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Meditating about my relationship

Bulbasaur

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I'm sorry if i miss tape something or have grammar errors here and there.
I know that it is probably a mistake to ask advice over strangers in the internet, but i would like to know more about my situation seeing from the outside..

Be me, 28yo living togheter by 3 years with a 27 yo jp girl.
She espect to marry in the future (really near one) and to have childs, but she kind of accept that in my country and culture we don't do childs often when we are on our 20s and we don't marry too on most of the cases.

She has a lot of cool features, and i like her body too.
Ofcourse after 3 years sex became stale, and sadly, she is not soo much into making it on a daily basis as i would like (she don't particulary enjoy sex either, a problem she had in every relationship even on her past) that's is a big thing for me..

On the last months i did even seen many things of her character i dislike.. As she became more and more selfish (maybe she was always, but was hiding it?) But overral our life togheter is not a bad one.. But is not even an exciting one..

I could continue to live like that ofcourse.
But i really feel "i'm just settle for it", but on the same time i could and should have a more exciting life.
And i'm not sure if i will never accept the compromise to make a family with a person, that i love yes, but.. That i don't see the person i would like to stay for all the life.

Then after all that, i'm thinking i should just gave up on the relationship.
In the end, i'm wasting her time, if she want to have a family.. And the girl's age is a real deal in japan..

Did you came accross something like that in your life experience? And how did you handle it?
 
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You should continue with her only if you are OK for having to find your sex from somewhere else than at home in the future.

Your sex life with her should now be in its peak and if it's not good now it's going to be just way worse later.
 
Be me, 28yo living togheter by 3 years with a 27 yo jp girl.
She espect to marry in the future (really near one) and to have childs, but she kind of accept that in my country and culture we don't do childs often when we are on our 20s and we don't marry too on most of the cases.
Sounds like the population of your country is declining fast.
Also soon you wont be in your 20s anymore.

I’d say break it off if you don’t have any intention to marry her at all.
 
Make it work if you can, but remember: life is too short.

To quote a message that a dear friend sent to me recently:
Not everyone you love will stay.
Not everyone you trust will be loyal.
Some people exist as examples of who to avoid.
 
You should continue with her only if you are OK for having to find your sex from somewhere else than at home in the future.

Your sex life with her should now be in its peak and if it's not good now it's going to be just way worse later.


Yeah that may be the case i suppose..
I try to talk about it a lot, but it never helped much, and ofcourse i try in "many ways" to change her approach to sex itself, but i suppose that some people are not made for enjoy it as other ones..

Sounds like the population of your country is declining fast.
Also soon you wont be in your 20s anymore.

I’d say break it off if you don’t have any intention to marry her at all.

Most of the population of some countries are declining on that era, especially in EU, it is true.
Japan is even worse situation right now.
Something will happen when i'll magically became 30?
Woman will not want me anymore?
I don't feel that old..

But yes, for her is really important, she have a lot of social and family pressure over making a family..


Make it work if you can, but remember: life is too short.

To quote a message that a dear friend sent to me recently:
Not everyone you love will stay.
Not everyone you trust will be loyal.
Some people exist as examples of who to avoid.

I really get your message, and i'm slowly changing my vision of the relationships.
I'm becoming a lot cynical into facing the reality, before i was younger and naive..
I had many long time relationship, and no matter how much energy i did put on them, they did all fail in a way or another..
Everyone as his own fault on that, sure.. but in the end, the truth is that most of the times, even if you want to make it work, it will not.
 
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This is the BIGGEST red flag. I was naive, about your age, fell into that trap. Don’t do the same mistake. Those ladies want the status, not the guy.
You got one of the points.
Sometimes i only feel to be a tool for her to reach an objective, and ofcourse the objective is "become a mom"

I always try to say to myself that it is just a prejudice i have towards jp girls coming from countryside, but she may be the case in the end..
Even if she did wait 3 years living with me.
 
You got one of the points.
Sometimes i only feel to be a tool for her to reach an objective, and ofcourse the objective is "become a mom"

I always try to say to myself that it is just a prejudice i have towards jp girls coming from countryside, but she may be the case in the end..
Even if she did wait 3 years living with me.

Its ok to want to become a mom of course, heck this country desperately needs more babies! But the important question is ... do YOU want one with her?
 
Its ok to want to become a mom of course, heck this country desperately needs more babies! But the important question is ... do YOU want one with her?

I don't even know if i want it one, at all.
Especially not now.
I always say myself that it may be a matter of time or partner, but maybe that time and that partner that will make change my mind will never arrive.

Which is your story?
 
I don't even know if i want it one, at all.
Especially not now.
I always say myself that it may be a matter of time or partner, but maybe that time and that partner that will make change my mind will never arrive.

Which is your story?

Story similar to yours and many other guys. Yes maybe that ideal partner will never arrive. And at some point (if couple’s life is what you want) you will settle for someone which is not perfect but “good enough”. And thats ok, Disney-type love stories are few and far between. But first ask yourself if you really want to live in a couple, and what would be the “good enough”, not the perfect. And whether you want kids or not. My gut feeling is that the lady you are with now made those choices already (or her family / friends pressured her, more or less subtly)... but you did not.
 
Strike another match
Go start anew
It’s all over now
Baby Blue.

The Nobel Laureate of Rock and Roll
Bob Dylan

I tip my hat to you, sir.

Leave your stepping stones behind, something calls for you
Forget the dead you've left, they will not follow you
The vagabond who's rapping at your door
Is standing in the clothes that you once wore
Strike another match, go start anew
And it's all over now, baby blue
 
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I'm sorry if i miss tape something or have grammar errors here and there.
I know that it is probably a mistake to ask advice over strangers in the internet, but i would like to know more about my situation seeing from the outside..

Be me, 28yo living togheter by 3 years with a 27 yo jp girl.
She espect to marry in the future (really near one) and to have childs, but she kind of accept that in my country and culture we don't do childs often when we are on our 20s and we don't marry too on most of the cases.

She has a lot of cool features, and i like her body too.
Ofcourse after 3 years sex became stale, and sadly, she is not soo much into making it on a daily basis as i would like (she don't particulary enjoy sex either, a problem she had in every relationship even on her past) that's is a big thing for me..

On the last months i did even seen many things of her character i dislike.. As she became more and more selfish (maybe she was always, but was hiding it?) But overral our life togheter is not a bad one.. But is not even an exciting one..

I could continue to live like that ofcourse.
But i really feel "i'm just settle for it", but on the same time i could and should have a more exciting life.
And i'm not sure if i will never accept the compromise to make a family with a person, that i love yes, but.. That i don't see the person i would like to stay for all the life.

Then after all that, i'm thinking i should just gave up on the relationship.
In the end, i'm wasting her time, if she want to have a family.. And the girl's age is a real deal in japan..

Did you came accross something like that in your life experience? And how did you handle it?
can't tell you break up with her, you're the one sharing memories with her not me so for me it's easier to say. but my sincere advice is to never marry her.

btw stats about age of marriage in Japan are not that different than most of the developed countries and it's even higher than US :
Country, average age of marriage for men, for women

Japan, 30.9, 29.3
Canada, 31.0, 29.6
USA, 29.2, 27.1
France, 33.0, 30.8
UK, 32.5, 30.6
Germany, 33.4, 30.9

in comparison with other countries :
Indonesia, 25.7, 22.3
China, 27.1, 24.9
Nigeria, 26.9, 19.3
Albania, 29.5, 24
 
It's damn near impossible to change someone's behavior unless they actually *want* to change. It sounds like you've tried very hard and it hasn't worked so far.

I think I'm basically the future version of you. I made the mistake of marrying a woman who is extremely selfish, naive about life and very specific about how she wants her sex life to be. There's a thousand other problems but they all come from the fact that we are very different people with very different personalities and desires in life.

We do love and care for each other and life isn't always bad but these differences cause us to come into conflict on an almost daily basis and after so many years, I now realize that I should have gotten out of the relationship when I had the chance.

You now have the chance to get yourself out of this situation. I'm not saying you have to break up with her but I think you should really think about whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life (or however long this relationship lasts) fighting an uphill battle to try and change her. It may work eventually but likely it will fail.
 
You got one of the points.
Sometimes i only feel to be a tool for her to reach an objective, and ofcourse the objective is "become a mom"

I always try to say to myself that it is just a prejudice i have towards jp girls coming from countryside, but she may be the case in the end..
Even if she did wait 3 years living with me.
I feel like she is the one who’s being used as a tool. I may be conservative in this aspect, but I don’t see the point in a long term relationship if you can’t see it morphing into a lifetime thing and into having children unless you do not want kids at all and in that case your partner should be informed of that. To spice it up, for me relationships don’t have to be mono and play outside the door is allowed, which fit well into Japanese culture.
 
I feel like she is the one who’s being used as a tool. I may be conservative in this aspect, but I don’t see the point in a long term relationship if you can’t see it morphing into a lifetime thing and into having children unless you do not want kids at all and in that case your partner should be informed of that. To spice it up, for me relationships don’t have to be mono and play outside the door is allowed, which fit well into Japanese culture.
if the OP was using the girl he wouldn't live with her, it's a huge step and that can't happen if the guy is not that into a girl. I could say he's using her if he was a free loader taking advantage of a free rent.

a relation can evolve and we (guys) hope it evolves positively but there are steps before we think about marriage. Once the relation has evolved we can start thinking about marriage and making family while girls start thinking about it from the beginning and they consider that the guy is using them when he's not thinking about marriage.

both are mistaken in my opinion,
- guys are mistaken when they think the girl they have "spoiled" will later "spoil" them, if she's not doing from the beginning she never will.
- girls are mistaken expect men to see marriage the same way they do but men don't usually dream about their wedding day and their wedding dress. guys don't usually feel early pressure from family or friends to be married. usually the pressure comes for the girl friend. while married friends of a girl give her pity married friends of a guy would rather show him envy. a girl marry and tell her non married friend "don't worry you'll be fine" as if it's not a given and they have to convince her that she'll marry too, a guy marry and his friends tell him "don't worry, you'll be fine" as if it's not a given and they have to convince him that he made the good decision.
 
if the OP was using the girl he wouldn't live with her, it's a huge step and that can't happen if the guy is not that into a girl. I could say he's using her if he was a free loader taking advantage of a free rent.

a relation can evolve and we (guys) hope it evolves positively but there are steps before we think about marriage. Once the relation has evolved we can start thinking about marriage and making family while girls start thinking about it from the beginning and they consider that the guy is using them when he's not thinking about marriage.

both are mistaken in my opinion,
- guys are mistaken when they think the girl they have "spoiled" will later "spoil" them, if she's not doing from the beginning she never will.
- girls are mistaken expect men to see marriage the same way they do but men don't usually dream about their wedding day and their wedding dress. guys don't usually feel early pressure from family or friends to be married. usually the pressure comes for the girl friend. while married friends of a girl give her pity married friends of a guy would rather show him envy. a girl marry and tell her non married friend "don't worry you'll be fine" as if it's not a given and they have to convince her that she'll marry too, a guy marry and his friends tell him "don't worry, you'll be fine" as if it's not a given and they have to convince him that he made the good decision.

One of the best and truest posts I’ve seen on TAG for a long time. Thanks E-Smile.
 
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Marriage is not something you "have to" do, is something you do because you found someone and you want to be with that person for the rest of your life (or some long portion at least, you never know). But if you are not sure, run from there, there is no point at all, you don't have to be with someone only for being with someone. I know is painful and you'll find it probably very difficult at this point, but it will be the best decision of your life, probably.

When you find someone you feel well with in every aspect, you will regret not running away from that jail sooner.
 
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Let's face it. The relationship isn't working, you are just hopefully searching for another solution that doesn't involve a painful break-up and being single again. I'm sorry, better to bite the bullet and get on with your life and search for a person better matched to your personality and lifestyle.
 
If and when pregnancy/kids happen, your sexual needs will be even less of a priority, if they are even on her radar at all. If her sexual flame has already dwindled, I wouldn't expect it to suddenly reignite down the road. If you stay, you are staying to raise and support a family, not much else. If you are not sure that's what you want, then probably deep down inside you indeed do not want it. I'm sure you have awesome memories with her, but sadly those days are gone either way. My 2 yen is that you should do HER a favor, and let her find someone else to settle down with and raise a family with. The longer you wait before releasing her back into the wild, the fewer options she will have, and the less time she will have to enjoy the rest of her life.
 
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I would marry for land, power or alliance with France.

You'd never marry for huuuuuuuuuuge..... tracts of land?
 
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