Mourning ... And After

Discussion in 'General Topics - Life in Japan' started by majimekun, May 23, 2014.

  1. majimekun

    majimekun TAG Member

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    My beloved girlfriend finally died of a liver cancer in the end of march.
    I've stayed on her side all the way till the end and it was a huge amount of sadness to handle during these 6 months. I've never cried so much in my whole life and I even won a lot of grey hair as a bonus.

    I know it's now time to move on which is why I've been trying to recruit potential girfriends during the recent weeks.

    The problem is that I can't seem to break the bond with my girlfriend.
    All the girls I meet are far below her, they can't even compete.
    Plus the fact that I'm really tired of the dating scene (cf. the other thread about jgirls and mariage).
    And lastly, I know that won't be able to perform loveless sex after what I have experienced with her before and after her disease.

    You might say that I have to be patient but I feel like I urgently need to find someone else in order to break this painful bond.

    Anyway, any advice will be welcome.
     
  2. meiji

    Global Moderator

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    Sorry to hear about your loss. It'll probably just take some time. Get out and be social, and don't force a relationship.
     
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  3. johnnyboy84

    johnnyboy84 TAG Member

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    I am sorry to hear about the loss of someone who you loved. What you are feeling is rather natural and you are demonstrating that she meant so much to you. I don't know how long you two were seeing each other for and after a loss such as that, what you are feeling only makes you human. Just take it one day at a time. She may be gone, but you will always love her and that's a beautiful thing.
     
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  4. Wwanderer

    WwandererWwanderer is a Verified Member Kids, don't try this at home!

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    @majimekun
    I am most certainly not qualified to give any advice on such a matter, but fwiiw, I have read and heard and observed many times that human beings have a typical emotional healing timescale of around a year. In other words, if you are like most people, you can reasonably expect to be on a sort of emotional roller coaster for something like a year (obviously not exact, just an approximate amount of time) after such a major psychological trauma...to experience wild swings in your feelings and moods and reactions. You may even find yourself feeling angry with her at some point (a normal reaction I'm told).

    Imo, and again claiming no wisdom in such matter, it would arguably be unfair to the other person to try to establish another serious relationship until you have settled back into some fairly normal psychological and emotional state, however long that might take.

    To be clear, I do not mean to say that you ever will forget about your departed loved one in an emotional sense or stop having any feelings about her but only that those feelings and emotions will eventually become fairly constant/stable and will stop dominating your day-to-day morale and psychology.

    In any case, let me add that imo you behaved in an enormously loving and courageous way in staying with her, not only physically but also emotionally through her ordeal. She was lucky to have you in her life, and I admire you.

    -Ww
     
  5. majimekun

    majimekun TAG Member

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    Wwanderer,

    My reply is a little bit late but it's because I wanted to take some time to reply properly to your kind words.

    Actually, you're right about everything, which means that you must be more qualified than you think.

    Yes, the roller coaster was tough. And, sadly, hate is easier on your mind than sadness.
    The sadness in these situations ... it's extreme, primal ... you just lose your mind ... literally.
    Even when you think you've calmed down, after hours of crying, your mind can't just accept the situation.
    I even recall myself very seriously planning the use of a time machine in order to get her back.
    Genuinely planning scenarios on when exactly contact her in the past ... how I would tell her what was about to happen, how I could have prevented all these things from happening, how I could have saved her from her own weakness. And then I cried again. Sleep. Wake up. Repeat.

    And yes again, twice, I've tried to start something else but my girfriend's ghost didn't let it happen.

    Everyday's detail reminds me of what restaurant she liked, the ice creams she loved, the so many places we've been together ... and so on. Even the silliest detail would do the trick.

    Even when you think you're totally okay, the sadness comes back by surprise just when you don't need it.

    What I hate the most is the fact that the bad memories had a stronger impact on me than the good ones with her.
    I've seen things I wish I didn't see. I can now really understand the expression "heart breaking".

    Anyway, I've felt better during the last couple of weeks but I will follow your advice : I'll wait now before dating again.

    As for the physical part, self-service for a while I guess.

    Thanks again
     
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  6. Wwanderer

    WwandererWwanderer is a Verified Member Kids, don't try this at home!

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    You are a remarkably self-aware and honest person, majimekun.

    -Ww
     
  7. 1Sept1962

    1Sept1962 TAG Member

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    I'm very sorry for your loss. It's very, very sad.

    Regarding dating, perhaps you're putting undue pressure on yourself. Rather than considering a relationship, perhaps you can just think of these evenings with someone as a nice evening out. A nice dinner. A walk. A movie. Whatever it is. Rather than thinking of it as the first step in creating a long-term relationship, just appreciate the moment and enjoy a nice dinner with someone to learn about, someone to talk with. Just a new experience. And let it be only that.

    At some point, you may find yourself thinking about one or another (or more) of these new friends. You might start thinking, I enjoy spending time with this one and would like that more. Maybe at that point, that's where it transitions into considering creating a more involved relationship.

    You have been through an inconceivably difficult experience on every level. Honor that and give yourself some room to get through it. You are doing OK. Be kind to yourself. It will all be OK.

    I wish you peace.
     
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  8. majimekun

    majimekun TAG Member

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    I wish it was that easy.

    The problem is that almost every activity I try to share with a female friend is hardly enjoyable.
    Because during every new nice experience I invariably think : "I wanted to show her this" or "I wish she was there with me right now" ... which greatly accentuates the daily feeling of loss.
    It also happens when I'm alone ... much more strongly. Yesterday at the movies ... it was horrible. There was a stupid oyaji on my left side, just where my wonderful girfriend used to sit. I wanted her to be there so badly so that I could kiss her again in the neck as I always did before. And then the pain, the tears, attacked again.

    Strangely, these unbearable thoughts never happen when I am with a male friend.

    From what I understand, only time, or maybe, falling in love again with someone else will heal me.

    Thanks for your kind comment anyway.
     
  9. sxian

    sxian TAG Member

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    majimekun, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. In my line of work, I deal with a lot of people who suffer similar losses, and as someone else mentioned, there is about a year's worth of grieving in front of you before the ghost begins to fade. I have no personal experience to share on this, but I can only imagine that casual relationships - a movie, dinner, etc. - will serve you better than a serious one or a short-term physical one until enough time has passed. Hang in there, mate. All things pass.
     
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