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How to handle falling for your SB?

I choose having a SB because I enjoy having a mental as well as physical relationship with that person, getting to know them over time, even if not a traditional boyfriend/girlfriend situation.

But forming an attachment is part and parcel of that, meaning it is hard when it comes to an end, no matter how much you know it is going to finish at some time.

I have an ex-SB that ended our arrangement when she met someone she wanted to settle down with. I was really happy for her, but at the same time it was hard to let go as we had been together for about 2 years. We had one last dinner and haven’t communicated since.

I’m extremely grateful to have had those couple of years and wouldn’t change anything - I have lots of fun times and great memories to remember.

Lucky man!
Didnt you try to at least stay friends?
Tried with mine, even gave her a small job for a few weeks which she liked and I paid well. I was feeling guilty for the way I treated her in the end, and really wanted to reconcile.
Alas another thing happened which pissed me off again and now we don’t communicate anymore.
 
I choose having a SB because I enjoy having a mental as well as physical relationship with that person, getting to know them over time, even if not a traditional boyfriend/girlfriend situation.

But forming an attachment is part and parcel of that, meaning it is hard when it comes to an end, no matter how much you know it is going to finish at some time.

I have an ex-SB that ended our arrangement when she met someone she wanted to settle down with. I was really happy for her, but at the same time it was hard to let go as we had been together for about 2 years. We had one last dinner and haven’t communicated since.

I’m extremely grateful to have had those couple of years and wouldn’t change anything - I have lots of fun times and great memories to remember.
Wow, that sounds like a pretty perfect sugar scenario. A little bittersweet but a happy ending nonetheless.
 
Lucky man!
Didnt you try to at least stay friends?
Tried with mine, even gave her a small job for a few weeks which she liked and I paid well. I was feeling guilty for the way I treated her in the end, and really wanted to reconcile.
Alas another thing happened which pissed me off again and now we don’t communicate anymore.

I would have loved to remain friends...but of course it wouldn’t have been to just be friends. I would have still wanted to spend time with her, and that would have likely ended with the relationship ending on a bad note. This way I can look back on a fun time with lots of good memories and enjoy it for that. Trying to be friends would have been unfair on her partner too.

But it would be quite nice to bump into her in Tokyo at some time in the future, hopefully at a time when she is married with kids, and catch up on news.
 
I choose having a SB because I enjoy having a mental as well as physical relationship with that person, getting to know them over time, even if not a traditional boyfriend/girlfriend situation.

But forming an attachment is part and parcel of that, meaning it is hard when it comes to an end, no matter how much you know it is going to finish at some time.

I have an ex-SB that ended our arrangement when she met someone she wanted to settle down with. I was really happy for her, but at the same time it was hard to let go as we had been together for about 2 years. We had one last dinner and haven’t communicated since.

I’m extremely grateful to have had those couple of years and wouldn’t change anything - I have lots of fun times and great memories to remember.

Wow that's very bittersweet. Reminds me of the saying "Don't be sad for the loss, Be glad for the experience" Can't remember whose quote that is. I know I will have some really sweet memories of times spent with my current SB.
 
Imma try keep it short (edit: impossible) but you kinda already broke the first rule.
Its natural to get feelings about anyone its human.
But you falling for her, is essantialy you forgetting what this is really about, if you can truly grasp that, it should get your mind in the right direction.
And im not saying it cant be a great time for you both - thats kinda the goal. And even if you both enjoy it DONT forget why she is there dont get delusional.

And also remember that i can be on a date with her right now and she will be just as sweet to me. Because she is professional and thats her job.
Granted that you treat her well too.

Most of us dont have to do it this way probably including you, but there is reasons for it, to basically cut out that part you have been caught in or rather to enjoy it in the moment without the pretty high rate of emotional hurt in the end.
And to crave that specific part from a professional is just not the way to go.

If she is good at her profession this is exactly how you should feel. But enjoy those feelings in the moment, dont keep them with you when she leave. I honestly sometimes wonder how they put up with all of this, it must be mentally draining. Just how we can tell when a girl slowly starts to fall for you and you just think "Oh please no" but you still got a heart so its hard to be honest. And now money/income is involved too, like i said dont get delusional, we all need money in the end too just as to feel these feelings every now and then.
 
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Imma try keep it short (edit: impossible) but you kinda already broke the first rule.
Its natural to get feelings about anyone its human.
But you falling for her, is essantialy you forgetting what this is really about, if you can truly grasp that, it should get your mind in the right direction.
And im not saying it cant be a great time for you both - thats kinda the goal. And even if you both enjoy it DONT forget why she is there dont get delusional.

And also remember that i can be on a date with her right now and she will be just as sweet to me. Because she is professional and thats her job.
Granted that you treat her well too.

Most of us dont have to do it this way probably including you, but there is reasons for it, to basically cut out that part you have been caught in or rather to enjoy it in the moment without the pretty high rate of emotional hurt in the end.
And to crave that specific part from a professional is just not the way to go.

If she is good at her profession this is exactly how you should feel. But enjoy those feelings in the moment, dont keep them with you when she leave. I honestly sometimes wonder how they put up with all of this, it must be mentally draining. Just how we can tell when a girl slowly starts to fall for you and you just think "Oh please no" but you still got a heart so its hard to be honest. And now money/income is involved too, like i said dont get delusional, we all need money in the end too just as to feel these feelings every now and then.
I broadly agree with what you wrote but remember that it’s easier said than done : we don’t choose those feelings , heck in the case of OP and what I experienced too we are either wary of them or even hate ourselves for having them. It’s so ridiculous right? What can we realistically hope for? Suffering in silence or exploding sometime down the line because we would feel there is no genuine reciprocity and there can’t be.

Also most SBs are not really professional (and I mean that both positively and negatively) . They choose their SDs too, that’s what meet and greet meetings are for. With a pro you just make an appointment, pay, have your fun, she kinda gives a GFE even if she finds you repulsive and that’s it.

Finally I know that, without talking about romance and the whole shebang, some kind of affectionate feelings from the SB are possible, it’s not strictly just about the money all the time as much as for us it’s not strictly just about sex all the time either. And when those feelings are in sync , no one being either a love junkie or a love dealer , but simply equal affection and gratitude on both sides, that’s when this type of relationship is great. Because you can get the benefits of a real BF/GF experience without all the emotional garbage.
 
we don’t choose those feelings , heck in the case of OP and what I experienced too we are either wary of them or even hate ourselves for having them. It’s so ridiculous right? What can we realistically hope for? Suffering in silence or exploding sometime down the line because we would feel there is no genuine reciprocity and there can’t be.

I think we do choose at least some of our feelings. Not like click yes or no to have the feeling, but in general context of our lives and behaviour. Like when we fell in love, isn't it usually when we are single or not happy with the current relationship and just at that time someone walks into our lives and bang, you're head over heels? And when you are happily engaged and the same person walks in and nothing happens? I have even been in a situation where I actively avoided falling in love with a girl who was pretty much what I had been looking for all my life.

So if you are aware of your feelings there is a lot what you can do. And it seems to me you are already doing a lot to avoid those feelings yourself by recognising it as a problem.
 
Im thinking about just taking break from seeing her a couple weeks. Then see how I feel.

And I logically understand and agree with what truehentai posted. I’ve reminded myself many times, “she is only seeing you for the money”. Sometimes im ok with it. Then other times the feelings mess with me.

I will try to just think of her as an escort that Ive become friends with.
 
Im thinking about just taking break from seeing her a couple weeks. Then see how I feel.

And I logically understand and agree with what truehentai posted. I’ve reminded myself many times, “she is only seeing you for the money”. Sometimes im ok with it. Then other times the feelings mess with me.

I will try to just think of her as an escort that Ive become friends with.

Well by experience an escort that you befriended and who became your SB is a very good configuration. The one in this case I know is actually my longest “partner”’(escort + SB periods combined) and we never had a tussle, no boundary overstepped etc... I like her and she likes me but that’s it. Good friends with reciprocal benefits! :)
 
I think we do choose at least some of our feelings. Not like click yes or no to have the feeling, but in general context of our lives and behaviour. Like when we fell in love, isn't it usually when we are single or not happy with the current relationship and just at that time someone walks into our lives and bang, you're head over heels? And when you are happily engaged and the same person walks in and nothing happens? I have even been in a situation where I actively avoided falling in love with a girl who was pretty much what I had been looking for all my life.

So if you are aware of your feelings there is a lot what you can do. And it seems to me you are already doing a lot to avoid those feelings yourself by recognising it as a problem.

This actually made me wonder a lot. Thanks Mikey for making my (few) brain cells overheat. Yeah, you’re right, there is some « the right person at the right time » element to it , not sure Coda or I would have been so smitten if initial situations had been different (not that I know his own of course).

The problem is that by definition a SB will be the wrong person no matter what (ok I except the 0.1% odd chance that the girl also falls for her SD). Hence better to keep the feelings untold and not go too deep with the personal stuff.

But if you truely think you found the girl you were looking for all your life (a rather grandiose statement , my friend :D) why did you actively try not to fall in love then? Already taken / not mutual? Or she was a P4P lady too?
 
But if you truely think you found the girl you were looking for all your life (a rather grandiose statement , my friend :D) why did you actively try not to fall in love then? Already taken / not mutual?

Isn't it always grandiose when you are in the brink of falling in love? :D

Combination of things; the biggest one was we were both with other people at that time. And even in that time I had found out that going from one girl to another does not solve your relationship problems, just pauses them for a bit. But we were also working in the same company which is never a good idea in my mind.

Unfortunately it was mutual, and that made it even more difficult. A smart good looking spinner shows she is interested and you have to try to gently turn her down. Well, she understood and everything was cool and I managed to get over it too. At least almost. :D
 
I have no illusions that we could ever have real bf/gf relationship. And I'm not trying to figure out a plan on how she can be my real girlfriend. The problem is that I'm starting to have some romantic feelings for her.

I'm not an expert but this has happened to me 100% of the time I've been in a sugar dating "thing". If you're not under any illusions about really starting up a serious relationship then my advice is maintain a bit of detachment. It's better for your mental health.

My second time around with this type of arrangement was much better than the first go because I just went in with a more casual attitude and was determined to make fun the priority, nothing else. Knowing it all might blow up and end suddenly can actually make you appreciate stuff more in a weird way.

Just my 2 cents.
 
I'm not an expert but this has happened to me 100% of the time I've been in a sugar dating "thing". If you're not under any illusions about really starting up a serious relationship then my advice is maintain a bit of detachment. It's better for your mental health.

My second time around with this type of arrangement was much better than the first go because I just went in with a more casual attitude and was determined to make fun the priority, nothing else. Knowing it all might blow up and end suddenly can actually make you appreciate stuff more in a weird way.

Just my 2 cents.

Yes, I'm trying very hard to keep it lowkey and try to not fall any deeper. When I am with her, I forgot all these bothersome thoughts and we really do have fun. Its' when I am not with her that's the problem. If I can just stop thinking about it, and keep my mouth shut, lol.
 
Yes, I'm trying very hard to keep it lowkey and try to not fall any deeper. When I am with her, I forgot all these bothersome thoughts and we really do have fun. Its' when I am not with her that's the problem. If I can just stop thinking about it, and keep my mouth shut, lol.
We have all been there - in one way or another ...
 
We have all been there - in one way or another ...

Yep. Still messing my head. It’s ridiculous. 4 months after a break-up I wanted and initiated (and frankly should have done sooner). Everything else going better... Job, family, finances, friends , other ladies more affectionate and respectful etc... So WHY THE FUCK I’M STILL STUCKED thinking of that one?! :(

Sorry Coda to hijack your thread with my little whining and bitching. Well maybe it can be a good warning at least, and perfect example of what not to do in this situation...
Indeed try not to think too much about it and keep your mouth shut, you gave yourself the best advice.
 
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No problem Frenchy. Glad to have your input. What ive done lately with my SB is say less about my “feelings”. But i do politely tell her what i expect/want as far as her actions. And she has been trying her best to comply. So its all good for now anyway.
 
No problem Frenchy. Glad to have your input. What ive done lately with my SB is say less about my “feelings”. But i do politely tell her what i expect/want as far as her actions. And she has been trying her best to comply. So its all good for now anyway.

Long time we haven’t heard from you @Coda87 .. Hope you two are still doing well !

Here I received the most comical , award-worthy -and totally believable :D - last words message to end all last words messages ever written...
(Well maybe there were some more after that but if so they went directly to the spam box) :
The best part:

My life has been so much better without you ... I just paid for my BF to come on a business class 6 week trip..., we had the best time. Having loving passionate sex everyday in our awesome villas and hotels

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
 
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I see it as pretty similar to getting feelings for a FWB that was only supposed to be a "u up? *eggplant emoji*" at 3am sort of relationship. Definitely against the very essence of the dynamic but something that happens /very/ often, and something that I've fallen prey to a few times. I've been in the position of it being completely unreciprocated so I totally get where you're coming from. I don't think it was full on love, but I could feel the romantic feelings starting to develop. I told the lady in question how I was feeling and initially she seemed to be open to dating, only to change her mind a few weeks later. It stung a lot and I spent a decent bit of time waffling back and forth between giving myself some distance from her vs continuing. In the end I did the following:
*Told her that I didn't actually feel that strongly for her and apologize for coming on too strong
*Continued hooking up with her, resisted the urge to cuddle too much + kiss goodbye
*Ended up messaging her during a layover on my way to Japan that I lied and actually still had pretty strong feelings for her, but that it was ok because I needed to get it off my chest before starting my exciting new life abroad.

The first two were pretty stupid I think, but the last one did actually help me get over her pretty quickly. I knew I wouldn't be seeing her anytime soon and it gave me a chance to clear my conscious so to speak, and start looking for someone else. I think that for you, it's really important to take stock of your own emotions. Consider past crushes, what caused them to fade and what caused them to fire up. If you have more mental self control than I do, you might be able to take some space, come to complete peace with the direction the SB/SD dynamic is going in, and continue seeing her. However, if you're more weak willed like me...well some hurt might be on the horizon.

From a former SB point of view: It's very important to not try and exert control over her, as you wrote you have been careful not to do. My very first SD fell very hard for me and ended up making a lot of huge life decisions based on me. I practically begged him not to because I didn't feel the same degree of seriousness towards him but he didn't listen. It turned into a very unhealthy dynamic of him constantly professing his love, guilt tripping me for not feeling the same way, and then threatening to kill himself. You definitely don't seem like the type to do this as you have expressed concern with making your SB feel uncomfortable. Echoing what I said above, I would try and keep a close eye on your feelings and the way that you interact with her.

If her talking about other SDs bothers you, tell her upfront that you would prefer not to hear about it; I don't think this is an unreasonable request at all. However with don't ask don't tell dynamics, it's also important for you not to ever press her for information. If she says she has somewhere to be at 3pm, don't try and squeeze any details out of her because you'll likely just end up feeling jealous. Try not to become too familiar with her personal life/goings ons and keep a bit of distance.
 
I see it as pretty similar to getting feelings for a FWB that was only supposed to be a "u up? *eggplant emoji*" at 3am sort of relationship. Definitely against the very essence of the dynamic but something that happens /very/ often, and something that I've fallen prey to a few times. I've been in the position of it being completely unreciprocated so I totally get where you're coming from. I don't think it was full on love, but I could feel the romantic feelings starting to develop. I told the lady in question how I was feeling and initially she seemed to be open to dating, only to change her mind a few weeks later. It stung a lot and I spent a decent bit of time waffling back and forth between giving myself some distance from her vs continuing. In the end I did the following:
*Told her that I didn't actually feel that strongly for her and apologize for coming on too strong
*Continued hooking up with her, resisted the urge to cuddle too much + kiss goodbye
*Ended up messaging her during a layover on my way to Japan that I lied and actually still had pretty strong feelings for her, but that it was ok because I needed to get it off my chest before starting my exciting new life abroad.

The first two were pretty stupid I think, but the last one did actually help me get over her pretty quickly. I knew I wouldn't be seeing her anytime soon and it gave me a chance to clear my conscious so to speak, and start looking for someone else. I think that for you, it's really important to take stock of your own emotions. Consider past crushes, what caused them to fade and what caused them to fire up. If you have more mental self control than I do, you might be able to take some space, come to complete peace with the direction the SB/SD dynamic is going in, and continue seeing her. However, if you're more weak willed like me...well some hurt might be on the horizon.

From a former SB point of view: It's very important to not try and exert control over her, as you wrote you have been careful not to do. My very first SD fell very hard for me and ended up making a lot of huge life decisions based on me. I practically begged him not to because I didn't feel the same degree of seriousness towards him but he didn't listen. It turned into a very unhealthy dynamic of him constantly professing his love, guilt tripping me for not feeling the same way, and then threatening to kill himself. You definitely don't seem like the type to do this as you have expressed concern with making your SB feel uncomfortable. Echoing what I said above, I would try and keep a close eye on your feelings and the way that you interact with her.

If her talking about other SDs bothers you, tell her upfront that you would prefer not to hear about it; I don't think this is an unreasonable request at all. However with don't ask don't tell dynamics, it's also important for you not to ever press her for information. If she says she has somewhere to be at 3pm, don't try and squeeze any details out of her because you'll likely just end up feeling jealous. Try not to become too familiar with her personal life/goings ons and keep a bit of distance.

Well thought out post. I suppose that in the scenario described by @Coda87 you would have done well because you have been in the opposite situation.
Not ignoring nor mocking (or even worse taking advantage of) the other’s feelings , but keeping some clear boundaries.
Must have been hard with the kind of behavior you described from this crazy SD..
there’s quite a difference between showing some vulnerability and expressing feelings you don’t really want to feel in fact.... and getting full on enamored and suicidal!
 
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Hi All

Unfortunately my situation with my SB has not resolved the way I wanted. Things calmed down for a few weeks. But then she brought up the idea of being stripper again. She became friends with a girl who is already dancing and that continually encourages her to also become a dancer, ie she bought my SB stripper high heels as a gift and letting her practice pole dancing at her home. And just last week she told me her stripper friend and husband want to date her. She said she hasnt decided but i know she is getting closer to them and probably will. Anyway I told her thats just too much for me and I would not be interested in seeing her if she was in a poly relationship. Her friend is also on Seeking and who knows who the friends husband is sleeping around with. I dont have anything against polyamory, but just dont wanna be part of it my SB is the nexus in all these relationships. Too much std risk and uncomfortable for me.
Besides, shes only 21 and i feel like she is holding back things she wants to do on acct of me.

Its too bad as we really get along well. But i think im gonna end it soon. I already reactivated my Seeking acct to premium status and been poking around to see whose on there.

So just been feeling blue the last couple weeks, knowing that a good SR is coming to and end soon.
 
Hi All

Unfortunately my situation with my SB has not resolved the way I wanted. Things calmed down for a few weeks. But then she brought up the idea of being stripper again. She became friends with a girl who is already dancing and that continually encourages her to also become a dancer, ie she bought my SB stripper high heels as a gift and letting her practice pole dancing at her home. And just last week she told me her stripper friend and husband want to date her. She said she hasnt decided but i know she is getting closer to them and probably will. Anyway I told her thats just too much for me and I would not be interested in seeing her if she was in a poly relationship. Her friend is also on Seeking and who knows who the friends husband is sleeping around with. I dont have anything against polyamory, but just dont wanna be part of it my SB is the nexus in all these relationships. Too much std risk and uncomfortable for me.
Besides, shes only 21 and i feel like she is holding back things she wants to do on acct of me.

Its too bad as we really get along well. But i think im gonna end it soon. I already reactivated my Seeking acct to premium status and been poking around to see whose on there.

So just been feeling blue the last couple weeks, knowing that a good SR is coming to and end soon.

Sad to hear that, but thanks for the update. Of course we all have different red lines and comfort zones so don’t want to appear judgmental... however as mentioned earlier by others you may be a bit too strict regarding the whole stripping thing : it really is a job , in a way healthier in my opinion than constantly chasing new guys on SA for a living. And so many men would love to date a stripper :D

The polyamory thing though, well that really depends on your agreement and what you feel comfortable or not. At least she was truthful with you , she did not promise a false exclusivity to you or anyone else , nor pretend this extra relationship (which has not even materialized yet) would stay just at friendship level.

But anyway if you are not OK with it then you are right to end the SR, there are many other opportunities, and some may be a better match.... but be prepared to feel a darker shade of blue for longer than you would imagine because even if you are the one terminating it , and it’s just a SR, it may hurt for a while. Bon courage !
 
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Such an interesting thread...

I will share my own experience, more on the relationship with escorts than SR (I only had one SR)

When I start seeing a girl many (many) time I tend to end up in a grey area.
In the most extreme case it can be falling deeply in love. I do agree with @MikeH , you need to let it go consciously for it to happen. In the only occurrence where I fell in love, I had a conversation first about my dilemma to let it go with her. She told me life is too short to not enjoy such an amazing feeling, I kind of agreed and fell hard... It didn't end really well but I cannot regret any second of this passion as it was so intense and created lifetime memories.

In a few other occasions, I felt the need to see some girls more and more and kind of built a mental barrier to avoid creating a too strong attachment. The best way to do so is definitely to see each other less or cut short the relationship.

I'm mentioning cases where there are reciprocal feelings. If not, it sounds really bad guys. Letting someone with a material agenda being under your skin is the perfect recipe for disaster. I don't want to be jugemental at all. I'm more thinking about your own good and I know first-hand you cannot reason with your feelings. In any case, it is quite obvious the right course of action is to end the relationship, to delete any email address and phone number and go to the gym or getting out with friends and family. I'm not saying it's easy to do...
 
Such an interesting thread...

I will share my own experience, more on the relationship with escorts than SR (I only had one SR)

When I start seeing a girl many (many) time I tend to end up in a grey area.
In the most extreme case it can be falling deeply in love. I do agree with @MikeH , you need to let it go consciously for it to happen. In the only occurrence where I fell in love, I had a conversation first about my dilemma to let it go with her. She told me life is too short to not enjoy such an amazing feeling, I kind of agreed and fell hard... It didn't end really well but I cannot regret any second of this passion as it was so intense and created lifetime memories.

In a few other occasions, I felt the need to see some girls more and more and kind of built a mental barrier to avoid creating a too strong attachment. The best way to do so is definitely to see each other less or cut short the relationship.

I'm mentioning cases where there are reciprocal feelings. If not, it sounds really bad guys. Letting someone with a material agenda being under your skin is the perfect recipe for disaster. I don't want to be jugemental at all. I'm more thinking about your own good and I know first-hand you cannot reason with your feelings. In any case, it is quite obvious the right course of action is to end the relationship, to delete any email address and phone number and go to the gym or getting out with friends and family. I'm not saying it's easy to do...
Thanks for your post... yes it ain’t easy and I did really stupid things both before and after the ending. But the last email was actually liberating , in a way I’m thankful. Now that person is dead to me and blocked everywhere. Took 6 months though. She could come back here trolling me again , I don’t give a shit. How did you two ended it , if I may ask?