Relationships becoming boring

[all4naughty69]

Since living in Japan I’ve had two girlfriends my ex and current. I don’t know if it’s me but I always find relationships boring after 6 months or so. Both girls I’ve dated have a lower education than me and have poor English skills, which may have something to do with it, but at the time it felt right to start a relationship with them. My current gf is so beautiful, kind and fun but just feeling like there is no future. I don’t want to break another girls heart for something they have no control over because nobody is perfect. Just wondering who has had experience with this.

 

[MikeH]

I don’t know if it’s me but I always find relationships boring after 6 months or so.

Yes, it's you. The obvious, at least for me, solution is not to be in a traditional relationship with one girl only but to have several girls to meet in regular basis. That keeps things fresh. Or at least fresher.

Of course that requires you need to find girls who are OK with that and also that you are OK for them to meet other guys too.

 

[all4naughty69]

Yes, it's you. The obvious, at least for me, solution is not to be in a traditional relationship with one girl only but to have several girls to meet in regular basis. That keeps things fresh. Or at least fresher.

Of course that requires you need to find girls who are OK with that and also that you are OK for them to meet other guys too.

Lol that seems like an unfeasible solution but a guy can dream. She knows I do p4p sometimes and I think I’m lucky she even accepts that.

 

[just4fun]

I wouldn't be surprised in the least if she has someone on the side herself.

 

[warubuta]

I bet there is a site for Japanese girls with gaijin boyfriends where your girlfriend is complaining about you just like you are complaining about her here. Think about that one.

 

[Frenchy]

Just wondering who has had experience with this.

Most of us I guess. Novelty is sexy, but after a while boredom and even resentment appear. It’s probably even due to chemicals in the brain... sorry I have no advice for you. We all want the “perfect” one but he/she doesnt exist. Either we accept to lower our expectations (and they do same for us) or we try to find in multiple partners the various traits we would love to see just in one.

 

[all4naughty69]

Most of us I guess. Novelty is sexy, but after a while boredom and even resentment appear. It’s probably even due to chemicals in the brain... sorry I have no advice for you. We all want the “perfect” one but he/she doesnt exist. Either we accept to lower our expectations (and they do same for us) or we try to find in multiple partners the various traits we would love to see just in one.

This is exactly what I’m conflicted about. She has many good traits and is out of my league physically but it’s hard to have an intelligent conversation which is the most important for a long relationship. Maybe I already know what I have to do just don’t want to do it

 

[Wwanderer]

We all want the “perfect” one but he/she doesn't exist.

Actually they are all perfect, in a way.

-Ww

 

[MikeH]

it’s hard to have an intelligent conversation which is the most important for a long relationship

This is how you spot a guy who reads women's magazines.

The most important thing in a long relationship is that she is hot. The second most important thing is she is good in the sack.

Or maybe I am just totally wrong? And those two traits are actually in opposite order? Anyway if you want intelligent conversation you can always go to the library or to a chess club, nobody wants that at home.

 

[Saitama]

Tl/dr: yeah some people like to talk deeply or whatever. That’s cool but it doesn’t provide an immediate next step.

Anyway if you want intelligent conversation you can always go to the library or to a chess club, nobody wants that at home.

Actually they are all perfect, in a way.

-Ww

Responding to one claim with another, I guess, and I think about the Ragu lesson. A bunch of years ago, General Mills or Kraft or whoever it was threw down a lot of money to began testing to see what was the best spaghetti sauce they could make. The first few rounds, the numbers were all fucked; they couldn’t learn how to improve anything from one round to the next. It took a while, but they realized there were like 6-8 “favorite” archetypes, and not every single person likes even more than just one of those. So, that’s why overnight it went from like “spaghetti sauce” to “extra chunky” or basil with meat or whatever the combinations seem to be.

MikeH might do perfectly with my ex; she looks like a Hooters girl, and is an all-American gal who likes to play the role of underdog and leave nerds to be nerds; your man naughty69 over here would probably pop a boner if one day she talked about wanting to challenge him about the best way to (insert topic he considers to be smart and nerdy.)

I don’t know if you’re at fault or not, but I do want to be like “lol, trying to define future expectations from one year and two exs - the world is bigger than that” and also urge some self-reflection. One of my true loves I broke up with because I found her copying my interests and habits, which hey, cool she’s into me but I was into her for her. Truth is, we were both a bit immature, and she was developing herself and I was just being impatient and judgemental. Between her and her husband, they’ve got three doctorates, are both rock climbers, and have dinner parties with like, cool people. I go to old-lady themed clubs and post about it. Could I have avoided the outcome of leaving a good relationship on my high horse? Yeah, probably.

Things change; people change; and you may have more there. How old are you all? Under 25? Under 35? If you honestly feel it’s not going to work out, figure out if you’re being cool enough to passively inspire her and receptive enough for her to develop a sense of agency... or not. Move on, but don’t keep fucking up and being with someone you can’t talk to in depth. Meeting people who can talk (and feel like talking to you) in the way you’re looking for may get more difficult as you get older.

 

[Troilist]

I don’t want to sound rude but perhaps you should consider taking responsibility for your own actions and stop seeking out traditional relationships with girls you probably know you are not in alignment with. If you believe that you “get bored” because your past and current girlfriends are less educated then only get into relationships with girls you feel are equal or superior to your own intellect.

My current gf is so beautiful, kind and fun .

She knows I do p4p sometimes and I think I’m lucky she even accepts that.

You current girl seems to be a great catch from your description. My advise is to stop leading her on and breakup with her especially since you don’t see any future. You will face the same dilemma six months later in your future relationships if you repeat the same pattern. In order to get different outcomes, you have to take different actions. You should take MikeH’s advise and try it out. It might not be the easiest route to take but continuing to hurt girls because it’s the easier or the more convenient option is just simply not cool.

 

[Saitama]

continuing to hurt girls because it’s the easier or the more convenient option is just simply not cool.

Yep

 

[all4naughty69]

This is how you spot a guy who reads women's magazines.

The most important thing in a long relationship is that she is hot. The second most important thing is she is good in the sack.

Or maybe I am just totally wrong? And those two traits are actually in opposite order? Anyway if you want intelligent conversation you can always go to the library or to a chess club, nobody wants that at home.

Fair enough... she has both traits so maybe I’m being too picky

 

[all4naughty69]

I don’t want to sound rude but perhaps you should consider taking responsibility for your own actions and stop seeking out traditional relationships with girls you probably know you are not in alignment with. If you believe that you “get bored” because your past and current girlfriends are less educated then only get into relationships with girls you feel are equal or superior to your own intellect.





You current girl seems to be a great catch from your description. My advise is to stop leading her on and breakup with her especially since you don’t see any future. You will face the same dilemma six months later in your future relationships if you repeat the same pattern. In order to get different outcomes, you have to take different actions. You should take MikeH’s advise and try it out. It might not be the easiest route to take but continuing to hurt girls because it’s the easier or the more convenient option is just simply not cool.

I’m not actively seeking out this type of personality but it happens to turn out this way. Also I don’t need a professor or a doctor just someone who can speak on various topics. I agree hurting girls isn’t cool and I can’t imagine doing it to this one so I’ll take some time to consider the sentiment from these comments.

 

[all4naughty69]

Tl/dr: yeah some people like to talk deeply or whatever. That’s cool but it doesn’t provide an immediate next step.




Responding to one claim with another, I guess, and I think about the Ragu lesson. A bunch of years ago, General Mills or Kraft or whoever it was threw down a lot of money to began testing to see what was the best spaghetti sauce they could make. The first few rounds, the numbers were all fucked; they couldn’t learn how to improve anything from one round to the next. It took a while, but they realized there were like 6-8 “favorite” archetypes, and not every single person likes even more than just one of those. So, that’s why overnight it went from like “spaghetti sauce” to “extra chunky” or basil with meat or whatever the combinations seem to be.

MikeH might do perfectly with my ex; she looks like a Hooters girl, and is an all-American gal who likes to play the role of underdog and leave nerds to be nerds; your man naughty69 over here would probably pop a boner if one day she talked about wanting to challenge him about the best way to (insert topic he considers to be smart and nerdy.)

I don’t know if you’re at fault or not, but I do want to be like “lol, trying to define future expectations from one year and two exs - the world is bigger than that” and also urge some self-reflection. One of my true loves I broke up with because I found her copying my interests and habits, which hey, cool she’s into me but I was into her for her. Truth is, we were both a bit immature, and she was developing herself and I was just being impatient and judgemental. Between her and her husband, they’ve got three doctorates, are both rock climbers, and have dinner parties with like, cool people. I go to old-lady themed clubs and post about it. Could I have avoided the outcome of leaving a good relationship on my high horse? Yeah, probably.

Things change; people change; and you may have more there. How old are you all? Under 25? Under 35? If you honestly feel it’s not going to work out, figure out if you’re being cool enough to passively inspire her and receptive enough for her to develop a sense of agency... or not. Move on, but don’t keep fucking up and being with someone you can’t talk to in depth. Meeting people who can talk (and feel like talking to you) in the way you’re looking for may get more difficult as you get older.

I’m only 26 but she’s 32 so I’m already thinking of if she is someone I could potentially marry (thinking far in the future). We still have a slight language barrier as well so we’re trying to work on that but yeah there are a lot of positives that I need to appreciate. Thanks for your insight!

 

[Acid Burn]

I don’t know if it’s me but I always find relationships boring after 6 months or so.

The honeymoon period doesn’t last forever.

but it’s hard to have an intelligent conversation which is the most important for a long relationship... I’m not actively seeking out this type of personality but it happens to turn out this way.

If this is important for you in an LTR, then find someone smart who can carry on a conversation to the level of your expectation.

Do you only find out they’re stupid after 6 months? Or is it just after the newness excitement fizzles and now you gotta look deeper at the person. If they’re not your intillectual type, don’t pursue. You may not actively seek out this type, but you do actively continue the relationship knowing they’re not intellectually at the level you desire. Maybe changing the venue of where you meet your girls will get you a different type.

 

[all4naughty69]

The honeymoon period doesn’t last forever.



If this is important for you in an LTR, then find someone smart who can carry on a conversation to the level of your expectation.

Do you only find out they’re stupid after 6 months? Or is it just after the newness excitement fizzles and now you gotta look deeper at the person. If they’re not your intillectual type, don’t pursue. You may not actively seek out this type, but you do actively continue the relationship knowing they’re not intellectually at the level you desire. Maybe changing the venue of where you meet your girls will get you a different type.

It kind of just happens naturally if I’m enjoying my time with that person and I started the relationship initially because of physical reasons but starting to feel mental is becoming more important. I understand what you mean that I’m actively continuing but i haven’t considered it much until now because I’m at a point where I need to decide if I’m going to stay in Japan mostly for her or move. In the future I’ll be more conscious if starting a new relationship.

 

[Wwanderer]

Really excellent last several posts in this thread - superb advice from @MikeH, @Saitama and @Troilist with @all4naughty69 actually seeming willing to listen and learn (rare on TAG and online in general). Bravo!

Just a couple of comments from me:

- Some people seem to attract and/or be attracted to only people with whom they can't be happy long term, one of God's meaner tricks. I am not sure how to solve the problem, but maybe you have to consider getting involved with women who don't strongly attract you initially but who seem to be good prospects for compatibility on more logical grounds.

- Some people are addicted to "falling in love", to the "honeymoon period" with its strong emotions and thrills, and are always or nearly always going to experience waning interest once it passes. The answer for them is to keep meeting lots of people and to fall in love frequently, but it is very important for them to be honest and clear with each of their new crushes that they are not looking for a long term connection. (This often results in them finding one for some reason!)

-Ww

 

[Simonka]

When you fall in love, you’ll know. There are no second thoughts. It’s like each and every cut of a key unlocking your heart in one perfect turn.
I’ve had some problems in my relationships (who doesn’t) but I’ve never dated someone who would potentially trap me in a dysfunctional relationship. On the long run, my boyfriends were all kind and caring people. But I can’t stay with a person forever because of guilt. If it feels like it’s going nowhere it’s better to part ways, so that’s what I’ve done. Your soulmate might be out there waiting for you when you are trying to convince yourself that you should settle down with this kind gentle person. It’s unfair to both of you to continue being in a relationship if you are not content with it.

 

[majimekun]

... a lower education than me and have poor English skills,

Looks like you don't speak good Japanese. Am I right?
If so you're the one with the lower education and you're part of the problem.

Just wondering who has had experience with this.

After one or two years I get bored too but I manage to get that far because I do lots of activities with my girlfriends. Travel, sport, museums, events and son on, Things that create topics to discuss.

If you can't create a proper environment to build topics then you're the one to blame.
There are so many things to do in Tokyo/Japan.

 

[BB0523]

@all4naughty69 ... I understand what you are saying and can agree to a small degree, but you are the one to pull the trigger to start the relationship. Why so serious ? Why so many expectations? When you have expectations then you are bound to get disappointed in some way or fashion. If you are bored then that's on you... mix it up with her... do different things with her - if she is willing and open to it.. then push the boundaries of her comfort zone and when you are done discuss with her if it made her feel anxious, excited, nervous, etc.. but in the end if she enjoyed it, then it lets you know you can do more (I'm not talking just about sex, but outside stuff too) Just because she is not "educated" does not mean she is stupid (although I could be wrong) Why not teach her something that interest you.. Sounds like you have a block of clay you could mold into what you want... I get that it takes time and effort and if you don't want to put that effort into it then so be it.
If I get bored with a girl then I mix it up... from trying to teach her something I enjoy doing or how to do something she may enjoy, it's a learning process you can both share... as for her being hot... that's completely subjective - unless you provide photographic evidence ...
What does she enjoy doing ? what are her hobbies ? Does she like going to see live music ? does she like to cook ? enjoy riding a bicycle ? Bi-curious ? curious about bondage ? submissive ?
You get the idea... If there is one of these question you can not answer, then..... how much effort have you put in to getting to know her ? It's a 2-way street my friend, and sometimes you need to turn off your GPS and both find the way together... I'm saying marry the girl, but you can squeeze more time and excitement out of what you already have.

Summary: Your boredom is on you.. has nothing to do with her... Up to you to introduce something between the two of you to address Your boredom. BTW: Don't ever tell her you are bored with her... when you decide to end it... just let her down easy and put all the blame on you... since she has nothing to do with your boredom. Just my 2 cents....

 

[Frenchy]

@all4naughty69 ... I understand what you are saying and can agree to a small degree, but you are the one to pull the trigger to start the relationship. Why so serious ? Why so many expectations? When you have expectations then you are bound to get disappointed in some way or fashion. If you are bored then that's on you... mix it up with her... do different things with her - if she is willing and open to it.. then push the boundaries of her comfort zone and when you are done discuss with her if it made her feel anxious, excited, nervous, etc.. but in the end if she enjoyed it, then it lets you know you can do more (I'm not talking just about sex, but outside stuff too) Just because she is not "educated" does not mean she is stupid (although I could be wrong) Why not teach her something that interest you.. Sounds like you have a block of clay you could mold into what you want... I get that it takes time and effort and if you don't want to put that effort into it then so be it.
If I get bored with a girl then I mix it up... from trying to teach her something I enjoy doing or how to do something she may enjoy, it's a learning process you can both share... as for her being hot... that's completely subjective - unless you provide photographic evidence ...
What does she enjoy doing ? what are her hobbies ? Does she like going to see live music ? does she like to cook ? enjoy riding a bicycle ? Bi-curious ? curious about bondage ? submissive ?
You get the idea... If there is one of these question you can not answer, then..... how much effort have you put in to getting to know her ? It's a 2-way street my friend, and sometimes you need to turn off your GPS and both find the way together... I'm saying marry the girl, but you can squeeze more time and excitement out of what you already have.

Summary: Your boredom is on you.. has nothing to do with her... Up to you to introduce something between the two of you to address Your boredom. BTW: Don't ever tell her you are bored with her... when you decide to end it... just let her down easy and put all the blame on you... since she has nothing to do with your boredom. Just my 2 cents....

I think you’re a bit too harsh on him. Some people are (or get) truely boring, not making efforts on their own to be pleasant, entertaining etc but expecting to be pleased and entertained. Happens all the time, both genders, any country, any age etc... Heck even in P4P situations where you would expect the provider to make efforts for the cash received , and not act as the bored one.

 

[MikeH]

Some people are (or get) truely boring, not making efforts on their own to be pleasant, entertaining etc but expecting to be pleased and entertained.

True, but you don't usually need six months to figure that out, with those people it's more like six minutes before you know. If you always end up bored after a while it's definitely on you, not on your partners.

So I also recommend mixing it up like other people have suggested. After six months of missionary you should try doggie once. If you don't like it you can always go back.

 

[just4fun]

Some folks just stop caring...........you become miserable and decide to take whoever's your with down that road with you.

 

[Frenchy]

True, but you don't usually need six months to figure that out, with those people it's more like six minutes before you know. If you always end up bored after a while it's definitely on you, not on your partners.

So I also recommend mixing it up like other people have suggested. After six months of missionary you should try doggie once. If you don't like it you can always go back.

Wise your words are Master Mikey!