Soft/hard breakups, money in relationships and other tangential considerations

[Des Esseintes]

I just broke up with my girlfriend (or rather she broke up with me) because basically she wanted me to give her half of my salary each month and I said no way.

It was very quiet, very matter-of-fact and as you can imagine it left a very unpleasant aftertaste due to the reason of the breakup.

Now I can't really tell over these past few months I have spent with her which part was faked and which part was sincere and that bugs me a bit. Maybe everything was faked as she had planned her move right from the start. But then maybe not. I knew she was in a difficult financial situation so I knew I was gonna have to help her at some point but I didn't expect the kind of abrupt, out of the blue emotional blackmail she eventually resorted to, with the "half of your salary or we no longer see each other" part.

Then I realized that ever since I got to Japan (she was not Japanese but nevermind) all my breakups (about 10 of them) have been on the quiet side with no real discussion, argument or anything. Is that your experience?

For some reason I prefer when all the ugliness, resentment, anger comes to the surface, makes it easier to move on.

How about you? Do you prefer to part very quietly or do you like things to get a little bit heated?

 

[MikeH]

I just broke up with my girlfriend (or rather she broke up with me) because basically she wanted me to give her half of my salary each month and I said no way.

I think that was a good offer; what I have observed from my friends they hand over all the salary money to their wives.

When I was still in the market for a girl friend, in the meaning of moving together and loving only each other for the rest of our natural lives, all of them tended to end very quietly and peacefully. Of course I consider this to be because I am very cool and collected, not to forget intelligent and sweet, person. But I have this nagging feeling it was more because of all the girls realised there was nothing worth fighting for in me.

Anyway, I totally prefer the quiet endings, even now the lady friends I meet usually just drift away when the time is ripe for ending the relationship.

 

[vargas]

I’ve had some spectacular breakups, the best (worst) was after years of boring monogamy her close friend stayed over and we ended up having a drunken threesome with my girl crying and the other girl having the time of her life. Needless to say it was not quiet. I prefer quiet, but it can be a little boring. Usually I guess the feelings are gone by that point and you just don’t care anymore.

I didn't expect the kind of abrupt, out of the blue emotional blackmail she eventually resorted to, with the "half of your salary or we no longer see each other" part.

Come on you’ve gotta give us more details! It was a regular non-sugar relationship? She wanted half your salary to spend on herself? I’m pretty sure I’d laugh my ass off if a girl pulled that. Like really? Who and what do you think you are?

 

[Des Esseintes]

Come on you’ve gotta give us more details! It was a regular non-sugar relationship? She wanted half your salary to spend on herself? I’m pretty sure I’d laugh my ass off if a girl pulled that. Like really? Who and what do you think you are?

Yes, regular relationship. No mention of sugar dating at all at any point. I think I already posted about it somewhere else in these fora. No sex at all during the first three months then normal relationship, felt like there was a real connection, lots of communication everyday, we liked the same movies, the same music, talked at length about that and tons of other stuff, spent the summer holidays together, sexually she gradually became more and more liberated, told me I gave her her first orgasm, turned even kinda sluttish, showing up at random times at my place dressed up as a schoolgirl (not a fantasy of mine but I appreciate the effort). Only thing that bugged me even then: while she's generally very nice and pleasant to be with, has a great sense of humour, I pay for everything, meals, restaurants, hotels, trains, everything (which I'm ok with as I know she's broke) but NEVER get a thank you.

Then the summer was over, she started complaining that she felt her job was tedious and that it was not normal that she had to keep working. She said she thought I didn't care enough about her. She explained that in China (she's Chinese), men spent all their money to show their love to their girlfriend. My presents are not expensive enough, she wants an iPhone 10. She's too tired to see me time and time again. She doesn't want to live with me yet because it's too early but she needs my money (so it's not too early for that).

Then we meet for dinner. I try to sort out the situation. The discussion is inconclusive. She tells me let's take some more time to think about it. She says that she understands the cultural differences so we should find a middle ground. Then no more communication. Over, done.

Now I can't help but re-live the whole thing with this new filter applied to everything that happened: did she fake her tastes in arts so that I would like her? Was her affection, that seemed so genuine at the time, fake? Was the sex fake? Was everything just a game to get me to spend more and more? Or did she genuinely like me but then grew tired of me at some point? I will probably never know.

 

[User#8628]

I'd say in a marriage its normal to share salary, in a relationship it isn't.

I really prefer quiet. I hate drama.
It gives both people a bad feeling to be accused of all kind of things.
Yes, if its quiet it usually means the feelings are gone or not so deep. But isn't that preferable at the point of a breakup.
If you're feeling a lot but you dont want to show her, it can be fun to out your frustration another way. Go boxing or sing angry breakup songs in karaoke or something.

 

[Des Esseintes]

I suppose I like the drama when I'm the one being jilted. I like to know what happened since I suck at reading the air as they say in Japanese.

If I'm the one breaking up then of course I prefer it to go quietly. It's never pleasant to be sitting in front of her in a restaurant wondering how much longer she's going to cry.

 

[Frenchy]

Always quiet and peaceful, of course

(Just kidding )

 

[User#8628]

I suppose I like the drama when I'm the one being jilted. I like to know what happened since I suck at reading the air as they say in Japanese.

If I'm the one breaking up then of course I prefer it to go quietly. It's never pleasant to be sitting in front of her in a restaurant wondering how much longer she's going to cry.

Yeah, its good to have a general idea what you have done wrong, but my last ex in my homecountry made me feel pretty guilty. I needed to get away, but i shouldn't have ended things the way i did.

 

[User#6517]

When I would date, I preferred the quiet method. Cut ties, wish them the best, and if you think it’s necessary, block them on social media and delete their contact info.

I personally can’t deal with a partner crying in front of me or have them feel like everything’s their fault, so I do not like being harsh or only criticizing their wrongs (if there are any) and not mine.. especially if you know that they’re already going through a lot in other areas of life.

 

[vargas]

She explained that in China (she's Chinese), men spent all their money to show their love to their girlfriend. My presents are not expensive enough, she wants an iPhone 10. She's too tired to see me time and time again. She doesn't want to live with me yet because it's too early but she needs my money (so it's not too early for that).

Ohhh that explains a lot! Chinese girls can be incredibly materialistic. Well I suppose girls everywhere can, but I’ve also found many Chinese girls really aggressive and direct. Hear various stories about how badly they’re spoiled by guys back home too, whereas I get the impression Japanese guys would just go play video games or something instead of dealing with girls like that.

It’s a really interesting contrast with Japanese girls. I find the directness refreshing but it can definitely be too much and don’t find aggressiveness very appealing outside the bedroom.

 

[just4fun]

I love when they cry in front of me. I lite up a smoke and order another drink.

I hate when I have to beg them to come back.......all the false promises I'll make just so I can make them fall for me again so I can enjoy that smoke and drink scenario.

I've had both actually.....I like a good screaming match when it's called for. I hate the Dear John letters.....

 

[Des Esseintes]

Ohhh that explains a lot! Chinese girls can be incredibly materialistic. Well I suppose girls everywhere can, but I’ve also found many Chinese girls really aggressive and direct. Hear various stories about how badly they’re spoiled by guys back home too, whereas I get the impression Japanese guys would just go play video games or something instead of dealing with girls like that.

It’s a really interesting contrast with Japanese girls. I find the directness refreshing but it can definitely be too much and don’t find aggressiveness very appealing outside the bedroom.

I'm more attracted to Chinese girls since I like directness and they seem much better educated with a better sense of humour (at least the ones who made it to Japan) but it's only the second time I have a relationship with one. And yes a lot of friends confirmed what you said, including Chinese female friends I talked to these past few days. I just wish the breakup could also have been more direct and aggressive.

 

[TAG Manager]

Fuck that noise. I don’t mind taking care of my girl, but I’d never just give up half of my salary just because she demands it.

I had relationships early in life that left me with a pile of bills, I was stupid back then. I paid off all that and moved to Japan shortly after...

In all cases, I prefer quiet, amicable breakups. Sometimes, that’s when all the ugliness comes out but I try and keep a cool head and work through it.

At least in Japan, I've not yet had a really messy breakup and some I still keep contact with.

 

[Frenchy]

I love when they cry in front of me. I lite up a smoke and order another drink.

I hate when I have to beg them to come back.......all the false promises I'll make just so I can make them fall for me again so I can enjoy that smoke and drink scenario.

I've had both actually.....I like a good screaming match when it's called for. I hate the Dear John letters.....

I agree, sometimes the only way we can progress as humans is when someone put your nose so deep into your own bullshit that you just cant pretend anymore its not here. Worked for me (but its always work in progress, granted) and for some of the ladies who were smart enough to understand that.

 

[vargas]

I'm more attracted to Chinese girls since I like directness and they seem much better educated with a better sense of humour (at least the ones who made it to Japan) but it's only the second time I have a relationship with one. And yes a lot of friends confirmed what you said, including Chinese female friends I talked to these past few days. I just wish the breakup could also have been more direct and aggressive.

Definitely! One of my regular girls is Chinese, well educated and hard working, loves Japan and her personality is a little Japanese-ish so not too bad. She’s definitely not sticky sweet like Japanese girls tend to be but very warm, just doesn’t put up with shit . So fear not, there’s lots of better behaved girls out there, yours sounds a bit too far on the crazy side anyway

 

[Frenchy]

Yes, regular relationship. No mention of sugar dating at all at any point. I think I already posted about it somewhere else in these fora. No sex at all during the first three months then normal relationship, felt like there was a real connection, lots of communication everyday, we liked the same movies, the same music, talked at length about that and tons of other stuff, spent the summer holidays together, sexually she gradually became more and more liberated, told me I gave her her first orgasm, turned even kinda sluttish, showing up at random times at my place dressed up as a schoolgirl (not a fantasy of mine but I appreciate the effort). Only thing that bugged me even then: while she's generally very nice and pleasant to be with, has a great sense of humour, I pay for everything, meals, restaurants, hotels, trains, everything (which I'm ok with as I know she's broke) but NEVER get a thank you.

Then the summer was over, she started complaining that she felt her job was tedious and that it was not normal that she had to keep working. She said she thought I didn't care enough about her. She explained that in China (she's Chinese), men spent all their money to show their love to their girlfriend. My presents are not expensive enough, she wants an iPhone 10. She's too tired to see me time and time again. She doesn't want to live with me yet because it's too early but she needs my money (so it's not too early for that).

Then we meet for dinner. I try to sort out the situation. The discussion is inconclusive. She tells me let's take some more time to think about it. She says that she understands the cultural differences so we should find a middle ground. Then no more communication. Over, done.

Now I can't help but re-live the whole thing with this new filter applied to everything that happened: did she fake her tastes in arts so that I would like her? Was her affection, that seemed so genuine at the time, fake? Was the sex fake? Was everything just a game to get me to spend more and more? Or did she genuinely like me but then grew tired of me at some point? I will probably never know.

The "never get a thank you" part is what pisses me off the most. God knows I paid and offered a lot to my wife , and at the beginning I was OK with it, but the complete lack of gratitude , the being-taken-for-granted thing, that's what surely kills relationships in the long run. Believe me, you were right to ditch her (or to let her ditch you by not accepting her blackmail)

 

[just4fun]

I get thank you's for everything..........but no lovin anymore........that's the sad part to getting hitched to a Japanese. I had an American woman for 14 + years and got affection 3-4 times a week like clockwork. That was an interesting breakup lemme tell ya. Quiet not noisy......

 

[jhingy567]

For me, 'drama' in a breakup context is things like shouting, being super emotional, throwing stuff/getting violent, name calling or other childish behaviours etc. Don't know how anyone could prefer this over the 'quiet' option...

She wanted half the salary in cash?? (even in marriage it would only be fair if she reciprocated)
Presents not expensive enough?? IPhone X?? -is she 15?

If in the O.P's shoes, I'd be thankful it didn't proceed any further. Maybe even have a little celebration .... But that's just me.
Not saying that girl is a bad person or anything (to her credit she's very upfront)... But she reeks of selfishness and low self awareness.

My mum always warns me not to date PRC girls to avoid the problems and character traits like O.P described. (yes, i also seem to think it's a cultural/upbringing thing)

 

[Des Esseintes]

For me, 'drama' in a breakup context is things like shouting, being super emotional, throwing stuff/getting violent, name calling or other childish behaviours etc. Don't know how anyone could prefer this over the 'quiet' option...

I don't know, while I don't like people shouting and never shout or act violently myself, I kinda like the post-breakup drama in a private setting. I like to hear what she really thinks of me even if it's unpleasant to hear. I know there's a lot of things I'm clueless about as far as relationships go and if no one tells me I feel like I can never improve.

In that case the only thing she really thought was probably "I'm not getting my new iPhone from this guy, time to move on" so maybe not really worth the unpleasantness.

She wanted half the salary in cash?? (even in marriage it would only be fair if she reciprocated)
Presents not expensive enough?? IPhone X?? -is she 15?

If in the O.P's shoes, I'd be thankful it didn't proceed any further. Maybe even have a little celebration .... But that's just me.
Not saying that girl is a bad person or anything (to her credit she's very upfront)... But she reeks of selfishness and low self awareness.

My mum always warns me not to date PRC girls to avoid the problems and character traits like O.P described. (yes, i also seem to think it's a cultural/upbringing thing)

I'm both thankful and apprehensive because I have a date with another Chinese girl next week and if I like her, I don't know how to find out beforehand where she stands as far as shameless money-grabbing is concerned.

 

[Frenchy]

I don't know, while I don't like people shouting and never shout or act violently myself, I kinda like the post-breakup drama in a private setting. I like to hear what she really thinks of me even if it's unpleasant to hear. I know there's a lot of things I'm clueless about as far as relationships go and if no one tells me I feel like I can never improve.

In that case the only thing she really thought was probably "I'm not getting my new iPhone from this guy, time to move on" so maybe not really worth the unpleasantness.



I'm both thankful and apprehensive because I have a date with another Chinese girl next week and if I like her, I don't know how to find out beforehand where she stands as far as shameless money-grabbing is concerned.

Well, maybe you should start like this "Hi, I'm Des Esseintes, and I hate shameless money-grabbers, are you one of them?" Then see how it goes...

 

[TAG Manager]

Well, maybe you should start like this "Hi, I'm Des Esseintes, and I hate shameless money-grabbers, are you one of them?" Then see how it goes...

The direct approach, I like it.

I was just having a conversation with someone recently and I think I've come to my own personal conclusion that I prefer Japanese girls who've attained a western education and have spent enough time abroad to get some of my humor and slang. I'm not sure I could survive a LTR with a Japanese girl who hasn't been abroad or spent a decent amount of time overseas where she could expand her understanding of other cultures. (Selfishly, I'm speaking of English speaking countries.)

The PRC girls, I've had run-ins with them before, aside from some really nice girls I've worked with before, I won't be looking for any sort of relationship there.

 

[jhingy567]

Well, maybe you should start like this "Hi, I'm Des Esseintes, and I hate shameless money-grabbers, are you one of them?" Then see how it goes...

This isn't such a bad idea imo(obviously phrased differently with other probing Qs).
If she is an upfront person, it might help avoid problems down the track for both of you.

 

[Frenchy]

This isn't such a bad idea imo(obviously phrased differently with other probing Qs).
If she is an upfront person, it might help avoid problems down the track for both of you.

I had an American girlfriend who started with "oh please do not give anything to me worth more than $10, i'm not at all interested in your money etc" and fast forward 2 years , just before her last trip to Tokyo, wrote as a matter of fact "I expect you to pay for everything". So I guess no nationality is immune to that type of behaviour

 

[Des Esseintes]

I had an American girlfriend who started with "oh please do not give anything to me worth more than $10, i'm not at all interested in your money etc" and fast forward 2 years , just before her last trip to Tokyo, wrote as a matter of fact "I expect you to pay for everything". So I guess no nationality is immune to that type of behaviour

I didn't mean to derail my own thread but yes I'm aware of that. I only heard of that stereotype about Chinese girls this week when talking about it to several friends as they all reacted like Vargas when I mentioned her nationality. I wonder whether Chinese guys cope with that kind of shit because they're demographically at a disadvantage towards women (I heard it's a bit of a sausage fest over there with many guys forced to remain single their whole life).

 

[jiraiyajiraiya]

I prefer quiet breakup, but at least give me some closure. Some lady just don't want to talk about it at all, preferring to go silently. I am a man that they call cannot read the air.
At least talk a sentence or something.
"Hi, let's breakup, it's been a nightmare thank you."