Advices Needed For A Long Term Relationship

[Bulbasaur]

Premise: I'm new from this forum and i'm sorry but my english really suck..

Long story Short:

I have met this girl from the net, after my first trip to japan , on a site without pics (not for dating) and after some months of long talks on line (all the days till her 2 am everyday) i decide to come back to japan and meet her in real..

She told me that i could stay to her house for the days i was in japan, and i accept it ofcourse..
On her pics on line she is really good looking, like a 8/10 to my eyes with a smart and crazy character and she likes gaijins (i'm her first gaijin boyfriend right now)

The days spent togheter were handsome!
We had great sex everyday (even if she told me that she don't like sex, maybe because of her past relationships) we close up togheter, she even open herself to me about some of her problems, and we felt really intimate on the last days..

After it we decide to continue this relationship, but ofcourse is a problem..
I live on the other side of the planet..

She decide that she will left her work in japan and she will come in my country (I have a more stable work to sustain us) and i'm really happy about it right now.

I need a lot of advices about japanese girls and japanese relationships..
I will come back in japan in dicember to meet her family and talk with them (because ofcourse they are worried about this relationship) and i don't talk japanese, then i think i will need to even make a speech to them about my mind and thinkings of the relationship we have.

I know that is a lot to ask, because i made a soo general request, but i really need to know everything i can !

 

[Hamerare]

Living with someone is different from a holiday romance, no matter where the girl is from

Before she comes over, you need to have a plan worked out in case things go badly.

She might expect marriage eventually to please her parents or whatever so you need to discuss your future together.

I'm guessing from your English that you're Italian or Spanish. You should send her to a language school immediately. Japanese women are in general good at adapting to new cultures.

Good luck!

 

[Bulbasaur]

Yea, i'm prepared for living togheter..
I had few failed long term relationship (last one of 5 years, and i was ready to live togheter in some part of it.. ) , and now i'm ready to make this jump forward in my life's experiences..

I know that we only knew by chats and talks, and few days spendt togheter, but i want to try it.
Yea, when she will come to live in my country, i'll try to make her take the visa for study, and if it will not work out, i will pay her ticket to go back to japan if she want to go back.

Ofcourse marriage is too much early right now for me, but after one or two years spent togheter i could think about it (i already told her about it).

Ps. How the hell you know that i'm spanish or italian? ahaha you have a soo good intuition!!

What about advices and tips of japan relationships?
I may be generalizing a little too much, but japan culture is a lot focused on a "man leading".. Is that true?

 

[DCSI_Lockers]

What's the age ranges for this? I think the advice we can give will depend on that.

 

[Bulbasaur]

You mean her age and my age?

We have same age, 25.

 

[DCSI_Lockers]

Was it her idea to study in your country?

AKB69 is completely correct about talking online and living together. I'd say invite her for an extended holiday in your country and see how that works out. Then if it's successful, invite her to stay for good.

I don't know how long you guys have been talking, but I'd suggest not rushing into anything.

 

[Bulbasaur]

No, she is coming only because of me right now.

In my point of view is a little strange to see a girl make soo many sacrifices for a relationship, but she is the kind of irrational girl that take decisions moved by her feelings (maybe rare in japan?!).
What is it akb69? I'm sorry for my ignorance..

Yea probably we are rushing a lot, (especially her right now) but i suppose that this is a train that can't be stopped right now!
That's why i'm trying to search and learn the more i can about japanese culture/manners/relationships and girls to be prepared..

 

[Wwanderer]

My advice: 1 - be skeptical about relationship advice you get on a board devoted largely to commercial sex topics, and 2 - do not think of your gf as a Japanese woman but just as a woman in most regards. Re the latter, she may well be typically Japanese in some or many ways but probably is not in others. However and in any case, you are likely to have more success in forming a relationship with her if you do not load your perceptions of her with preconceptions about "Japanese women". Just discover for yourself what she is like and don't worry about which of her qualities as a person are typically Japanese and which are not. It makes no difference anyway.

-Ww

 

[Bulbasaur]

I think you are right, and a really wise man! She usually tell me to not worry about generalizing aspects of japanese girls and japanese culture on our relationship..
In the end i'm always the one overthinking soo much about everything..

But really, there is nothing i need to know?
I'm always acting like a gentleman, because it's on my nature (like always girls first and pay the bill of the dinner if i invite her) , but i don't know if it's ok or not, because japanese men are soo different about me..

 

[Midlife Crisis]

Dude, this girl is already behaving differently than 99% of the other Japanese women here (hooking up online and moving abroad with a foreign guy), so probably she's not very "typical" to begin with. If you're really not sure about something, try this: ask her.

 

[Wwanderer]

@Bulbasaur - There probably is information you could find here and elsewhere that would be helpful, but the problem is that it comes mixed with tons of incorrect, irrelevant and useless (mis)information. Separating the two is difficult and more trouble than it is worth. Imo you are better off going with your own culture and instincts while paying *close* attention to her and her reactions. That way you can find out how to make *her* happy and content, whether or not the same would apply to most other Japanese women. As for you being different form most Japanese men, some of those differences are probably exactly what attracts her to you.

Good communication is important in any relationship; that is a cliché for good reason. But it is super important in an unconventional relationship, such as one that must bridge cultures and languages. Talk to her a lot, honestly and directly, about everything that matters to one or both of you and many things that do not. Listen to her even more...and try to get her to be clear and frank/honest also.

-Ww

 

[Sudsy]

If you're really not sure about something, try this: ask her.

Hands down the best advice you'll receive.

 

[Desktop]

It's common for Japanese women to fall in love & try to escape Japan. Usually it's the 19 to mid twenties. After that most face reality if they haven't escaped yet.

 

[Hamerare]

As the guest, it's up to her to adapt to your culture. I imagine she is interested in your country already, if not before then definitely now

Do you know any other Japanese women living nearby? If so it will help her settle in. If you live in the city, she will eventually run into another Japanese in the supermarket. I have run into Japanese women in the most unlikely of places.

A common problem in your situation is boredom, if you are out working and she is alone at home all day. She will need to be doing something with her time

Advices = dei consigli

Your English is excellent, just a couple of giveaways. "Advice " in English is normally used in the singular

December = dicembre ( spelling )

Sonora in carcere managia la miseria

I'm sure it will work out for you. She sounds like a real challenger with a Latin temperament

 

[RandomTokyoGuy]

I think a lot of good things have been said yet. I think there is one major cultural difference. European women are usually quite straight forward in telling you if the like or even more dislike something and may slap the later literally right in your face. Japanese are usually less direct and explicit and expect you to read more between the lines. Teaching her to speak honest and frank with you may be a lifelong process.
This may or may not be true for her, but your gentleman attitude will probably guide you well in finding out what she really likes.
Many Japanese are also quite reluctant to show affection in public, but this does not equate a lack of such.
You already spent a lot of time talking /chatting with her and some time together, so you should be the one to best judge what applies to her.

 

[Hamerare]

If you're really not sure about something, try this: ask her.

I was thinking about this one

Since English is a second language for both of you, there may be occasioni where you have a linguistic misunderstanding. Probably nothing too serious but the sooner she learns your own language the better

With Latin languages particularly Italian, there are no pronunciation problems for Japanese

Can you tell us where you are from? Of course you don't have to answer if you don't want to. I'm just curious because it may be a place I have lived or worked in. Or just the region and country. You can send me a message if you don't want other people to know

 

[Solong]

Premise: I'm new from this forum and i'm sorry but my english really suck..

Long story Short:

I have met this girl from the net, after my first trip to japan , on a site without pics (not for dating) and after some months of long talks on line (all the days till her 2 am everyday) i decide to come back to japan and meet her in real..

She told me that i could stay to her house for the days i was in japan, and i accept it ofcourse..
On her pics on line she is really good looking, like a 8/10 to my eyes with a smart and crazy character and she likes gaijins (i'm her first gaijin boyfriend right now)

The days spent togheter were handsome!
We had great sex everyday (even if she told me that she don't like sex, maybe because of her past relationships) we close up togheter, she even open herself to me about some of her problems, and we felt really intimate on the last days..

After it we decide to continue this relationship, but ofcourse is a problem..
I live on the other side of the planet..

She decide that she will left her work in japan and she will come in my country (I have a more stable work to sustain us) and i'm really happy about it right now.

I need a lot of advices about japanese girls and japanese relationships..
I will come back in japan in dicember to meet her family and talk with them (because ofcourse they are worried about this relationship) and i don't talk japanese, then i think i will need to even make a speech to them about my mind and thinkings of the relationship we have.

I know that is a lot to ask, because i made a soo general request, but i really need to know everything i can !

If she is introducing you to her parents, that's considered a very serious step in Japan and that she feels very strongly about you.

I think you should reserve judgement a bit, and see how the meeting with her family goes. Nobody can say for sure how that will turn out. Could go very well or very bad. Wish you luck.

Some issues that I have heard of and been told, in situations where Japanese women move overseas to get married:

1) Her ability to adapt to your country and learn the language.

2) Her getting homesick, in regards to food or various seemingly little things about Japan that she was used to or misses.

Some Japanese transition more easily or are more international minded than others. You might want to discuss this with her or keep this in the back of your mind for later, so if you spot something, you can be more helpful to her. If you see her having an issue transitioning, be quick to spot it. Some guys didn't until too late, and their relationship suffered as a result.

 

[namae]

Your lucky this is happening in 2015 and not 1985......pre email, skype etc.

Some good advice in the thread so far, but it is very hard to give you specific advice without knowing you and your friend very well. The more detailed information you can share then possibly the advice you recieve will be more tailored.

If this was me I would be asking : what is it about this girl that makes me confident that she could settle into my world in my country. How educated is she, how sophisticated is she , how traveled is she? What is her connection to your country? ( Is it you? or something else). My personal impression, is that JPN women have very romantic impressions of Italy and France in particular - many of them face a big reality check when that they make their first visit. Google "Paris Syndrome" - and you will understand. The principle applies generally.

Tokyo ( is she from Tokyo?) is a very sophisticated and exciting place, and a very comfortable and convenient place to live ( even for foreigners) - so if you take a Japanese girl out of that environment and put her in a Spanish/Italian city, town or village she may find it difficult and boring (frankly) after the initial wow factor of old Europe wears off. Food will almost certainly be an issue. Asian food, even in a city like Paris, is extremely poor for example. So do as much research on food, restaurants, and Asian groceries as possible and make sure she brings lots of supplies with her if this goes forward.

You should also ask questions of yourself and your country. How will you and your friend be treated as a mixed couple in your country? I have a friend married to a Chinese woman, living in London, and they have had to tolerate some nasty racial abuse. Also, would you be prepared to relocate to Japan at some point? if she was homesick, or needed to be with her family, would you be prepared to relocate?

I could go on and on, but there is not much point without knowing the specific facts and circumstances. I will end on a positive note : this could work out for the two of you. Good luck!

 

[User#6326]

i think the dependency aspect is a very big barrier.. if she cant stand on her own two feet within a year.. it will be very challenging for you both.. is she sacrificing her whole career? how do you feel about supporting her and having an uneven relationship in this regard? best of luck

 

[Bulbasaur]

As the guest, it's up to her to adapt to your culture. I imagine she is interested in your country already, if not before then definitely now

Do you know any other Japanese women living nearby? If so it will help her settle in. If you live in the city, she will eventually run into another Japanese in the supermarket. I have run into Japanese women in the most unlikely of places.

A common problem in your situation is boredom, if you are out working and she is alone at home all day. She will need to be doing something with her time

Advices = dei consigli

Your English is excellent, just a couple of giveaways. "Advice " in English is normally used in the singular

December = dicembre ( spelling )

Sonora in carcere managia la miseria

I'm sure it will work out for you. She sounds like a real challenger with a Latin temperament

I'm impressed by your advice and your Intuition! It's so great!
Yea i'm from Italy, but i don't know any other japanese girls near my place, in general i see around my city a lot of chinese girls and people, but not japanese..
And boredom is the first thing i have thought about all this situation on her coming in my place, and i want to find a solution about it..
Maybe a language course in a university? Ofcourse i hope that with the time she will learn the language and find a work, i already talk about it with her.

Maybe she is a challenger or maybe she is crazy, what is sure is that she has not a typical japanese character; she kiss me in public in japan, try always to tell me her opinion and is not shy at all, maybe only about her body (some kind of complex?).

Your lucky this is happening in 2015 and not 1985......pre email, skype etc.

Some good advice in the thread so far, but it is very hard to give you specific advice without knowing you and your friend very well. The more detailed information you can share then possibly the advice you recieve will be more tailored.

If this was me I would be asking : what is it about this girl that makes me confident that she could settle into my world in my country. How educated is she, how sophisticated is she , how traveled is she? What is her connection to your country? ( Is it you? or something else). My personal impression, is that JPN women have very romantic impressions of Italy and France in particular - many of them face a big reality check when that they make their first visit. Google "Paris Syndrome" - and you will understand. The principle applies generally.

Tokyo ( is she from Tokyo?) is a very sophisticated and exciting place, and a very comfortable and convenient place to live ( even for foreigners) - so if you take a Japanese girl out of that environment and put her in a Spanish/Italian city, town or village she may find it difficult and boring (frankly) after the initial wow factor of old Europe wears off. Food will almost certainly be an issue. Asian food, even in a city like Paris, is extremely poor for example. So do as much research on food, restaurants, and Asian groceries as possible and make sure she brings lots of supplies with her if this goes forward.

You should also ask questions of yourself and your country. How will you and your friend be treated as a mixed couple in your country? I have a friend married to a Chinese woman, living in London, and they have had to tolerate some nasty racial abuse. Also, would you be prepared to relocate to Japan at some point? if she was homesick, or needed to be with her family, would you be prepared to relocate?

I could go on and on, but there is not much point without knowing the specific facts and circumstances. I will end on a positive note : this could work out for the two of you. Good luck!

Ofcourse i'm ready to tell you everything you want to know!
She has no connection to my country (Italy) , only me right now, and she probably don't even know nothing about my culture, only gossip things..
She is really well educated, she has always insisted to pay half of the bills on the restaurants even if i was not interested to make her pay, she paid some travels we was going to make togheter and never ask me back money and she was always kind when i was staying in her house.
She has only traveled in usa 1 times (because of some parents living there)
She live in a small city (not rural) and don't like crowded places

I don't think that italian food may be a issue for her, but ofcourse we have a lot of japanese restaurants here too and some import grocery shops with real japanese products.

I could think a lot about long term future, but right now i would prefer to focus on what is coming now, because my mind is already full of things ahah
I have to talk with her family, create a confortable place for when she will come, and find out a way to make her stay with a semi long-term visa.. In the meanwhile i have to talk a lot with her, understand her feelings about all this situations and ofcourse understand mine too...

This topic is helping me a lot, that's really nice ah!

 

[Bulbasaur]

i think the dependency aspect is a very big barrier.. if she cant stand on her own two feet within a year.. it will be very challenging for you both.. is she sacrificing her whole career? how do you feel about supporting her and having an uneven relationship in this regard? best of luck

Yea i think soo too, i hope that with my help she will find a work not because of the money we could or not need, but for fullfill her daylife.
No she has a part time job in Japan, and probably she don't love it particularly.

I have close not soo much time ago a 5 years relationship, only because i was seeing my partner, i'm sorry to use this word, like a failure in many aspects of her life (completly passive about everything in her life and not able to stand in her feet).
Even if my new girlfriend would not be able to create in a short time her own sustainability i would be happy to help her until she will be able to do it, i see in her a lot of willpower and dreams on building her own future, and that's probably what i was really looking for.

I could be a fool, like many of the men in this world, and simply result to been duped by a pretty face, but i want to try some crazy acts in this part of my life.. And ofcourse make mistakes..
I just hope that the goddess of luck will follow my path for some time..

 

[Wwanderer]

There are no sure things in this aspect of life, but fwiiw, I think you and she have an excellent chance of making this work. She sounds just terrific, and your attitudes and thoughts strike me as wise and mature.

My only other comment is that while it is useful to at least be aware of some of the realistic possible problems and barriers that others have mentioned in their posts in this thread, in my opinion and experience it can be a big mistake to focus too much on such negative scenarios. Worrying/thinking about them too much or trying to avoid them too hard can actually cause them to happen or be more serious than they otherwise would. It is sort of like going in to take the final exam in some university course while thinking about all the ways one might fail and all the horrible consequences it might have etc. My advice is to think about the positives and advantages of the unconventional and exciting experiences you and she have ahead at least 5 times as much as the negatives and challenges/disadvantages.

Also, keep in mind that a relationship that is good for both of you does not have to last for the rest of your lives, or even for very long, to be a "success", to be well worth having had.

-Ww

 

[Bulbasaur]

There are no sure things in this aspect of life, but fwiiw, I think you and she have an excellent chance of making this work. She sounds just terrific, and your attitudes and thoughts strike me as wise and mature.

My only other comment is that while it is useful to at least be aware of some of the realistic possible problems and barriers that others have mentioned in their posts in this thread, in my opinion and experience it can be a big mistake to focus too much on such negative scenarios. Worrying/thinking about them too much or trying to avoid them too hard can actually cause them to happen or be more serious than they otherwise would. It is sort of like going in to take the final exam in some university course while thinking about all the ways one might fail and all the horrible consequences it might have etc. My advice is to think about the positives and advantages of the unconventional and exciting experiences you and she have ahead at least 5 times as much as the negatives and challenges/disadvantages.

Also, keep in mind that a relationship that is good for both of you does not have to last for the rest of your lives, or even for very long, to be a "success", to be well worth having had.

-Ww

Ahahaha what do you mean with terrific?
Yea i belive that you are right, focus too much in bad scenarios may influence me negatively, that's right, i already feel the weight of my future choices on my shoulders, but i take them all of this like a great challange of my life and till i have her support i don't think i will have problems on facing everything it may come.
But i will follow your advice, because i find it really wise!

Oh don't take me wrong, i hope that my relationships will go on for a lot of time, but i only live them day by day usually.
I mentioned the 5 years only because i have tried for all this years to help her to change this thing of her life, for us and especially because she didn't like it, and after soo long time, i consider this relationship a failure, even if we had a lot of great time togheter..

 

[Wwanderer]

Ahahaha what do you mean with terrific?

I mean stuff like this that you've said about her:

Maybe she is a challenger or maybe she is crazy, what is sure is that she has not a typical japanese character; she kiss me in public in japan, try always to tell me her opinion and is not shy at all, maybe only about her body (some kind of complex?).

She has no connection to my country (Italy) , only me right now, and she probably don't even know nothing about my culture, only gossip things..
She is really well educated, she has always insisted to pay half of the bills on the restaurants even if i was not interested to make her pay, she paid some travels we was going to make togheter and never ask me back money and she was always kind when i was staying in her house.

But even more importantly I think it terrific that she is eager and apparently fearless about taking this huge and impulsive leap into the unknown to be with you. Basically, to me, she sounds like a passionate and very risk tolerant person who is determined and willing to do what is needed to have an interesting and fulfilling life. What you have said about her makes me think of this Mark Twain quote which I feel to be very true and wise:

"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things
you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover."

-Ww

 

[namae]

I don't think that italian food may be a issue for her, but ofcourse we have a lot of japanese restaurants here too and some import grocery shops with real japanese products

Generally, JPN people love Italian food and if they live somewhere like Tokyo they can get access to genuine Italian food. Italian food culture is one of the reasons that JPN people develop a very positive impression of Italy and Italians. However, living in Italy and eating Italian food everyday is a different issue. A few years ago I spent an extended vacation in Italy and travelled with a JPN woman. When her visa ran out she decided to return to JPN and came back a few days later with a suitcase of JPN cooking supplies. She was a very "international", very sophisticated and loved Italy and Italian food. But your Asian restaurants and grocery stores are not going to be an adequate replacement for JPN food. We were based in Roma and Firenze. I think JPN people would generally prefer food from the South, the coastal regions or the islands. I don't think she could have survived an extended stay in Toscana without having access to the terrific central market. My companion would sometimes make a sorte to a local Chinese restaurant in Firenze to get a noodle fix - very low quality food. The sort of place I would not even think of entering - but she was desperate. I strongly recommend introducing your friend to the local food markets.

If you move forward with your plans, you should note how much research and preparation she makes in advance of the trip. What ideas does she have about studying/working? what interests does she want to pursue? This will give you an idea about how much of self starter she is, or how much of a passenger she will be.

If she does attend a language school, she will meet a circle of international friends some of whom will likely be JPN. That may help with homesickness and boredom, but I think it is also important for you and her to develop a circle of local friends and mix with your family.