Getting married with an Ex sexual Worker.

Discussion in 'General Topics - Life in Japan' started by justabrat, May 12, 2020.

  1. justabrat

    justabrat TAG Member

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    So as the title says, that is the subject of my first post.

    Honestly, im doing this because i don’t know with who talk about this and i suppose i can get a bit of advice here. Im a foreigner living here since three years ago, in the journey after dating, working and some adventures, i just met this beautiful girl who make look everything nice for me. After a While she proposed me to get married, in that way "I will not have a difficult visa process", i must say; i didn’t get married with her because it was the golden ticket, i truly love my wife but her past is quite the nightmare for me.

    After a few months we were looking some photos from her past and then one in the salon pop up, i got super shocked and then the true came out in a period of two months of discussions. She actually work around one week there when she was finishing the university, in this kind of soap lands, or more specific the JJ CLUB in Shibuya, she got 4 to 5 guys per day and Honestly i cannot deal with this, so it have been super difficult since then, also our first month was very difficult because we were dating other people, but she was with more than one guy and me just seeing 1 girl... so i don’t know. it got toxic in some way.

    I have been reading the forum since long time ago, to understand how it work the sexual work in Japan, i never went into any of the sexual services who they offer in Japan but im Very keen going to Bliss out for example, because in some way i think this kind of place could expand my perception about the multiple sexuality tendencies from the Japanese People, as far as i read theres couples who go there too.

    I cannot take this feeling out from me, like being scammed. Do you think guys, im being too judgemental ? sometimes i think maybe i should consume a few delivery girls, maybe in that way i could deal with this, forcing myself to feel guilty about something, but i don’t know... I think sometimes i didn’t explore this are from Japan before get married and its just my ego... Just once after a fight a hang out with a friend and we finish in the love hotel but i feel like shit after.

    How do you do to go into delivery girls? or into bliss out with couples? it is my reality lie a crap or im exaggerating ?

    Help :(
     
  2. Sudsy

    SudsySudsy is a Verified Member Forever blowing bubbles....

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  3. MikeH

    MikeHMikeH is a Verified Member Presumably Male

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    So your wife has slept with other guys before you met and you plan to get back by sleeping with other girls after you got married? Sounds pretty immature to me.
     
  4. Viggagadye

    Viggagadye TAG Member

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    How are we supposed to help? My opinion is, if you're that miserable, get a divorce. If you want to stay with her, then get over her past. Difficult perhaps, but what else can you do?
     
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  5. Danbo

    Danbo TAG Member

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    Yeah, like Mike said...sleeping around now to get back at her sounds like really shitty behavior that won't solve anything, makes things probably even more complicated.

    It's a tricky situation, that's for sure. I personally think a past like that in and on itself is not that much of a big deal...of course it's not a glamorous past, but if she has left it all behind it shouldn't be a deal breaker. What's more concerning is, that she was not honest about it before you married. Not being able to trust your partner is a huge problem, because you have no clue what else she didn't tell you. Are there more dark secrets, is she still not really upfront and so on....don't focus to much on her past, try to figure out if she is honest now and if you can trust her.
     
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  6. animal131

    animal131 TAG Member

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    JJ CLUB in Shibuya means she was banging dudes for money. The fact that she only did it for a week is actually a good thing, but it may not align with your moral compass, but who says being with a girl with a good moral compass means a successful marriage. Maybe she needed to sow her oats or maybe she was in a financial bind. You need to put your ego aside as its been said 1 out of 500 girls in Japan have done some kind of sex work. The biggest mistake you made was making her feel like a slut and that's the LAST thing you want to do any woman.

    The only person you are scamming is your self. Get over your self.. the idea that you are the only guy that banged your girl is archaic thinking. Personally, I wouldn't intentionally marry a soapland girl, but if I were to find out in the future she was...I would mitigate the situation and asked her how she feels about it and let her know and express my disappointment that she never told me. (that's just me)

    That fact that you want to counter this by banging a bunch of women in juvenile.
     
  7. MikeH

    MikeHMikeH is a Verified Member Presumably Male

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    I am pretty sure there are things he hasn't told her either. Especially if they got married after just a short dating. I would consider it dishonest only if he asked if she ever worked in p4p and she initially said no.

    But who cares anyway? You are not obligated to share everything even if you get married. For example I am not going to tell anyone that as a 11 year old I once masturbated with the tampons of the MILF from next door.

    Why should it matter if she has had sex with one, ten or hundred guys? And especially being in a forum dedicated to p4p I find it peculiar it being different if she took money or not.
     
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  8. MikeH

    MikeHMikeH is a Verified Member Presumably Male

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    If that is true then maybe it's his compass that needs re-calibrating, not her. Though we could blame her for doing it only for a week, that's quitting! You should stick to a new job at least for three months before you really know what it is like.

    But moreover we need a link to her profile in the shop. Who knows, maybe some of us have met her!
     
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  9. Joe2017

    Joe2017 Lost in translations

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    When a friend needs to talk I invite him/her over for a drink and try to help without judging. With this of the coronaviris we must skip the drink and friendship. At first glance it seems that you have two serious problems. The first, is you have fallen into a loop of compulsive anxiety, a type of depression due to the rejection to cop with a situation that your biased beliefs do not accept. The second problem is that you have no friends to talk to. I am seriously recommending you go to a good Conductive Psychologist to help you with both problems. What happens to you with your wife is not a bigger problem than a lack of trust that you need to rebuild with her. She clearly offered to get you a resident visa upon marriage and that is what you have got by now. If you really love her and you do believe she loves you, better you get rid of those demons that the chemistry of your brain is making grow. Don't pretend to solve your problems in places like Bliss Out, you will make them bigger. Go to a psychologist to put your irrational emotions in order and talk openly to your wife about how to reconstruct your relationship.
     
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  10. Acid Burn

    Acid Burn TAG Member

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    Is it the fact that she got paid for it bothering you or just that she banged a bunch of guys. The past is the past and that was all before your time with her. Why does she need to get punished for something she did before she even met you?

    Also, so your first month she dated other dudes while you only dated her. Big whoop. You know what that means? That means you beat out all the other dudes she was dating at the time. Why you gotta be bummed about that??
     
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  11. animal131

    animal131 TAG Member

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    Because he has a right to want what ever he wants in a mate.. Personally, I don't want to marry a girl who had sex with 1000 men.. just as some escorts would never marry or date a client. If you gang banged a girl with a bunch of guys and found out a year later she was marrying a family member. you would be cool with that? When it comes to marriage it is way better for her to tell him what she did than have it come out later.

    For Christ sakes why are men so beta these days.. literally they will do anything for pussy. Starting to see women with more balls these days.
     
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  12. animal131

    animal131 TAG Member

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    He is in Tokyo, not the easiest place to make deep friends.

    He viewed his wife one way and finds out information that damaged this perception. This is a rational and reasonable response. He is now conflicted.. but talking to a psychologist is hmm (I have mixed feeling on this) as many have agendas or may align with views he might not align with. I know a man who commit suicide because the marriage therapist side with the wife who was clinically borderline personality disorder.

    some of you guys are into wife swapping or cucking so getting advice here about your wife being a soapland queen here is pretty retarded. Totally bypassed if this guy has religious beliefs or any of his values.
     
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  13. Danbo

    Danbo TAG Member

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    Of course you will never find good advice online when it comes to relationships.....not in this forum, probably nowhere else because people give advice based on a few lines of text. But maybe it helps to reflect the whole situation to figure out what's really going on. Was the relationship perfect and unraveling this detail destroyed everything, or were there some deeper problems already in place and this was just the catalyst?
    It's easy to rant about her working at a soapland in the past being absolutely unacceptable, but I think if you are already married you can't just call it quits because there is a lot is on the line. Better for both sides to discuss this like adults and decide if this has a future or not...........instead heading out hiring escorts to make things "even".
     
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  14. Acid Burn

    Acid Burn TAG Member

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    If a psychiatrist is not a good fit, one should find a new one. Much care should be taken when searching for one. They are not a one size fits all deal.
    Is this advice directed to the OP or towards the forum members offering advice? His wife’s former job that’s bothering him was p4p after all so it does make some sense to ask advice here.
     
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  15. animal131

    animal131 TAG Member

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    I agree there is more information needed and the past was already created. But sometimes people say a cheater is always a cheater and with cognitive dissonance say "oh, the past is the past"

    but if some guy who "never" been with an escort and is the average 'nice guy' and all of a sudden he says, "hey what's this picture".. "Oh nothing I just worked at JJ soaplands." Yeah, there is going to be damage.. because men (specially young men" are not use to seeing cute girls do "naughty things" They have a term for this "Madonna-whore complex"

    The wife fucked up too. If my girlfriend was an escort she should tell me.. so she can see if I can accept her. Like me personally.. I would not married a woman that has been raped, because I've dated a woman that was raped and the baggage is something I do not want to deal with. Their was a guy that married this chick and made him wait for sex until marriage and after marriage sex was like opening up a pickle jar after washing your hands in castor oil, but later finds out before she would fuck random dudes, bad boys and a sex machine and everything. Funny, thing was he was pissed because now he feels he got the shit end of the stick. This guy was nearly a virgin and wait to marry this girl for like 12 years.. lol



    ally-gong-street-named-love-cute-kawaii-girly-outfit.jpg
     
  16. animal131

    animal131 TAG Member

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    I agree, but most psychiatrist jobs are to literally just make you talk and prescribe a mood controller. I do agree with finding the right person. not familiar with Japans psychiatry and how it mingles with Japanese culture. Imagine if he/she is a strong nationalist and is like yeah divorce her ass and get the fuck out lol

    in regards to the P4P I've read some members here with cuck fantasies so yeah I question the answers given.
     
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  17. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    my 2cts advices as someone who also suffered from the same « Madonna/Whore » complex as described in a post above...

    There’s nothing you can do about her past and remember that it was just a short term job for her.
    But contrary to my fellow Taggers who posted here, I think that if you feel going to a pink salon or soapland etc would
    1. Make you feel « even » (sounds stupid but I know what you mean)
    2. Let the past be the past and help you move on from those icky feelings
    3. Not ruin your marriage
    ... then do it
     
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  18. just4fun

    just4funjust4fun is a Verified Member Skeptical? Who me?

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    If you can't let go of the past (if you can't by now then ur the type that never will) then ur fucked mentally. Revenge won't solve "anything" and will make it worse as others have pointed out. There's a lot left out on why she married you. Was it just to help you secure a visa?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
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  19. Majestyk

    Majestyk TAG Member

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    Nothing will ever be the same because the truth has set both of you free. Deal with it and move on.
    Life is too short. Don’t waste it by being morose.
    Whatever you do next, just make sure that you’re a happy, kind and productive member of society.
     
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  20. Ken1988

    Ken1988 oh, you again

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    Hi OP, I guess you were quite drunk when you started this thread. I hope you feel a bit better now.
     
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  21. Joe2017

    Joe2017 Lost in translations

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    Certainly, with psychologists it happens as with all health care professionals: there are different specialties, and there are some good and some bad. But that is not why we should stop going to the doctor. This is a simple case for a cognitive-behavioral phycologist, since it is based on beliefs and biases, and it can be treated in three sessions without any drug. And if he doesn’t like the psychologist, the best thing is to look for another one, after all, what he needs to do is talk and that's why he put his post here. Better to talk to a professional rather than us. The sad story that you are commenting has many edges, if that person committed suicide is evidence that he had a serious Physiological disease that perhaps he did not have enough strength, or the right context, or the right therapist, to find the solution.
     
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  22. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    yes and thats why I can understand some men prefer to do it with hostesses and escorts rather than a psychologist. At least its usually more visually pleasant and talk can be stimulated by booze
     
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  23. justabrat

    justabrat TAG Member

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    Thank you all.

    To Be honest, I received advice from psychologist but i got answers like "In japan this kind of Job is like to be a nurse". In that sense i could understand a few things, i could be receptive and also don’t have the judgement that i had before (due the huge cultural systems). It allow me to think, "ok thats the conception about that here". Im not a church guy for sure... but its still very fucked up to get that kind of answer... please don’t take this wrong.

    I don’t suggest the idea to consume sexual services as a revenge, not as a measure about her past neither, i sorry if i didn’t explain that well. Its just, i suppose a desperate mode to release from the cage that means to be trapped into the idea of what my wife was. We discuss this together also, we agreed in that maybe it was necessary, i can truly say theres not bullshit in between from my part.

    Maybe it sound fucked up, but to read the answers was helpful. Now i really know, There is people who will not get married with a woman like this and that says a lot, and it make me feel relief. I didn’t get married for convenience, as i said, i didn’t knew the true, so the shock was massive because i truly believe in love, even if we have dark shit inside.

    For sure theres a hurricane of feelings about this kind of situation and its very difficult to talk about it. In some way i consider myself brave to continue dealing with this. More than the past, it was the true the thing who was betrayed, things got complicated.

    I don’t think its necessary to be mean at the moment to write an answer, i think this could happen to anyone... I just wanted to know an opinion of people with more experience.

    Thanks Danbo and Joe2017.
     
  24. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    hey, don’t blow this out of proportion
    It was just one week when she was at university
    So she’s not even really a « woman like this » as you nicely wrote
    And even if she was, and although I don’t agree with the « its like a nurse » false equivalence, its true that the Japanese are more cool about this business. I have read somewhere that Japan is a shame-based society (so yeah, they would not brag about their dark side) , not a sin-based society (meaning they don’t think it would send them to hell either).

    You seem like someone coming from a sin-based background
     
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  25. animal131

    animal131 TAG Member

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    Going to a psychologist and getting preventive checkup from a doctor is like comparing a copy writer (psychology) and repair shop (known working parts). They are worlds apart and you cannot compare. CBT cannot be treated with three sessions in most cases most dissociative disorders are NOT treatable and simply mitigated. The fact that you believe he has a cognitive problem because he doesn't accepts a situation (with out context of his background or moral beliefs) is just as edgy because you accept a situation by all means is fair (under normal circumstances) to be upset about.

    With psychology you are going with the mindset that you are broken.. so how do you know you are being repaired? When do you leave or change?

    Ironically, Ive worked for the suicide hotline and that's not how suicide typically works. Perfectly healthy person can later have thoughts of self destruction and be completely healthy later. IE a man who works his whole life to build a family and his wife divorces him out of nowhere.

    Not sure how being upset your wife was an escort and being blind sided and pissed about it turn into a psychological disorder. What Thy fuck?
     
    #25 animal131, May 12, 2020
    Last edited: May 12, 2020

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