Good Adult Jokes

Frenchy said:
It also says « plant based », to answer @maikeru ’s question
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First of al, thanks for following through.
I was fooled by the cow logo, anyway yes 100% plant based according to the website. Wonder why they do not use 100% vegetable wording.
Got thrown off by the pic, which was similar to one I took years ago
 
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007’s watch

The one and only James Bond (Sean Connery) walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

They share a quick glance. Bond then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies. "My friend Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

Intrigued, the woman asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

So she asks, “What is it telling you now?”

Bond goes, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing a pair of panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

80AA015C-793C-468C-81EF-65B290783A7F.jpeg
 
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An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
 
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An American and a Russian walk in a bar...

“One beer, please,” asks the American before downing the beer.

“Da, two beer,” asks the Russian in response, downing both.

Not wanting to be outdone, the American ordered;

“Three beers and shot of whiskey, please,” before downing them all in quick succession.

Not one to be shy from a challenge, the Russian ordered;

“Four beer, two shot,” before necking them all one after the other.

“Oh yeah?” says the American has he unzips his trousers and slams his member on the bar;

_<**thump**>_ _”That’s America!”_ he said, proud of his piece, as the Russian began unzipping his trousers;

_<**thump...thump**>_ _”That’s Chernobyl!”_
 
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A lord has 3 servants, and he suspects that they are having sex with his wife while he is away. one day he gives her a chastity belt with spikes on and goes to sleep.

the next day he confronts the servants. the first one has a bloody dick, and is killed, the second one also has a bloody dick, and the third one is compleatly fine. "good job! you are a loyal and good ervant, i shall promote you this instant!) said the lord, and the ervant anwered "thwank yhrough mwy lwhaord"
 
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Two friends went out for a night of heavy drinking. After they each go home for the night, one calls the other up a couple days later to talk about it.

"Oh man, I will never drink that much again. I was so wasted coming home, I spent all night blowing chunks."

"So what? Lots of people get sick after drinking that much."

"No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name!"
 
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There were two cowboys walking in the woods, very, very lost. By chance, they come across a clearing, where there's an Indian laying down on a mat with his pecker in the air.

The first cowboy asks, "Hey, what're you doin' out here with yer pecker in the air?"

The Indian looks over and replies, "Me telling time."

The cowboy, not believing him, asks the sensible question, "Okay then, what time is it?"

The Indian looks at his pecker, then to the sun, then back down, and says, "2:30."

The cowboy looked at his watch and it said just that, 2:30. "Wow, that's purdy cool. Now how do we get out of here?"

"Go West," the Indian told them. And so they did, and they eventually got lost again. They came across the Indian again, and were both rather frustrated from getting turned around like that.

The second cowboy says to the Indian, "Alright dude, that last time was bullshit. What time is it now?"

The Indian looks down, up, then down again and says, "5:47."

The cowboy checks his watch and saw that once again, the Indian was right! He was rather amazed with this, and so, after an amicable goodbye, the cowboys went West again, and so again they got lost.

They get to the clearing and find the Indian absolutely crankin' it, grunting and yelling as he stroked his massive meat stick with all the fury of a rabid badger.

One of them exclaimed, "Dude! What the fuck are you doin'?!"

The Indian looked at them and replied, "Me winding watch!"
 
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A man goes on holiday to Jamaica . One night he gets drunk and decided to get his girlfriends name, Wendy, tattooed on his dick. He kept it hard for the tattoo but when he lost his erection you could only see “wy”.

Later in the week he was at the pub and had to go for a piss. As he stood at the urinal, a native Jamaican shows up next to him and went about his business. He couldn’t help but noticed that the guy next to him also had “wy” on his penis.

He asked him “Hey mate does yours happen to say Wendy as well?”

The other guy replied “nah it says ‘Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day’”
 
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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
 
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Sudsy said:
Don't laugh too hard - that's the new audit procedure from the National Tax Agency.
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I thought that was the current tax audit procedure?
 
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