Good Adult Jokes

What is the difference between a streetwalker and a bitch? A streetwalker will screw anyone. A bitch will screw anyone, but you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: cabbie
I always liked this joke.

A young american Indian boy was spending time with this grand father and he asked "Grand Father, how do we get our names?"
The Grand Father said " Well, when your father was born, I saw a eagle flying way up in the sky, so I named your father, Soaring Eagle"
"And when your older sister was born, a heard of dear ran thought the forest nearby, so your father named your sister, Running Deer"
The Grand Father then turned to the young boy and said "So, Two Dogs Fucking, is there anything else you want to know?"
 
  • Like
Reactions: akasam, all4naughty69, TheScientist and 4 others
  • Like
Reactions: AMcguyver and BlackBlade
Coda87 said:
I always liked this joke.

A young american Indian boy was spending time with this grand father and he asked "Grand Father, how do we get our names?"
The Grand Father said " Well, when your father was born, I saw a eagle flying way up in the sky, so I named your father, Soaring Eagle"
"And when your older sister was born, a heard of dear ran thought the forest nearby, so your father named your sister, Running Deer"
The Grand Father then turned to the young boy and said "So, Two Dogs Fucking, is there anything else you want to know?"
Click to expand...
Love it, thanks!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Coda87
Here’s another oldie:

A famous sex therapist in the US was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?"

To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

8508511E-3C7B-4AD3-BA77-DDD9DF0476F9.jpeg
 
  • Like
Reactions: Negi77, AliceInWonderland, TheScientist and 5 others
A few years ago, I was drinking in a bar with a couple of friends when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points right at my friend, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, my friend refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, my friend interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
 
  • Like
Reactions: akasam, all4naughty69, Negi77 and 14 others
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got his problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said..........

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."


(Variation of old political joke) Source:
 
  • Like
Reactions: Nikkei Guy, AliceInWonderland, all4naughty69 and 7 others


Look what I found.........
 
Last night, I asked my wife, "Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and angry at the same time?"
She paused for a moment to give it some thought, and replied, "You have a bigger penis, than all of your friends."
 
  • Like
Reactions: SugoiBoy, Karbon, AMcguyver and 3 others
Mr 3 said:
Last night, I asked my wife, "Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and angry at the same time?"
She paused for a moment to give it some thought, and replied, "You have a bigger penis, than all of your friends."
Click to expand...

Honey, you must have misheard me, I said compared to “all of your brothers” and not “your friends.” :D:D
 
  • Like
Reactions: AMcguyver, just4fun, AliceInWonderland and 4 others
A man is passing through a small town and sees a horse tied up in front of a bar

There's a sign next to the horse that says "Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night"

The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear.

The horse bursts out laughing.

The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pays the man and gives him a night of free drinks.

The man wakes up the next morning and continues on with his journey.

On his way back home, this man sees a new sign next to this horse that reads "Make this horse cry, win $1,000 and free drinks for two nights."

Having been successful the first time, the man walks up to the horse and a few moments later the horse is sobbing.

The bartender is pissed that the same man won his contest both times. He pays up and starts pouring beer for him.

After a few drinks, the bartender breaks and says "Look, I'm losing a lot of money on this. You have to tell me how you did it."

The man finishes his beer and says with a grin, "Last week, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his."

"This week, I showed him."
 
  • Like
Reactions: SugoiBoy, Unhurried Harry, Karbon and 8 others
Mike goes to his buddy, Hiroshi, and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Hiroshi starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Hiroshi, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Hiroshi's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".
 
  • Like
Reactions: akasam, BB0523, Karbon and 9 others
Mr 3 said:
Mike goes to his buddy, Hiroshi, and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Hiroshi starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Hiroshi, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Hiroshi's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".
Click to expand...
Ah ah, good one!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Troilist and Mr 3
This big Aussie guy goes into a bar and he's got a 3 foot gator under his arm. He's slammin into tables and knockin over chairs as he strolls up to bar. He stomps a bar stool and brakes off a leg. Puts the gator on the bar and he's holding it down with his left hand and tells the bar keep to give him two shots. He gets the shots and he drinks one and throws the other one down the croks throat. Two more he yells and the bartender obliges. They do this 3 or 4 more times and the big guy stands up on the foot rail, takes his cock out and lays it on the croks tongue. Just before the crok slams its mouth shut, the Aussie slams the crok in the head with the broken bar stool leg. The croks eyes spin and he goes limp. The Aussie turns around and says..."Is there anyone in here man enough to do this"? A guy in the back raises his hand and says "I will but don't hit me so hard".
 
  • Like
Reactions: BB0523, Mr 3, Tkoadventure and 3 others
Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club.

One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek.

The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.
 
  • Like
Reactions: SugoiBoy, Karbon, Mr 3 and 2 others
The two pilots and one stewardess are the only ones to survive a plane crash in to the ocean. They drift couple of days before landing to a deserted island.

They settle down and after a few weeks the hormones start to kick in and they end up having steamy group sex. Things escalate day by day and after two weeks the stewardess claims "this is too disgusting to me" and kills herself.

The guys are baffled but try to continue living their life as it was. After two weeks one of them says "this is too disgusting to me" and they decide to bury her.

Still life needs to go on but again in two weeks the other guy says "this is too disgusting to me" and they decide to dig her back up.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Karbon, just4fun, AMcguyver and 3 others
MikeH said:
The two pilots and one stewardess are the only ones to survive a plane crash in to the ocean. They drift couple of days before landing to a deserted island.

They settle down and after a few weeks the hormones start to kick in and they end up having steamy group sex. Things escalate day by day and after two weeks the stewardess claims "this is too disgusting to me" and kills herself.

The guys are baffled but try to continue living their life as it was. After two weeks one of them says "this is too disgusting to me" and they decide to bury her.

Still life needs to go on but again in two weeks the other guy says "this is too disgusting to me" and they decide to dig her back up.
Click to expand...

Thanks! I will tell this one to my grand kids when I’ll be a senile grand dad , at family reunions :ROFLMAO:
 
  • Like
Reactions: MikeH
One day, Frenchy and his Sugar Baby were strolling down a quiet street when a space ship landed and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves. As a token of his friendship, Frenchy immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.
Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. Frenchy, not wanting to offend his alien visitors, readily agreed. The Martian man then took the SB into one bedroom while Frenchy took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the SB, "Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?" The SB replied "It needs to be a little bigger around." So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around. About an hour later, the Martian man asked the SB again "How does it feel now?" The SB responded "I think it needs to be a little longer." So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.
The next morning, after their alien visitors had left, Frenchy and his SB were having coffee at the breakfast table and Frenchy asked his SB. "How was the Martian man?" To this, the SB replied "Fine." "And how about the Martian woman?"
Frenchy replied, "That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!"

(All characters and situations depicted here are fictitious. Any likeness to actual persons and situations are strictly coincidental.)
 
  • Like
Reactions: akasam, Unhurried Harry, DocMcStuffins and 8 others
Mr 3 said:
One day, Frenchy and his Sugar Baby were strolling down a quiet street when a space ship landed and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves. As a token of his friendship, Frenchy immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.
Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. Frenchy, not wanting to offend his alien visitors, readily agreed. The Martian man then took the SB into one bedroom while Frenchy took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the SB, "Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?" The SB replied "It needs to be a little bigger around." So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around. About an hour later, the Martian man asked the SB again "How does it feel now?" The SB responded "I think it needs to be a little longer." So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.
The next morning, after their alien visitors had left, Frenchy and his SB were having coffee at the breakfast table and Frenchy asked his SB. "How was the Martian man?" To this, the SB replied "Fine." "And how about the Martian woman?"
Frenchy replied, "That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!"

(All characters and situations depicted here are fictitious. Any likeness to actual persons and situations are strictly coincidental.)
Click to expand...

Good one! Well except I foresaw the ending half-way through but good one nevertheless!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Unhurried Harry and Troilist
You must log in or register to reply here.