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Japanese Dating Websites

I've used Japan Cupid for about 3 months and I can garantee it's not a scam. I've been in communication with about 10 women, 4 of whom I've met (out of these 4, one liked me but I didn't like her, one didn't like me, one was ok and we had sex and the fourth one is the one I'm really interested in but so far only two dates and I'm not sure what she thinks of me). Most of the women speak very little or no English and because my Japanese is only so-so and it takes me time to write anything that's even remotely interesting, I'm limited as to the number of women I can contact.

OKCupid is more international but for some reason the women I've met were uglier than the ones from Japan Cupid. Not sure there's a pattern here, I might have been unlucky. It's completely free unless you want some privileges that may or may not make a difference, I don't know.

Digicafe is a complete scam as far as I'm concerned. Even with no picture and no description you get tons of messages from really young girls.

I want to try waplog but the interface is off-putting to say the least.
 
I confirm the ugliness of the okcupid crowd whose almost every profile starts with "I've been living in [insert any western country] for [n] years .... blah blah blah". (just like Tinder)
And the good looking ones never reply to you anyway (especially if you contact them in very good Japanese).

I'm currently dating another JapanCupid girl.
Most of my past girlfriends (the longest relationships) were from JapanCupid.

Waplog, once you get used to the UI, is good only if you like them very young.
Mostly 18/25 yo there. Some are even 15 yo ... so be careful.
The last one I had was 19 and she was very reluctant to take my penis into her hands to say the least ahaha
And to be honest, most of them have too many issues (divorced or non existing parents, bullying, etc).
This application is a ticket for mental rollercoasters.

Another application I've discovered recently is this one :
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=jp.co.matchingagent.cocotsure&hl=ja
Basically you choose girls by interests.
Most of them are looking for marriage.
Had multiple matches but, since they never read my profile, they quickly get disappointed when I tell them I'm against anything remotely linked to marriage and kids.
 
majimekun said:
Another application I've discovered recently is this one :
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=jp.co.matchingagent.cocotsure&hl=ja
Basically you choose girls by interests.
Most of them are looking for marriage.
Had multiple matches but, since they never read my profile, they quickly get disappointed when I tell them I'm against anything remotely linked to marriage and kids.
Click to expand...

Coming from a country with a 2.1 birthrate to Japan's 1.4, I thought at the very least that nuisance would be partly out of the way but somehow it seems even worse. Same thing about marriage... Are we still in the 1950's or what?

I'm still using OKCupid hoping I might meet a Western girl that way as I'm not convinced it could work with a Japanese one. (OKCupid has this matching system based on your replies to potentially thousands of questions - my top matches are invariably Western girls. I have yet to see a Japanese girl answer "NO" to the question "Is marriage a necessity for people who love each other?")

Still it feels like such a huge waste of precious time, online dating. Surely there must be another way. I don't understand how Japanese men meet Japanese women. Sometimes I feel like I should get Japanese male friends so that they could show me the places.
 
Had a third date scheduled with the girl mentioned in my previous message. We had picked the date last week but not decided on the exact time and what we would do. So I went through great pains to get to finish work earlier today (she works on week-ends) so that we can meet earlier (she doesn't work today). I asked for confirmation during the week-end, no reply then again yesterday, no reply.

This is so depressing. Is this just common to women you meet online or women in general in this country? I don't know how many times I've been stood up and had my afternoon/evening ruined.

Then for sure I will never get an explanation or anything. Last time we spent 6 hours just talking, she said she never had this much fun talking to a guy. If there's one thing this online dating thing has done for me is teach me the true meaning of the word duplicity.
 
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She met someone else usually. They usually never explain just cut you off cold. It's refreshing to meet women who can explain simple things like
I just want to be friends or
Maybe I still want to look around.
They just completely ignore you here & it's common.

Also be aware that free meals & drinks are a plus for the bored lady.
 
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Meaning that I should stop paying for the meals from now on ? What do they expect? I always pay everything.

I'm always amazed at how talented they are at faking appreciation. Duplicitouness is really an innate talent among Japanese women.
 
I used to pay for everything, as that's what I was taught growing up, the first date is always on the man.

Now, I tend to accept when they offer to go Dutch. I've had exactly the same experience, easy to get them on the first date but they tend to piss you about so much that it never make it to a second. I do think some women here date out of boredom, or the chance to practice their English.

I'm still waiting to meet the 35 year old cutie that wants marriage and kids, I'm tending to get them a little older and Match was a complete waste of time. Maybe I'll try JC once my OKCupid and Tinder well runs dry.
 
meiji said:
Fixed that for you.
Click to expand...

Personally I really think this is specific to Japan, both in social and professional contexts. This basic lack of honesty and this tendency to never say what you really think to avoid not just confrontation but even any minor disagreement.

It's killing me. It really is.
 
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Des Esseintes said:
I always pay everything.
Click to expand...

This one is a big mistake.

Never EVER pay for her diner.

Not paying is a very good way to filter out the bad girls.

The ones I date never expect me to pay.
Paying gives the wrong signal that you kind of want to buy her feelings.
This is a real turn off for girls who want to be perceived as equal to men.
From my experience, women who look for foreigners are frustrated with the gender inequality still present their country.

All of them happily paid and most of the time they came back to me for another date.
 
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Des Esseintes said:
This basic lack of honesty and this tendency to never say what you really think to avoid not just confrontation but even any minor disagreement.

It's killing me. It really is.
Click to expand...

Ask yourself :

Do you make them relaxed enough and comfortable enough with you so that they want to show their true face to you?

Maybe you're doing something wrong.

Dating without social/interpersonal skills is useless most of the time.
 
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Des Esseintes said:
I have yet to see a Japanese girl answer "NO" to the question "Is marriage a necessity for people who love each other?").
Click to expand...

They are very rare but they do exist.

My current Japanese GF has no interest for marriage.
She even told me how her married female friends cheat their spouses.

You have to search harder/smarter.

And stop whining for once :)
 
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Again some of us are applying our cultural, ethnocentric standards of behaviour. Yes, Japanese women can 'gush' over a 'wonderful' date and, yes, you can then never hear from them again and, yes, it is annoying. The basic rule of almost any social interaction here is to end it on a positive note, displayed either verbally, non-verbally or sometimes formalistic and formulaic platitudes. Think of the 'flight attendant smile' - all teeth but no real wrinkle lines at the eyes'. It is not duplicity in most cases, just how it is done here to smooth exits. It does take some getting used to since she has one set of rules and you another. And even if their English is good and they seem experieced in 'foreign ways', Japanese rules can apply. Of course there are acceptions .
 
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The lower the gush, the better the date in my experience.
 
majimekun said:
They are very rare but they do exist.

My current Japanese GF has no interest for marriage.
She even told me how her married female friends cheat their spouses.

You have to search harder/smarter.

And stop whining for once :)
Click to expand...
I want to meet her friends......
 
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R.O.B said:
... The basic rule of almost any social interaction here is to end it on a positive note, displayed either verbally, non-verbally or sometimes formalistic and formulaic platitudes. ... It is not duplicity in most cases, just how it is done here to smooth exits. ...
Click to expand...

@R.O.B has nailed this one imo. What you are perceiving as dishonesty @Des Esseintes is simply a matter of manners and common courtesy in Japanese culture, and many such standards of behavior aimed at maintaning group harmony and "low friction" social interactions are buried deep in the culture. To prosper and enjoy life in Japan you do not have to like or enjoy this aspect of their culture (and it is indeed routinely frustrating, baffling and irritating to foreigners), but imo you do need to accept that it is a cultural difference, not a moral failing, and that you are in their country, operating in their culture and that it is absurd to imagine them changing to suit your/our preferences....especially since their culture works for them at least as well as ours does for us in many/most respects.

If you really can't deal with it (which also is not a moral failing), your only good options are finding a new sandbox (country) in which to play or sticking to the gaijin community/sub-culture here to the maximum extent possible.

-Ww
 
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R.O.B said:
Again some of us are applying our cultural, ethnocentric standards of behaviour.
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Well giving prior notice before a cancellation sounds like common courtesy to me. I didn't think it was cultural. We all have busy schedules after all.

But you're right, maybe I'm being ethnocentric. In my work I have experienced how this fear of disagreement would create some REALLY surreal situations so I shouldn't be surprised that it would extend to relationships as well, and that common courtesy may come second in a lot of Japanese people's mind. I still find it rather sad though.

And stop whining for once :)
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Sorry about that. I was really depressed when I typed this.

It's not so much the rejection that affects me - I'm used to rejection, that's part of the game. It's the fact that after four months of bi-weekly emails (and I mean really really long messages entirely in Japanese that took me about two hours each to type, check the grammar, check the kanjis and everything), after two dates of approximately 6 hours each, after paying for everything during these two dates, I don't even register high enough in their esteem to warrant a short notice like "Sorry I won't be able to make it this time." or "Sorry I've met someone so I'd rather we don't see each other anymore" or something like that. It's the same story everytime so it feels like hitting my head against a brick wall.

But anyway I've closed all my accounts with OKCupid, Japancupid and whatnot. You're right, dating without interpersonal skills is a waste of time. I've never dated in my life before coming to Japan and in addition to that I'm being thrown against a wall of radically different cultural expectations. A date feels too much like a very long job interview to me. And like a job interview, once it's over you're never going to get an honest reply, let alone an explanations of what you did wrong anyway so it's very hard to improve yourself.
 
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No joke or sarcasm - cultural sensitivity can be a bitch. It is often more a case of awareness raising than acceptance. What is 'common courtesy' differs. By not engaging can be a courtesy here. Good luck, mate!
 
I'm with DE here I don't think getting used to cultural differences is the answer to the coldness of ladies just cutting you off cold. It's like calling one night stands from guys in NYC part of the culture get used to it.
The times when someone came back & explained what happened is always appreciated. I've had a couple explain afterwards & it was always something that could have simply been said or explained.
 
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Denial - Defense - Minimization // Acceptance - Adaptation - Integration. These are Bennett's 'Stages of Intercultural Sensitivity'. No offence, Desktop, but you are probably at 'Defence', meaning you recognize there are other cultural ways but your own are 'best'. Anyway, I am off my soapbox on this, but just don't take silence personally, I think.
 
R.O.B said:
Denial - Defense - Minimization // Acceptance - Adaptation - Integration. These are Bennett's 'Stages of Intercultural Sensitivity'. No offence, Desktop, but you are probably at 'Defence', meaning you recognize there are other cultural ways but your own are 'best'. Anyway, I am off my soapbox on this, but just don't take silence personally, I think.
Click to expand...

I admit that the cultural way I was referring to, namely giving prior notice before cancelling a plan you've made with someone so that they don't go out of their way to make time, cancel their own plans and wait 4 days for your phone call for nothing, all the time wondering what the hell is going on - to me seems vastly superior to that other cultural way of just ignoring them. So I must be in the denial stage. If only I could be more enlightened to the mysteries of foreign cultures.
 
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