Help me understand this relationship and where its going...

[shyfirsttimer]

I am married with kids. The marriage is ok, but not great and sex has gone down to nothing since the second kid a few years ago. I have had a couple of P4P experiences since then to help things in my own department though it is not frequent and nothing too intense. Mostly massage HJ kind of thing.

Recently I got a private message through an online social site from a co-worker who said she wants to get to know me better and some flattering things. We met up and we talked for a bit. She said she is interested in me and would like to get together more. She says she will not speak anything about our visits. We discussed possible ways to meet and how to stay in contact. She knows I am married, we talked about it and our kids. She also has a child, is about my age and is either divorced or living separate from her spouse.

So, can you help me understand this? My instinct is that she was perhaps a hostess at one point in the past, but now is just like an office worker. Where do you think this is going? Should I engage in this? I am just looking for general feedback I guess at this point based on the large amount of experience on this site with various relationships. Thanks in advance.

 

[e-smile]

Why do you think she was a hostess ? From what you said it just look like a normal beginning of a normal affair. I have experienced this many times and I don't see any red flag so far in your story.
My 2 yen of advise would be don't think too much and don't get attached.

 

[Coda87]

I am married with kids. The marriage is ok, but not great and sex has gone down to nothing since the second kid a few years ago. I have had a couple of P4P experiences since then to help things in my own department though it is not frequent and nothing too intense. Mostly massage HJ kind of thing.

Recently I got a private message through an online social site from a co-worker who said she wants to get to know me better and some flattering things. We met up and we talked for a bit. She said she is interested in me and would like to get together more. She says she will not speak anything about our visits. We discussed possible ways to meet and how to stay in contact. She knows I am married, we talked about it and our kids. She also has a child, is about my age and is either divorced or living separate from her spouse.

So, can you help me understand this? My instinct is that she was perhaps a hostess at one point in the past, but now is just like an office worker. Where do you think this is going? Should I engage in this? I am just looking for general feedback I guess at this point based on the large amount of experience on this site with various relationships. Thanks in advance.

I would try to stick to P4P if I were you. If you value your marriage/family, it seems to me the less risky route to take if you ever get caught, or worse you find yourself having to make the decision to choose between your family and a lover. P4P is easier to forgive, you won't have a "Fatal Attraction" type situation, and probably less devastating to most spouses than a real affair. On the other hand, you might get lucky and just have very exciting, short term fling with great sex, and no consquences except maybe some guilt. But why take the risk? Believe, me I've seen things go badly with affairs. They can start off wonderful, then turn into nightmares.

 

[User#8628]

The general advise on TAG in past topics similar to this seems to have been "don't shit where you eat if you want to keep your job and marriage".

 

[User#12791]

I second avoiding "shitting where you eat." There's a potential of things getting messy. P4P is clean and easy.

 

[MikeH]

I don't see any red flag so far in your story.

It said "co-worker". Nuff said.

 

[e-smile]

It said "co-worker". Nuff said.

To me it's OK if they are in the same rank, sleeping with the boss would be a bad idea indeed. Also she knows he's married so she will understand what to avoid to not cause him problems.
I had two different affairs with co-worker and it was easier to deal with than others, I thought it was convenient in many ways.

 

[wraithfive]

I have some experience in this realm, not in having the affair as I was single at the time, but in being the "other man". In my case we were co-workers in the same department but under different managers. We met on a day out on the lake arranged by a mutual friend and there was a mutual instant attraction. We exchanged social media contact info and within an hour after we got home were sexting and met up the next weekend.

The sex was great, we both had a lot of fun together and enjoy talking and hanging out, but it was very difficult to enjoy time together outside my bedroom. She had to always worry that someone would see her and it would get back to her husband. At first trying to sneak around was fun but it loses it's charm pretty fast. Plus we still had to act totally normal at the office to avoid letting our co-workers know we were anything more than work acquaintances, which is more difficult than it sounds, as it's common knowledge that she was married. It very quickly got to be very stressful for both of us to maintain the situation.

She eventually ended it but we remain good friends, text all the time and usually have lunch together at least once a week.

Based on my experience it could be a bit of fun for a while, but quickly becomes way more stressful than it's worth for either party unless you actually plan on leaving your wife and can give up the sneaking around. P4P seems much simpler in this regard, but you do have large expenses to explain away. Also, I don't think our friendly happy ending is typical of the situation. I think it's much more likely that when you want to end it, you risk her taking some revenge in telling your co-workers or wife, or vice-versa your becoming so attached that when she ends it you expose things when your co-workers/wife pick up on your emotional state. So as good as things worked for me, I don't think I'd participate in such a thing again.

 

[e-smile]

I don't know if the part that stressed him would stress a married man, it's on the opposite the perfect situation for me to know she's as concerned about discretion as I am. The affairs that stressed me the most where those where the girl could call you anytime on your phone and expect you to meet her often. Those are the ones I had to stop.

 

[shyfirsttimer]

Thanks all for your insight. The job/co-worker thing is not really an issue. We are totally separate divisions and do not interact in any way regularly. In terms of jobs, she is definitely at a lower level than I am, and my job is in no real threat. I know plenty of people who have done much worse and only gotten a slap on the wrist. That said, I see that there is always some risk involved in these things.

I think the biggest issue is what wraithfive mentioned because it is something that concerns me. I would actually feel better about it if she was currently married so that we both had something at stake if it got out. As it is, she loses nothing, while I could lose a lot. We haven't really met up yet, but the prospect of someone seeing and being all secretive all the time is a worry. I also guess it is better to end it early rather than late, so I might just end it before it gets started.

The sad part is that this actually got me a little bit excited about life again. I became a bit chipper and I think even my wife noticed it. Just the fact that someone is approaching me made me feel younger and gave me a pep. If I end this, I might go back to being in my quasi-depressed life state.

The problem with P4P for me is that I live in the country side so it really isn't much of an option except when I get away. Sometimes things just build up too much! I indulged only a couple of times locally when I just couldn't really stand it. The money thing is also somewhat a mild concern, but I don't get to P4P often enough to make it a real problem where I am.

 

[User#12791]

The sad part is that this actually got me a little bit excited about life again. I became a bit chipper and I think even my wife noticed it. Just the fact that someone is approaching me made me feel younger and gave me a pep. If I end this, I might go back to being in my quasi-depressed life state.

I can relate to this the most personally out of everything else from your situation. I find that limiting your experiences with women to one woman only not only kills your sex drive, but dampers other unexpected parts of your life.

 

[WeebmanAU]

everyone wants to feel wanted in some shape or form, so it makes sense that you got extremely happy.
think about it this way, do you think this affair will make your life for the better or worse. the thrill of playing around while married is insane but ultimately you control the state of your own happiness.
you can't put blame on your marriage and its lack of sex if you're not actively trying to do better for yourself.

 

[wraithfive]

everyone wants to feel wanted in some shape or form, so it makes sense that you got extremely happy.
think about it this way, do you think this affair will make your life for the better or worse. the thrill of playing around while married is insane but ultimately you control the state of your own happiness.
you can't put blame on your marriage and its lack of sex if you're not actively trying to do better for yourself.

I agree with this.

The best advice I can give you is that your talking to the wrong people. Communication is key in any relationship, be it a marriage, an open relationship, even in a SB/SD arrangement.

The best way to deal with your marriage's lack of sex is to talk with your wife about it.

The best way to avoid the affair going bad is to talk things through with the woman in question.

 

[e-smile]

Thanks all for your insight. The job/co-worker thing is not really an issue. We are totally separate divisions and do not interact in any way regularly. In terms of jobs, she is definitely at a lower level than I am, and my job is in no real threat. I know plenty of people who have done much worse and only gotten a slap on the wrist. That said, I see that there is always some risk involved in these things.

I think the biggest issue is what wraithfive mentioned because it is something that concerns me. I would actually feel better about it if she was currently married so that we both had something at stake if it got out. As it is, she loses nothing, while I could lose a lot. We haven't really met up yet, but the prospect of someone seeing and being all secretive all the time is a worry. I also guess it is better to end it early rather than late, so I might just end it before it gets started.

The sad part is that this actually got me a little bit excited about life again. I became a bit chipper and I think even my wife noticed it. Just the fact that someone is approaching me made me feel younger and gave me a pep. If I end this, I might go back to being in my quasi-depressed life state.

The problem with P4P for me is that I live in the country side so it really isn't much of an option except when I get away. Sometimes things just build up too much! I indulged only a couple of times locally when I just couldn't really stand it. The money thing is also somewhat a mild concern, but I don't get to P4P often enough to make it a real problem where I am.

You need to tell yourself that you deserve some love and if your wife isn't giving it take it elswhere. If you want to preserve your marriage it's OK but it doesn't mean you have to abandon your happiness. You'd better be worried about cautiousness and excited by your affair than not worried and depressed with you married life.
You wife has decided she doesn't need a sexlife with you anymore, it's a decision she made for herself, not for you and it's your turn to make a decision for yourself. She wants the illusion of a marriage give her that and live your own life in discretion.

 

[e-smile]

I agree with this.

The best advice I can give you is that your talking to the wrong people. Communication is key in any relationship, be it a marriage, an open relationship, even in a SB/SD arrangement.

The best way to deal with your marriage's lack of sex is to talk with your wife about it.

The best way to avoid the affair going bad is to talk things through with the woman in question.

I don't think his wife will be desiring him more just because he talks about it. It may even be worse as she would feel under pressure.

I agree that communication is important in any relation but that's mainly to avoid misunderstanding. But I don't think there is any misunderstanding in the fact his wife doesn't want to have sex with him. If he wants her to want to have sex with him psychology and manipulation would work better than honest communication but that requires some skill and it's too mendokusai to be worth it.

 

[WeebmanAU]

But to base his unhappiness just on sex is a bit immature, no?
We are primal mammals so the desire is there to constantly fornicate and reproduce, but we also are humans. Sex is not necessarily a necessity and there are other ways to seek happiness.

 

[e-smile]

But to base his unhappiness just on sex is a bit immature, no?
We are primal mammals so the desire is there to constantly fornicate and reproduce, but we also are humans. Sex is not necessarily a necessity and there are other ways to seek happiness.

First of all sex is not for children so no unhappiness due to sex is not immature.

Secondly if it was just sex p4p or even masturbation would have been sufficient. It's clearly about more than sex, he probably needs to feel like a man again, to feel he's desired and to be given affection. That's a happiness you feel in your chest, the one you feel between your legs is ephemeral.

 

[Rusty Trombone]

What @e-smile says make a lot of sense to me, in a been there, done that way.

One factor not included is the level of craziness of the woman in question. @Coda87 mentions the "fatal attraction" situation, which is the absolute worst end of the spectrum. There is always some level of drama involved in these situations, especially as they play out. She may start out perfectly normal, as just a romp. But once feelings get involved, things can go south quickly.

The problem with P4P for me is that I live in the country side so it really isn't much of an option except when I get away.

For me this is the biggest issue you face. P4P is not the problem as you can generally get to a bigger center for P4P without too much hassle. If you live in a small town, then you don't want to be doing anything local. You WILL get caught. I have lived in a small town and I have caught people (in my case I was out for dinner and caught a couple (both married to other people) where he had his foot up between her legs under the kotatsu.)

 

[e-smile]

One factor not included is the level of craziness of the woman in question. @Coda87 mentions the "fatal attraction" situation, which is the absolute worst end of the spectrum. There is always some level of drama involved in these situations, especially as they play out. She may start out perfectly normal, as just a romp. But once feelings get involved, things can go south quickly.

Unfortunately this is a very realistic factor and I had to deal with it more than once. The worse one was a girl who knew I was married and seemed she was ok with it until she found out I was seeing another one and made a big drama about it. I had to change my phone number because of her.

 

[Wwanderer]

The best advice I can give you is that your talking to the wrong people. Communication is key in any relationship, be it a marriage, an open relationship, even in a SB/SD arrangement.

The best way to deal with your marriage's lack of sex is to talk with your wife about it.

The best way to avoid the affair going bad is to talk things through with the woman in question.

For me, likes are not even close to strong enough approval for the advice @wraithfive gives above.

-Ww

 

[shyfirsttimer]

Thanks again for all your replies. I should actually spend more time here listening too all of you. Seems like there is a lot of experience and wisdom here that I should have learned 20 years ago. (I'm such a nerd!)

Just to clarify a few things. First, my marriage is struggling from my perspective. It has been several years that I have been quite unhappy, and I cannot blame everything on my wife. Certainly, I think we as a pair are having difficulties communicating and relating to each other. Things just aren't well between us and it is hard to explain why that is the case. Lack of sex is only a symptom and I am as much to blame as anyone on that because, honestly, most of the time there are so many things that get in the way, perhaps in my mind and in hers. For me, I just don't connect well anymore with her.
I have brought up divorce a couple of times, and it is really painful for her to discuss it. It is clear that it is too painful, for me to see her in such pain when we devolve in that discussion. She offered for me to leave and move somewhere else if it would make me happier and I declined. I am not sure why, mostly because I didn't think carefully about it. I probably should have just said yes, and I might come back to it at some point. So, you are all right, sex is not the problem, my relationship is the problem. The kids are the real problem for me, though, because they are so important to me that they are the real reason I am still married. I do know that I could lose them forever with this action and in a divorce because they will probably go to my wife and I will lose custody and visitation rights in Japan.

I think in this case, I am going to communicate more with her about all the concerns and stuff before anything happens too far. Just to make sure we are on the same page.
At the same time, if I psychoanalyze myself, I am thinking that this is just me trying to find a way out of my marriage. If I force it by doing something like this, I would avoid the discussions, even if the pain is there or worse. She would file for divorce rather than me. Sad, but I bet internally, there is something like that going on.

Anyway, thanks for letting me explore my thoughts on here a bit and getting your feedback. You have all been very helpful.

 

[WeebmanAU]

good to hear you're thinking more actively about such issues in your life.
I recommend taking time to watch romance flicks just if you need more perspective on things that you can learn and/or do better

I don't like chick flicks myself but sometimes getting the brain jogging and seeing varieties of human experiences do help with introspection

 

[macdaddymeister]

Whatever you decide to pursue and don't want to screw up your current marriage remember to keep no receipts, lock your bag up with your personal belongings in them if you do the hotel deal, delete each and every conversation/text message/email/call log before going home and make sure she doesn't know where you live as she can definitely blackmail you and screw your life/marriage up.

 

[wraithfive]

Hope things work out for you.

 

[roots reggae]

It said "co-worker". Nuff said.

I say the OP should consult the eminent TAG specialist with ample experience in this area.