The science of dating/relationships

[majimekun]

Let's share scientifically proven facts and studies results.

Here is one I've found today :

“We found women were aware benevolent sexist men may be patronizing and undermining. However, they still found these men more attractive, because these behaviors signal a willingness to protect, provide, and commit,” Gul says.

https://www.futurity.org/benevolent-sexism-1820852-2/

 

[LeonGRAY]

/in before this topic turns into a misogyny rant against women

 

[LeonGRAY]

https://www.google.nl/amp/s/www.sci...-attractive-to-woman-according-to-science/amp

 

[RightOn6975]

I gave up on dating in Japan, it’s a whole different ball game here. Though I will admit that when I s

Let's share scientifically proven facts and studies results.

Here is one I've found today :



https://www.futurity.org/benevolent-sexism-1820852-2/

Craig Ferguson has proven this fact time and time again with women who come on to his show and all of them interact positively to his overwhelmingly sexual innuendo flirts and male dominated views and penis jokes.

 

[Wwanderer]

My advice, fwiiw, is that you should NOT consciously try to modify your behavior, appearance, personality traits, interests, activities etc etc verey much, if at all.

At best, if it helps you attract women, it will most likely be women whose interest you will not be able to maintain as they get to know you better. In other words, attracting women by presenting yourself as someone different from your “real self” will lead to disappointment and pain for both of you once things get serious, real and/or long-term.

At worst, you will make yourself miserable and stressed without even getting the “reward” of successfully attracting women. Indeed, women are often so socially and psychologically perceptive that they will quickly notice that you are not "being yourself" and will thus regard you as a phony and/or as “desperate”...about the least attractive traits you can have in the eyes of most women.

-Ww

 

[LeonGRAY]

My advice, fwiiw, is that you should NOT consciously try to modify your behavior, appearance, personality traits, interests, activities etc etc verey much, if at all.

At best, if it helps you attract women, it will most likely be women whose interest you will not be able to maintain as they get to know you better. In other words, attracting women by presenting yourself as someone different from your “real self” will lead to disappointment and pain for both of you once things get serious, real and/or long-term.

At worst, you will make yourself miserable and stressed without even getting the “reward” of successfully attracting women. Indeed, women are often so socially and psychologically perceptive that they will quickly notice that you are not "being yourself" and will thus regard you as a phony and/or as “desperate”...about the least attractive traits you can have in the eyes of most women.

-Ww

"Just be yourself" is destructive advice. Making it an acceptable or unchangeable part of who we are. Whether we see it as a part of our nature or simply as something we “can’t fix” this lie helps us avoid feeling responsible.

“just being yourself” is actually something that works really well — but for someone who’s struggling with it, just telling them to do it won’t help. It’s like telling someone at the gym to “just be strong” instead of giving them a workout plan. It won’t help them.

At worst, you will make yourself miserable and stressed without even getting the “reward” of successfully attracting women. Indeed, women are often so socially and psychologically perceptive that they will quickly notice that you are not "being yourself" and will thus regard you as a phony and/or as “desperate”...about the least attractive traits you can have in the eyes of most women.

This is not our authentic self; it’s based on fear-based strategies to protect the heart. If “being yourself” includes self-sabotaging strategies like these, the advice to “just be yourself” will keep these patterns in place instead of helping you to break free from them.

Don't be yourself. Be your best self.

 

[Wwanderer]

"Just be yourself" is destructive advice.

Well, fwiiw, it has worked REALLY WELL for me for the last 50 years or so and in many many contexts professional and personal, including relationships with quite a good number of women.

To be clear, I'm not saying that I'm appealing to most women, just the opposite in fact. I am far too odd (to put it politely) for the large majority of women, but the ones who do find me to their liking are more than numerous enough for me and, best of all, are attracted to the actual me, oddness and all.

This is not our authentic self; it’s based on fear-based strategies to protect the heart. If “being yourself” includes self-sabotaging strategies like these, the advice to “just be yourself” will keep these patterns in place instead of helping you to break free from them.

To what "self-sabatoging strategies" do you refer in the phrase I made bold in the above quote? It's not obvious to me.

Don't be yourself. Be your best self.

Conversations on this topic tend to become murky quickly and are prone to having people attack straw man views no one actually holds. So, to try to be a little clearer, let me say that it is not that I think self-improvement and personal growth are bad things to pursue...obviously not. Rather what I consider (very) unwise is to try to present/sell oneself to others in an intentionally inaccurate or misleading way (whether to attract a specific woman/man or demographically typical women/men....whose preferences are supposedly revealed by the links posted at the top of this thread, or to any person or people for whatever purpose). Nor, imo at least, is it a good idea to choose one's self-improvement goals for such purposes.

In other words, I'm perfectly good with someone being or trying to become their "best self" but think it is a very common and an extremely bad idea to allow "best self" to be defined as "most pleasing to some other(s) self". This is what the article you linked in the 3rd post of the thread implicitly suggests that guys should be doing. That is a truly and almost literally "self-destructive strategy" Imo.

-Ww

 

[BB0523]

Maybe "being your natural-self" ? ? One could argue that when they are themselves they are not attracting opposite sex like they would want, so then they try a different strategy - becoming someone that is less like them self but what they think is more "appealing" . This can work and most often will work, then when the "true" self comes out it can cause a problem...Maybe.. I think when someone says be your "best" self... you are focusing on your best traits... not that you are hiding your other aspects, but rather highlighting your best part of yourself - not in a boastful way, but a natural way... If you can make someone laugh, that is worth it's weight in gold and most people like to laugh... being able to laugh at yourself in situations you have found yourself in is probably even better.. it shows you are human and open enough to let them see what some would consider vulnerability. Not so "Macho" as some could say, but it is more attractive I would think to the opposite sex. I think the goal should always be to meet another person, treat them how you want to be treated and not force anything... at the end of the day, you may find you have met a unique person and you get along... or you find you don't click with them, but it was nice to learn that as well so there is still value in the interaction.
I hear others too often say that when they met they were perfect... then as time goes on the perfect wears off... could be true, or you just seeing things more clearer... Sorry, no scientific data to back up this opinion that's why it's an opinion and not scientific fact

Accept who you are first, like yourself and then be the part you like the most. Try not to be insecure, this leads to jealousy, controlling and manipulative behavior which are far more damaging to a relationship then average looks... IMO....

Get to know the person... ask questions and listen to responses... you know "normal conversation"

 

[Wwanderer]

Maybe "being your natural-self" ? ? One could argue that when they are themselves they are not attracting opposite sex like they would want, so then they try a different strategy - becoming someone that is less like them self but what they think is more "appealing" . This can work and most often will work, then when the "true" self comes out it can cause a problem...Maybe.. I think when someone says be your "best" self... you are focusing on your best traits... not that you are hiding your other aspects, but rather highlighting your best part of yourself - not in a boastful way, but a natural way... If you can make someone laugh, that is worth it's weight in gold and most people like to laugh... being able to laugh at yourself in situations you have found yourself in is probably even better.. it shows you are human and open enough to let them see what some would consider vulnerability. Not so "Macho" as some could say, but it is more attractive I would think to the opposite sex. I think the goal should always be to meet another person, treat them how you want to be treated and not force anything... at the end of the day, you may find you have met a unique person and you get along... or you find you don't click with them, but it was nice to learn that as well so there is still value in the interaction.
I hear others too often say that when they met they were perfect... then as time goes on the perfect wears off... could be true, or you just seeing things more clearer... Sorry, no scientific data to back up this opinion that's why it's an opinion and not scientific fact

Accept who you are first, like yourself and then be the part you like the most. Try not to be insecure, this leads to jealousy, controlling and manipulative behavior which are far more damaging to a relationship then average looks... IMO....

Get to know the person... ask questions and listen to responses... you know "normal conversation"

One like is not enough for this post; I’d give it many if I could.

I don’t regard myself as very well informed about PUA/nampa matters, but this post contains far better advice and deeper insights than I have ever seen from that crowd.

Bravo!

-Ww

 

[BB0523]

One like is not enough for this post; I’d give it many if I could.

I don’t regard myself as very well informed about PUA/nampa matters, but this post contains far better advice and deeper insights than I have ever seen from that crowd.

Bravo!

-Ww

Thank you @Wwanderer ... I never considered myself a PUA... but more a interactionist ? Maybe not a word, but interacting with people... Of course I was always able to meet new women, some were quite amazing...other's were, well let's say less than ideal..

It seems to me in this modern age of "social media" that people do not have "social" skills or are too lazy to try them... Maybe I'm just getting old. I love to watch people... airports are a great place for that and since I do a fair amount of traveling with my job, I am "lucky" to spend lots of time in the aiports to watch people...
to be honest tho..... I find myself not liking to interact with people as much as I used to... they are less interesting than before and seem to jump at the chance to brag, boast or ramble some shit that they know nothing about... Stupidity and Ego are terrible combinations...

Anyway.... I sincerely appreciate your kind words.......

 

[Troilist]

Maybe "being your natural-self" ? ? One could argue that when they are themselves they are not attracting opposite sex like they would want, so then they try a different strategy - becoming someone that is less like them self but what they think is more "appealing" . This can work and most often will work, then when the "true" self comes out it can cause a problem...Maybe.. I think when someone says be your "best" self... you are focusing on your best traits... not that you are hiding your other aspects, but rather highlighting your best part of yourself - not in a boastful way, but a natural way... If you can make someone laugh, that is worth it's weight in gold and most people like to laugh... being able to laugh at yourself in situations you have found yourself in is probably even better.. it shows you are human and open enough to let them see what some would consider vulnerability. Not so "Macho" as some could say, but it is more attractive I would think to the opposite sex. I think the goal should always be to meet another person, treat them how you want to be treated and not force anything... at the end of the day, you may find you have met a unique person and you get along... or you find you don't click with them, but it was nice to learn that as well so there is still value in the interaction.
I hear others too often say that when they met they were perfect... then as time goes on the perfect wears off... could be true, or you just seeing things more clearer... Sorry, no scientific data to back up this opinion that's why it's an opinion and not scientific fact

Accept who you are first, like yourself and then be the part you like the most. Try not to be insecure, this leads to jealousy, controlling and manipulative behavior which are far more damaging to a relationship then average looks... IMO....

Get to know the person... ask questions and listen to responses... you know "normal conversation"

I totally agree with @BB0523!!

When I interact with people regardless of who they are, being a stranger or an old friend; the one trait I find refreshing and extremely magnetic is someone who is transparent and authentic. If you try to start any new relationship not being your authentic self whether the relationship is platonic or romantic, the chances of success will be pretty low. So, imo don’t waste your time and energy being fake. If you are brave enough to continue to put yourself out there and not be attached to the results/outcome, you will most likely find someone who will appreciate your natural self. Life is too short to not live authentically or indulge on things that will bring you happiness.