Hello And Introduction

[Obmij]

I've recently come across TAG when searching for dating tips here in Japan. After browsing for a bit I finally registered and it seems appropriate to introduce myself.

I am a 26 year old male from the Pacific Northwest of the USA. My Japanese is competent but still a work in progress. Living here for 3 years has been a largely pleasant experience but recently I've got the pangs of loneliness.

Which brings me here, where hopefully I can find a solution to my solitude! I'm not too interested in paying for a quick fix, I'm looking more long-term.

Nice to meet you all.
-Jimbo

 

[Wwanderer]

Universe Club (UC) and/or SeekingArrangement.com (SA) are *by far* your best bets for long-term in Tokyo's p4p world to the best of my knowledge.

-Ww

 

[Obmij]

Thank you for the suggestion.

Unfortunately my finances can't really support any sort of p4p except for what dating a girl would entail. With that in mind I guess I should have been more specific about my goals for gleaning information. I'd like to get more into the dating process and understand more of how to handle Japanese women. None of the paid for stuff. Just typical boring old dating and pick up.

I know I get looks from women quite often but I don't have the slightest clue of where to start. I know just start with "hello" etc. but I also know that talking to people you don't know in public here is kind of a no-no.

Anyway, thanks for the information but I'm looking for something a bit different.

 

[Zaphod222]

Thank you for the suggestion.
Unfortunately my finances can't really support any sort of p4p except for what dating a girl would entail. With that in mind I guess I should have been more specific about my goals for gleaning information. I'd like to get more into the dating process and understand more of how to handle Japanese women. None of the paid for stuff. Just typical boring old dating and pick up.

You are probably on the wrong site here. Try one of the many dating websites... if you are 26, single, ready for a steady relationship and don´t look like Quasimodo, finding a girlfriend should be the easiest thing in the world for you here.

I know I get looks from women quite often but I don't have the slightest clue of where to start.

Good grief, have you never had a girlfriend? Just be nice, invite them do to something with you, have a coffee, watch a movie, play billiard... doesn´t matter really. Make a couple of friendly dates, and eventually you find yourself in a love hotel.

I know just start with "hello" etc. but I also know that talking to people you don't know in public here is kind of a no-no.

....says who??? Last time I looked, nampa was a national sport here.


....

 

[Obmij]

Kind of was hoping for a warm welcome and not getting taken to school but you're right on most accounts.

I'm already making headway on some of the dating websites.

I realize the majority of the discussion on this forum is for p4p activities but seeing as there is a dating/relationship forum as well as information on dating related activities and places, I hopefully can learn some useful things here.

Have had a girlfriend but not for a while now. The basics you listed, "...be nice, invite them to do something with you..." etc. I do. Currently, I am just frustrated because they just haven't lead to anything substantial.

As far as approaching, you're right. I need to reach down stairs, find my balls, and start using them.

@Wwanderer and @ Zaphod222 I lurked a bit before signing up here and you two are consistently posting quality stuff. I look forward to reading more.

Thank you for the critcism.

 

[Zaphod222]

Kind of was hoping for a warm welcome and not getting taken to school but you're right on most accounts.

I'm already making headway on some of the dating websites.

Not my intention take you to school, but your question seemed so strange...
One more note on nampa: If that is not your thing (it is not mine, either), how about doing some activities that naturally gets you in contact with others? Hate to mention the obvious, but dancing would be one where the female majority is extreme. If scuba-diving is of interest to you, that is something you should definitely consider! I can´t do it, because my sinuses are weird, but if you go to a diving club you´ll notice it is full of girls, and all of them genki.
For that matter, even at my martial arts club I regularly see young gaijin guys hook up with girls, I know of some cases that led to marriage. And in martial arts, the male-female ratio is disastrous. But still, if you do things together, it so ridiculously easy to make contact. All of this is is so much better than bar nampa.

 

[Wwanderer]

@Obmij - Warm welcomes don't appear to be one of Zaphod's strong suits! <<== note smiley face, denoting a jest!

However, he does post a lot of good stuff, as you note, and is often right about things, except when he disagrees with me!

Anyway, I second his advice above for the most part. I don't think nampa is all that bad a way to go if you're comfortable with it; a lot of the available women out there are waiting and hoping for it. However, meeting a woman via a shared activity is definitely more natural and graceful, plus it has the advantage of giving you both an interest and, often, a social group in common from the outset. And, in case it isn't obvious, it is best to pick activities that you enjoy for their own sake, completely separate from any social aspects.

The other general bit of advice I'd add is to work hard to let go of your fear of rejection. For some reason (I have theories on why, but those are different stories) most guys find being turned down by a woman such a painful kick in the ego that they treat it like the prospect/possibility of literally being kicked in the balls. This fear not only greatly reduces their willingness to approach women but also makes them do a much worse job of it when they do take the chance. It also makes them less emotionally attractive to most women. The weirdest thing about it is that it is actually totally harmless and painless if you can see it in the right perspective; just let it go, forget about it and move on to the next possibility.

Anyway, I hear that there are regular dating sites (i.e., not "compensated dating") aplenty if you can communicate in Japanese, and they surely seem like your best bet, as Z mentions. However, please hang out here on TAG too; the more the merrier!

-Ww

 

[Wwanderer]

@Obmij - in case you somehow missed it, see this TAG forum:

http://tokyoadultguide.com/forums/dating-relationships.12/

Most of what this site has to offer re np4p relationships can be found in the threads of this forum, many of them quite old but still relevant for your interests.

-Ww

 

[Obmij]

@Zaphod222 - I am, or rather, was, an avid martial artist. Up until mid-last year I had been taking Judo Classes at the big world renowned Judo Center, Kodokan in Kourakuen. While I learned a great deal, the social aspect was definitely lacking. Mens and women's classes were taught separately and never, ever met. This led me to believe that martial arts schools were not really the place to find a female. However, this could just be because the Kodokan is so huge it is just easier to have everything separate. Perhaps at smaller schools it is more co-ed?

Another concern I have is not wanting to fudge up the classes. If I did end up fooling around with a female student, and things ended poorly, I wouldn't want things to carry into the classes. I suppose nothing is going to be perfect though and for that matter why should I care when I haven't even gotten as far as approaching!

@Wwanderer - You're 100% correct. A lot of it is my fear of rejection. I have approached women here. Women on the train and other random spots but every single one I can remember has not gone anywhere.

For example, there were two college girls who were in the same train car as me almost every day and I kept catching them looking at me. One day I sat next to them and chatted them up. I played it slow and didn't ask for their number or anything until the next time we chatted on the train. They gave their numbers, I sent a mail saying something along the lines of "Nice meeting you, have a nice day." or something like that. Nothing too forward. They replied in kind. Then, the next day, they aren't on the train. I didn't see them for a week, so I sent a mail asking how school is going or something of that sort. No reply and I did not see them on the train since. Only saw the cuter one later on at a different time and at that point the jig was LONG over.

You're right though. The approach anxiety is just something I've got to get over with otherwise I stand no chance meeting them. They are just two girls out of the hundreds of cute girls I see everyday. It's something I've been doing reading on and working on.

My Japanese is ok, and I've had some dates where the majority is in Japanese but there are always moments where we don't quite understand each other. It can be either fun or annoying to try and work it out.

Thanks for the advice from the both of you.

 

[Wwanderer]

This discussion should probably be moved to the Dating and Relationships forum; it is well past the Introductions stage.

You're 100% correct. A lot of it is my fear of rejection.

Fwiiw, this is totally normal/usual; most guys have exactly the same issue with meeting women, especially younger and less experienced guys…not that that makes it any easier to overcome the problem.

For example, there were two college girls who were in the same train car as me almost every day and I kept catching them looking at me. One day I sat next to them and chatted them up. I played it slow and didn't ask for their number or anything until the next time we chatted on the train. They gave their numbers, I sent a mail saying something along the lines of "Nice meeting you, have a nice day." or something like that. Nothing too forward. They replied in kind. Then, the next day, they aren't on the train. I didn't see them for a week, so I sent a mail asking how school is going or something of that sort. No reply and I did not see them on the train since. Only saw the cuter one later on at a different time and at that point the jig was LONG over.

Since you posted the story in a little detail, I'll make a couple of comments. Just my 2 cents worth: I think you might have done better if you were *slightly* more aggressive and if you had focused on whichever one of the two appealed to you more or seemed more friendly when you talked to them. More specifically, imo it would have been good to invite one of them to do something very casual, grab a cup of coffee and chat or whatever, in your second or possibly even your first message. They (almost certainly) understood that you were interested in getting to know one of them in some sort of potential dating context, and the very gradual/incremental approach you took (very likely a product of rejection fear, of being afraid that they would flatly turn down your invitation) risks communicating to them a lack of self-confidence or a lack of serious interest on your part. You of course could have invited them both to coffee or whatever, but the longer you wait to signal your interest in one or the other of them, the more awkward it becomes for them. And if they are any more than casual acquaintances, it can become less hassle for them to drop you off their radars than to deal with the awkward feeling of being even mildly in competition for your attention. Anyway, that's my take on your tale, but there is no formula or one right way to meet women or attract their interest. At a slightly deeper level, I'm simply saying that it is helpful to try to see such situations from their perspective and not just your own.

I did not understand your "LONG over" comment. If you were still interested, what was to keep you from approaching her and saying, "Hey, didn't I meet you on the train last X…good to see you again!"?

You're right though. The approach anxiety is just something I've got to get over with otherwise I stand no chance meeting them. They are just two girls out of the hundreds of cute girls I see everyday. It's something I've been doing reading on and working on.

A lot of people have "stage fright" or "performance anxiety", meaning that they get hyper-nervous and even stomach-churningly frightened by the prospect of speaking to or performing for an audience of strangers. The best way to overcome it is to do it a lot…as often as possible, multiple times per week is good; pretty soon you (most people, not everyone) "get over it" and become comfortable with having the spotlight on them, literally or figuratively speaking. Same here, go out and approach women every time there is an opportunity to do so appropriately. Expect to get lots of rejections; you probably will. But after a while you will probably notice that they are totally harmless and stop worrying about them. At that point your batting average will likely go up quite a bit. In a recent post in some thread, @Solong wrote something like, "You have to be willing to go to bat and strike out a lot if you want to hit some home runs." That is the way to think about rejections imo, as just a normal part of the game, no big deal.

-Ww

 

[Zaphod222]

@Zaphod222 - I am, or rather, was, an avid martial artist. Up until mid-last year I had been taking Judo Classes at the big world renowned Judo Center, Kodokan in Kourakuen. While I learned a great deal, the social aspect was definitely lacking. Mens and women's classes were taught separately and never, ever met.

Roger! Judo is a great sport, but as for meeting girls, you probably picked both the wrong art and the wrong place. Judo is pretty rough, and Judo women tend to be, umm, how to say this, a bit butch. And the Kodokan is, of course, a factory. Have you tried checking out your local sports center, and an art which is more co-ed than Judo? In my case, I am doing both Aikido and Shotokan Karate, both in sports centers, and in both places there are plenty of girls, and I have seen plenty of dojo hookups. Heck, I am going out drinking with a really sexy 31 year old from the Aikido group, and if I was boyfriend material, she´d be definitely game. But I am not going to tell lies about myself, so we are just buddies. So my advice for you would be to look around a bit. I have seen e.g. "Capoera" classes full of girls with great bodies.

Another concern I have is not wanting to fudge up the classes. If I did end up fooling around with a female student, and things ended poorly, I wouldn't want things to carry into the classes.

Not an issue, as long as you don´t play stupid games, imho. I have seen dojo romances come and go, no problem there.

For example, there were two college girls who were in the same train car as me almost every day and I kept catching them looking at me. One day I sat next to them and chatted them up. I played it slow and didn't ask for their number or anything until the next time we chatted on the train. They gave their numbers, I sent a mail saying something along the lines of "Nice meeting you, have a nice day." or something like that. Nothing too forward. They replied in kind. Then, the next day, they aren't on the train.

Don´t make too much of that. You played it right, and if they ignore you, that is a "no" (alas, that is normal here). As simple as that. Just try again, and eventually you get a date.