Good Adult Jokes

:doctor: Stay safe.

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True confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

Man: I’m 92 years old. I have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitchhikers. Very pretty college girls. We went to a motel, where I had sex with them for about nine hours.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of Catholic are you?

Man: I'm Jewish.

Priest: Then why are you telling me all of this?

Man: I'm 92 years old ... I’m telling everybody!
 
BETTY

Seated on the sofa, Joe was reading his newspaper when his wife Karen suddenly hit him round the head with a frying pan.

Joe: “That hurt! What was that for?”

Karen: “That’s for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.”

Joe: “Well, I was at the races last week, and Betty was the name of the horse I bet on. You simply had to ask.”

His wife apologised profusely and went back to the kitchen.

Three days later, Joe was watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head with an even bigger frying pan that knocked him unconscious.

Upon regaining consciousness, Joe asked Karen why she hit him again.

Karen: “Your horse phoned!”
 
I'm going to try my best to translate an old joke from my motherland, so bear with me:

A rooster is chasing a hen around the yard to have sex with her.
He's thinking:
"Damn, how is she running so fast"
She's thinking:
"I hope I'm not running too fast"
:-D
 
In 2019 people would've just sucked dick for the money.
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An oldie.

A man walked into a bar-and-grill place, went up to the bar and ordered a beer.

Bartender: “Certainly, sir. That’ll be one cent.”
Man: “One cent?”
He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
Bartender: “A nickel.”
Man: “A nickel? Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
Bartender: “Upstairs, with my wife.”
Man: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
Bartender: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”
 
Another oldie: The Repentant Man

Feeling sincere remorse one day, a married Irishman enters the confessional to speak with the priest at his local church.

Irishman: “Bless me father for I have sinned. I almost had an affair with another woman.”

Priest: “What do you mean ‘almost’?”

Irishman: “Well, father, we got undressed and rubbed our bodies together, but then I stopped.”

Priest: “Rubbing your bodies together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”

So the Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box, as the priest watched him.

The Irishman paused for a moment and then started to leave.

Priest: “I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!”

Irishman: “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box. According to you, father, that's the same as putting it in!”
 
Actually not sure its a joke
Maybe that « game » actually exists...

Pretty sure that display is a fake but those simulators do exist and are used in medical schools.
 
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those simulators do exist and are used in medical schools
In "medical schools".

So much better with the quotes.
 
That's Singapore...
Well it's clearly not Thailand.

Thai girls don't wear skirts that short, or their balls dangle out.