Terrible Dad Jokes Thread

[Frenchy]

From SB-chan so it’s a terrible mom’s joke

a lady hesitates between marrying a doctor or an engineer

they are both kind, wealthy , very fond of her ...

The doctor lavishes her with nice gifts , fancy dinners, and flowers everyday

The engineer also spoils her with gifts, similarly expensive dates and... apples everyday

So she’s puzzled by this and finally asks why ...


His answer : an apple everyday keeps the doctor away

 

[IchigoDave]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo.

One is heavy. The other is a little lighter.

 

[just4fun]

 

[shadowboxer]

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

 

[SugoiBoy]

Why is Prime Minister Suga skinny?

Because of the Diet.

 

[shadowboxer]

Did you know the original French fries weren’t fried in France?

They were fried in Grease.

 

[Acid Burn]

Did you know the original French fries weren’t fried in France?

They were fried in Grease.

Objection!

Did you know the first french fries were not made in France? They were made in Greece.

 

[Ken1988]

Objection!

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

This one was the first in this thread...

 

[Sudsy]

This morning my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list

Now I can't read anything.

 

[Frenchy]

This morning my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list

Now I can't read anything.

ah ah, kinda reminds me when I was a young kid and my mom was scolding me for beeing lazy and saying I should buy some « huile de coude » (elbow oil). Its a French expression meaning putting more efforts .

so I had no clue what it meant and next time I went to our village’s grocery store I asked the shop owner for some elbow oil. Of course she laughed and repeated it later to my mother. She’s still laughing about it 40 years later

 

[shadowboxer]

Objection!

Damn it, I should RTFF!

 

[shadowboxer]

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

 

[UnicornHunter]

« huile de coude » (elbow oil).

"Elbow grease" in America

 

[Frenchy]

"Elbow grease" in America

Thanks
Didn’t know there was a similar expression

 

[UnicornHunter]

Thanks
Didn’t know there was a similar expression

When I was in pre school, my mother told me not to "get my bowels in an uproar"!
Confused, I asked her, "What type of lion is that?"

True story

 

[just4fun]

 

[shadowboxer]

If Russians pronounce B’s as V’s then Soviet.

 

[AMcguyver]

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

 

[just4fun]

 

[Sudsy]

So, after a long vetting process, my application to become a foreign member of the LDP has been rejected.

Not because my income was too low.

Not because I failed the criminal records check.

Not because of my history with Putin.

No.

They rejected me because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

 

[shadowboxer]

A Roman walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”

The bartender says “You mean a martini?”

The Roman replies “No, if I wanted a double I would have asked for it.”

 

[MikeH]

The Roman replies “No, if I wanted a double I would have asked for it.”

If you want multiple you need to ask for ani.

 

[shadowboxer]

Have you heard of the band called 1023MB?

Probably not. They never could put a gig together.

 

[IchigoDave]

Why couldn’t the 12 year old see the pirate movie?

It was rated arrrr!

 

[shadowboxer]

Becoming vegetarian was a huge missed steak.