How to handle falling for your SB?

Discussion in 'Sugar and Compensated Dating Arrangements' started by Coda87, Apr 18, 2019.

  1. Coda87

    Coda87 TAG Member

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    So I met an adorable SB, we have great chemistry, always have good times when we are together about once or twice a week. She is much younger than I, less than half my age. And we've been sugar dating about 4 months now.

    I have no illusions that we could ever have real bf/gf relationship. And I'm not trying to figure out a plan on how she can be my real girlfriend. The problem is that I'm starting to have some romantic feelings for her. I suppose its natural to begin to have these feelings with someone that is sweet to you and that you are intimate with on a regular basis. But those one sided romantic feelings are making me uncomfortable, a bit jealous, making me imagine things about her. I've talked to her about how I feel without trying to make a big deal about it. She has been very gentle and understanding. But basically said she has a hard time having romantic feelings for anyone including me.

    Anyone have advice on how I temper these feelings? I understand the situation and what logically, my expectations should be. Im concerned my feelings for her will get out of control and spoil what we have. I really do not want to stop seeing her.

    I imagine this also happens the other way around, where the SB falls for the SD.
    Would be great to hear how SB's handle this, both ways.
     
    #1 Coda87, Apr 18, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2019
  2. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    Welcome to the club...
    Hard to tackle situation isn’t it? The irony is that often we go into sugaring precisely to avoid the complexity and attachments of « normal » relationships , and bam! You get to want this with a SB, and know it’s impossible...

    In hindsight maybe you should not have told anything about your feelings (personally I regret I did) but that’s too late anyway.
    Your rational part will always know it’s hopeless, but the other part will still cling to an illusion.

    You may feel jealous even if you agreed exclusivity is not required, You may feel pathetic because it is unrequited love and you feel she does not give enough attention and affection compared to what you expect, and you will also beat yourself up because you know you expect too much... And it’s unfair to her.

    You may even feel you showed way too much of your vulnerabilities and that she takes advantage of those feelings, and then you may get angry at her and at yourself , sometimes justifiably, often just because you make movies in your head, and you become even more aggressive and miserable as a result.

    ... but you will also have great times along the way. And that’s what makes it so difficult.

    If your goal is sincerely to tame those feelings and fix boundaries this is the list of what I wish I had done in your situation (but I’m just one data point and all relationships are different), as I probably did all the mistakes possible and then some.
    - see her less
    - see others more, earlier in the story
    - catch yourself when you get obsessed or jealous etc... just force yourself to do something else (not drinking , which makes things worse): gym, meeting friends, watching a good movie etc...
    - do not entangle your life too much with hers: keep the dates simple and light . If you get to the point when you share too much about each other’s life, or you try to help her with personal issues and confide in yours, if you start to worry or be upset if you don’t get prompt answers to your messages etc... this is not just sugaring anymore
    - do not fool yourself that you could be the only one or even the main one. Do not expect exclusivity. If she has another SD to whom she promised exclusivity, get out. If she says she cannot love anyone but you find out she actually has a BF, get out. You don’t want to be even more pathetic and find yourself in potentially risky situations vs other guys.
    - if you feel it’s becoming one-sided not just in terms of feelings but in the overall « economics » of the arrangement, get out. You may get played, more or less consciously and even if she’s overall a good person. Examples: being asked gifts and favors because « you’re friends » , but if you want extra sex or affection « well, it’s P4P you know ». Lateness, no-shows, spending way too much time on her phone, always you initiating intimacy never her etc... all this shows you become a tad too much taken for granted if not plainly taken for a fool, or you just got boring for her, just an ATM. Then get the hell out.

    ... but hey, it could also become a very good and fulfilling relationship if both of you know the boundaries and keep it light. Good luck!
     
    #2 Frenchy, Apr 18, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2019
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  3. Coda87

    Coda87 TAG Member

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    Ahh, now if I think back this is what caused my feelings to change. Although we do not have any agreement about exclusivity, I felt really jealous when she mentioned another SD offered a date with her.
    I'm not sure if she dated him. But ever since then is when I started feeling this way.

    Thanks so much Frenchy for the great reply. I can tell you really went through the same situation. A lot of the things you mentioned mirror whats happening to me now.
     
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  4. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    Thanks. One last advice maybe: don’t keep too much those frustrations to yourself. Mention it to her immediately if you think something is out of line or you just don’t want to hear about. You may appear as a grumpy uncle from time to time but better to do this (for both of you) than repressing and getting nuclear later. It is indeed a paid relationship so you can be a bit more straightforward about what you want and do no want to get
     
    #4 Frenchy, Apr 18, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2019
  5. Coda87

    Coda87 TAG Member

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    Here is an update on my situation. Just as I was coming to terms with this by checking my expectations, accepting the relationship for what it really is, SB drops two more bombs on me.

    1)Bomb #1 - She said she is thinking about becoming a stripper/exotic dancer. This was the smaller bomb. Basically I told her, her decision, but be careful in that shady world. I don't like it but at the same time there is some illicit thrill/excitement about it.

    2) Bomb #2 - she slipped and said something that let me figure out she saw another SD. We have no agreement about being exclusive. But we did agree to at least let each other know beforehand, if we decide to see another SD/SB. And a few weeks ago she did tell me another SD made her and offer. I asked why she didn't tell me that she accepted and went through with it. But her excuse if you can even call it that, is that she just did not get around to it but was planning to tell me. I suspect, she was afraid to tell me for fear of me bailing out of the arrangement. I was not really angry, but just told her I was hurt and disappointed because I thought I could trust her. She was very remorseful, apologized repeatedly, cried, and it appeared to be all with sincerity. Said she only saw him once. And she promised to let always let me know going forward if she dates other SD. By the way, this disclosure agreement was her idea in the beginning, not mine.

    So I decided I'll still continue to see her, and hopefully I can still enjoy our time like before. I'm really attracted to her, sex is crazy good, and we do really get along well. But geez, things are stackin up to make me have second thoughts about her. Hope the bombing is over for now.
     
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  6. oLUXo

    oLUXooLUXo is a Verified Member Looking for sugar

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    That's why I try to accommodate a monthly allowance that is good with them with no limits or how often we could meet. This way, you can see often and be occupied together. Paying per meet forces you to limit the times you can meet. I prefer having a real gf like experience with a SB. For example, it helps to meet at least 2 times a week and sometimes a third depending on work, etc. I haven't tried sugaring in Hawaii, but I guess the rates are about the same here or cheaper?

    I go to Hawaii sometimes, but not enough to find a SB there.
     
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  7. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    Thanks for the update. Hope you two will work it out. You both agreed (kind of) to be transparent about the extra SBs and SDs. But maybe one thing you need to ask yourself is ... do you really want to know? (and tell?). I was like you at the beginning, thinking it’s better to be open, cool about it, know as much as possible etc... but in hindsight I’m not so sure now.
    Sometimes ignorance really is bliss...
     
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  8. Simonka

    SimonkaSimonka is a Verified Member Independent European Companion

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    I think you don’t sound delusional at all and there’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings as long as you don’t turn into a boundary pusher.

    The jealousy part I can’t relate because I don’t like imprisoning people into monogamy. And I’m a dirty girl who actually likes watching men having sex with other pretty girls. :)

    If it was me, I would probably suffer and would try to hide it as best as I could for the fear of interfering with someone’s private life. On top of that I have a habit of getting delirious in the initial phase of falling in love. I would probably just listen to really sad songs and hide my tears behind a pair of dark sunglasses as I’m having long walks in sunset and feeling the wind hit my face :D Not sure if it’s a good or even healthy advice tho..
     
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    #8 Simonka, Apr 28, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2019
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  9. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    Interesting. How « delirious » would you get? :)
    I have been a boundary pusher and not proud of it (well, she was too but in a different, more materialistic way): say if you were a SB to a SD who starts to have feelings for you and tell you so (and you don’t feel the same for him), how would you react?
     
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  10. Majestyk

    Majestyk TAG Member

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    That would be some intense suffering, like the one depicted in Toni Braxton (Unbreak My Heart) and Adele (Someone Like You) songs.

    And I totally understand it. I’ve shared on another thread last year about my two failed relationships with former professional ladies. The hardest part was to push myself to move on right after a break-up. It got easier after.

    I almost got too deep with another lady recently in Tokyo, but I had to sever ties based on the lessons I learned from my previous experiences. Hurt like hell at the start, but I’m glad my work keeps me occupied. I admit it would’ve been more difficult if I lived in Japan.

    So for the OP, I suggest moving on. It will never really be the same with her after those two bombshells you described. You’ll be fine.

    Life is too short for second thoughts and drama.
     
  11. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    ... Wise, wish I had the same reflex a couple of times before the final break-up.
    But for Coda87 it might be different after all, if he understands that what she really wants is just to maximize cashflows opportunities, and if he is OK with it (a big if, granted).
    Also I think in these cases we tend to idealize (even idolize) the girl too much, turning a blind eye on the flaws and somehow hoping that beyond P4P they are serious about a job or studies or supporting a relative or at least saving for later etc... And sometimes it’s really the case. But very often it’s just playing the numbers game and not caring for much else. This is where I draw the line now.
     
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  12. Coda87

    Coda87 TAG Member

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    Thanks everyone for your comments. Im not ready to move on yet with her. I suppose if she becomes a stripper and sees SDs besides me Ill reconsider or my feelings about her will change. Then it will be easier to let go. But for now, things are still good for both of us :)
     
  13. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    Enjoy ! (y)
     
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  14. Joe2017

    Joe2017 Lost in translations

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    As the song goes... Regrets, just a few.
    Carpe diem.
     
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  15. Desktop

    DesktopDesktop is a Verified Member TAG Member

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    I view it as what she is doing she feels doesn’t involve you. It also screams “I need more money & I am thinking about how to get it”.
    You might not even know the real reason she became a SB in the first place. Your money might be supporting a kid back home living with her momma.
    I don’t suggest the extra money has to come from you either. My point of view is based on her saying to you: You know what I just might become a stripper...
     
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  16. Coda87

    Coda87 TAG Member

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    When I first started sugar dating her, she had a regular part time job at a retail store. So between that job and what I provided she seemed ok financially. Then she got laid off and has not yet found a another job. Not sure why, because the job market here is really tight, economy is good, so relatively easy to find entry level jobs . She doesn't have any kids, and lives with relatives at a discounted rent.

    So yeah, without a regular job she does need more money. And I've tried to make up for some of it by getting her more gifts, clothes, etc in addition to what I give her already. I keep encouraging her to get at least a another part time job, or go to college, get some job skill training, or even start a small business (maybe with some help/guidance from me). But seems like she would rather make more income sugar dating or stripping. She really likes sex and is and exhibitionist, so I can understand why she thinks those things would not be difficult for her to do. But Maybe she is just lazy.

    And I also think you are right that she feels her life outside our arrangement is her own life. I understand that , and have a separate life too. But at the same time, she knows that I would not like it if she dated other SDs and stripped, even though I made it clear she can do what she wants, I just want to know what's going on so I can decide to do what I want. And I definitely did not communicate that as an ultimatum from me. See, if I did not have feelings for her, it probably would not bother me as much.

    Now I see one big advantage in just seeing escorts, no feelings involved, and don't have to care what they or you do except for being courteous/polite to each other. Wish I lived in Tokyo, then would not need to turn to sugar dating.
     
  17. User#8628

    User#8628 TAG Member

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    I think a “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangement would be better.
    Obviously you don’t like to hear about her seeing someone else so its better not to talk about it.
    However, she proposed to tell you and then she didn’t so its weird. But i think she may have read your mood when she mentioned the offer ans legit has been afraid to hurt you.

    I think its not really fair to expect exclusivity if you are married yourself.
    Sure, there are enough guys who do expect that because they are paying and if it works it works but especially if you’re emotionally attached to each other it’s probably even safer for your personal life if she is not exclusively involved with you.
     
  18. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    Allelujah! I finally succeeded in using the quote function properly ! (After years on TAG , yeah, I’m that retarded! :))

    So what you wrote is also exactly how I felt with mine vs others too. And come to think if it , it’s unfair and a bit hypocritical. I loathed myself many times for having this silly infatuation. Why caring so much how many guys she saw (I have other SBs too, and I don’t care in their case) or why she preferred to sugar-date so much instead of spending more time on her studies or finding a regular job etc... it’s her life after all. (And obvious answer: yeah the money and perks are better and it’s usually more fun)

    BUT it’s not so much the extra-sugaring in itself that’s the issue , you may find out later that in order to accumulate as many daddies as she can cram into her schedule , the quality of the dates you two have will decrease (less attention / affection for you), and lying will inevitably become a pattern (not just to you but also to the others...) mine had promised exclusivity to another, then casually told me this other SD has yakuza friends... feel so nice and safe huh? :D
     
    #18 Frenchy, Apr 30, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2019
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  19. User#8628

    User#8628 TAG Member

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    Why would that be lazy?
    Being a dancer is physically way harder than working in a store!
    Lots of work outs, long nights... This is a real job and ambition.
    I don’t think she seems desperate for money at all. Rather, with stars like Cardi B nowadays, stripper might be a hot carreer for young women.

    I’d personally say power to girls who choose a nightlife carreer over having a retail job or one SD.
    Whats a better way of starting your own business eventually than being able to do so with your own capital you have saved from stripping and hoeing? I’d say smart move!
     
  20. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    Yeah, if she does save it indeed . Stripping and hoeing are not exactly long-term career plans.
     
  21. Coda87

    Coda87 TAG Member

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    I get what you are saying. Thanks for your honest opinions too. And I'm really not putting her down (or any women who wants to escort/strip) for doing what she wants. I sincerely do keep telling her she can do what she wants.. But I just want to know if she is going to see other SDs because that's what we agreed to from the beginning.

    And I meant lazy because she lost her job 4 months ago, and has not decided to do anything about it since then.

    Anyway the point of my post was not so much how do I try control what she does. I know that it's not fair for me to expect exclusivity from her. But feelings and what is logical/fair don't always align. So I look at this as my problem and how I can deal with it. It's more about what do I do, versus what should I try to persuade her to do. So advice like "don't ask, don't tell" is one possible solution and appreciated. If thats what was agreed to in the beginning, it probably would have been better. But too late now. Maybe the next SB should be this way.
     
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  22. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    Sad but true :(
     
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  23. Simonka

    SimonkaSimonka is a Verified Member Independent European Companion

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    Stripping is definitely not for lazy women. There are so many baby strippers who think they will just walk in, and guys will start showering them with money. That’s definitely not the case. You may get some “new girl” attention for a while, but after a month you need to start hustling. You have to be in good physique, a good conversationalist and mentally strong to deal with rejection and competition. Sure, you can do drugs and offer extras in the private room but those girls end up getting sick or turning into addicts. Personally stripping is worth it if you will make at least half a grand per night (and my goal would be close to a grand) and to make this happen in a “clean” way you have to be anything but lazy.
     
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  24. Joe2017

    Joe2017 Lost in translations

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    Stripping and pool dancing is a very hard job, not a joke. Just watch Momo video and you will see how hard and risky it is.
     
    #24 Joe2017, May 2, 2019
    Last edited: May 2, 2019
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  25. wazawaza

    wazawaza TAG Member

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    I choose having a SB because I enjoy having a mental as well as physical relationship with that person, getting to know them over time, even if not a traditional boyfriend/girlfriend situation.

    But forming an attachment is part and parcel of that, meaning it is hard when it comes to an end, no matter how much you know it is going to finish at some time.

    I have an ex-SB that ended our arrangement when she met someone she wanted to settle down with. I was really happy for her, but at the same time it was hard to let go as we had been together for about 2 years. We had one last dinner and haven’t communicated since.

    I’m extremely grateful to have had those couple of years and wouldn’t change anything - I have lots of fun times and great memories to remember.
     
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