Good Adult Jokes

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
A traveling ventriloquist was walking through the country and came across a Chinese farmer tending to his animals. The ventriloquist decided to have a little fun, and says to the farmer, "Hey, do any of your animals talk?" The farmer scoffed "Animals no talk... Get out of here."

The ventriloquist pointed to a horse and said "I bet that horse can talk." He threw his voice and made it appear that the horse was talking and said "Of course I can talk! But that farmer's mean - he makes me drag a heavy plow in a hot field all day. Why would I talk to him!"

The Chinese farmer was flabbergasted, but the ventriloquist went on. "And how about that dog? Does he talk?" The farmer shook his head, a bit less certain this time "Dog no talk..."
The ventriloquist threw his voice to the dog and said "Of course I can talk! But that farmer only feeds me scraps and kicks me when he's drunk. Why would I talk to him?"

The farmer is astonished, but the ventriloquist isn't finished yet. "How about that sheep? Do you suppose she can talk, too?"

The farmer was quick to answer "No talk to sheep! Sheep lie!"
 
There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.

The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster."

The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?"

The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs."

The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take Brewster over there... he'll do all your chickens for you." The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily.

The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow."

The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll do all your chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine."

Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold." He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck.

As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and another...

The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs after the dog, and does him too.

The farmer is starting to get a little worried.

Brewster then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife!

Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere. He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless, with a flock of vultures circling overhead.

The farmer cries out to himself, "Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look what's happened."

Brewster opens one eye and whispers, "Shhh! They're about to land."
 
i would totally use this as a dad’s joke, when the offspring is around with her friends. Great ice breaker Im sure.

:happy:

A little OT, you can try asking your friends to solve this riddle:

"What's warm, moist and pink?"
And, after a pause, with a knowing smile add:
"That's not what you think ... "

Without leaving your friends too much time to think you press on and then relent saying:
"ok but I can tell you only in the ear... "

You get close to the victim's ear and...
Poke your tongue there.

I leave to you the decision of how deep ;):whistle:
 
:happy:

A little OT, you can try asking your friends to solve this riddle:

"What's warm, moist and pink?"
And, after a pause, with a knowing smile add:
"That's not what you think ... "

Without leaving your friends too much time to think you press on and then relent saying:
"ok but I can tell you only in the ear... "

You get close to the victim's ear and...
Poke your tongue there.

I leave to you the decision of how deep ;):whistle:

yeah, I’d do that just after the cucumber joke.
Then I would probably have troubles at the next PTA meeting but whatever, YOLO
 
Then I would probably have troubles at the next PTA meeting but whatever, YOLO

I would be surprised if you made it to the PTA meeting without getting a chance to think about all those jokes for 23 days.

Anyways you could always ask the boys in blue what part of you can grow 10 times its size when stimulated?
 
Anyways you could always ask the boys in blue what part of you can grow 10 times its size when stimulated?
My net worth? :D
 
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:D

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I would be surprised if you made it to the PTA meeting without getting a chance to think about all those jokes for 23 days.

Anyways you could always ask the boys in blue what part of you can grow 10 times its size when stimulated?

my liver?