Did I handle this situation badly?

[robinmask]

So, technically not a soapland review, but I've just had a somewhat bizarre experience so I want to hear some 3rd-party opinion.

I've been making reservations with a particular girl via Twitter since February, got canceled the first time due to her not feeling well, but had two positive meetings after that. Made another booking this month and promptly got canceled again when I arrived at the store. Now, the fact that both time I did not get told anything until actually showing up, despite calling 2 hours beforehand to confirm the reservation, rubbed me the wrong way. I don't mind getting blue-balled once, but the second time around I expected some decency of communication on their part.

So I message the girl to say it's totally fine if she's taking a day off for not feeling well, but I hope she would have told me earlier if she couldn't show up. I want her to be healthy but at the same time was looking forward to meet her. Somehow she took it as if I was wanting her to show up even when she's sick, which is insane and selfish in her opinion (of course, if that was actually what I had meant). Anyway, she concluded that I'm a selfish prick who put myself first, couldn't even wish her to get well soon (every time she posted that she took a day off due to sickness I had wished her to get well lol just not this time), and suck at Japanese. Then promptly blacklisted me.

As a customer, I would be insane to not put my time and money first before saying "Odaiji ni" after getting canceled on the spot twice. Obviously some of it got lost in translation but somehow this chick got really aggressive and reacted like I was a nutjob who demands her to show up on sick day, for simply wanting to be told about the cancellation before I show up at the shop itself. Like...if she woke up and felt ill then there's plenty of time to let the shop know, and pass that info onto me, or am I being too picky? That was long rant and I'll probably get dunked on by some lol but...am I the asshole in this case ?

 

[Ken4fb]

So I message the girl to say it's totally fine if she's taking a day off for not feeling well, but I hope she would have told me earlier if she couldn't show up

How did you write that in Japanese exactly? I would love to see how she could interpret it in the wrong way.

 

[Sudsy]

I'm with Ken here - would really have to see how you phrased it in Japanese. It really does sound like you might have (entirely inadvertently) given her the wrong impression.

 

[robinmask]

How did you write that in Japanese exactly? I would love to see how she could interpret it in the wrong way.

The exact message was: それは大丈夫ですが、ちょっと早く教えてくれたらよかったな。。。朝の確認電話した時に何も聞いてなかった

She replied saying she's only just human, I couldn't even spare her an "odaiji ni", and if I could say something like the above then I might as well not come to the store (to see her) anymore. I knew it was a done deal right then and there, but the sudden aggressiveness really caught me off guard. It went from one simple request to being blacklisted in 2 messages lol

 

[CharlieSimms]

Sudden cancellations and schedule changes are not uncommon in the industry. The industry is often sought because it offers that kind of flexibility, or rather appeals to those who cannot function well in the vanilla working world. Your feelings are normal if you expect from a provider the same you would from your dry cleaner or hair dresser. You have to let it go. It’s different. And stressing a provider will indeed get you blacklisted by her. It’s just the way it is.

 

[Sudsy]

それは大丈夫ですが、ちょっと早く教えてくれたらよかったな。。。朝の確認電話した時に何も聞いてなかった

Oof. Yeah... that's not an ideal way to phrase that. You basically led with "Be that as it may, you have greatly inconvenienced me."

If you MUST say something, then something like... "体調を崩されたとのこと、辛いですね。お店の人も心配でしょう、私が店に来る前に体調のことを伝えるのを忘れていたんです。早く良くなることを願っています。お大事に。”

Lead with your sympathy, and indirectly lay the blame on the shop, not her, then follow up with more sympathy. Good old passive aggression.

But really - best approach is a simple "お大事に" and finding a new girl to spend your money on.

 

[robinmask]

Oof. Yeah... that's not an ideal way to phrase that. You basically led with "Be that as it may, you have greatly inconvenienced me."

If you MUST say something, then something like... "体調を崩されたとのこと、辛いですね。お店の人も心配でしょう、私が店に来る前に体調のことを伝えるのを忘れていたんです。早く良くなることを願っています。お大事に。”

Lead with your sympathy, and indirectly lay the blame on the shop, not her, then follow up with more sympathy. Good old passive aggression.

But really - best approach is a simple "お大事に" and finding a new girl to spend your money on.

Oof, guess that's why she said my Japanese sucks. I knew it wasn't the best way to put it, but she kept interpreting what I said in the most negative way possible, so I think anything other than "お大事に" would have gotten me blacklisted anyway. I tried to explain to her that I'm also just human and I get frustrated in that situation, but she was having none of it lol

 

[Sudsy]

she kept interpreting what I said in the most negative way possible

Yeah, it can be rough. Always lead with sympathy. Works in English too.

 

[Ken4fb]

If you MUST say something, then something like... "体調を崩されたとのこと、辛いですね。お店の人も心配でしょう、私が店に来る前に体調のことを伝えるのを忘れていたんです。早く良くなることを願っています。お大事に。”

Lead with your sympathy, and indirectly lay the blame on the shop, not her, then follow up with more sympathy. Good old passive aggression.

I knew @Sudsy would be able to give the best advice on how to handle this situation. Thank you! I learnt something useful.

But really - best approach is a simple "お大事に" and finding a new girl to spend your money on.

Agreed with this. Then 6 months later when you see her tweets something sexy you will be like, let's give her another chance. Been there and done that myself.

 

[robinmask]

I knew @Sudsy would be able to give the best advice on how to handle this situation. Thank you! I learnt something useful.


Agreed with this. Then 6 months later when you see her tweets something sexy you will be like, let's give her another chance. Been there and done that myself.

That's not really possible in my case because she's supposed to graduate from the industry in July. I actually made a reservation for her last shift but that's out the window now since I'm on the NG list And she blocked me on Twitter too. I checked by incognito mode and she posted something like "昨日から幻滅する事ばかり", probably was already in a bad mood and we both royally pissed the other off. The conversation after that quote above was just us hurling insults at each other lol

I'll keep @Sudsy words of wisdom on hand, might be of great help in the future

 

[requiemmorrow]

In Japanese, if conditionals like "~tara yokatta" give the impression that things would have been better if the person you are communicating with was more sensitive to how you feel.
This confrontational kind of language has caused me many an argument with nationals as well, and at times does not bode well.

I would've written something along the lines of Sudsy, although possibly not even eventually indicting the shop either, but instead blaming the chaos of the universe which no one has control of.
Eventually the conversation would boil down to a "gomen ne" from her, and from there you should still play it cool, indicating the kind of awesome things you want to do together and how it "cannot be helped."
Seriously, as much as internationals bitch about the Japanese overusing the fatalistic "shikata ga nai," it has probably gotten them what they wanted far more than a direct confrontation.

 

[MikeH]

You can get better in Japanese, like demonstrated by others like @Sudsy here, and it will help you later in life, or you can just accept the fact that @CharlieSimms pointed out; the girls in the industry are not generally known for their promptness or handling well their schedules. Which leads to my advice which is to find another girl to give your monies instead of trying this one to get better at handling herself.

 

[robinmask]

In Japanese, if conditionals like "~tara yokatta" give the impression that things would have been better if the person you are communicating with was more sensitive to how you feel.
This confrontational kind of language has caused me many an argument with nationals as well, and at times does not bode well.

Which is kinda confusing, because it's the way of speaking that is taught first when we learn Japanese (and rightfully so because it's just easier), then the higher level it goes, the more indirect/passive aggressive it gets

 

[designer08]

I had a similar experience with one woman which I had discussed with another woman (both providers). The advice I got was that I started seeing someone so frequently and enjoyed her company that perhaps I put a little too much emotion into my message. Just to give you some context a provider I had seen about 10 times until then, suddenly canceled for the second time one me in a row. I had written that a nice message along with, would have appreciated a message in the morning since her shop was more than an hour away (one way). Back to advice, she told me that it was easy for me to get carried away since the time we spent together was a really fun time but for the provider, it's just a job and they don't owe the customer anything. I was in my 20s then, very naive. Her advice was next time it's better not to say anything because most of the providers cancel when they are stressed out with personal circumstances (things other than periods) and in that particular instance, it's better to wait for a couple of days for the provider to send you a light sorry message about the cancellation. Because they couldn't really give a damn about canceling on a customer. Just my experience.

 

[SatoKM]

Which is kinda confusing, because it's the way of speaking that is taught first when we learn Japanese (and rightfully so because it's just easier), then the higher level it goes, the more indirect/passive aggressive it gets

Do not take it the wrong way but sometimes it's good that things like this happens, it is a major part of the learning process.

When you have some doubts regarding how to communicate or to express in Japanese, please be very careful, as Japanese language has "subtitles", many expressions can have different or opposite meanings.

Next time, ask a Japanese friend how to say something in Japanese if you are not sure, or say it in English.

 

[SatoKM]

100% agree!

Do not get attached to a girl, always have at least 2 or 3 options.

 

[just4fun]

100% agree!

Do not get attached to a girl, always have at least 2 or 3 options.

Sometimes it can't be helped though. I totally agree though.

 

[DireWolf98]

"体調を崩されたとのこと、辛いですね。お店の人も心配でしょう、私が店に来る前に体調のことを伝えるのを忘れていたんです。早く良くなることを願っています。お大事に。”

The perfect approach!

 

[Ken4fb]

Sometimes it can't be helped though. I totally agree though.

100x this , sometimes it can't be helped, really.

 

[Ken1988]

The exact message was: それは大丈夫ですが、ちょっと早く教えてくれたらよかったな。。。朝の確認電話した時に何も聞いてなかった

She replied saying she's only just human, I couldn't even spare her an "odaiji ni", and if I could say something like the above then I might as well not come to the store (to see her) anymore. I knew it was a done deal right then and there, but the sudden aggressiveness really caught me off guard. It went from one simple request to being blacklisted in 2 messages lol

I'm sorry for what happened to you.

I think nothing wrong with what you wrote in Japanese. It's polite enough and straight to the fact, without any grammatical mistakes. Rather, I think you got into a trouble due to some miscommunications betwwen the girl and the shop. Probably she had asked the shop to inform you (and that could be the SOP) but the shop didn't tell you because they wanted you to come to the shop anyway, hoping you to meet one of the other girls available for the reserved slot. Thus, she flet she was blamed on what she thoutht not her fault. It's not your fault, nor hers, but the shop's.

 

[joeking]

Not sure if someone mentioned this, but the initial ですが、might also be a problem. In spoken F2F language, it’s easy to extract the sympathy, but in written form, it comes out as @Sudsy points out. I notice I and other foreigners use these sorts of things to keep the floor and not sound abrupt, but it bleeds over into our written language.

 

[CharlieSimms]

We can JLPT the discussion ad infinitum but any other message than “get well soon” is gonna lead down the road of stressing the provider and being banned from seeing her again. Foreign clients doing this is especially concerning as to potential association. And she then bans all foreign clients. Wouldn’t be the first time someone pooped in the pool and everyone had to get out. Please be cool out there.

 

[robinmask]

We can JLPT the discussion ad infinitum but any other message than “get well soon” is gonna lead down the road of stressing the provider and being banned from seeing her again. Foreign clients doing this is especially concerning as to potential association. And she then bans all foreign clients. Wouldn’t be the first time someone pooped in the pool and everyone had to get out. Please be cool out there.

At the end of the day gotta agree with this. Between what happened and how they came up with new reservation policy, I'm not gonna be surprised if they they politely turn me away next time I show my face there (instead of just being NG for that one chick, and she's retiring soon anyway), which I won't for the foreseeable future.

I will say though, the one thing that made me lost my cool was when she dropped the "your Japanese sucks, too many mistakes, and I can't understand it" hammer. I wouldn't mind her telling me I have a small pp if she's having a bad day, but you're a jerk if you insult someone's non-native-language skill, especially if you can only speak one language anyway

 

[Acid Burn]

I will say though, the one thing that made me lost my cool was when she dropped the "your Japanese sucks, too many mistakes, and I can't understand it" hammer. I wouldn't mind her telling me I have a small pp if she's having a bad day, but you're a jerk if you insult someone's non-native-language skill, especially if you can only speak one language anyway

I think the opposite. I’d think she’d be more of a jerk to insult something about yourself that you can’t change rather than something you have the capability to get better at.