Terrible Dad Jokes Thread

[Sudsy]

I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me The two introduced themselves as Sven and Ulf. Ulf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Ulf piped up:

"If you go to carriage 4, you can get a Guinness, you idiot. You can also find a Stella in carriage 6, dumbass. There's also someone microbrewing in the front of the train, but he looks stupid."

I was a bit taken aback at how mean Ulf was, but I thanked him for the information. Soon after, when he got up to go to the bathroom, I asked Sven what the deal was with his friend.

"Don't worry" he said. "He may be a little abrasive, but Rude Ulf the red knows train beer."

 

[Sudsy]

Not sure if anyone saw it, but there was a very impressive showing at the Paralympics this summer by a javelin thrower with Parkinson's.

His name was Shakespeare.

 

[just4fun]

 

[Sudsy]

There was a young man
From Cork who got limericks
And haiku confused.

A clear river flowing with leaves
Runs through a red forest of trees
Such a vision of maple
Is a boon if you're able
To sit still and attain inner peace.

 

[TheLetterD]

I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

 

[Sudsy]

For our American friends:

What do you do after you finish a magazine in school?

You reload.

You may not get that joke.

It's aimed at a younger audience.

 

[AMcguyver]

Did you know?
You can tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile by paying attention to if the animal sees you later or after a while.

 

[AMcguyver]

Apparently you can't use "beef stew" as a password.

It's not stroganoff.

 

[Sudsy]

Apparently you can't use "beef stew" as a password.

It's not stroganoff.

Of course it isn't.

Beef stroganoff is a later day colloquialism, often used in rural North America - specifically in the Southeastern United States - where it is used to describe the actions of a herd of cattle masturbating.

 

[AMcguyver]

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards.

That's right. The steaks were pretty high.

 

[TheLetterD]

 

[TheLetterD]

 

[AMcguyver]

I once swallowed a book of synonyms.

It's given me thesaurus throat l've ever had.

 

[Danbo]

 

[AMcguyver]

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn't planet that way

 

[AMcguyver]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and a South African went to a night club.

The bouncer said: ``Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.''

 

[MikeH]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and a South African went to a night club.

The bouncer said: ``Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.''

And the Swede said "but we made cinnamon buns, want to have some?".

 

[thirdman]

Why did the sperm cross the road?
Cause I put on the wrong socks.

 

[kyngder]

Not exactly a dad joke except in a meta way but I was on a trip to Texas last year and a local brewery had a Japanese rice lager called Oyaji Gyagu. I was the only one who laughed.