Good Adult Jokes

Hmmm ... Beer, snacks and automatic assault rifle.;)

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I don't know why she's ridin' so high
She ought to think twice
She ought to do right by me
Before she gets to saying goodbye
She ought to think twice,
She ought to do right by me

— Ticket to Ride, Lennon-McCartney

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Here’s an oldie:
A woman and baby are in the doctor’s office.
The doctor is concerned about the baby’s weight. “Is he bottle-fed or breast-fed?” he asks.
The woman replies: "Breast-fed."
The doctor gets her to strip down to her waist, so he can examine her breasts. He pinches her nipples, and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while.
“No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk,” says the doctor.
The woman says: "I know. I’m his granny ... but I’m glad I came!"


Which reminds me:
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Well not a joke exactly. This actually happened but it cracks me up.

So I love the Romanian incall girls in London. I was with one I particularly like named Cambria. We were just getting started with some kissing and petting with her on top of me on the the bed.

She started started to lick and suck my ear and I like that so I gently encouraged her “that feels great baby”. To which she responds in her sweet Romanian accent “Yeah, old people like that.”

Mildly offended, I offer “I’m not THAT old”.

She laughs and says “I didn’t say OLD people like that. I said ALL people like that!”

LOL. Fuck I laughed so hard.
 
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Here’s another oldie:
An elderly man visits a brothel. He tells the madam that he wants the youngest companion in the establishment.
Taken aback, the madam asks the frail-looking man how old he was.
“I’m 90 years old,” he says.
“Whoa, 90!” the madam says. “Sir, don’t you realise you’ve had it.”
“Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”

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steve969696 said:
Well not a joke exactly. This actually happened but it cracks me up.

So I love the Romanian incall girls in London. I was with one I particularly like named Cambria. We were just getting started with some kissing and petting with her on top of me on the the bed.

She started started to lick and suck my ear and I like that so I gently encouraged her “that feels great baby”. To which she responds in her sweet Romanian accent “Yeah, old people like that.”

Mildly offended, I offer “I’m not THAT old”.

She laughs and says “I didn’t say OLD people like that. I said ALL people like that!”

LOL. Fuck I laughed so hard.
Click to expand...

Good recovery. Quick thinker!
 
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A elderly Mormon asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied, "I've never done either."

The doctor then asks, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with many women?" The man replies, "No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "why do you want to live to be a hundred for?”
 
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Nikkei Guy said:
"Well then," said the doctor, "why do you want to live to be a hundred for?”
Click to expand...

There is another ending to that joke too; "Well then," said the doctor, "I don't know but at least it's going to feel like hundred years.”
 
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“Spaghetti”

So an upwardly mobile doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
A few months into their relationship, the nurse told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife and family to know, the doctor gave the nurse a large sum of money and convinced her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard and then fell to the floor because of a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti — Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
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I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
 
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