Good Adult Jokes

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A woman came to a clinic to buy Viagra, saying it's for her husband. The doctor told her she couldn't purchase Viagra on behalf of her husband. At disappointment, almost weeping, the woman shook her head and told the doctor that the couple had been sexless for 10 years. The doctor felt sorry about the woman and decided to make an offer.

"This medication, of Chinese herbal medicine, is much safer and effective than Viagra. Let your husband take a tablet with food - perhaps during dinner. You will be fine. Good luck."

A week later the woman visited the clinic again and thank the doctor, telling him that the medicine really worked.

"The effect was so immediate," the woman said. "It changed him completely. We didn't even finished our dinner yet. He stood up and pushed away all the dishes in front of us and we had sex for hours on the table. It was like a dream. Thank you, doctor."

"Good. I'm happy for you. Do you have any other comment about the medication?"

"No, not really, doctor, but just one thing - me and my husband can't go to that restaurant again."
 
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome it protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts.

"I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!"
 
Two women are talking, one of them complaining about the cold she has. The other says "Yeah, I had a bad cold last week. I found a way to get rid of it. I gave my husband a blow job, let him deep throat me, then swallowed the whole load. It cleared me right up."

A week later they are talking again. "Seems like your cold is gone." "Yeah, I did what you said. Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"
 
Bob is on a business trip in Tokyo. His coworker, Tom, notices that he seems to be coming down with a cold. "Bob, here's what you do. When you get back to your hotel soak in a bath with some lemon and a little honey in it."

The next morning Tom sees Bob - "So, did you try it?" Bob replies "Yeah, I'm not sure I did it right. The little honey kept asking what the lemon was for."
 
What's the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."
Ah ah, good one. Would be interesting if it was the same film for him and her, by the way
 
Bob is on a business trip in Tokyo. His coworker, Tom, notices that he seems to be coming down with a cold. "Bob, here's what you do. When you get back to your hotel soak in a bath with some lemon and a little honey in it."

The next morning Tom sees Bob - "So, did you try it?" Bob replies "Yeah, I'm not sure I did it right. The little honey kept asking what the lemon was for."
This is the cutest and most innocent joke on here. :)
 
A man comes home from a company bounenkai really drunk and carrying a very expensive bottle of whiskey.

His wife angrily asks why did he have to waste all their money in alcohol when it is obvious he had more than enough at the party already.

The guy proudly says "no, I didn't buy it. But our buchou decided to have a contest to see who has the biggest dick in the company and this bottle was the first prize."

The wife gets even angrier and shouts "so you drunk idiot had to go and show your whole nakedness to everyone at the company?".

The guy answers "of course not the whole of it, I only flashed just enough to win...".
 
amirtokyo
 
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A man comes home from a company bounenkai really drunk and carrying a very expensive bottle of whiskey.

His wife angrily asks why did he have to waste all their money in alcohol when it is obvious he had more than enough at the party already.

The guy proudly says "no, I didn't buy it. But our buchou decided to have a contest to see who has the biggest dick in the company and this bottle was the first prize."

The wife gets even angrier and shouts "so you drunk idiot had to go and show your whole nakedness to everyone at the company?".

The guy answers "of course not the whole of it, I only flashed just enough to win...".

Would have been fun if the wife had replied « then I know for a fact the Bucho did not take part in the competition himself and kindly let you win »
 
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Would have been fun if the wife had replied « then I know for a fact the Bucho did not take part in the competition himself and kindly let you win »

How about in the morning when the guy shows his wife the pictures he took at the party? He shows her a group pic and asks "you remember Yamada-san, you met him at the company party around five years ago?". Wife says he doesn't recognise anyone in the pic.

They look at some more pics but then the guy tries to put his phone away. Wife asks why as there are still some he didn't show. The guy says, well the party went a little wild and we started to get naked. The wife wants to see those pics too. The guy shows her and she says "oh, that Yamada-san, just didn't recognise him with his clothes on!".
 
A young boy was just adopted by a couple.
While taking a shower with his father he said:
"Dad, you have a very big pee-pee"
"Not really son, you have not seen your mother's one yet ! "
 
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The title of the thread is good adult jokes, not pathetic man-child jokes....
Gomen ne. It wasn't a very good try I know.........
 
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Another thread made me remember this one.

It was the time in the history where people were made to come up with last names. To make their lives better, or to be able to identify everyone better for taxing and recruiting them to war, take your pick.

Anyways not everyone was happy about it. George was heard leaving the registration station mumbling to himself definitely not too thrilled.

"You build tens houses, but do they call you George Housemaker, no they don't. You chop hundreds of trees but do they call you George Treechopper, no they don't. But you fuck one goat..."
 
Another thread made me remember this one.

It was the time in the history where people were made to come up with last names. To make their lives better, or to be able to identify everyone better for taxing and recruiting them to war, take your pick.

Anyways not everyone was happy about it. George was heard leaving the registration station mumbling to himself definitely not too thrilled.

"You build tens houses, but do they call you George Housemaker, no they don't. You chop hundreds of trees but do they call you George Treechopper, no they don't. But you fuck one goat..."

Are you sure he was called George? Not Yorgi, Jurjis, Georg or Georges ( the Frenchy George)
 
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.
6969 SLIPPERY ROOT DRIVE
DROP TROUSER, NC 21692

December 20th, 2018


Dear Mr. Amir,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your applications to model and represent our product, Trojan Condoms.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing our product in advertisements does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy, and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and keep it on by using Poly-Grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that your's is the first we have seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest, and would like to thank you for your time. We will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by chance we decide there is a market for micro-condoms, we will contact you.

We send greetings and sympathy to your female companions.

Sincerely,

Burley Dick, President

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.


Remember our slogans:
  • Don't be silly...protect your Willie!
  • Cover your stump before you hump!
  • Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker!
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  • A tisket, a tasket, a condom or a casket!
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  • If you think she is spunky, cover your monkey!
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An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”

“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”

The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
 
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.