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Dating or Marrying An Escort or Sex Worker - A Second Look

@BB0523 and @Sudsy, the stories of specific relationships with sex workers that you described above seem to me to agree with the general observation from my post quoted above. The problems you encountered were either not associated with or not at all unique to the fact that the woman in question was a sex worker. Would you agree?

Correct. I had honestly considered quitting my day job and going into night work (bartending/bouncing) again to spend more time with her, but that would have been taking a huge personal step backwards in my own development... I spent a lot of time getting OUT of that groove.

On the schedule issue you mention @Sudsy, I have been in serious relationships with four women (including two nurses) whose schedules were as bad worse and far less flexible than those of any sex worker I've known.

Nurse schedules are absolutely insane, a dear friend of mine is a nurse, and despite being a beautiful, intelligent and funny woman, she's been single for her entire adult life. No guy has ever been able to tolerate the schedule for more than a few weeks, she's stuck in a long cycle of short term dating.
 
Nurse schedules are absolutely insane, a dear friend of mine is a nurse, and despite being a beautiful, intelligent and funny woman, she's been single for her entire adult life. No guy has ever been able to tolerate the schedule for more than a few weeks, she's stuck in a long cycle of short term dating.

Fortunately they get paid handsomely to compensate the crazy schedules and demanding job. Wait... :eek::oops:
 
Fortunately they get paid handsomely to compensate the crazy schedules and demanding job. Wait... :eek::oops:

The only lady I know who gets paid handsomely while wearing a nurse's uniform is working at an establishment up in Omiya these days....
 
The only lady I know who gets paid handsomely while wearing a nurse's uniform is working at an establishment up in Omiya these days....

I am guessing her schedule is better and also nobody dies on her during her shift. Not the big death anyway.

Girls there do look good but (un?)fortunately I have been pretty much cured from the nurse fetish after meeting too many of them.
 
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Correct. I had honestly considered quitting my day job and going into night work (bartending/bouncing) again to spend more time with her, but that would have been taking a huge personal step backwards in my own development... I spent a lot of time getting OUT of that groove.
She could have done the same for you though. Many shops are open during the daytime so she could have changed shifts (i guess it would have costed her regulars and maybe less potential to earn money) or she could work less days a week (many shops would allow it).

Sometimes you have to sacrifice some great potential earnings to be with the people you love.

People often feel so entitled to my scedule but i dont put work over friend and study.
 
I think this is an excellent topic honestly. When I first dove into the forums here a year ago I didn't really know what I was getting into when it came to this sort of stuff and how the work/relationship dynamic typically functioned in the scene.

I quickly realized that there's no perfect way and nobody enters into the scene with the exact same mentality when it comes to how a client / provider relationship should function. I'm extremely lucky to have met the amazing professional providers I've met so far and each one of them has been intelligent, fun to talk to and great people in general.

As for dating in this scene, I'd never rule out dating someone who was a sex worker because I partake in it and I know what the typical client/provider relationship is like and I'm completely comfortable with it. I would say that all of the people here I could see myself being friends with outside of the trade (I'm actually friends with one person but I'm not going to say who for the sake of privacy) and I'm glad I've made these really nice and genuine connections here.

I do agree that the support network for providers must be tough since it's hard to be open about this, but thats why these forums are so great, it's a perfect outlet for everyone to express themselves, vent their frustrations and have a good laugh about what we all do here.

Excited for another trip coming up, and I hope to make some more connections, have good sessions & potentially make more friends along the way!

Cheers.
 
when the money dried up, so did the relationship

Money is a big factor in all pair bond relationships. In many cultures it is not uncommon for women to divorce men when the man can no longer earn enough to support her or the family. Lots of men get super uncomfortable if the woman earns more than them. Call it primitive if you like but thats the fact.

Aside from actual relationships, there are friendships to consider as well

Within relationships, friendships matter. As a couple, both members are going to be exposed to the other's circle of friends. While its not hard to come up with a cover story for the SW member of the couple, any cover story at all stands a chance of unraveling at the most unexpected moments.

This is simply insecurity.

Not so easy to brush off. Insecurity is a basic part of being human and a big factor in any pair bond relationship. Insecurity comes in so many varieties for both men and women.

I still meet people that are broken in this industry that feel like they can't build relationships with other people because of what they do for work or had done in the past.

As "advanced" as we all are, theres just some basic factor of human nature that acts of physical intimacy have deep and lasting effects on us. This is true as much outside of sex work as not. Possibly due to all the cultural issues around sex work, it might end up being more prevalent with sex workers. No idea if there is any valid research on this but but "just so" reasoning would indicate a strong possibility.

A great example of this one and the insecurity factor is often even without the sex work factor, when one partner in a pair bond has had much more sexual experience than the other, this can cause lots of insecurity and jealousy as well as feelings of "brokenness" or even being worthless on either partner. I've personally had to deal with this with some women I've dated since I'm always honest about the fact that I've had lots of various sex with women and some women really don't deal well with that over the long run. I've also spoken to men who can't deal with the fact that their girlfriend had lots of sexual experience before they met the man.

I guess to summarize, for either men or women, in my opinion trying to have a serious relationship with a former or current sex worker can certainly have its challenges for both partners.
 
I had a several year monogamous relationship with a DH girl, but she was only active for the first couple weeks. She quit the DH shop quickly, but she found it hard to start doing regular jobs with comparably low pay. Once she found a regular job she loved, things were smooth and there wasn’t any jealousy. If she kept doing DH, I wouldn’t have taken the relationship seriously.

I became something a little bit more than sex friends with another sex worker. She told me about a previous 3 year relationship she had where her BF was a scout/host/escort and she was doing DH throughout their relationship. When they broke up, they both revealed their careers to each other’s families, with disastrous results! Haha. As has been mentioned in other posts, when I spent time with her she seemed a bit lonely and lacked a complete support network. She also mentioned really enjoying sex work, but finding it to hard to let go and be completely satisfied when worrying about pleasing a customer.

When hanging out with sex workers in real life after I had originally met them as sex workers, I felt a bit awkward moving towards sexual relationships a surprisingly high percentage of the time. I expected it would’ve been easier than a regular date, because we had already hooked up, but it wasn’t.
 
Because of something that happened, i recently got reminded of an article i read once in a teens magazine when i was in highschool in my country...
This is a story that always stuck with me and that now probably haunts me more than ever.

It was an article about a girl who claimed her mother confessed to her that she was a prostitute. Mind you, this was completely legal to do for the mom, the father appearantly knew about it and did not mind it at all, and the father was a lawyer so they did not seem to need it to survive. From everything it sounded like the mother was doing it because she likes the job and the father was understanding and supportive and she didn't betray her husband. Yet the daughter who wrote/got interviewed for the article was furious and she claimed that she would never forgive her mother and that their good relationship was ruined forever...

Maybe it was just a first shock reaction or a teenage rebellion and maybe by now she is closer to her mother than ever... but its something that really hurts me.

Growing up, i was always sure i would be a mom later. Recently i'm not so sure. I do want kids eventually but things like this scare me. And what it will do to my body scares me as well. I want to do sex work as long as i enjoy it and don't want it to end because i have children. I believe its very easy to combinate with parenthood and a lot of Japanese SW are in fact single mothers.
Yet i'm worried my future children may get bullied or may push me away if they find out about it. And i'm worried about clients thinking negative things about my body after having a child.

I still have a few years to go before i'll decide to have kids or not, but i wanted to get this off my chest...
 
I guess to summarize, for either men or women, in my opinion trying to have a serious relationship with a former or current sex worker can certainly have its challenges for both partners.
Bottom line, everyone needs someone or should at least feel like there's someone out there that can look past the 'job' and support the person.
I'm a bit broken myself after meeting so many people that feel lost without friends or a good relationship of their own or with their own family.
(Yeah, don't worry, don't get any ideas, I hear and see these cases, but there's not much I can do, not my job.)

I only have time/space to support one person (aside from running TAG) and as long as she does her job safely, I'm fine with it.

Some would have a lesser view of me for being open & supportive, but I'm not here to please that crowd. :p
 
Because of something that happened, i recently got reminded of an article i read once in a the daughter who wrote/got interviewed for the article was furious and she claimed that she would never forgive her mother and that their good relationship was ruined forever...
Maybe it was just a first shock reaction or a teenage rebellion and maybe by now she is closer to her mother than ever... but its something that really hurts me.
I'm thinking because she got drilled into her head from a young age that SW was a dirty/bad/sinful thing - which I think happens often, especially in the more conservative and religious upbringings. some of my family seriously like using words synonymous with SW and prostitution as their go-to insult for other women. And 10 years ago, I would've reacted almost just as negatively as her in the same situation - but now I realize how silly that would be and wish I hadn't been fed lies as a child about SW.
I do think being completely open with kids about the SW right from the beginning and also having a good relationship with them would help in mitigating this. Of course, things like this and potential schoolyard bullying would also be minimized if the social stigma around SW improved.

And i'm worried about clients thinking negative things about my body after having a child.
I still have a few years to go before i'll decide to have kids or not, but i wanted to get this off my chest...
Just my opinion: Don't let the thoughts of others (or loss of some clients in the worst case) stop you from experiencing one of the most rewarding things in life (so I've heard anyway). At the end of the day (like on the deathbed), I doubt many Moms have much regrets about having their kids.
I'm sure people here with more life experience can make more helpful comments :)
Edit: rephrase
 
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everyone needs someone or should at least feel like there's someone out there that can look past the 'job' and support the person.

Sure. In theory, in a perfect world. But unfortunately life is tough and even the most loving people sometimes act cruelly. What complicates things even more is we as humans with functional minds can't help but judge ourselves to various degrees over what we've done in the past, even if we were OK with it at the time.

The whole "would she/he really love me if they knew, really knew that I <action> in the past?". Its not just sex that does this. <action> can be all sorta of stuff. I've got some stuff from decades ago that sometimes even today wakes me up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Seemed fine at the time. We can detach ourselves and rationalize all sorts of things. Sometimes those things are in fact fine but our minds play tricks on us and other people's minds play tricks on them.

Plus there the "what you do in life is who you are" factor. That really adds to the complications of pair bonding.

I only have time/space to support one person (aside from running TAG) and as long as she does her job safely, I'm fine with it.

Some would have a lesser view of me for being open supportive, but I'm not here to please that crowd.

Its good that you know yourself to this extent.
 
I'm thinking because she got drilled into her head from a young age that SW was a dirty/bad/sinful thing - which I think happens often, especially in the more conservative and religious upbringings. some of my family seriously like using words synonymous with SW and prostitution as their go-to insult for other women. And 10 years ago, I would've reacted almost just as negatively as her in the same situation - but now I realize how silly that would be and wish I hadn't been fed lies as a child about SW.
I do think being completely open with kids about the SW right from the beginning and also having a good relationship with them would help in mitigating this. Of course, things like this and potential schoolyard bullying would also be minimized if the social stigma around SW improved.


Just my opinion: Don't let the thoughts of others (or loss of some clients in the worst case) stop you from experiencing one of the most rewarding things in life (so I've heard anyway). At the end of the day (like on the deathbed), I doubt many Moms have much regrets about having their kids.
I'm sure people here with more life experience can make more helpful comments :)
Edit: rephrase
I would definitely not raise them hatefully, but i dont think i could be clear about this kind of work to my children when they are young. Mainly because they would mention it to other children and they would definitely get bullied.

It didn't make sense for the mother and the father in this story to raise their child SW negative, but it may be that her other relatives and her friends talked like that.
 
Mainly because they would mention it to other children and they would definitely get bullied.

In Western society, kids certainly don't understand sex, almost never sex between their parents. Adolescent humans almost doubly so and young adult humans? By the time we actually participate, what we don't know fills books. Hell, look at how many of us reach adulthood and after years of participation in sex, have trouble adjusting our minds to it.

but it may be that her other relatives and her friends talked like that.

Its hard to say, relatives, friends, the world at large? Who knows where the daughter got this idea. Maybe even the daughter simply resented that the intimacy she thought that her mother should reserve for her father was in fact shared with others. Do you know anyone whose mother remarried while they were still young and did perhaps that person resent the step father? Same principle.
 
In Western society, kids certainly don't understand sex, almost never sex between their parents. Adolescent humans almost doubly so and young adult humans? By the time we actually participate, what we don't know fills books. Hell, look at how many of us reach adulthood and after years of participation in sex, have trouble adjusting our minds to it.



Its hard to say, relatives, friends, the world at large? Who knows where the daughter got this idea. Maybe even the daughter simply resented that the intimacy she thought that her mother should reserve for her father was in fact shared with others. Do you know anyone whose mother remarried while they were still young and did perhaps that person resent the step father? Same principle.
I guess it works like that for some people, but hard to imagine for me.
The father knew it and had no problem with it.. so she never did him wrong.

I've never had any problems with my parents moving on with their life after their divorce but i know what you mean.

Yeah, i definitely wouldn't get into sexual details when the kids are young, but i could describe the keeping men company and cuddling parts, but i think it would be too weird if they said anything about that to other children.
 
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The father knew it and had no problem with it.. so she never did him wrong.

Thats what we're told anyway. There's other possibilities as well from the father having a cuckhold interest to him not being OK with it at all but just bottling it all up inside.

Anyway, as for yourself, I honestly have nothing useful to say, this is something that you'll have to negotiate when it happens and even then we never know how things work out with kids. All I can say is I do wish the best for your future on this.
 
I would definitely not raise them hatefully, but i dont think i could be clear about this kind of work to my children when they are young. Mainly because they would mention it to other children and they would definitely get bullied.
I still think the best thing to do would be to be completely open but give them information suitable for their age when they get curious and ask. If they're at the age where their peers might bully for something like that, I think they'd able to comprehend and be educated about what society thinks of SW-related things. IMO a good foundation from the parents should trump whatever they are exposed to from other relatives and friends - I think most of our first opinions came from indoctrination from parents at a young age and things built on that, while also being shaped by external environment too.

E.g A kid getting told "Eww your Mom used to cuddle old men and suck dick for money" would be less hurt (and more bewildered) if they didn't see such a thing as a dirty negative thing like the rest of society and understood this.
I guess they could be left out of social circles etc, but I think this might be getting a little far fetched - Anyway, so many things in life are out of our control usually including the opinions and actions of others.

In the case from the magazine you mentioned, I think the parents being more open and educating from early on would have resulted in a different reaction from her, but I also don't know the full story. I'm just hypothesizing. Like theScientist said, there could be many possibilities.
I know it hurts thinking of the possibility of your own child rejecting you or being bullied themselves because of your past SW, but still I think there would be a way around these things and fear of these things happening really shouldn't dissuade you! -again just my opinion :)
 
Interesting read, and I've got a bit to say on this, but the words don't seem to be flowing today. Maybe it's the cold.
Was going to try and write in general terms, but it difficult to get the message across without sounding condescending. So here is a mostly personal account.
And for you guys who talk about honesty and trust as being enough to get past the issue of a partner in the sex industry, believe me, it is way harder than you think it is.

I met s SW randomly (google found the shop). She came to my room, I was very drunk, but we seemed to have a connection.
Even though I don't remember, we must have exchanged line contacts cos she contacted me a few days later.
Over the next few months we got closer and closer, til the point where we were talking everyday and meeting up as often as possible. Generally overnights.
For the first time in a very long time, I was satisfied with what I had, and didn't stray at all. Even knocking back opportunities that came along in favor of this girl.

When we were together it was fantastic. Fun meals, lots of laughing, and great sex. And even when we were not together, she was always on my mind.

However that is the good part. But the down side is also huge, and it eventually became bigger than the satisfaction I was getting out of the relationship.
All of it stems from insecurity, which up to this point I was pretty secure in who I was.

Insecurity 1 is the idea, and excuse the bluntness, that at that very moment another guys dick was in this woman I cared about.
Insecurity 2, and this is because we met through her work, is that she could start up the same sort of relationship with another guy.
Insecurity 3 is that she is having sex with lots of guys, and compared to me, they may be better at at it.

These insecurities eventually overwhelmed the relationship, and I made fake excuses and ended it.

So for me personally, I don't think it is really possible to have deep and caring relationship with a SW. It just screws with your head too much.
 
I like this post. In my opinion I would date and even marry a female who was a sex worker but only if. Obe she is not working anymore two she won't bring her past to our future like meeting up with her clients or stuff like that. Also as a parent I personally would never support my child for sex working but I will never abandon it either =)