Friendship or something else?

[Chotto]

Hello everyone! so, that's my first post in the forum! maybe it could have been something more interesting and fun,cause this topic is purely about relationship..so hope to not to be boring. Anyway I think you all can give me the right advice and opinions. That's my story:
After my arrive here in Tokyo in April, with a Japanese level equal to 0, I immediately started to go to concerts/events, (because I'm a musician so I wanted to know new people with my same job). On one of those days I met a girl and really appreciated her music. So, after that in some ways I started to talk with her by chat and then asked to go somewhere together, and she accepted. As I said my japanese level was nothing, so conversation was difficult but anyway we started to met often and gradually I understood I really like her. Then after one month (like a stupid) I declared my feelings by a letter, but she refused me saying that she don't feel those type of feelings for me and "NOW, i can't correspond to these emotions".Yup she said "now". After this too much fast declaration anyway we still keept meet each other and after 7 months, we still go to eat together and do other things like that often,always making her laugh a lot.. and of course my feelings are became really strong. We met each other also on the last day of 2017, waiting for the midnight and going in a temple.
I'm very confused, sometimes I want to try again to confess my feelings but at the same time i have fear to lose her.. I asked to some Japanese friends ad all of them think that it's a good situation, the best think to do now is to start to give again little signals.. what do you think guys?her mind changed?
sorry for the long post, hope to have a good conversation

 

[ur19877]

Hello everyone! so, that's my first post in the forum! maybe it could have been something more interesting and fun,cause this topic is purely about relationship..so hope to not to be boring. Anyway I think you all can give me the right advice and opinions. That's my story:
After my arrive here in Tokyo in April, with a Japanese level equal to 0, I immediately started to go to concerts/events, (because I'm a musician so I wanted to know new people with my same job). On one of those days I met a girl and really appreciated her music. So, after that in some ways I started to talk with her by chat and then asked to go somewhere together, and she accepted. As I said my japanese level was nothing, so conversation was difficult but anyway we started to met often and gradually I understood I really like her. Then after one month (like a stupid) I declared my feelings by a letter, but she refused me saying that she don't feel those type of feelings for me and "NOW, i can't correspond to these emotions".Yup she said "now". After this too much fast declaration anyway we still keept meet each other and after 7 months, we still go to eat together and do other things like that often,always making her laugh a lot.. and of course my feelings are became really strong. We met each other also on the last day of 2017, waiting for the midnight and going in a temple.
I'm very confused, sometimes I want to try again to confess my feelings but at the same time i have fear to lose her.. I asked to some Japanese friends ad all of them think that it's a good situation, the best think to do now is to start to give again little signals.. what do you think guys?her mind changed?
sorry for the long post, hope to have a good conversation

this is one man's opinion....ignore it or take it...i am by no means a love doctor...

here we go..

At this point....I don't think you will be OK with just being her 'friend'. You may say so, but you want more than friendship, this is clear..Thus you will need to risk losing her, in order to win her over... be it now, or be it later...go for it... it is possible to get out of the perceived friend zone, and she appears to be giving good signs..so you have that going for you..

 

[Chotto]

That's absolutely correct, to act is the solution and I'm sure i want to do it. and of course yes, I want a relationship with her. The only thing that makes me worried is the possibility in which she think i don't like her anymore, like if I had accepted the situation as friends. she's a very honest and "simple" (in the good way of the term) person, i'm sure about that because now i've understood what kind of person she is, and because of that I've this kind of worry.. I mean, i always act like we are not friends, sometimes i make some present etc etc so i reaaaaly hope she don't had forgot my declaration.
So about to act, the problem is the way.. i think that if there's possibilities to succed the fact that she is the "i need time" type is a confirmation to use the little signals way.. probably the first time I failed (mainly because was too early) because of this, I mean the direct way... (and hey, I'm Italian, we likes direct ways lol)
yes as you can understand I'm doing a lot of overthinking

for example a thing that makes me worried but also happy, is that some days ago she said that i'm a "大事な友人" "important friend"..so actually don't know how to interpret this..I mean, we're friends now so..but you know, hurts lol

 

[MikeH]

I asked to some Japanese friends ad all of them think that it's a good situation

Sorry to be blunt but me thinks your friends are bunch of idiots.

She definitely likes to keep you around. As a friend and a backup. She now knows if she ever needs a boyfriend you will be happy to jump in to the chance. Meanwhile she is free to look for other options.

If you are looking for a very Japanese marriage of comfort then you should pursue this girl as she sounds genuinely nice. If you want to have a passionate romantic relationship then she is not the one.

 

[Chotto]

If you are looking for a very Japanese marriage of comfort then you should pursue this girl as she sounds genuinely nice. If you want to have a passionate romantic relationship then she is not the one.

yes of course, I really like her and i want to try yo have a relationship with her (lol i'm not thinking about marriage now) so I want to try again. but first would be cool to understand if there's presuppositions to succeed..I like her but of course if it's impossible i want to stop this "relationship", it's not good for my mood

 

[psd]

She obviously likes you and if she's going to a temple for new year with you then there's no one else. This idea of declaring your feeling by letter (email?) seems a bit full on to me; I think you need to read some PUA (pick up artist) stuff about kino (increasing touch) and seduction.

But on the other other hand, I always have several friends like this and some have converted some to lover after many years. Just don't get fixated and look for other girls.

 

[Chotto]

She obviously likes you and if she's going to a temple for new year with you then there's no one else. This idea of declaring your feeling by letter (email?) seems a bit full on to me; I think you need to read some PUA (pick up artist) stuff about kino (increasing touch) and seduction.

Nope, not email but a true letter wrote by hand, in Japanese... maybe I exaggerated? ...
oh thanks for that, didn't know! yes i totally need to read it!

 

[MikeH]

if she's going to a temple for new year with you then there's no one else.

I would beg to differ here. If that was the Christmas Eve then I might agree with you but the temple visit for new year can be just a friend thing. The other guy(s) could as well just have been visiting his parents.

 

[Chotto]

I would beg to differ here. If that was the Christmas Eve then I might agree with you but the temple visit for new year can be just a friend thing. The other guy(s) could as well just have been visiting his parents.

About that, the original program was to go to Kyoto together for the new year, but the ticket was too expensive so we changed idea. About Christmas, I invited her to go to eat together on that day, unfortunately she had work and the restaurant was already full of prenotation, so we choose to meet on 23 december..the day was not Christmas but basically was for that event

 

[psd]

I would beg to differ here. If that was the Christmas Eve then I might agree with you but the temple visit for new year can be just a friend thing. The other guy(s) could as well just have been visiting his parents.

yeah, you're right.

 

[MikeH]

the day was not Christmas but basically was for that event

Yeah, like they said in a TV drama when talking about players; the sub gets the 23rd. Christmas Eve, which was Sunday last year, is the day you spend with your chosen one.

I am not saying there is anything sinister there nor that she is a bad person. She is a Japanese girl and behaves like she is taught. It just looks to me she is not that in to you.

I'd say you need to come forward and tell her how you feel. If she doesn't feel the same way, and I am saying there is a big chance for that, you are not loosing anything, except your dream about something that was not there to begin with.

I am not trying to be an asshole (first time for me!) just saying you might have been trapped deep in to the Japanese friend-zone.

 

[User#8628]

I'd say you need to come forward and tell her how you feel. If she doesn't feel the same way, and I am saying there is a big chance for that, you are not loosing anything, except your dream about something that was not there to begin with.

It seems to me that he already said what he felt, she shut him down nicely and he is reading too much into it.

Be happy you have a friend with the same interests as you and dont try to get more. It IS a good situation in the sense that you can have fun together. She doesn't want sex with him i think, pretty clear.

She is indeed not being a bad person if she has another boyfriend because she never said to OP that she was into him or had sex with him. Not leading him on, there is nothing.

 

[MikeH]

It IS a good situation in the sense that you can have fun together.

I totally agree with all what you said. I read the situation very similarly.

Except that when one person wants more than there is that's not a good situation. It sounds to me that OP is not happy with "only" friendship and wants to be romantically involved with the girl in question.

And I wrote only in parenthesis because what he has now might be better than sex and all the complications with it. Might be a good idea to get laid somewhere else and then rethink this relationship.

As the old saying goes; before making a grand decisions about a girl masturbate three times. Then see if you still feel the same.

 

[User#8628]

And I wrote only in parenthesis because what he has now might be better than sex and all the complications with it. Might be a good idea to get laid somewhere else and then rethink this relationship.

I think this is definitely the best plan.

 

[Chotto]

Ok I'm full of anxiety now. Lol. I mean, i really really like her, only thinking about losing her makes me feel terrible bad feelings. Sometimes in the meanwhile of these 8 months with her I also met other girls sometimes, but was absolutely another thing..yes maybe good in the moment but comed back home i always started to think to her again. All this makes me very scared... i listened a story from a friend about he has been refused 7 times before is actual girlfriend say yes. So i thought maybe there's a possibility also for me..

 

[just4fun]

If you didn't sleep with her Xmas Eve......then ur not gonna be sleepin with her anytime soon

 

[MikeH]

i listened a story from a friend about he has been refused 7 times before is actual girlfriend say yes.

Is that still called an actual girlfriend or just a random victim of the Stockholm syndrome?

Yeah, I get it; you are head over heels for her. We all been there. Now get over it, she just is not that into you.

 

[Frenchy]

To be perfectly impartial and also because my time is precious yet want to be helpful, I decided to reply to this type of questions in titles without reading the stories.
So my totally unbiased answer is “Friendship”. Definitively friendship.

 

[Lukes]

I decided to reply to this type of questions in titles without reading the stories.
So my totally unbiased answer is “Friendship”. Definitively friendship.

Good answer. I would've picked "something else" just for kicks, lol.

To the actual topic though - I think the OP got himself stuck deep in the friend zone after that confession. It sounds like she doesn't have many friends and the OP just so happens to be kind of like a best friend type figure.

When you want to fuck friends you can't just rush in and expect it to work. You have to be underhanded and corrupt them over time into thinking that it would be okay to get with you despite being friends. Then at just the right moment, you capitalize.

 

[warubuta]

Next time you invite her over to your place ask her to pick up a large bottle of Johnny Walker, a box of condoms (Big BoyXL) and some baby oil on the way. If she shows up with the goods in hand, then everything is ok. If she doesnt show at all, then everything is ok. If she shows up without the goods, then don’t open the door and everything is ok.

 

[e-smile]

Hello everyone! so, that's my first post in the forum! maybe it could have been something more interesting and fun,cause this topic is purely about relationship..so hope to not to be boring. Anyway I think you all can give me the right advice and opinions. That's my story:
After my arrive here in Tokyo in April, with a Japanese level equal to 0, I immediately started to go to concerts/events, (because I'm a musician so I wanted to know new people with my same job). On one of those days I met a girl and really appreciated her music. So, after that in some ways I started to talk with her by chat and then asked to go somewhere together, and she accepted. As I said my japanese level was nothing, so conversation was difficult but anyway we started to met often and gradually I understood I really like her. Then after one month (like a stupid) I declared my feelings by a letter, but she refused me saying that she don't feel those type of feelings for me and "NOW, i can't correspond to these emotions".Yup she said "now". After this too much fast declaration anyway we still keept meet each other and after 7 months, we still go to eat together and do other things like that often,always making her laugh a lot.. and of course my feelings are became really strong. We met each other also on the last day of 2017, waiting for the midnight and going in a temple.
I'm very confused, sometimes I want to try again to confess my feelings but at the same time i have fear to lose her.. I asked to some Japanese friends ad all of them think that it's a good situation, the best think to do now is to start to give again little signals.. what do you think guys?her mind changed?
sorry for the long post, hope to have a good conversation

I only see this "confess" stuff in high school manga, I didn't think I'd read someone do it in real life even less a foreigner.
instead of confessing you should have waited for an opening to kiss her and let the situation evolve naturally.

 

[Frenchy]

I only see this "confess" stuff in high school manga, I didn't think I'd read someone do it in real life even less a foreigner.
instead of confessing you should have waited for an opening to kiss her and let the situation evolve naturally.

So you read high school mangas?!
I hope it’s at least the ones with a few sex scenes to spice things up !
(But not the «boys love » type... nothing against homosexuality in general but I find those too creepy)

 

[warubuta]

I only see this "confess" stuff in high school manga, I didn't think I'd read someone do it in real life even less a foreigner.
instead of confessing you should have waited for an opening to kiss her and let the situation evolve naturally.

This is so true. Confessing is for comics, Shakespeare and novices. She probably would be ok with being your sex partner and your friend. But she feels more comfortable right now just being your friend. You need to let her the have the illusion that she is not completely a willing partner in the sex. She needs to be able to tell herself that 'it just happened'. The classic way this is done in Japan is to gently lead her back to your apartment or to a love hotel woithout talking about where you are going. You can't say, "I love you so lets go to a hotel and fuck.'

 

[Frenchy]

"I love you so lets go to a hotel and fuck.'

Yeah... cause of course this approach works much better in other countries!

 

[e-smile]

So you read high school mangas?!
I hope it’s at least the ones with a few sex scenes to spice things up !
(But not the «boys love » type... nothing against homosexuality in general but I find those too creepy)

I read a few back in the days, I won't deny it.