Mongering coming full circle

[zawarudo777]

Did you miss the part where I said I was taking a break in a relationship?

I get that my initial posts here came off a certain way. I was frustrated. Doesn't make them any less truthful. The whole point of me posting here again was to make it clear that I'm not the monster I perhaps portrayed myself to be.

I'm not trying to garner bad faith responses, and I'm revealing details along the way because I have to really think about what I want to make public. Also, it just makes conversing that much more interesting so long as nobody's being a jerk about it. Considering where we are, I'd hope this drop of BOTD isn't too much to ask.

 

[Kevt]

Putting that aside, would you say a woman having a man fly out to see her with no romantic intent on her part is normal behavior? I see a lot of people placing blame on me (some is deserved to be sure), but does she not have a role in this as well?

Hold up a sec. I'm not blaming anyone, and am not meaning to be offensive if it seems that way. I was just trying to say maybe not "all" of the reasons were one-sided and and to do some self-introspection also. Your reaction of harboring ill thoughts about her or SWs in general is just not healthy if it prevents you from looking inward as well.

Not having been a part of whatever you two discussed, I can't say whether romantic interest had any play in that. Maybe she expected platonic depending on how you two interact, or maybe there was a romantic chance but she decided against it.

Take away the fact that she is a female that you had sex with before and still want to have sex with.... would you have made a vacation trip to spend time with a friend?
Personally I am totally up to spending vacation time with a friend that I don't sleep with (guy or girl is irrelevant if we are just talking friends). So if she sees you as just a platonic friend (like totally friend-zoned), then she might not have harbored any glimmer of romantic interest. If she knows that you are hung up and strung you along, then yeah that's not nice and shares the blame.... BUT it depends on your two communications on how you portray yourself to her. If you insist and present yourself as just a friend (as an example, not saying that you did), then I don't think any of the blame goes to her. It's like a woman going on a trip with a guy friend, going to have fun with no thoughts of sex.

 

[Kevt]

You and AdditionalPylons. Are you the same dude?

Lol, I'm fairly convinced they are different people. This dude seems more capable of discussing points of view vs Pylons (who saw just his way was right and was probably trying to sell his services by flinging insults??)

This board might be full of pervs and degenerates (myself included) that insult themselves and each other, but it does "seem" to have a soft spot for females and SWs.

I was just trying to point out a pov that a rejection might not have been due to her or your past. And I dislike negative stereotyping of SWs in general since they are individuals also with their own qualities.

 

[zawarudo777]

I'd say we've had a few conversations that go beyond just friends, though I didn't talk with her about sex explicitly at any point. Maybe I'm the fucking weirdo here, but I don't typically talk about that with any woman I'm interested in until past a certain point, usually a few dates at least. That's been what's worked for most of the relationships I've had that ended up going anywhere. This was especially true in Japan where women love to put you through the ringer, but I digress. I'd say our communications were and are still friend level much of the time, though we do delve into more personal topics on occasion.

Again, to be clear, I was not expecting to fuck on the first date. That has only ever resulted in a relationship for me once. Clearly, I am more invested past one last pump and dump. She was, however, acting in a more relaxed manner the second day and I got some signals that she was interested. It is possible that maybe she did feel that way, but then decided against acting upon it for whatever reason. Regardless, it left me confused and frustrated, but I didn't take it out on her and enjoyed the rest of the trip.

But even with all this in mind, after talking with a man for years (someone who you once admitted being deeply lonely to at that), you can't put together that maybe he wants to pursue something with you? It just sounds too self serving to be the case. This isn't to say that other women don't do this, but I suppose the burning question in that case is why. There's women from my past who I never dated, but I know that if I were to contact them now they'd agree to a date in an instant. I'm able to figure out when the opposite sex is pursuing me and I'm apparently a socially retarded autistic stalker with murderer vibes. If I can do it, can't the fairer sex, too?

And yes, the insistence on SWs (sometimes extending to women in general) being above any consequences to their actions around here is beyond nauseating. I get that a place like this is unique in that SW can be openly discussed in a positive light, but I don't see why any potential negative aspects of it can't be discussed without resorting to shitflinging. Here I am still considering dating one ffs and I'm honest enough to see that there are likely issues that were either created or exacerbated by her choice of career.

 

[Maxblack]

A woman, being a completely flawed human being, is both incapable of reading your mind AND capable of changing her own.
Every single assumption you make about her may in fact be 100% true. So what? The only person’s behavior you have any control over is yourself. How you imagine things are and how you react to how you imagine things are is entirely up to you.

 

[zawarudo777]

Well, isn't that why I'm here? Why I made this thread to begin with? Why I decided to keep the discussion going after it had long fizzled out? I had lost emotional control at one point because of expectations and reality crashing spectacularly. By my own admission, I'm far more composed about this than I was before. I probably wouldn't have said anything except that one guy thought I was crazy. While I know where what I said came from, I could also totally see how someone could have reached that conclusion, too. So, here I am trying to clear my pseudonym to a bunch of people I will never meet because it made me realize just how emotional I was over this. Hopefully, someone out there learns something from all this.

 

[Alice]

whores rarely if ever become housewives

I'm tall, good looking, charming, and generally able to pick up who I want. On the other side of that token, I know that this woman is in all likelihood damaged goods, but I'm surprisingly willing to put up with that given what I know she's capable of.

You sound like a real price horse.

Not sure if you wanted to date or if you went on a whole trip for a “free” one night stand but either way I guess she got a vibe of your character and your real thoughts about her.

Women are more than big tits and pouty lips. Yes it does sound that maybe she doesn’t like to get physical because of her past but to describe that as “damaged goods” is very charming.
Most of us eventually realize that people who are interested in our outside and either want to ignore or change our inside are not worth settling for.

 

[Durg50]

want to ignore or change our inside are not worth settling for.

Ive definitely heard women say ‘had a great weekend in with the BF, he rearranged my guts’

So i dont think this is true.

 

[Alice]

Ive definitely heard women say ‘had a great weekend in with the BF, he rearranged my guts’

So i dont think this is true.

Fair enough

 

[zawarudo777]

Not sure if you wanted to date or if you went on a whole trip for a “free” one night stand but either way I guess she got a vibe of your character and your real thoughts about her.

I don't generally go into any date/encounter with the opposite sex with any expectations. In this case, I was doing her a favor by bringing her something she asked for (a new MacBook, for which she did at least reimburse me) and spending time with her in person after all these years. To reiterate, we had a lot of communication during lockdown especially, and it wasn't just talking about the weather.

Women are more than big tits and pouty lips. Yes it does sound that maybe she doesn’t like to get physical because of her past but to describe that as “damaged goods” is very charming.

I mean, she has self harm scars on her arm and I caught her lying about a few things to me (don't really wanna go into detail because it'd be revealing even more than I already have about both of us). If anything, I was progressively losing interest in her as I found out more of what she'd been hiding from me. At least you are being honest about her past career probably playing a role in this. That is genuinely refreshing around these parts.

Most of us eventually realize that people who are interested in our outside and either want to ignore or change our inside are not worth settling for.

This is an interesting view to have because it's antithetical to what I hear from people who have been in fulfilling relationships. They typically receive constructive criticism from their significant other because they want to see them change. Especially these days, I don't think most people are intrinsically motivated enough to improve their lives past being "good enough", which is effectively settling for yourself. In any case, I've never once asked or pressured her to change anything, and I've definitely not ignored her personality either, so I don't know where this is coming from.

 

[Fumisancho79]

This is an interesting view to have because it's antithetical to what I hear from people who have been in fulfilling relationships. They typically receive constructive criticism from their significant other because they want to see them change.

Maybe I’m too old but I have never been in a fulfilling relationship where the other person gave me “constructive criticism” to “change”…maybe that’s a new thing. In my experience you have to love the other person for who they are (and for who they are not) and as your relationship deepens things will evolve naturally as each person will emulate the other (read somewhere that that’s biology and happens in the animal kingdom too). Let’s take a stupid example - you want your partner to work out more (because it’s good for them?), then saying “hey you should really work out more. Just giving you constructive criticism cuz I want you to be a better person” probably won’t have the same effect as working out yourself and bringing your partner along to also make it quality time. Over time your partner will emulate your working out naturally.

Just my two cents, but I’m old and jaded.

 

[requiemmorrow]

I mean, she has self harm scars on her arm and I caught her lying about a few things to me (don't really wanna go into detail because it'd be revealing even more than I already have about both of us). If anything, I was progressively losing interest in her as I found out more of what she'd been hiding from me. At least you are being honest about her past career probably playing a role in this. That is genuinely refreshing around these parts.

An IQ of greater than 140 and doesn't understand sarcasm.

This is an interesting view to have because it's antithetical to what I hear from people who have been in fulfilling relationships. They typically receive constructive criticism from their significant other because they want to see them change. Especially these days, I don't think most people are intrinsically motivated enough to improve their lives past being "good enough", which is effectively settling for yourself. In any case, I've never once asked or pressured her to change anything, and I've definitely not ignored her personality either, so I don't know where this is coming from.

There are millions of people in the world intrinsically motivated to improve their lives beyond "good enough." The issue isn't the motivation, but how it is robbed of them when the circumstances of being an adult set in and ruin everything.
The fault is society, not innate.

 

[Sudsy]

An IQ of greater than 140 and doesn't understand sarcasm.

"Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to pick up a piece of paper understand sarcasm. "

 

[zawarudo777]

Maybe I’m too old but I have never been in a fulfilling relationship where the other person gave me “constructive criticism” to “change”…maybe that’s a new thing. In my experience you have to love the other person for who they are (and for who they are not) and as your relationship deepens things will evolve naturally as each person will emulate the other (read somewhere that that’s biology and happens in the animal kingdom too). Let’s take a stupid example - you want your partner to work out more (because it’s good for them?), then saying “hey you should really work out more. Just giving you constructive criticism cuz I want you to be a better person” probably won’t have the same effect as working out yourself and bringing your partner along to also make it quality time. Over time your partner will emulate your working out naturally.

Just my two cents, but I’m old and jaded.

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive, personally. The seed has to be planted somehow, right? Using your example it could start at "maybe we should both start being more active". I do agree that actions speak louder than words but I also think some people need to hear things from people they trust before they take action.

 

[zawarudo777]

An IQ of greater than 140 and doesn't understand sarcasm.

I understood it, but it wasn't funny (sorry). I also don't see how just with what I've shared so far anyone can say that she doesn't sound like someone with deep seated issues. Not to say I can't deal with that to an extent, but there's clearly more than a few things off about her, for whatever anyone here wants to assume about myself.

There are millions of people in the world intrinsically motivated to improve their lives beyond "good enough." The issue isn't the motivation, but how it is robbed of them when the circumstances of being an adult set in and ruin everything.
The fault is society, not innate.

There is truth to this, but that's not really contradicting my point, either. I know a lot of people who say things along the lines of "this aspect of my behavior would change if I had a family" in the sense that they know they can change, but can't be assed to do it until it's for the real thing. At some point, you have to recognize what is and isn't working for you and adapt accordingly, life circumstances be damned.

 

[requiemmorrow]

At some point, you have to recognize what is and isn't working for you and adapt accordingly, life circumstances be damned.

 

[requiemmorrow]

Also, quite sure the person with most deep-seated issues is the guy who necromancies a thread to cry about a woman who didn’t want him cause he was so smart and beautiful..

 

[Fumisancho79]

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive, personally. The seed has to be planted somehow, right? Using your example it could start at "maybe we should both start being more active". I do agree that actions speak louder than words but I also think some people need to hear things from people they trust before they take action.

My philosophy in life is to always fix my own shit before I start criticising someone else. Turns out I have enough shit to fix to last a lifetime, so somehow I never get to the second part 😅

 

[zawarudo777]

Also, quite sure the person with most deep-seated issues is the guy who necromancies a thread to cry about a woman who didn’t want him cause he was so smart and beautiful..

I think I've been more than reasonable since I came back to this thread. If anything, this is an attempt to make it clear that I was not in a typical headspace when I made it.

Also, I'm pursuing other women and have been for years. Just because I'm willing to give this one I particularly like a chance despite the odds doesn't mean I've given up elsewhere.

 

[zawarudo777]

My philosophy in life is to always fix my own shit before I start criticising someone else. Turns out I have enough shit to fix to last a lifetime, so somehow I never get to the second part 😅

The Jordan Peterson school of thought: clean your room before you try to change the world. While it may be well intentioned, the problem with this is that even if everyone cleaned their room, there'd still be no shortage of problems in the world that require more than self improvement to solve. Not that this is an excuse to not clean your room, more of a way to keep in perspective that it's not going to fix everything.

As this pertains to a relationship, you basically share the same room. At a certain point, one or both people have to be honest about who it is making the messes. Often times there's blame to be shared, but figuring out how to divy the responsibility and, more importantly, keep it clean is usually where the problems start.

 

[TAG Manager]

I no longer sense the value in this discussion....