Done screwed up

[RightOn6975]

I have been dating a Japanese girl since Feb and I told her that I would try and learn Japanese. Here is the thing though, I have not really been progressing at the rate that she has with her English abilities and it is showing.

I know that my sorry excuses of work, school, and volunteer work can only go so far however I am very busy and can commit very little time to my studies of the language. I have downloaded Pimsleur and even had a Japanese college class, but from what I have noticed I only learned phrases and a few words. Nothing really to form my own thoughts and what not.

Everything came full circle and a argument ensued over my language abilities and hers. The sad part is that it came after a very lovely night I had spent with her and a even better Sunday morning. Things I thought in my mind were going good. Then the argument. She claimed that I am not taking her seriously and do not like her because of my half ass attempt of trying to learn Japanese. She went on to cite different instances of me not caring for her feelings (I will not go into detail there), but suffice to say I was a little upset with her at this point.
She even went as far to accuse me of cheating.

I simply told her my feelings on the matter and said that I was trying however she seems set in her ways and is thinking about our situation and I guess at least in my mind whether or not she wants to still be in this relationship.

I am a little frustrated about the whole ordeal and I am very close to telling her to find a Japanese boyfriend or a gaijin who speaks the language. I guess I just need some clarity in the matter and advice from people who are not my friends.

 

[Kaspar]

One month only of dating and your language skills are already a problem for her... she might not be the right person for you. Ask for a pause, but keep working on your Japanese.

 

[RightOn6975]

One month only of dating and your language skills are already a problem for her... she might not be the right person for you. Ask for a pause, but keep working on your Japanese.

Mind you I have been in Japan since 2012. There is absolutely in my mind no excuse for me, however as much as I want to say my job and school takes up my time it can only go so far. I am probably thinking pause for right now, but I kinda just don't want to do that.

 

[impish]

her expectations are ill thought. I've been in the country nearly 10 years and my Japanese is shit poor.

 

[impish]

Mind you I have been in Japan since 2012. There is absolutely in my mind no excuse for me, however as much as I want to say my job and school takes up my time it can only go so far. I am probably thinking pause for right now, but I kinda just don't want to do that.

I disagree I've had the grammar basically down for years, but learning all the words is very time consuming especially if you don't hear them often enough to remember them.

 

[Kaspar]

Mind you I have been in Japan since 2012. There is absolutely in my mind no excuse for me, however as much as I want to say my job and school takes up my time it can only go so far. I am probably thinking pause for right now, but I kinda just don't want to do that.

I understand you... I have been with my wife since 2010 (although we spent our first 5 years together in China) and she already knew how to speak my native language when we met. We commonly communicate in my own language and my Japanese is not progressing as I would like it to... Making a fuss of your language skills after one month of dating is a red flag to me anyways...

 

[ShowaJidai]

The one common point I have seen between people who have mastered a language was a strong self-motivation to do so. Until you have defined what it is that you will get from learning Japanese I doubt you will get far.

I will tell you one thing I did which really made a difference was to simply go to lunch with a small group of native speakers - not necessarily every day, but more often than not. Concentrate on their conversation regardless of how much or how little you understand. Write down the words you don't understand (as many as possible). Keep a list of the new words - with their definitions - and review it from time to time.

Do these two things and you will progress.

If you want advice about whether she's worth it - how the fcuk do I know?

 

[RightOn6975]

I disagree I've had the grammar basically down for years, but learning all the words is very time consuming especially if you don't hear them often enough to remember them.

I am still learning the grammar. I am no expert, but what helped was someone telling me, and I know this sounds bad, "You love Star Wars? You like Yoda right? Learn to speak like him and you will know the sentence structure almost." It kinda helped as I am able for simple phrases and sentences get my point across and pretend to be a fluent speaker. Words, I am in the same boat as yourself. Figured if I can learn the 1000 most commonly spoken words I should be alright.

 

[User#8628]

I disagree I've had the grammar basically down for years, but learning all the words is very time consuming especially if you don't hear them often enough to remember them.

Yeah, i have to say... its easy to remember the words that get repeated over and over in conversation, but if a haven't heard a word and don't hear it being practically used a few times after i learned it, its hard for me to remember.

 

[impish]

I am still learning the grammar. I am no expert, but what helped was someone telling me, and I know this sounds bad, "You love Star Wars? You like Yoda right? Learn to speak like him and you will know the sentence structure almost." It kinda helped as I am able for simple phrases and sentences get my point across and pretend to be a fluent speaker. Words, I am in the same boat as yourself. Figured if I can learn the 1000 most commonly spoken words I should be alright.

I work from home, so I don't hear a lot of Japanese throughout my day I pick up common words here and there, when I talk to the neighbors etc... If I hear them often enough I try to memorize it. I've become friendly with some of the workers at 7 Eleven down the street, so at least I do get some practice in.

 

[joeking]

Have her speak in English to you and you to her in Japanese, though this is going to be a problem cause it sounds like your levels are not close. However, if you want to show her your seriousness, she will hopefully see you trying to communicate with you and appreciate it. Language is power and having you both go 'uphill' alleviates that. However, she may see that your language levels are too different to make this work. DO NOT suggest that she help you with your study, you need to study separately and show that you are learning.

 

[Browcoco]

I have been dating a Japanese girl since Feb and I told her that I would try and learn Japanese. Here is the thing though, I have not really been progressing at the rate that she has with her English abilities and it is showing.

I know that my sorry excuses of work, school, and volunteer work can only go so far however I am very busy and can commit very little time to my studies of the language. I have downloaded Pimsleur and even had a Japanese college class, but from what I have noticed I only learned phrases and a few words. Nothing really to form my own thoughts and what not.

Everything came full circle and a argument ensued over my language abilities and hers. The sad part is that it came after a very lovely night I had spent with her and a even better Sunday morning. Things I thought in my mind were going good. Then the argument. She claimed that I am not taking her seriously and do not like her because of my half ass attempt of trying to learn Japanese. She went on to cite different instances of me not caring for her feelings (I will not go into detail there), but suffice to say I was a little upset with her at this point.
She even went as far to accuse me of cheating.

I simply told her my feelings on the matter and said that I was trying however she seems set in her ways and is thinking about our situation and I guess at least in my mind whether or not she wants to still be in this relationship.

I am a little frustrated about the whole ordeal and I am very close to telling her to find a Japanese boyfriend or a gaijin who speaks the language. I guess I just need some clarity in the matter and advice from people who are not my friends.

I went from no ability gaijin to basically 100% fluent gaijin for my (former) girlfriend, let me tell you, it’s not at all worth it unless it’s you making the decision (rather than her pushing it on you).

No one can make the choice for you, but don’t let your girlfriend or anyone else pressure you. Good luck!!

 

[Sudsy]

It takes years to develop proficiency in Japanese.

If she’s making these kinds of demands early on the relationship, it’s probably not in your best interest to pursue any further interaction.

Walk away.

 

[MikeH]

I am a little frustrated about the whole ordeal and I am very close to telling her to find (clip) a gaijin who speaks the language.

If she is a young cute spinner that would definitely be my first recommendation. To be more specific you can point her to my direction.

Other than that I am with @ShowaJidai on this. You need to find the motivation to learn, otherwise you'll end up noticing ten years have passed and you still don't know shit.

For me it was easy, when I came here you either learned how to speak Japanese or starved to death. Nowadays that doesn't work as you can live in English.

I had a friend who decided he will only pick up girls in Japanese, no English allowed. After a week or two of failed attempts your blue balls will motivate you to learn and fast.

 

[Simonka]

Did you cheat? If she thinks you're cheating, that's probably the main reason she's acting out. You may think there is no way she can find out, but sometimes women just know..

If you didn't.. I think it's an early sign that this relationship is doomed. Different people have different sets of skills and some are just not very bright when it comes to learning a new language. When I started learning Japanese some of us skyrocketed in class and others just kept failing and finally gave up. If she cannot understand something as basic as this any other hardship in your future relationship will create more arguments. A kind caring person supports their partner with their personal struggles and opens the doors of constructive criticism & a helping hand instead of pointing their flaws.

 

[RightOn6975]

Did you cheat? If she thinks you're cheating, that's probably the main reason she's acting out. You may think there is no way she can find out, but sometimes women just know..

If you didn't.. I think it's an early sign that this relationship is doomed. Different people have different sets of skills and some are just not very bright when it comes to learning a new language. When I started learning Japanese some of us skyrocketed in class and others just kept failing and finally gave up. If she cannot understand something as basic as this any other hardship in your future relationship will create more arguments. A kind caring person supports their partner with their personal struggles and opens the doors of constructive criticism & a helping hand instead of pointing their flaws.

No I have not cheated on her. However this brings up an interesting thing about her, there have been a couple of weekends were she has come down to where I lived and either A) Not inform me that she was in town and drinking with her friends, I had to find out from the plethora of Bartenders I know B) Coming in to town and letting me know, then not texting me until the next day. Despite me texting her through out the night and calling a few times. Reason? She was drunk.

I really do not want to think that she is cheating on me however, usually when someone brings up the cheating card at least from what I have seen and heard, the person doing the accusing is actually the person cheating and wanting to catch their partner in the act.

 

[warubuta]

I have a completely different take on this one. As usual. Here it is: You have a Japanese girlfriend who is pressuring you to learn Japanese. Thank your lucky fucking stars and hang on to that woman! Fact: Most guys have J girlfriends who are using them as English teachers and thereby retard their progress in Japanese. You, you lucky idiot, seem to have found the one girl in the country who actually wants you to learn Japanese! And your fucking it up! In the first place, anybody who has been here for more that a few years and is not at least conversational, is a fucking loser. They themselves know this and they cant deny it. They can only make excuses. And they do. Excuses. Excuses. Just like you did in your posts. The smart guys & gals buckle down in the beginning and learn the language in about two years. OK done with that. Look, even if you have no long-term plans to stay here, the single most self-enriching and value-building thing you can do is learn the fucking language. It is a very vaulable capability in so many ways that I am not even going to try to explain. So stop your silly volunteering. Stop your whatever the hell else you are doing, and make your number one priority Japanese language. In fact, other than working to make just enough money to survive, you should do nothing else other than study Japanese. Go to a language school as often as you can. Pay the money! Make the time! And have lots of sex with that girl. Treat her right. Forbid her from speaking English with you. Make her teach you Japanese all day and night until she rues the day she complained about it.

 

[RightOn6975]

I have a completely different take on this one. As usual. Here it is: You have a Japanese girlfriend who is pressuring you to learn Japanese. Thank your lucky fucking stars and hang on to that woman! Fact: Most guys have J girlfriends who are using them as English teachers and thereby retard their progress in Japanese. You, you lucky idiot, seem to have found the one girl in the country who actually wants you to learn Japanese! And your fucking it up! In the first place, anybody who has been here for more that a few years and is not at least conversational, is a fucking loser. They themselves know this and they cant deny it. They can only make excuses. And they do. Excuses. Excuses. Just like you did in your posts. The smart guys & gals buckle down in the beginning and learn the language in about two years. OK done with that. Look, even if you have no long-term plans to stay here, the single most self-enriching and value-building thing you can do is learn the fucking language. It is a very vaulable capability in so many ways that I am not even going to try to explain. So stop your silly volunteering. Stop your whatever the hell else you are doing, and make your number one priority Japanese language. In fact, other than working to make just enough money to survive, you should do nothing else other than study Japanese. Go to a language school as often as you can. Pay the money! Make the time! And have lots of sex with that girl. Treat her right. Forbid her from speaking English with you. Make her teach you Japanese all day and night until she rues the day she complained about it.

As stated it is easier said than done with the Job that I have and time that is required of me to learn the language. I am going to school currently which takes up another part of my free time, as far as the volunteering is concerned I am not going to give that up as I work in the local community here especially a local orphanage and find it quite rewarding. The phrases and words that I am learning are done through studying at work when I can and when I can make time for it on my days off.

I have often heard the argument if you are here for a long time you should have some form of conversational skill level, and once again not always the case. If you worked the hours that I am currently working along with taking college classes and community volunteering there is little time for studying.

I have done nothing but right by her.

 

[RightOn6975]

If she is a young cute spinner that would definitely be my first recommendation. To be more specific you can point her to my direction.

Other than that I am with @ShowaJidai on this. You need to find the motivation to learn, otherwise you'll end up noticing ten years have passed and you still don't know shit.

For me it was easy, when I came here you either learned how to speak Japanese or starved to death. Nowadays that doesn't work as you can live in English.

I had a friend who decided he will only pick up girls in Japanese, no English allowed. After a week or two of failed attempts your blue balls will motivate you to learn and fast.

Again it is not like that I am not trying to learn. I do what I can through what means I have and study whenever I get the chance to. A month back I purchased a Medical terminology and Japanese Language book in order for me to speak with the Nurses and Doctors at the ER when I hand off patients.

 

[warubuta]

As stated it is easier said than done with the Job that I have and time that is required of me to learn the language. I am going to school currently which takes up another part of my free time, as far as the volunteering is concerned I am not going to give that up as I work in the local community here especially a local orphanage and find it quite rewarding. The phrases and words that I am learning are done through studying at work when I can and when I can make time for it on my days off.

I have often heard the argument if you are here for a long time you should have some form of conversational skill level, and once again not always the case. If you worked the hours that I am currently working along with taking college classes and community volunteering there is little time for studying.

I have done nothing but right by her.

I think that whatever you are studying should wait until you are a competent Japanese speaker. I think your volunteering can wait too. You will be much more useful to your community if you can speak reasonably good Japanese. And you will find everything more rewarding if you can speak the language. This is just my opinion. And I am a pig.

 

[impish]

I think that whatever you are studying should wait until you are a competent Japanese speaker

That's pretty shitty. I spend a lot of time studying myself and also not Japanese. Most of what I study is work related, and takes priority over anything else. If this is something that his job says he has to study, or he is studying to be better at his job than that should be his priority.

Also... he's been with this girl a month, he's probably been studying at college for months or years? So you're seriously suggesting that whatever he's been studying in school should take a second seat to a girl he's been with for a month? That's just stupid talk...

 

[Frenchy]

The way you describe her behaviour she looks like a PITA (Pain In the Ass), and from personal experience it may not get better.
But maybe you just singled out the traits you dont like in her (as she apparently does vs you too). If learning japanese is a « sacrifice » that she asks you to do for her (and I agree with the other members that it would be better to learn it anyway) , why is she worth it? Why do you like her?

 

[warubuta]

That's pretty shitty. I spend a lot of time studying myself and also not Japanese. Most of what I study is work related, and takes priority over anything else. If this is something that his job says he has to study, or he is studying to be better at his job than that should be his priority.

Also... he's been with this girl a month, he's probably been studying at college for months or years? So you're seriously suggesting that whatever he's been studying in school should take a second seat to a girl he's been with for a month? That's just stupid talk...

I said he was lucky to have a girl who was giving him tough love, telling him what he doesn’t want to hear but needs to hear. Who cares if he has only known her for a month? Does that make her point less valid?

If you are studying for work that is the same as working. No meaningful distinction. And work takes priority.

Look I was just reacting to a situation that we all see all too often: people who have been here for 10 years but can’t speak the language. And they rationalize it by saying they are too busy with this or that to study. As a result they fail to realize their potential and they are isolated and unhappy.

 

[ShowaJidai]

I'll tell you something my Drill Instructor said - excuses are like assholes, everybody's got one and they all stink.

You think you are the only busy person on the face of the earth? I explained a way to get study time in which doesn't require a lot of changes on your part - no feedback from you either positive or negative. Did it sound too effective and thus a solution for a problem you don't want to solve?

 

[MikeH]

But maybe you just singled out the traits you dont like in her

Then again if you start listing things you don't like already one month into relationship then my money says that won't last.