Good Adult Jokes

Boy: Let's get back together. I can't forget you. You are so beautiful. You are so hot.
Girl: Why should we? You've robbed me. You've cheated on me. I don't even like you anymore.
Boy: But I love you. I will be true to you - seriously. Right? Let's have sex. You will change your mind.
Girl: No! This is the end of our relationship! This is it! The end! Period!
Boy: Oh,......but I don't mind blood.
 
John has been married for 20 years and recently it seems his wife is always tired and doesn't want to have sex. He is getting desperate so after a company nomikai he wanders a bit towards the dark alleys in Shinbashi.

Suddenly there is a female voice whispering to him from the darkness. "Asobu? Three thousand yens".

Obviously John is a bit hesitant as he cannot even clearly see the woman but then he thinks it's just three thousand so... Off to the bushes they disappear and go for it.

Suddenly a police officer shines his flashlight on the couple and asks "What's going on here people?". John is startled but then answers "I'm just making love to my wife."

"Oh! I'm so sorry!" says the cop, "I didn't 't know she's your wife."

"Well..." says John, " I didn't know either till you shined the damned flashlight on her."
 
A ninety-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,
"I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers,
"You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want.
And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears,
"I forgot where I live.".................................
 
51151556_1985194525116484_2004029481160802304_n.png
 
Heard this today:

My girl used to smoke when we were having sex. Then I started to use lube.
 
67661047_2465873963527600_6352740957066100736_o.jpg
 
My friend just called and asked if I would loan him $300.00 to help him pay his rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told him to give me some time to think about it and I would call him back. Before I called him back, my buddy called and told me that my friend was lying and not to give him the money. He goes on to say that the real reason my friend wanted the $300.00 was to get his girlfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for her birthday . I thought about it for a minute and decided to give him the $300.00 because we all need help at times and we all have desires. So, I called my friend and told him to come and get the money.

A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Montgomery County jail. It was my friend crying, screaming and asking why I gave him counterfeit money. My response...so you and your girl could be under the same roof for her birthday!
 
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
 
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.” That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”
 
68755996_2319126041540049_8849954081058324480_n.jpg
 
  • Like
Reactions: TokyoJoeblow
70955963_395051248054645_1481507380586872832_o.jpg
 
and on the darker side......
71148755_1477000849115690_8440894193127129088_n.jpg
 
71092904_2475151662730822_3144021021082779648_n.jpg
 
This is one of my favorites.

Visiting a clinic one day, Joe looked into the nurses eyes and said, "Nurses aren't supposed to laugh, right?"

"Of course I won't laugh. I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Joe said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing.

A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Joe replied.

Things went downhill from there.

My cock is 8 inches, but as I'm Italian and not Greek, I won't be showing you a photo.