Question for couples about swinging...

[Kaspar]

According to my own experience, it's always the husband who talks his wife into this lifestyle... Question is: how did you convince your better half to give this sort of thing a try? Is something you've discussed long before trying? Did you face serious resistance? Did you regret your decision once into the style (some did,especially when their wives seem to be much more involved than them)?

 

[whocares]

I have known lots of swingers...based on years of chats with them.

1 - If you have to convince her, it won't work
2 - It will change your marriage
3 - Communicate, communicate, communicate
4 - Don't just jump in, you have to talk about this...you are going to watch some dude plow your wife, you have to be ready for that...most men just think about what they get out of it and not what their wife is going to get out of it.
5 - Most of the swingers I know have left that world and it destroyed many a relationship...you need to be super cool with the idea and both into it equally and have a SUPER strong relationship

I don't have any advice based on personal experiences...I could never handle it...I wouldn't want to share my wife with anyone...

 

[User#8628]

I think if you want to get into equal swinging as a man, you have to have a bit of a cuckold fetish.
If you're going into it with a "i'll allow some guys to have intercourse with my wife so i'll get to have fun with any girl they bring" mentality, you'll likely not enjoy it.

There are definitely guys who enjoy their woman getting some and are not jealous at all. Its a great mutual enjoyment once you get rid of any jealousy. Humans were meant to be poly.

 

[Troilist]

My husband and I are not swingers but we partake in p4p with other females. So my perspective and experiences might not be that helpful in terms of starting the conversation about the topic of swinging with your wife. But on the other hand, I can share with you a female's perspective on how the conversation of playing with other ladies came into our marriage.

I've always enjoyed and appreciated the beauty of a female body but never had the opportunity of being with a girl before I got married. From the very beginning of our relationship, my husband and I have always been extremely honest about our views, ideas and feelings in general, which is one of the reason why I feel p4p is working for us. As @whocares mentioned, communication is extremely important and the key to all successful relationships especially those that may involve a third party. Beyond being honest and communicative with each other, we started really slow by going to strip clubs to see if I would enjoy it and if I had any issues seeing my husband with another lady. I discovered that I was turned on by the touch and feel of women, but I also experienced an uneasy feeling when I saw other women grinding on my husband. I am not a jealous person at all but I had to mentally and emotionally choose to get over the uneasy feeling to continue to explore further and get to this point.

Some might say this is silly but during the first year of our p4p activities, my husband and I agreed that he could do everything with the girls except have intercourse. The reason for this is because my husband wanted me to feel 100% comfortable and know that there was zero pressure from him to do anything beyond my comfort level. Mentally I thought I would be okay seeing him have sex with another woman since I didn't experience any jealousy during the other acts. But until you actually witness it, you can never be 100% certain of how one would react or respond emotionally. Since we created the space of honesty, respect, love, understanding, patience, and zero pressure from the beginning, at some point during our p4p journey I felt comfortable enough to explore my husband having FS action. Now, in our p4p activities there are no restrictions on what he can do but our ground rules at the moment are we only do FFM or FFFM and we only play as a couple.

At the end of the day, we are both clear and agree that our family and marriage is the most important and our number one priority. We view our p4p experiences as something that is fun we do together and it truly gives us pleasure and happiness to see the other person happy. Also keep in mind that it is not something that is supplementing anything that might be missing within our marriage. If one of us decides that we no longer want to continue, we are both fine with this decision because we truly are 100% satisfied with each other sexually, emotionally and mentally. I believe that everyone and every couple should try to explore sexually but if you are married with children, you need to do it responsibly and with a lot of communication. So my advice is to start a conversation with your wife by checking in with her about her views and feelings with the status of your marriage. If you think you are satisfied with her answer and you are comfortable bringing up the idea of experimenting perhaps ease her in by making a suggestion to go to a strip club. Also, take yourself and your own desires out of the equation in the beginning and make it all about her and how this will be fun and pleasurable for her. I hope this helps and good luck!!

 

[Jishin]

@Troilist do you have any recommendations for great providers in Tokyo for the kind of FFM play you describe?

 

[Troilist]

@Troilist do you have any recommendations for great providers in Tokyo for the kind of FFM play you describe?

Can you be more specific on what you are looking for? Are you looking for someone for you and your wife/gf or are you looking to get two ladies for yourself? Also, are you open to ladies of all nationalities or strictly someone Japanese?

 

[Troilist]

@Troilist do you have any recommendations for great providers in Tokyo for the kind of FFM play you describe?

Well, I'm really no expert of Tokyo as we've only been there once, but if I were to channel my inner Yoda, "Misa thinks you Rina gonna love Annather Summer in Wonderland,"

http://mybeautifuljapaneseresortgirlfriendmisa.com/introduction

http://mygorgeousjapanesebutterflyrina.com/home

@Anna Summer

@User#8628


All the ladies were exquisite and very professional. We had an amazing time with all four ladies and each one had their own unique quality. It would be unfair to compare or rate each encounter because each one was perfect the way it was and each lady contributed to our marriage in their own special way. In my sincerest opinion, you cannot go wrong with any one of these ladies. Please feel free to private message me if you have any specific question.

 

[Kaspar]

My husband and I are not swingers but we partake in p4p with other females. So my perspective and experiences might not be that helpful in terms of starting the conversation about the topic of swinging with your wife. But on the other hand, I can share with you a female's perspective on how the conversation of playing with other ladies came into our marriage.

I've always enjoyed and appreciated the beauty of a female body but never had the opportunity of being with a girl before I got married. From the very beginning of our relationship, my husband and I have always been extremely honest about our views, ideas and feelings in general, which is one of the reason why I feel p4p is working for us. As @whocares mentioned, communication is extremely important and the key to all successful relationships especially those that may involve a third party. Beyond being honest and communicative with each other, we started really slow by going to strip clubs to see if I would enjoy it and if I had any issues seeing my husband with another lady. I discovered that I was turned on by the touch and feel of women, but I also experienced an uneasy feeling when I saw other women grinding on my husband. I am not a jealous person at all but I had to mentally and emotionally choose to get over the uneasy feeling to continue to explore further and get to this point.

Some might say this is silly but during the first year of our p4p activities, my husband and I agreed that he could do everything with the girls except have intercourse. The reason for this is because my husband wanted me to feel 100% comfortable and know that there was zero pressure from him to do anything beyond my comfort level. Mentally I thought I would be okay seeing him have sex with another woman since I didn't experience any jealousy during the other acts. But until you actually witness it, you can never be 100% certain of how one would react or respond emotionally. Since we created the space of honesty, respect, love, understanding, patience, and zero pressure from the beginning, at some point during our p4p journey I felt comfortable enough to explore my husband having FS action. Now, in our p4p activities there are no restrictions on what he can do but our ground rules at the moment are we only do FFM or FFFM and we only play as a couple.

At the end of the day, we are both clear and agree that our family and marriage is the most important and our number one priority. We view our p4p experiences as something that is fun we do together and it truly gives us pleasure and happiness to see the other person happy. Also keep in mind that it is not something that is supplementing anything that might be missing within our marriage. If one of us decides that we no longer want to continue, we are both fine with this decision because we truly are 100% satisfied with each other sexually, emotionally and mentally. I believe that everyone and every couple should try to explore sexually but if you are married with children, you need to do it responsibly and with a lot of communication. So my advice is to start a conversation with your wife by checking in with her about her views and feelings with the status of your marriage. If you think you are satisfied with her answer and you are comfortable bringing up the idea of experimenting perhaps ease her in by making a suggestion to go to a strip club. Also, take yourself and your own desires out of the equation in the beginning and make it all about her and how this will be fun and pleasurable for her. I hope this helps and good luck!!

Thanks for your honest and thorough answer.

 

[Kaspar]

I met a few swinger couples during my years in China, they were all different and got into the lifestyle for different reasons. They were pretty comfortable in their own skin and totally enjoyed the experience.

1) British crazy and kinky couple: she was the main engine behind their decisions (never experienced such an insatiable person before), guy was most likely a closet gay who enjoyed being surrounded by penises (no joke). They were total fun, but too much into drugs and booze.
2) Singaporean-Australian couple: cool old guys who enjoyed the style to spark their sexual life after a way too long marriage. I suspect he was doing this because he didn't want to fuck his wife anymore.
3) Taiwanese guy-Chinese lady: typical business relationship. I played with them once. She asked me to see her alone afterward... I complied.
4) Chinese-Russian couple (both mixed): she went through two years of therapy before giving in. 'Nuff said. She was a total stunner.
5) American guy-HK girl: both into S/M and bondage shit... he was too fat and couldn't cope with her appetite...

And many others I met over the years, but yes communication is the main factor and you have to pull the plug and take a break sometimes, it can be straining after a while...

 

[e-smile]

I went to a happening bar for the first time in my life last week. It was with a SF and I don't think I would ever consider the idea of going with my wife or see another man have sex with her. During that night I had sex with someone's GF or wife and I felt really bad for him.

 

[Troilist]

My husband and I have been to a couple swingers club but never got into it. We went there mainly to check it out and observe the scene. It was interesting but just too many penises for me and not enough girls. Plus he is not into watching me have sex with other men and honestly I am not into that idea either. Have you and your wife ever talked about swinging or doing anything with other people before? @Kaspar

 

[Kaspar]

My husband and I have been to a couple swingers club but never got into it. We went there mainly to check it out and observe the scene. It was interesting but just too many penises for me and not enough girls. Plus he is not into watching me have sex with other men and honestly I am not into that idea either. Have you and your wife ever talked about swinging or doing anything with other people before? @Kaspar

I haven't done anything since 2013. My wife is not into this and, prior to my marriage, I spent a couple of years living my fantasies... It was amazing how easy it was to find likeminded people, but, like I said, I've been dormant since I got married (end even long before that).
I will be living alone in Tokyo, family will be in another city for a year at least. Wife and I had lengthy conversations about this topic and she's fine with me playing around, as long as it's safe (she is not really interested in sex to be fair and I still have needs).
I'm still sampling the ground and, tbh, enjoy talking about sex and what not.

 

[Coda87]

But until you actually witness it, you can never be 100% certain of how one would react or respond emotionally.

This is so true for many things. Your brain tells you what you should do or how you think you should feel., but your emotions can make you irrational and sometimes even do the opposite of what you think.

I could probably handle MFF with my wife. But I don't think I could bear seeing my wife with another guy. I think there is a deep rooted natural instinct built into men, upon seeing another guy fuck with his woman, to take a club and beat the other guy over the head.

But whoever can have a open relationship with their partner and handle it, that's cool and great.

 

[Troilist]

I haven't done anything since 2013. My wife is not into this and, prior to my marriage, I spent a couple of years living my fantasies... It was amazing how easy it was to find likeminded people, but, like I said, I've been dormant since I got married (end even long before that).
I will be living alone in Tokyo, family will be in another city for a year at least. Wife and I had lengthy conversations about this topic and she's fine with me playing around, as long as it's safe (she is not really interested in sex to be fair and I still have needs).
I'm still sampling the ground and, tbh, enjoy talking about sex and what not.

That's cool that your wife is understanding enough to give you the freedom to explore outside of your marriage. Have fun in Japan, it's definitely one of our favorite places for p4p in terms of their level of professionalism.

 

[Wwanderer]

I think there is a deep rooted natural instinct built into men, upon seeing another guy fuck with his woman, to take a club and beat the other guy over the head.

I'm not so sure that this is really a "deep rooted natural instinct"; I'm inclined to think that it is more of a learned social script. Ime, it is amazing how many people can "let go" of that behavior, whether instinctive or socially scripted, if they and those around them "give permission", so to speak. And in any case, even if that sort of violent jealousy is a deep instinct, it is good to keep in mind that an ability to behave in ways contrary to our instincts is arguably what most distinguishes humans from other animals.

-Ww

 

[whocares]

I actually agree with the deep rooted instinct...biology rules all and having some other dude spread his genes while you waste effort protecting his offspring makes little evolutionary sense...

 

[Wwanderer]

biology rules all

Nope, actually it doesn't. It gives people inclinations and tendencies, but humans do all sorts of anti-instinctive things routinely and live in environments incredibly different from those in which our species and those species from which it descended (which actually set far more of our genes than homo sapiens evolution) we/they evolved.

This is all well documented. Our behavior has strong components of "nature" but also major components of "nurture". People can and often do train animals to behave contrary to their instincts, and those animals include ourselves.

Admittedly sexual behavior is more instinctive than many other sorts of behaviors, but it is easy enough to find people whose sexual behavior is contrary to those instincts.

-Ww

 

[Wwanderer]

having some other dude spread his genes while you waste effort protecting his offspring makes little evolutionary sense...

This gives a good example to illustrate the point. What you describe indeed indeed contrary to evolutionary imperatives and is the reason that a man's instinctive reaction to seeing his mate have intercourse with another guy is to try to prevent it, but not all guys always react that way. Lots of guys can willing "share" their wives because their forebrain understands, as their lower brain does not, that no children are being created (due to use of birth control for example) and overrule its impulses. You can even see this in what parts of the brain are dominantly active in fMRI studies, or so I'm told. Couples will even adopt and put huge efforts into raising children who are completely unrelated to them too. Etc.

-Ww

 

[whocares]

A couple takes in a child because it makes sense to have somebody to take care of them when they are old...a guy lets somebody else plow his wife because that's how he fits into the tribe to which he wants to belong to...there is also, frankly, brains that are wired poorly...not everyone gets to be top of the heap...lots of individuals make dumb decisions isn't evidence against biology ruling, as diversity creates the largest pool of decisions from which at least some of the species will survive.

In other words, who left for America from Europe? Not the top of the heap aristocrats but rather the dregs who failed to compete in Europe and went elsewhere to seek easier competition...it's entirely probable that the most miserable shithole on earth has two kinds of people...those at the top who are big fish in small pond...and people who have no choice...

 

[Coda87]

, it is good to keep in mind that an ability to behave in ways contrary to our instincts is arguably what most distinguishes humans from other animals.
-Ww

Yes, this is true. No doubt humans have come a long ways from our caveman days. But for many people it is still struggle to act contrary to their instincts/feelings.

 

[Wwanderer]

Yes, this is true. No doubt humans have come a long ways from our caveman days. But for many people it is still struggle to act contrary to their instincts/feelings.

Yep, it is definitely a struggle, often a hard one and often people fail. But not always. And we are the only animals that even try.

But the fact that we can overcome and ignore our instincts is also a product of evolution and biology. The parts of our brains which do abstract thinking and planning for future situations are larger and more active than in most or all other species. This allows us to resist our instincts when we can foresee that they are likely to have undesirable consequences. We can contemplate what psychologists call counter-factuals, situations different from the actual one, and act to avoid them or to try to make them real.

Btw, as an aside, the part of the quote I made bold reflects a common misconception, namely that our instincts evolved early in the couple of million year early history of our species (cavemen and such), whereas they actually arose over a much longer period of time in a long chain of species that preceded ours. The world most humans live in today is an incredibly different environment from those in which those instincts developed. That is why they often serve us so poorly.

-Ww

 

[Coda87]

The world most humans live in today is an incredibly different environment from those in which those instincts developed. That is why they often serve us so poorly.

-Ww

Agree with you here. Although, when it comes to sex it seems like the opposite. The more you can go with your instincts, I think the more pleasurable and satisfying sex can be, at least for me. Depending on who I am with sometimes, I think about what I am doing too much and that can take away from the experience. The best sex I ever had was where it was like we were both wild animals. No thinking, no shame, no worries, just pure and primal.

Anyway, sorry this is way off topic.

 

[Kaspar]

Lots of interesting opinions here: everything is true, our behavior is made of instinct and education (and the latter mirrors the social ground we grow up on). From my point of view, having met several couples (of any combination you can think of), once people cross the thin red line of what it's socially acceptable, people are capable of virtually anything. It's often a matter of taking baby steps and having the guts of trying new things from time to time.

 

[Wwanderer]

once people cross the thin red line of what it's socially acceptable, people are capable of virtually anything.

This...including things that have shocked me (not so easily done).

It's often a matter of taking baby steps and having the guts of trying new things from time to time.

And this, especially the second part.

-Ww

 

[Wwanderer]

Agree with you here. Although, when it comes to sex it seems like the opposite. The more you can go with your instincts, I think the more pleasurable and satisfying sex can be, at least for me. Depending on who I am with sometimes, I think about what I am doing too much and that can take away from the experience. The best sex I ever had was where it was like we were both wild animals. No thinking, no shame, no worries, just pure and primal.

Twenty or more years ago, I would have said pretty much the same thing, but as I've gotten older, I've come to treasure more the unconventional and perhaps even contrived sexual experiences...maybe just need more novelty these days. Both can be great of course.

-Ww