Good Adult Jokes

This is so true.
Same goes for less alcohol.

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Majestyk said:
The Barber

Joe was getting a haircut a day before his family holiday in Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber.

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?” the barber asked. “It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We're taking United," Joe said."We got a great rate!"

“United Airlines? That's a terrible airline,” the barber said. “Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We'll be at the downtown International Marriott,” Joe said.

“That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city,” the barber said. “The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope,” Joe said.

The barber laughed. “That's rich,” he said. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, Joe came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful," Joe said. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel … It was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well, I know you didn't get to see the Pope,” the barber said.

“Actually, we were quite lucky,” Joe said. “As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really?” the barber said. “What'd he say?”

Joe smiled and said: “The Pope asked, ‘Where'd you get the shitty haircut?’ “
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I thought this was heading to an R rated ending
Majestyk said:
This is so true.
Same goes for less alcohol.

View attachment 16637
Click to expand...

Biscuits are big part of my life......I think they maybe part of the reason why sex is a very small part.
 
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An oldie …

The Indecent Proposal

John, the married owner and chief executive of a boutique consulting firm, has been consistently flirting for several months with his personal secretary Diana, a voluptuous woman in her mid-20s who looks like Demi Moore in the film About Last Night and who secretly has a big crush on her boss.

After much thought and preparation, John called Diana to his office and asked her to close the door as soon as she entered and take a seat in front of his desk. He stood up, moved around his desk and took the seat opposite Diana.

“This is no joke. I want to have sex with you today,” John said, without any regard for a potential case of sexual harassment. “I’ll throw US$2,000 on the floor. I promise to stop by the time you pick it all up.”

Diana smiled and said: “I need to think about this. Please excuse me. I need to freshen up.”

She stood up, closed the door and went straight to her desk outside to call her boyfriend David and told him about the proposal.

“If you want to do it, then do it,” said David, who is broke, jobless and living in Diana’s apartment. “But ask him for US$4,000. Pick up all the money quickly. He wouldn’t have enough time to do the deed even if he gets undressed.”

Diana agreed and went back inside John’s office.

Half an hour later, David called Diana’s desk phone. No answer.

He called again after 30 minutes. She answered the phone.

“I called up earlier. What happened?” David asked.

Diana said: “The bastard used coins.”
 
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That reminded me of another oldie...

Brian's small company is going through a rough time and whatever he tries he finally realises he needs to reduce headcount. The youngest members of the office are Jill and Jack so he invites them to his office to explain things. Jill comes in first and Brian starts: "Things are really bad at the moment, I need to lay you or Jack off".
 
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A ribald once-upon-a-time story

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large, round breasts.

Like many men across the kingdom, Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen's magnificent bosom.

He knew that the penalty for expressing his desire, in whatever manner, would be certain death, but he seriously thought that he had to try.

So one day, Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about the matter and said that he could arrange for Nick to actually satisfy his desire. The catch is that it would cost Nick 10,000 gold coins.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the royal doctor’s scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a special batch of itching powder.

While the Queen bathed one day, the doctor surreptitiously poured a small amount of the powder into the Queen's royal bra.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this itchy malady, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch.

The doctor said that his tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then secretly slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder. Nick put the remedy inside his mouth.

For the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's breasts, using his wet tongue to cover it with saliva and the antidote.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved. Nick, whose desire was more than satisfied, was hailed as a hero across the kingdom.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 10,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less. Knowing that Horatio could never report the matter to the King, Nick laughed at the doctor’s demand and told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick …


The lessons here are to always honour one’s obligation and consider P4P when necessary.
 
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This one I heard from a security guard at a place I worked in St Lucia. It is so far out there in its stupidity & outlandishness I actually found it funny. I'm probably ruining it because it's better in the local vernacular but here goes.
Every night for a week the new watchman at a warehouse is treated to the sight of the local working girl strutting back and forth in front of the gates. Finally he works up the nerve to ask her how much are her rates. She eyes him up and down and says "$50 bucks but if I cum its free"
Confident in his size and abilities he forks over the cash confident he'll get it back. Hurriedly pulling down his trousers he starts pumping away for all he's worth but the girl sighs with boredom and starts doing her nails. Ticked of by this he clambers of her. "Are you finished yet?" She asks "Not by half" He says and angrily shoves his fist into her. There is a slurping sound and when he pulls back his hand his watch is gone.
Angered he attempts to kick her in the crotch but again there is a slurping sound now his shoe is gone. Now thoroughly enraged he reaches for his night stick and thrusts it into her but again there is that slurping sound and the night stick is gone. And now he's in deep because that is company property and he's got to get it back. He kneels down parts her lips and is surprised to see a beam of light shining out. Fearfully he peers in and is shocked to see a young boy walking back and forth with a flashlight. Nervously he stammers out "Oy, little boy, little boy. Did you see a night stick anywhere around?" The kid looks up at him tiredly "You lost one did you?" He asks. "Yes." The watchman says "have you seen it?" The kid looks back at him "You lucky that's all you lost. Do you know how long I've been in here looking for my father?"
 
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It's closing time at the Pearly gates and three men show up within seconds of each other. St Peter says, alright boys let's hear your stories.
The first guy says - I came home early from work to find my wife in bed sweaty, naked and looking suspicious. So I start looking around the room. Nothing. But then I notice the balcony doors are open. I look out and sure enough there's a naked man there dangling by his fingers. So I grab my shoe and I hit his fingers so hard he has no choice but to let go. He falls ten floors. But wouldn't you know it the SOB lands in a clump of bushes which breaks his fall. So I go back in the room and push the dresser out which lands right on top of him. But it's so heavy my heart gives out because of the strain.
St Peter says - Interesting. Then motions for the 2nd guy.
The second guy says - I just came out of the shower when I realized I left the balcony doors open. One of the curtains was caught on the railing and when I went out to fix it I slipped and fell over the edge. Luckily I managed to catch the railing of the balcony below me when all of a sudden this guy starts hitting my fingers. Before I can even say anything he hits my fingers so hard I fall ten floors but luckily I landed in a clump of bushes which broke my fall. But then the next thing I know as I'm staring up at the heavens thankful to be alive. I see a dresser come falling out of the sky and that's why I'm here.
St Peter says - Very interesting. Then motions for the 3rd guy.
The third guy says - I was in this dresser when..........
 
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Two Nuns

Meet Sister Mathematical (SM) and Sister Logical (SL), who are walking back to the convent way up in the hill as night falls.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 18 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster.

A little while later …

SM: This is not working.

SL: Of course, it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

The man decides to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent, breathes a sigh of relief, but worries about what has happened to Sister Logical.

A few minutes later, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God, you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

S : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my skirt.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her skirt up can run faster than a man with his pants down.


The moral of this story:
Logic beats maths. And maths cannot survive without logic.
 
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