Guest viewing is limited

I have a relationship without understanding???

O

onedayiwilldie

TAG Member
Joined
Jan 8, 2017
Messages
13
Reaction score
1
One year ago, when the Japanese girl traveled to my country. I met her, and keep in touch with her in 1 year after her coming back in Japan. I really liked that girl, but she told she had a boyfriend. I told her that i want to have a opportunity with her, she smiled and said let's go to Japan. I said with her i will go to Japan someday, i still have some work that didn't finish yet in my country. In our conversations, she still send me her daily activities, and send me her pictures, but not many. But the problem is that when i send message for her, she usually reply 2 or 3 days later. Sometimes i send her the text to care about her, she reply very quickly, just a few minutes after that. However, after that message, i reply her and she continue to rely the next message 2 days later. But she still answer me happily. I don't think it is politeness like the way in Japan. Sometimes, i see she "seen" my message but she did answer yet until 2 days later. But she always say the truth with me about her job, her life. Sorry, i don't think this is a problem but i just don't understand why???

I want to go to Japan in this year to visit her, but i guess she is still in relationship with her boyfriend ( I don't ask her about this thing) because i can feel that i some cases when she had a trip, she said she went with "her friend" but i know "her friend" in these cases is "her boyfriend" because she didn't want to hurt me.

I'm from a country that is poorer than other countries. Of course my country doesn't use English is main language. Everything that i have to do to change my future is just to study very hard. And i got a scholarship from a developed country a month ago. My major is business and accounting. I want to try hard to find the way to stay in the developed country. That means is that i want to ensure the life for her if we develop the relationship each other in the future. I'm also studying Japanese in 2 weeks. She seems very happy when i study Japanese. I don't know but maybe i have loved her too much, and i just want a real relationship with her. Maybe I'm crazy now???? What should i do, i really need advice. :(
 
Last edited:
Your username's very depressing.. :unsure:

Anyway, I really hate to be so harsh.. but I feel like you're wasting your time with this lady.. and you are right. Chances are that she's still with her boyfriend.

Single or not, though, if a girl is taking 2-3 days to reply.. then you are not seen as a priority to her, but rather an option. She doesn't care as much as you do.

Now, if a girl were to not reply immediately, but a few hours later, then it's completely understandable.. but this is not the case.

The sooner you break away from her, the easier moving on will be. Don't worry, you are capable of finding a better match :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: jojochan, Ken1988, meiji and 6 others
I wasn't sure whether we were being trolled or not but under the presumption that we're not then yeah, @MissInsomnia is right on the money. I don't know how old you are .. but Japanese girl or not.. There's no difference when a girl isn't responding and has a boyfriend - move on..?

MissInsomnia said:
Single or not, though, if a girl is taking 2-3 days to reply.. then you are not seen as a priority to her, but rather an option. She doesn't care as much as you do.

Now, if a girl were to not reply immediately, but a few hours later, then it's completely understandable.. but this is not the case.
Click to expand...

My favourite joke is: "The person whose call you always pick up is your deepest relationship.." - which is apparently work! :p
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ken1988, patty diaz, AliceInWonderland and 3 others
I would actually stay away and move on, especially since she is in a relationship. It's never a good start to draw someone out of a current relationship just to get a shot on your own.
If you want to continue talking to her, do it as a friend and visit her in Japan as a friend and enjoy Japanese culture. There is so much to see :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ken1988, Kulbutor, patty diaz and 4 others
This might be a bit profound for a Sunday morning but anyway...

You are made for better things in life. There are very few people in this world who qualify for scholarships and while I don't know you at all, I can confidently say that the people who gave you the scholarship think you have lots of potential otherwise they would have selected someone else.

Carry on with your life, justify the faith the authorities who gave you the scholarship reposed on you and hey share your successes with your Friend.

To put this very crudely, you do not come across as a better value proposition to your friend's current Boyfriend under your current circumstances. You are geographically separated so may not pose a threat to their current relationship. Or simply she may like and but cannot find the right way to cut off the relationship.

Financial stability is the foundation to a solid future and good education will always stand you in good stead.

Move on buddy you have a bright future. Life is not about who you want to be with but who wants to be with you, doesn't look like this one wants to be with you. You have better things awaiting!!

Good luck and come back and post after you make it big in life!!!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ken1988, Gasse, AliceInWonderland and 1 other person
Desktop said:
You are what's call a mailtomo in Japanese. An email friend to only chat with once in a while to her. It's really common for Japanese.
Click to expand...
And those types never see you as a potential lover, they never agree to meet you in public, and they only talk to you about superficial stuff.
 
Don't be afraid to move on. Think of all the new experience you could be missing if you simply keep chasing. It's a textbook example of the sunken cost fallacy.
 
  • Like
Reactions: AliceInWonderland and Mwktm
Thanks everybody

@MissInsomnia: it is just the name, it does matter. i made it to easy to remember.
@Mwktm : i think that is like you wrote "Or simply she may like and but cannot find the right way to cut off the relationship. "

She told me that if i want to go to Japan, i can stay in her house. She also said someday she will go to meet me again.

I really don't know. I'm just 20 year old now, and she is younger than me a year. I do not have much experience in the relationship. I realized she is not very interested in me. But she still answer me and also say the truth for me, although sometime she totally can lie me when talk about some cases, I will never know. A month ago, she said something so deep in her life for me, i could feel she is lonely? It seems she doesn't have a boyfriend beside, but maybe i'm wrong. In her holiday, i know she just spend that time for her boyfriend.

It made me go to the relationship but i do not know how to do. I promised with her, i will go to Japan a few years later, at that time i want to have a relationship with her. She smiled and said "Yes". The time i say goodbye to her when she came back Japan, she said with me that "She will wait me". I do not know a lot difference between other cultures. With me, i just want to keep my promise, i never lie anything in my life. Because of this promise, i even didn't meet any girls in the year to finish this promise.
 
@vondoom : Maybe you're right. I even do not have one. In my country, the promise is the most important thing. In my culture, if someone say the promise like that " i will wait...", that means they are serious to do that. Maybe in other countries, it is not important.
 
yes, here it is not that important...
it is important, but "i will wait" usually doesnt mean a thing...
easy way to find out: tell her youre going to meet her, set a date and see what happens...
doesnt even have to be a real setting... in case she says anything else but "yes, sure", you know whats going on...
 
What I can see, she is obviously too young to take full responsibility for what she says yet. There are much more opportunities and nice girls in this world. You`d better not to miss them all just for this virtual relationship.
 
  • Like
Reactions: AliceInWonderland
Tell her you have a present for her ;)
 
Everyone here has given you the best advice. Move on before you get hurt more. The fact that she is 19 is already a dead end.

A couple of questions,

1) did you have sex with her?
2) what country are you from?
3) which city is she from? And if Tokyo, which area of Tokyo?

The answers to those questions will help because if she is from Tokyo central, it's unlikely to last.
 
I agree with others that your odds aren't too good. However in this age you could at least use LINE or Skype and communicate direct with video instead of relayed text. From personal experience I can tell you that this makes a huge difference for long distance relationships (I'm not convinced you have one). In any case it makes it much easier to judge her reactions for you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Wwanderer and AliceInWonderland
I think you have been given some solid advice here but I do have one outrageous proposition to make. Why don't you talk to her and ask her straight up what she thinks about you, your relationship and universe in general.

I know it's a scary thought but if you are really planning to spend the rest of your life with her the odds are you actually have to start to talk about everything with her at some point of the time anyway.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ken1988, Gasse, Wwanderer and 2 others
Everyone here has given you some really solid advice.

The only thing I'd add is this. Go to Japan because you want to go to Japan, NOT because you want to see her. If you come and things happen to work, great, you win. If not, you still got to come to Japan and have a good time. Do not create a win/lose situation, only engage in win/win situations. If you have no interest in Japan, drop her like a hotcake and move on.

If you really wanna test her out, have her come see you in your country. Tell her you'll put her up for the weekend, same as she offered to you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ken1988, meiji, Wwanderer and 4 others
Long distance relationships are really awful under the best of circumstances - if you'd been actively dating her for several months before she went back that might be one thing, but it doesn't sound like you got past initially expressing interest in her, and she wasn't exactly reciprocating fully. Other people have given very good advice, but I'd ask yourself a few questions here:

1- Is your endgame to move to Japan? Have you ever been there? Can you afford to pay for school there? Aside from that, your only other option for work is probably a working holiday visa if your country has a deal with Japan. Not very many countries do.

2- If not, has she expressed interest at all in living overseas?

If you don't have a solid plan that you can afford, or if she isn't interested in living in your country or another one that's easy for you to get to, I'd just move on if I were you. Just an expression of interest and hanging out a few times simply isn't enough to build a relationship on, much less making a major commitment requiring moving to a different country.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DocMcStuffins and MikeH
I also had a friendship/relation with a girl living i my country for a year. Even if we were good friends, I found out that a relation was not realistic in our case. In the deep of my heart I do not think I loved her, but I liked her very much as a friend. We were attracted to each other, but we did not have this "chemistry" and deep understanding a long life relationship requires. May be cultural differences made it a bit difficult. Many Japanese are sometimes careful to speak out frankly, or may be they do it in a way I do not understand. Of course, there are not always due tu cultural differences. There are many different personalities in every country. But in my case, I found out, if I am honest, I should not go on with the relationship. This girl was the type who could wait for me the rest of her life, and I felt I had to tell her frankly and honestly that for me it could not work. And so I did. She accepted and was glad for my honesty, but she was at the same time sad.
I think I gave her the oportunity to go on with her life in Japan, not waiting for me, and find another man, which she also did. She is now happy with a nice man and a lovely child. I have visited them both, and we still have contact as friends.
This is not the same story as yours, but I think, what also other has said, it is better to have an honest conversation and find out what your true feelings are, and in fact, also what is realistic. Somehow you are in the situation that my friend (japanese often use the term friend for both men and women) has been. You are hoping and waiting. You can not do that all your life, you have to go on. That is honesty to yourself, and also to her. If she has problems telling you, it is a sign of a communication that is not good enough, which a relations should have.
So, my friend is happy, and I am a free man, I can go to Japan, meeting friends and do what many members here do ;)
May be I do not fit into a relation, and I accept that. There are billions of free women in the world, many of them, also in Japan, are ready for you.
Good luck!
 
I don't know what is happening. I told her all i think and she told me she will go to meet me in my country someday. She also said that don't worry because she will wait me in Japan. We text everyday and she reply back within day. And she is teaching Japanese for me now.

I'm studying Japanese and i call her name without -chan or -san, and she also calls just my name, sometime she call my name with -san in a respect. Is it the way of a couple call each other in Japan?

About her, she is not from Tokyo, she is a kind of conservative girl. I've loved her and i want a long-term relationship with her. Of course no one knows about future, and i'm not an exception. I believe when i try, the good result will come. Anyway, I will go to the country that i got a scholarship to study, after graduation i want to go to Japan to work or continue study Japanese. My country doesn't have working holiday with Japan, but the country that i got a scholarship has working holiday with Japan.

What is the shortest way i can go now??? My major is accountant, but i see this job is difficult to find in Japan as a foreigner.
 
You are seriously lovesick...

I've never seen such a relationship end well. Is she the first girl you loved?

Either way, you need a friend who will slap you in the face and tell you to wake the fuck up. This girl isn't even that interested in you. My guess is she sees how crazy you are and doesn't want to reject you cause you're the kind of guy to kill himself over this shit.

You might read this and think, fuck this guy, he doesn't understand my love for her.

But the truth is, the longer you act like this, the less interested in you she becomes. Girls know when a guy is being desperate and needy and he becomes less attractive in their eyes.

If I am very honest with you, I think it will be better for you to forget her. Just ask her straight up if she will be your girlfriend, and if not, move on.

Don't move to Japan just for her. Have you considered what might happen if you move and she suddenly disappears from the face of the earth (i.e. ignores you completely)?
 
  • Like
Reactions: onedayiwilldie, AliceInWonderland, just4fun and 3 others
You must log in or register to reply here.