OK, definitely not my proudest moment. Long post, but quite therapeutic getting it out.
This happened early 2,000 and I’d recently moved to a new job which gave me a new company car and mobile phone.
It all started one day, when out of the blue I received a text message from an unknown number “I want to fuck you!”. Ooh, who could this be, male/female, friend playing around, complete stranger? So feeling a little intrigued I replied back “that’s because I’m a great fuck”. Another text, this one even ruder led to lots more texts, each one getting more crude and getting me hornier and hornier.
Eventually we ended up speaking on the phone, she sounded quite nice, we continued to talk each day, every night telling each other porno stories before going to sleep. She lived about 200 miles away, and when asked told me she looked like Sarah Jessica Parker. I had no idea who this was, so my friends showed me an episode of Sex in the City. Not bad, little horsey face, but at this point in my life I was a bit of a rascal and had shagged far worse. I can do this I thought, new company car, petrol all paid for, what have I got to lose.
We made arrangements for me to travel up the next weekend. I would leave after work on Friday and get there for around 10pm, fuck each others brains out all weekend and then return on the Sunday. What could go wrong, I was about to fuck a TV star lookalike.
I finished work the next Friday, all excited and feeling like a huge success, new car, new phone, about to go on a booty call with someone I’d never met. Life was great.
It took me a little longer than expected, and I eventually pulled into her street around 10:30. We were talking on the phone, her directing me to her house. Nope still can’t see her, she tells me I’m there, nope definitely can’t see her, can see some really fat woman on the phone, but that can’t be her, no, surely that can’t be her, no, why is she waving. Oh my god.
I desperately weighed up my options then. About 4 hours driving back, getting home around 2am, or get out of the car and see what the night brings, so my little head decided to say “fuck her and then leave”
I got out of the car, she was far worse up close than I could see from a distance. She had these great McDonalds Arch eyebrows drawn on in what looked like felt tip pen. She was huge, but I also felt quite intimidated and didn’t want to give her any reason to be angry at me. We ended up going into her house and me deciding that just drinking some beer would numb the pain for the night in front of me.
We talked about the messages, how horny I made her, general life things. I can remember at one point she asked me if I wanted to go out to meet her friend, I wondered if a threesome would have been on the cards, contemplated just dumping her for her friend in the pub, but then she showed me the picture. I don’t care how big and strong a bed this woman had, there was no way a bed was going to be strong enough to support her and her friend, she showed me a picture and whilst the woman in front of me looked like Big Daddy, her friend looked like Giant Haystacks in a skirt. It was bad place, or hell no I’m going to die place.
Eventually we headed to bed. This is it, penis don’t let me down now, who knows what would happen if the little man decided that he wasn’t going to play, but being young he had a stronger survival instinct than I did so I could feel a stirring in my pants as I accompanied her into the bedroom. Lights off, clothes came off and we eventually struggled into a single bed, me pinned against the wall and her covering every other inch of the bed looking remarkably like “Fat B’stard” out of the Austin Powers movies.
Things started to progress, managed to get her legs as wide as possible and get my hand up her pussy, quite roomy in there, feels a little bit like one of those caves you see in the movies that have all the bats inside. She starts moaning, evidently I’m doing something right “will my watch still be there when my arm comes out”, she pulls me close, fuck me now she asks. From pinned against the wall I climb on top of this thing, wondering if I’ll need to abseil to get back off again, but for now just concentrating on fucking her. I start moving my hips, that’s it, I can feel my cock push into her wet place and I start thrusting in and out. I’m going at it, really starting to build up a nice pace, in and out, I look at her, she doesn’t appear to be enjoying it as much as I am, so I continue thrusting harder each time. In and Out I go, her face still isn’t changing. Why isn’t she enjoying it!
I look down, oh horror, see my cock having missed her pussy by about 8 inches and currently fucking an overhanging piece of fat, the wetness was the sweat between her folds of skin.
She looks at me, that look of disgust when you know that you either need to fix it right now or die. So I slide myself down, pushing myself into her pussy and start fucking her. OK, this feels a little better and we continue like that for a while, and then I decide that if I actually stand any chance of cumming then I need to switch to Doggy Style (always makes me cum quick) so I flip her over and slide myself in, not having to look at her face was quite the blessing, and it actually felt pretty good. I can feel the pressure in my balls start to escalate as my orgasm starts to appear. Oh fuck, her phone goes off, and as her phone goes off the light comes on, I can actually feel my penis wither and die as it witnesses the atrocity it’s performing. Phew, the phone goes dark again, time to wake up again Mr penis, and we go back to thrusting away, trying to get myself back to the point of no return again. Oh fuck no, don’t call again, the light comes on and my penis tries to scurry inside my body. Again, missed call, light goes off and I go back, no way my cock is going to be able to forgive me for this.
I eventually flip her back on her back, kneel at the side of her and wank onto her face. In the dark it was a pretty big target but I went for the eyebrows, oh those horrendous huge felt tip eyebrows, how thy mock me now, take my spunk and let’s call it even. So I unload all over her face, then reach behind her, grab her pillow and rub it on her face to wipe away the cum.. She then just goes to sleep, my remaining cum drying on her face overnight.
I decide to try and get as much sleep as I can, hatching a plan to disappear as soon as I’ve had enough sleep to recover from the couple of beers consumed earlier. I wake up around 3am, try to sneak out of the house, she wakes up and catches me, starts crying and I promise “I’ll call”.
I get 30 minutes down the road, message her and tell her that there a big difference between “she looks like Sarah Jessica Parker” and “she looks like she’s ate Sarah Jessica Parker”. Never heard from her again.