New to Open Marriage

Congratulations - you're normal.

These feelings of jealousy and anxiety are perfectly normal to people new to alternative open lifestyles. The good news is that you will become more comfortable with the idea in most cases and the jealousy will (mostly) go away. At times it will always rear it's ugly head based on everything else in your life. The key is good communication between you and your partner.

Have you considered looking for other couples to play with and doing it together?

K Fed13 said:

Hey Everyone,

Be gentle, I'm new My hubby and I are getting ready to fully open up our marriage. Originally, we did the hotwife thing, and I thought it would be great if he could play around as well. However, when he went on his first date (which I set up), I was plagued with intense feelings of jealousy. The second date (with the same woman) went a little better for me, but it was still really rough. I'll be working with a relationship coach starting tomorrow, but I am also looking for friends near me who have had feelings of jealousy, and been able to keep it together. What I mean is, you kept your relationship open, and you were able to stay together.

Thank you!!

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To be honest I can only have an open relationship with my sex friends, I can neither share my wife nor my girlfriend. The day they'll start playing with other people they'll change into new sex friends of mine.

e-smile said:

To be honest I can only have an open relationship with my sex friends, I can neither share my wife nor my girlfriend. The day they'll start playing with other people they'll change into new sex friends of mine.

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... and, so what kind of difference will it make? You will just tell the truth about your own sex friends and that’s it?

Japanese seem to go for same room sex, which, after a period of time, may or may not morph into swapping. How's your Japanese?

For me personally, i sometimes feel a sting of jealousy but i always get over it quickly.
Its a matter of thinking rational. What are we scared of about our partner having sex with someone else? The flesh to flesh action? Why would we? The warm feelings? Same as a friendship and respect to other humans, right? Them being attracted to someone else? Like you dont get the hots for some actor while watching a movie together.

The only thing that's really something to be afraid of is your partner leaving you, right? But i always rationate it like this:
If they would leave me just like that for the next person they have sex with, how deep would their love really go? If they can end our relationship to be with someone else, was it meant to be?
I love connecting with people and i'm always respectful and intimate even with short encounters, but if i'm in a relationship, we have this "i would die for you" kind of love. So we definitely don't need to prove our love by being the only people sleeping with each other. You are MARRIED. Nobody comes between that.
If you really think about it, its those rigid relationships in which you are not even allowed to look at other people that make it more tempting to leave your partner for something you don't have.
If you can have someone else once in a while but can always come back to your partner, that makes it way more likely to last, doesn't it.

I also try to turn my jealousy into something good. Jealousy makes people horny. Before open relationships i have cheated, and I confessed quickly to my boyfriend and noticed it really turned him on to hear the details.
I also like the details, like to hear about things afterwards, of like to see the one i'm with do something with someone else. It makes your own sexlife more steamy.

Frenchy said:

... and, so what kind of difference will it make? You will just tell the truth about your own sex friends and that’s it?

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the difference is that my feeling will change, and so will my behavior. so that means no more living together and no priority given (availability wise) to anyone.

e-smile said:

the difference is that my feeling will change, and so will my behavior. so that means no more living together and no priority given (availability wise) to anyone.

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Ok I see... well and she would probably feel same I suppose.

K Fed13 said:

Hey Everyone,

Be gentle, I'm new My hubby and I are getting ready to fully open up our marriage. Originally, we did the hotwife thing, and I thought it would be great if he could play around as well. However, when he went on his first date (which I set up), I was plagued with intense feelings of jealousy. The second date (with the same woman) went a little better for me, but it was still really rough. I'll be working with a relationship coach starting tomorrow, but I am also looking for friends near me who have had feelings of jealousy, and been able to keep it together. What I mean is, you kept your relationship open, and you were able to stay together.

Thank you!!

Click to expand...

Are you doing it as well?

Are you doing it together, same room with another couple, or two other girls, or two other guys?

If it's just him going on dates and you are sitting at home with tummyaches, then it's not an open marriage.

As for "keeping your relationship open, so that you are able to stay together" that often is the Japanese way - to a degree. A Japanese wife looks the other way and assumes that the man has some sex for money. "If money changes hands, it ain't cheating." Having girlfriends is a completely different matter.

Some jealousy can be a turn-on, but everything in moderation.

We have a hard rule: Any sex with non-professionals is only done together. If money changes hands, it ain't cheating. We wouldn't ever characterize that as an open relationship. It simply is a relationship open to a little more fun.

Babaram said:

Are you doing it as well?

Are you doing it together, same room with another couple, or two other girls, or two other guys?

If it's just him going on dates and you are sitting at home with tummyaches, then it's not an open marriage.

As for "keeping your relationship open, so that you are able to stay together" that often is the Japanese way - to a degree. A Japanese wife looks the other way and assumes that the man has some sex for money. "If money changes hands, it ain't cheating." Having girlfriends is a completely different matter.

Some jealousy can be a turn-on, but everything in moderation.

We have a hard rule: Any sex with non-professionals is only done together. If money changes hands, it ain't cheating. We wouldn't ever characterize that as an open relationship. It simply is a relationship open to a little more fun.

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I think her original post said she was the first one to be allowed to play with other people, and now her husband has started to do it too.

Frenchy said:

Ok I see... well and she would probably feel same I suppose.

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c'est la vie

User#8628 said:

I think her original post said she was the first one to be allowed to play with other people, and now her husband has started to do it too.

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Seen the was. Am more interested in the is.

K Fed13 said:

Hey Everyone,

Be gentle, I'm new My hubby and I are getting ready to fully open up our marriage. Originally, we did the hotwife thing, and I thought it would be great if he could play around as well. However, when he went on his first date (which I set up), I was plagued with intense feelings of jealousy. The second date (with the same woman) went a little better for me, but it was still really rough. I'll be working with a relationship coach starting tomorrow, but I am also looking for friends near me who have had feelings of jealousy, and been able to keep it together. What I mean is, you kept your relationship open, and you were able to stay together.

Thank you!!

Click to expand...

There's a website that a friend of mine went to when they were going through something similar and said that they were generally very helpful and supportive about dealing with issues around jealousy etc. I think it would be worthwhile reading that forum as well as posting your own question there as well:-

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/

DJnLJ said:

Congratulations - you're normal.

These feelings of jealousy and anxiety are perfectly normal to people new to alternative open lifestyles. The good news is that you will become more comfortable with the idea in most cases and the jealousy will (mostly) go away. At times it will always rear it's ugly head based on everything else in your life. The key is good communication between you and your partner.

Have you considered looking for other couples to play with and doing it together?

Click to expand...

And congratulations to you for becoming the Decider of Normal or Not.

warubuta said:

And congratulations to you for becoming the Decider of Normal or Not.

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Man, now I want to change my signature to Decider of Normal or Not. But then @Majora would swoop in on “Licking Girl’s Clown.” He’s had his eye on that since I scooped it.

Not Even Dave said:

@Majora would swoop in on “Licking Girl’s Clown.” He’s had his eye on that since I scooped it.

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Man, there will be elbows flying in that line.

Though now I kinda want change mine to Giving Back to Society for the voluntary work I do to keep families together.

warubuta said:

And congratulations to you for becoming the Decider of Normal or Not.

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Naw, just letting her know that feelings of jealousy are not abnormal, and they go away.