The Failure of the Year

MikeH

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When you are trying new things sometimes you succeed, sometimes you fail. Sometimes you fail so bad it burns you to the ground, leaves scars and becomes a story. Gather around boys and girls, it's Uncle Mike's story time.

This happened a long long time ago in a far away land. Namely in the beginning of the week in Yokohama, but at least it is now already Friday night and I have several Johnny Walker's Double Blacks in me so I feel I can tell this without breaking down in tears.

Everyone should know by now that Uncle Mike as one of the founding members of Ai-chan Fan Club in TAG will never think anyone else has a magic touch as good as her. But Shinbashi being sometimes a long trip away Uncle Mike has tried slowly but steadily comb through the massage parlours of Kanagawa.

Success has been somewhat limited to say the least. Some people would express horror on how many sexy ball massaging Chinese girls there actually are whose only properly pronounced Japanese words are "you can now do it yourself". But of course Uncle Mike cannot, it is against his religion. And so the search goes on.

This fine sunny and beautiful day, though actually it was snowing and pretty miserable, Uncle Mike found himself around Yokohama station with an hour and a half to spend. So he braced his umbrella and went to town. After losing all track of his position he finally finds a sign saying massage in the 3rd floor. The sign outside says Today's Special is one hour oil massage for five thousand.

Uncle Mike climbs the steps and is greeted by a 40 year old Chinese mama-san. Despite her age she is still fit, flat stomach and a pair of boobs that stretch nicely the woollen pullover. Mike also spots a young spinner in a tight dress disappearing to the back room. This is looking promising he thinks.

The mama-san whose tits are now staring Uncle Mike in the eyes explains that the five thousand yen massage is on your stomach, but the much better 10.000 yen for 70 mins has also lymph massage. On your back she continues with a mischievous smile. Knowing the deal Uncle Mike goes for the recommended course and notices he has forgotten to go to the ATM. After draining his wallet completely to the mama-san he is good to go.

Of to the room that is where mama-san introduces Mike to his girl. Both of the introduced persons stop dead in their tracks and exchange the looks of deer frozen in the car lights. The girl because he sees a white devil, Uncle Mike because instead of a cute young spinner or at least the mama-san with her tits he sees something very different.

The girl fulfils one half of Uncle Mike's requirements. And I don't mean she fill half of them, just half of one. She is short but this girl ain't no spinner, no mam. I am not saying if she spins the Japan Meteorological Agency will issue a tsunami warning, at least if we are inland. But I am saying if Uncle Mike would spin with her, yes sir, that would be recorded and people would be fleeing.

Well, you pay your monies and you take your chances, now it is just going to be 70 minutes of hopefully good massage so Uncle Mike strips down to his natural state and is then promptly handed a pair of paper pants. And these are no tiny T-strings like in some shops, no sir, these are serious baba-pants. Even with Uncle Mike's less than tiny waist he estimates his favourite spinner would fit in there with him and there would still be enough space to have sex too.

To be honest the pants are a kind of relief at this point so like the good boy he is he goes to the bed face down and waits for his destiny. The destiny reappears and starts a surprisingly good and strong massage. Uncle Mike is actually feeling good and just about to fall to sleep when he realises there is now only one hand massaging him and the other hand is suspiciously absent. The reason becomes clear in a few seconds when a Chinese TV drama starts at full volume in the smart phone held on the other hand of the masseuse. Of course around 3 centimetres away from Uncle Mike's left ear.

The one-handed Chinese TV drama blasting massage goes on for around ten minutes and finally away goes the phone and in comes the oil. And there is lots of it, and the oily hands go in all the right places inside the baggy paper pants. Uncle Mike goes to his happy place and imagines young spinners all around. Then comes the flip and with it the dreaded up-sell.

To be honest Uncle Mike cannot even understand it at first. The girl speaks in tongues and only after several failed tries Uncle Mike understands she is throwing Japanese, English and Chinese words into the mix like a bunch of drunken Koreans money to the show girls in Angeles City. This is the first time Uncle Mike is happy his wallet is empty, the girl points out there must be a credit card there somewhere but Uncle Mike explains it cannot be used as it's the company's credit card. He ain't lying either, just that the company is himself.

Realising the failure of her sales pitch the girl then puts her finger in front of her mouth and motions Uncle Mike to move on. Understanding, again wrong, her intentions Uncle Mike gives her room just to be surprised when the girl lays down on the bed instead of Uncle and motions him to massage her shoulders. Being a good boy that's then exactly what he does. After the shoulders are done it's time for the lower back and then legs.

Uncle Mike gives it all he has, and to be honest to get that kind of mass to move he really has to work hard. After around ten minutes the girl shows the international OK mark and then tells Uncle Mike that time's up, would it be cold or hot tea? A wave of accomplishment and inner peace flows through Uncle Mike; understanding he just spend 10.000 hard earned yens for 20 minutes of OK massage, followed by 10 minutes of Chinese TV drama, 20 minutes of oily balls and 10 minutes of him giving a proper massage to the girl leaves him content that nothing more can actually go wrong, like ever. And for those who followed this far, yeah, he actually ended being cut short for 10 minutes too.

But that's not all as they say in TV shopping. In with the cold tea comes the request for phone contact so the girl can call Uncle Mike to visit the shop again. Because he is such a sweet boy Uncle Mike hands a phone to the girl who promptly goes to record her number in it. The girl then tries to make a phone call with Uncle's phone to herself, but that fails. Uncle Mike explains it must be because of the bad reception and he ain't a lying boy either. The reception normally is bad if the phone doesn't have a SIM card.

The girl gives up, at least Uncle Mike has her number now and he can call at any time he likes she explains. Because he is such a sweet boy. To make her point understood she pulls one massive tit out of the bra and flashes it to Uncle Mike. Well, I guess we will mark that as a win at least.

Going down the stairs the complete situation finally starts to dawn on him so he emerges from the building with a huge grin. So big it actually hurts the jaw. That also catches the attention of a nearby tout who tells him "hey, you look happy". To which Uncle Mike can only answer "because beautiful things happen to beautiful people".
 
Quite the entertaining tale, Uncle Mike! Thank you for sharing.:LOL:

Though we're still only in the first quarter of 2018, so maybe a little early to be calling it the "Failure of the Year" yet? ;)
 
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Though we're still only in the first quarter of 2018, so maybe a little early to be calling it the "Failure of the Year" yet? ;)

Don't jinx it now; by nominating it the worst failure of the year I am trying to prevent the following ones being even worse. :p
 
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I have had similar experiences in a few different flavors. It's pretty difficult for me to go for the up-sell as I've been burned that way more than too many times. Even being able to speak Chinese at some level doesn't get around the initial "mis-communication" since that's part of the game they are playing.
 
It's pretty difficult for me to go for the up-sell as I've been burned that way more than too many times.

Been there, done that and couldn't even afford a t-shirt afterwards.

Normally I just refuse any and all up-sell offers kindly but firmly. Especially in massage parlours. As the spirit is usually strong but the flesh weak going in to a new place I just carry the cash I am willing to burn and not a single bill more. So even if I stumble and I fall the loss is limited.
 
Normally I just refuse any and all up-sell offers kindly but firmly. Especially in massage parlours. As the spirit is usually strong but the flesh weak going in to a new place I just carry the cash I am willing to burn and not a single bill more. So even if I stumble and I fall the loss is limited.
One of us has been using the other one's playbook.

And if I happen to have more on me than I am willing to burn I take the overage out of my wallet and put it in my bag or any other place so I can show an empty wallet when my limit has been reached.
 
I take the overage out of my wallet and put it in my bag or any other place so I can show an empty wallet when my limit has been reached.

Either that handbook of hard knocks is an international best seller or we are brothers.


Afterwards I was thinking the only way to make it even more perfect would be to have an STD scare afterwards. I am tempted to call her up just to check her hands. I hope she at least used natural coconut oil so I don't get ball cancer.
 
We need Wong Kar Wai to make this movie of Uncle Mike and Christopher Doyle is a cinematographer, so the scenes will be real dark and the camera is shaking left to right and up and down all the time like Chungking Express. Fucking Epic!

Thanks for sharing. I had pretty similar experience with pretty much the same kind of place, but different country and no Chinese TV drama on smartphone.
 
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Wonderful. I agree with the commenter above - this sounds a Wong Kar Wai film edited by William Gibson. There was something very 90s about it.

Glad you survived.
 
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