Terrible Dad Jokes Thread

[just4fun]

My wife asked if I’ve seen the cat bowl.
I never knew it could!!!!

 

[Sudsy]

For my birthday, my kid got me an alarm clock that will access my media server and pull various music to wake me up.

Unfortunately, it only seems to pull late 60s Jamaican ska.

What a rude awakening.

 

[just4fun]

 

[IchigoDave]

I had to quit my construction job because I’m just not strong enough. I gave them my too weak notice.

 

[IchigoDave]

My friend accused me of stealing her thesaurus. Not only was I shocked, but I was appalled, aghast, and dismayed.

 

[Karbon]

 

[Sudsy]

That's ape-solutely not a dad joke... and you shouldn't be monkeying around with memes in this thread.

In other news, today I learned that humans actually eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey...

 

[IchigoDave]

Back when I only painted portraits, my work was very unpopular. But ever since I started painting gatherings of people, I’ve been drawing large crowds

 

[just4fun]

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something!

 

[just4fun]

I’m always asked why I bring two pairs of socks with me when I go golfing.
It’s in case I get a hole in one!!!

 

[Sudsy]

So I went to the sperm bank today and the nurse asked me to masturbate in the cup.

I mean, I’m flattered, but I really don’t think I’m ready for competition.

 

[IchigoDave]

 

[just4fun]

I‘ve started telling people the benefits of eating dried grapes

.
It’s about raisin awareness

 

[just4fun]

A friend of mine had his coffee stolen!
He was mugged!!!!

 

[just4fun]

 

[MikeH]

Do not ask any 20-something if you can play the b-side as they would not have any idea you mean record but would decipher it totally different.

On second thought do ask for it and see if you get lucky.

 

[zifix]

Well MCs had a B-side too, right?

 

[just4fun]

My dog accidentally ate a whole bag of scrabble tiles. So we took him to the vet.
No word yet!

 

[just4fun]

If a child refuses a nap, are they resisting a rest?!?

 

[IchigoDave]

Did you hear about the appetizer that Indian restaurant served?

It was a naan starter.

 

[just4fun]

Yesterday I spotted an Albino Dalmation!!!! It was the best I could do for him!!!

 

[IchigoDave]

What does a robot do for a one night stand?

Nuts and bolts.

 

[just4fun]

I'm not saying I'm attractive. But every time I go into the bathroom and take my clothes off,…….I turn the shower on!!!!!

 

[Sudsy]

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says, "You're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am." - and vanishes from existence.













For those who don't get it, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, "I think, therefore I am."

















To have explained that part at the start would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

 

[just4fun]

Last night I ordered an egg

and chicken

off Amazon!
I'll let you know!!!!