are more fragile than men's. Not enough attention and they get pissy and block you for nothing. Too much and they get demanding or bored and lose interest. No general advice here other than to modulate interest and not beat yourself up too much if it doesn't go well. This varies a lot.
Finally, don't be too thirsty. Have standards. Don't put up with shit and don't bother giving it back. It's not worth it and has seldom lead anywhere good for me.
Experimentation
- Profile Contents: I once purposefully wrote an unpleasant bio on Tapple that I was the jealous type (束縛がはげしい） and that my controlling behaviour had driven away my previous girlfriend. This was a lie, I'm so not jealous usually that I have to remember to be when it's appropriate less I get cucked. Nevertheless, this resulted in a decent influx of matches and messages from masochistic women and led to one short term relationship with a quite attractive woman. This approach does NOT go well on the more serious apps like Pairs, Omiai etc. Sometimes writing some demented shit works and can get you interested demented attention, if you're keen for that kind of thing.
I generally use one app at a time and have never dropped more than 1万 in a month on any given app. This includes paid memership/buying likes.
I think that's about it for now. I will edit this over time. Happy for comments/discussion. Cheers.
Edit 9/30 16:44 - Elaborated on drinkers nondrinkers, mistake fix
Edit 9/30 16:01 - Minor mistake corrections, slight swearing reduction, extra background
Background
Just some background on me before I get started: I am from an English-speaking country, light-skinned, fluent in Japanese, was involved in the Japanese community moderately back home and have been in Japan for 5 years but Tokyo for only just over 1 year. I am tall, solid, not fat or fit. I stopped counting my notches once they reached the 30s some 6 or 7 years ago and I started forgetting experiences, names etc. Most of my experience has been with Japanese women, back home and here. And most of my meetings have been through apps. My target age range has skewed older than myself but ranges from 8 years younger than me to 12 years older.
My "formal(?)" PUA training consists of having read Sinapse's book and Roosh V's Game. I read both of those first just over a year ago, so quite recently. While I agree with neither fully, both are great resources that I can recommend based on the fact the information provided in them aligned with my own experiences and I was able to put the new advice in both to good use.
I'm arrogant enough to think what I say has value because I have put my experience and knowledge to use helping out several friends and it has worked out well for them. I hope this helps you save some time/energy too.
I'm also a fussy bastard and slowing down these days because my standards have gotten higher with time. The current rule is I won't screw anyone I would be unhappy to get pregnant. This came about after a rather sobering encounter a few years ago where I dropped my standards after a dry stint and the condom came off. So the rules below might change if you just don't give a shit and wanna get laid.
Moving on to apps! Before Tokyo they were a necessity to me overseas and in the inaka. I have had experiecne worth talking about for ages but only really after moving to Tokyo do I feel like the playing field is level and my results are worth talking about/sharing. I feel like when it comes to PUA apps aren't given a fair shake and while many criticisms of them I have read are valid, it seems silly to throw out the baby with the bathwater. Yes they can cost a little and can be time consuming, but you can make them fit your schedule and use them to be a bit more picky about who you meet.
The fact is apps have a place in dating in current year and using apps alone I quickly got to the point in Tokyo where I was having ridiculous weeks meeting 4/5 new women, closing with at least one and my only limiting factors were time, money and energy. Frankly, that was more than enough for me and I have sinced toned it down to put more emphasis on other areas of my life.
There are counterexamples even in my own experience to everything I write here, but in general the following should work more often than not.
This post is for:
- Western men living in Japan or moving to Japan soon who are interested in the apps around and how to get the most of them.
The Basics (As I see them)
- Economics of the dating marketplace apply and in Tokyo and Osaka women have plenty of men, not to mention work competing for their time. Dating requires effort.
- If you're too fat, research intermittant fasting and buy some dumbells.
- Invest in decent threads. Doesn't have to be brand shit. Consider swiping your look from a western celebrity. Get haircuts regularly.
- Facial hair will limit your audience to women who like facial hair (I estimate this at 30pc tops) so consider shaving for broader appeal
- Learn Japanese. This is not a must, and I can't speak for how things go when you can't as I haven't not been able to for over a decade. Plenty of women are there pretty much for foreigners and have their profiles either half or fully in English.
Your Profile
- Pictures are important. I typically work with about 3. Your face and body shape should be ascertainable. Look friendly (smile?) but don't do the open mouthed soyboy grin (I have no data to back that up, I just really hate it) I'm not sure what makes a good photo exactly out side of that, but I know it can be I would recommend against using Snow or some other gay app to change things or be cute or funny. I do know a decent picture can be the difference between 10 matches in a month and 100 in a week. Outside/doing stuff/travelling shots are recommended. Group shots discouraged. I am considering employing a professional one day, but haven't yet.
- Keep it short, simple, vague but intriguing. I keep mine to like 10 sentences max on most sites and like 4 max on not serious/charai apps like Tapple and Tinder (actually not even sentences, more like a list of specs sometimes). I tend to include that I am looking for something serious on the serious sites. I also include a line about WHY I am using the app, which for me is a generic "mostly men in my workplace and busy so it's hard to meet someone new". Ambition looks good too, so perhaps alluding to some lofty dream or plan. I have mentioned I came to Japan to pursue my "dream job" as an example and this has been mentioned by many matches as part of what caught their eye and they are curious about what exactly that job is.
- If your height is not part of your profile, write it down (Tinder). If you are short, then skip this or mention something else you know will appeal. But height is a biggy. I've watched girls skip over well off CEOs cause they were too short. Oof.
- Consider dropping money for premium memberships on top of paid. These usually come with extra likes anyway and the extra visibility can be helpful. Don't go bananas, you shouldn't need to.
Her Profile (What to look out for)
- Are you attracted to her picture/s? If she is hiding her face, assume it's not great. If she is with friends and you don't know which is her, assume it is the least attractive one. If her body is visible and decent, consider sending the like and getting the match but get a facial pic before meeting and accept no excuses. If she resists, quit.
- Does she have kids? Lots of single mothers online.
- Is her age in your range? Generally target your age +- 4 years or so.
- Is she smiling in her photos? This says a lot to me.
- Beware attention whores, e-thots - they usually put their instagram user id in their profile. These girls are looking for fans, not any kind of relationship. If you do proceed, basically ignore that part of the profile and be aware this usually denotes a big personality flaw/need for attention that could hurt you later on.
- Is she a total bitch? Seriously. Some women write the most arrogant demands or lists of no-gos in their profiles, or straight up write they are there for some rich handsome movie star despite their pic being maybe a 6/10 at best. Sometimes it's a test to filter out wusses, but I feel often they genuinely are that deluded. I dodge these ones.
- I don't care if you think she's your freaking soulmate, if she's got more than 500 likes already then don't even bother. I typically aim for girls with 200 or less likes.
- Many apps show lists of visitors to your profile. Target your likes to the ones in that group that are your type. You have a much higher chance of a match than with randoms that you search for.
- Target new users if the app lets you
Messaging
- Keep openers standard. Even though both our names are written, I usually start by giving my name and asking for hers. I open in English but suffix it with a sentence in Japanese that says she can can reply in either English or Japanese. Only on Tinder have I sarcastic replies like "can't you read?". I those cases I give one qualifier (e.g. "Lots of girls use fake names so I always ask" and if she doesn't shape up immediately I quit.
- Be polite. In Japanese use desu/masu.
- If she's messing with you or read you quit: ignore and stop messaging. You don't block unless she's mental and harrassing you or something. Delete if you don't wanna see her. Blocking burns the bridge and makes you look like a pussy tbh (opinion). I only mention this because I used to not quit and see where things would go but the answer was almost universally nowhere good and frankly being the one to quit early preserves some dignity and self-confidence which are invaluable in dealing with the ones who don't quit on. Reasons I usually quit for include but are not limited to:
- rude comments/a sense she is messing with me. These girls are either drunk or using the app just to kill time.
- rude communication -> e.g. "what's your job?" in response to "Hi, I'm The Greek, nice to meet you."
- excessive demands (wants to go somewhere expensive/wants you to pay more than your share)
- outright refusals/contradictions, a genuine lack of will to please on her part e.g. super slow (several day) replies, one word answers to questions etc
- Don't try to be funny. Just don't. I was the class clown back home and consider myself a funny in person. In person and with my friends through messages it works but it rarely goes well online with someone you don't know who doesn't know you. Save the humour for when you're in front of her in person. I keep messages dry.
- Barely touch on sexual matters, if at all. Occasionally you'll get the odd girl who will practically cybersex with you via messaging, but this isn't the goal. Those girls tend to not meet, or do meet and turn out to be way less attractive than their profile had you believing. Most sane girls stop replying when you push too far. If you do push, make sure you are messaging late at night. Otherwise, save it.
- I keep my messages short and to the point, the point being to meet her in person. So I start with a standard introduction and follow up with a few qualifying questions. If the conversations progresses, it's straight to the invitation.
- Invite solidly. Be specific about place, time and I usually give two possible dates. Don't go straight for weekends, for first dates pick days she is less likely to be busy on. Weekdays etc. E.g. "I know a good fried chicken place. Let's meet at Wakaranai Station at 19:00 and have a drink there. I can do Wednesday or Thursday."
- Don't use more exclamation marks or emojis than she does.
- Reply at random intervals or if things are consistent then no sooner than she does. If she takes 5 mins to reply, you take 6. If she takes an hour, wait an hour. Sometimes this can escalate until it just gets longer and longer and the conversation stops. Reply fast sometimes and late others. Cut communications off at midnight and try not to be the one left hanging. Mix it up. Whatever you do, do not instantly reply all the time and also do not leave things more than 24 hours if you are interested in the girl.
- Take rests when it's not going well and you become resentful. Getting few matches/likes, a string of nasty communications or stood up dates can get to you. Do not let any resentment seep into communications with other women. You can get into viscious cycles here. Take a break, focus on work/exercise/hobbies until you feel better and then go back to it.
- If she demands expensive steak for the first date, wtf are you even doing just stop replying to her at that point. If you're keen then maybe allude she might get it later but yeah. It's a poor sign.
- Once you have your date set, stop communicating. If you set it more than two days in advance, run flake defense and confirm a day or two before the date. If she doesn't reply, make other plans. Keep the emphasis on meeting.
Dates:
- If she dotakyans (cancels suddenly or worse stands you up), it's a GG. Unless she offers a solid reschedule together with the cancellation, it's over. Delete and move on. Accept no excuses here for the first/second date. Don't be a dick, if she says she's sick wish her a speedy recovery. But tbh you can probably give up on her at this point.
- Make an effort in your appearance. Dress well, get that haircut etc.
- Know where you are going in general. Have at least the first place picked.
- Like with messaging, be willing to walk out anytime. If it's not going well, bail. If her photo was a lie and she's not your type, have a drink and quit cause you're tired from work or whatever. Make something up. Avoid expensive restaurants and events that are going to take a long time. You wanna be able to ditch anytime so you don't have to put up with anymore shit than you need to.
- Keep venue casual and cheap at first. Calibre of woman doesn't matter. Don't make excuses. Just take her straight to the cheap izakaya like its the most natural thing in the world.
- Drinkers > non-drinkers. Non-drinkers tend to be more uptight and naive in my experience. This is just a preference rather than a deciding factor.
- Bounce between locations. 2 or 3 at least. Have a plan. Use bounces to quit if you feel like it isnt going well.
- Don't ask just do. This being the alpha shit works great. She still has half a drink left? Fuck it, you wanna bounce so call for the check and just leave. She'll follow.
- In general try to keep the interaction on your terms and don't be too eager to please.
- Limit the date length. Don't overdo it and screw the tension. Maybe keep some secrets "I'll tell you next time we meet".
- On the opposite extreme, not everything is a secret/joke. Answer every question with a riddle and she'll suspect you have something to hide and won't meet you again.
- I do not attempt escalation beyond light touching on the first date, maybe a kiss if I think it was going well. That's not to say I havent't slept with women on the first date, but that's not the rule for me. I play it conservatively here.
- Mirror and modulate your body language between keen and "impress me"
- In general the idea of the date is for her to impress you. If she seems to not give enough of a shit to do that, you're gonna have a bad time.
- Ask questions through assumptions. Sometimes you get your assumption right and build a quick connection.
After Dates:
- Follow-up communication saying you enjoyed it no later than the next day.
- Invite her out again quite soon. Leave it too long and she'll move on.
- Second date have a plan to escalate to sex, be it going back to your place or to a hotel. If I haven't slept with a girl by the end of the third date I move on or at least put her down to revisit in a few months. Note sometimes communication and dates can be months apart.
- I've had dates go amazingly only to be straight up blocked after the first encounter. Maybe I didn't push the interaction enough, maybe she was a good actress, who the hell knows? This can still be a shock and a disappointment today. I think sometimes she just finds a better deal and you get cut from the roster. Be prepared to move on.
On Rejection
Do not take it personally. In general, it's not your fault. Remember even after several dates, she doesn't really know you. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes she just isn't motivated/interest/something horrible happens/ work is busy. Whatever. Just be clinical about it, think what (if anything) you could do better next time and move on. Big urban centres in Japan are great cause there's nigh unlimited fish in the sea.
App Specifics
Keep in mind the situation is fluid and apps change their rules and prices and benefits etc. One example is Omiai used to give you a whole bunch of free likes if you tried to quit, but they stopped that cause people like me got wise and would sign up then immediately attempt to quit to get the likes etc. Their rules, systems prices and features all effect the dating marketplace. I typically use them for a month or two then quit completely and rest or move on so If I go back then that lets me take advantage of newbie bonus visibility and likes. In general apps that give you lots of likes to send just mean some girls get thousands of likes (Tapple/Tinder) and have zero motivation to talk. The ones that charge for likes etc have more balanced economies and I find I get more matches/dates on those. But I've found beautiful women that I had medium to long term relationships with on even Tinder (which is the worst of all), so I don't write the less serious apps off completely.
I find many give you visibility boosts when you take a rest. I've had bad runs, then quit (not opened the app) for a week or two to sulk and gone back to find lots of messages and likes had come so maybe keep that in mind too.
- Omiai
- Serious. Gives you a lot of likes which means a lot of them will be ignored. Skews older (25yrs+). Women tend to be chattier once you match here. Has gone downhill lately but I haven't used it for months. Perhaps less genuine than other serious apps.
- Tapple
- Not serious. You get a lot of likes which means most are meaningless. Newbie bonus is essential here. Target the "new members" section, as girls quickly rack up ridiculous like counts and you'll get buried otherwise. A match can be meaningless as many don't reply. Lots of girls use this one to just kill time and waste yours.
- With.is
- Serious. Skews younger. Nicely balanced marketplace. Make sure to do the event of the month so you can send your 10 free likes a day. Recommended. People running it seem to be genunine about having a good product rather than extracting money from you.
- Pairs
- Serious. Lots of girls looking for foreigners here. Skews older. Make sure to join/search in communities related to foreigners and English. Perhaps join a community related to your home country. Not a rip off. Recommended right now.
- Non-dating apps
- Not specifically a dating apps, but anything "international" that involves both sexes can be absolutely used for that. The rules change here slightly too, but are still similar. Basically, maintain the pretense of looking for language exchange in your profile but don't be explicit about it in your messages and treat real meetings with girls like dates. If you try to escalate and she was some KY (naive dummy) that refuses you strongly cause she was meeting you "just for English" then act surprised and cut your losses and move on. Can make some friends here too.
- Tinder
- My god is this fucked but seems better than before. Lots of girls looking for just friendships, language exchange, lots just killing time, ladyboys, scams and hookers etc. I hate this app so much, and yet I picked it up last week for the first time in months and have 3 dates organised from it already. So be aware, don't just like everyone and screw up your ELO and don't take any shit. Tinder girls are the worst, but every now and then there's a keeper and it can be worth it to find her. I want so badly to discount this app altogether but previous successes prevent me from doing so.
- Bumble
- Got matches but never met anyone from here. I don't think it's used much. Feel free to correct me on this.
- CrossMe
- Got matches but never managed to meet anyone. Not well used.
- Ravit Enmusubi(?)
- Got matches but never managed to meet anyone. Not well used?
- Zekushi
- Got matches but never managed to meet anyone. Not well used.
I don't use point based apps like YYC or HappyMail. They all seem to be just advertising spaces for hookers/scams and frankly just the monetisation urks me (freaking losing points for every link you click on, ridiculous). Maybe there is success to be found here but it's largely unexplored territory for me. I'm also a cheapskate.
Extras
Girls egos are more fragile than men's. Not enough attention and they get pissy and block you for nothing. Too much and they get demanding or bored and lose interest. No general advice here other than to modulate interest and not beat yourself up too much if it doesn't go well. This varies a lot.
Finally, don't be too thirsty. Have standards. Don't put up with shit and don't bother giving it back. It's not worth it and has seldom lead anywhere good for me.
Experimentation
- Profile Contents: I once purposefully wrote an unpleasant bio on Tapple that I was the jealous type (束縛がはげしい） and that my controlling behaviour had driven away my previous girlfriend. This was a lie, I'm so not jealous usually that I have to remember to be when it's appropriate less I get cucked. Nevertheless, this resulted in a decent influx of matches and messages from masochistic women and led to one short term relationship with a quite attractive woman. This approach does NOT go well on the more serious apps like Pairs, Omiai etc. Sometimes writing some demented shit works and can get you interested demented attention, if you're keen for that kind of thing.
I generally use one app at a time and have never dropped more than 1万 in a month on any given app. This includes paid memership/buying likes.
I think that's about it for now. I will edit this over time. Happy for comments/discussion. Cheers.
Edit 9/30 16:44 - Elaborated on drinkers nondrinkers, mistake fix
Edit 9/30 16:01 - Minor mistake corrections, slight swearing reduction, extra background
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