Relationship Dealbreakers

[User#6517]

I apologize in advance if there has already been a thread similar to this one.. but what things would be at the top of your list of relationship dealbreakers?

Just another random topic. The biggest one for me would be a big ego..

 

[black panda]

Being judgemental (don't mean to get all biblical here) but IMHO I believe most people tend to let a persons past ruin thier relationship. Way I see it If Jesus didn't judge people based on thier past and gave them a chance then why can't I as a decent human being do the same.

 

[nedar]

'Brand' hunter. If every piece of ALL her outfits have to be gucci, prada, LV, chanel etc AND she expects me to provide all of them then no thanks. Slightly better if she buys them all herself and an occassional present from me.

 

[majimekun]

Top dealbreaker : any girl who doesn't understand the term "scatology" is fired.

 

[User#8628]

Being judgemental (don't mean to get all biblical here) but IMHO I believe most people tend to let a persons past ruin thier relationship. Way I see it If Jesus didn't judge people based on thier past and gave them a chance then why can't I as a decent human being do the same.

This one very much.

I don't really have a deal breaker i think. If i feel in love, and it's mutual then there is no stopping that.
He has to be mutually serious about the relationship though or it wont work.
Mistakes can happen, but guys who play cool because they are not sure they are "ready" for a relationship that doesn't work.
I can actually get over lying and cheating and fighting if the rest of the relationship is passionate but if he's lukewarm and barely pays attention to me i dont stick around.

I don't care about past and such, and don't care that much about big ego and stuff. I like a bad boy to some extend as long as he shows his soft side to me. Me and you against the world kind of stuff. But disrespect to me or believing women are lower than men or something really puts me off. Racism, sexism, ablelism and such are big nopes.

 

[Verbal]

Being judgemental (don't mean to get all biblical here) but IMHO I believe most people tend to let a persons past ruin thier relationship. Way I see it If Jesus didn't judge people based on thier past and gave them a chance then why can't I as a decent human being do the same.

There's a line from the last episode of Sherlock season 3 in which John Watson says, "the problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future are my privilege. That’s all I have to say. That’s all I need to know. I think that sums up best how people ought to go into a relationship imho.

As for deal breakers, her wanting kids sooner than later. Right now, I'm not ready to have kids for the next five years or so.

 

[BlackJack1]

'Brand' hunter. If every piece of ALL her outfits have to be gucci, prada, LV, chanel etc AND she expects me to provide all of them then no thanks. Slightly better if she buys them all herself and an occassional present from me.

Same! Wants everything branded but dumps you when you let them down ~

 

[User#16452]

.

 

[Wwanderer]

Life really is too short to stay in a relationship where you are not happy or respected.

While this is clearly true, perhaps even a truism, it seems to me that it begs the question. Isn't the issue (in the OP question) actually what it takes to make you unhappy (or feel disrespected) and how do you balance out the bad and the good...glass half-empty vs half-full etc?

Some people are very rigid in their requirements for a mate/partner, and even small deviations for their ideal or template makes them unhappy. Others are quite flexible and are still happy with someone despite many problems and issues between them as long as the core elements of the relationship are working.

Imo, the more flexible a person is the more interesting and diverse their enjoyable/positive relationship experiences will be.

-Ww

 

[Wwanderer]

I don't really have a deal breaker i think. If i feel in love, and it's mutual then there is no stopping that.

Ditto...same here.

-Ww

 

[zer0ed]

Deal breaker? Like several have mentioned before: excessive materialism, lack of spiritual principles, inflexible mindset and short temperament are some things that I can think of.

Deal makers on the other hand: has a big heart, cheerful, and understands me. I'm a pretty flawed individual, and I have a feeling that it would be hard for anyone short of a saint to accept who I really am. Heck, I have problems accepting myself for who I (think) am. But I want to believe that like anything in life, if you keep striving, you will eventually find something close to what you are looking for.

 

[owlet]

probably something involving money, like if they stole from me, or lied and were in loads of debt, or had a gambling problem

 

[Wowzerz]

Not surprising the service providers here unanimously all chose "judgmental" as their deal breaker.... well they sort of have to given their line of work!
It's not judgmental for people to not want to be in a LTR or marry a service provider for obvious as well as not-so-obvious reasons; it's entirely rational.
And this isn't me being judgmental, just an honest observer.

My deal breaker is trust: Once broken, irreparable harm's been done. Trust is like a piece of paper, once crinkled it's never the same.
Second deal breaker is if I'm ever scolded (just once) for not paying for something (full cost of every dinner or hotel or because I'm not gifting her clothes or something). Lastly, I'll also echo the 'brand whoring' or being designer gear obsessed as being a huge red flag if not outright deal breaker. These days, when I see a girl at a bar or club or anywhere, really, whose decked out in Chanel or YSL or HERMES, I just ignore her completely--even though she has good taste--and if she approaches me she's (usually) rebuffed rather quickly, sometimes I'll toy with her a bit first though. Girls with LV or GUCCI I dismiss as having poor taste. However, the one exception to all of the above is anyone holding a Valextra bag, I'd consider for marriage.

 

[hkAlone]

This one very much.

I don't really have a deal breaker i think. If i feel in love, and it's mutual then there is no stopping that.
He has to be mutually serious about the relationship though or it wont work.
Mistakes can happen, but guys who play cool because they are not sure they are "ready" for a relationship that doesn't work.
I can actually get over lying and cheating and fighting if the rest of the relationship is passionate but if he's lukewarm and barely pays attention to me i dont stick around.

I don't care about past and such, and don't care that much about big ego and stuff. I like a bad boy to some extend as long as he shows his soft side to me. Me and you against the world kind of stuff. But disrespect to me or believing women are lower than men or something really puts me off. Racism, sexism, ablelism and such are big nopes.

100% aligned with Alice.
The basic of successful couples is their capacity to feel understood by each other, to be empathic and to respond positively to each other insecurity.
If you have a long list of criteria / deal breakers, you have actually an issue to find a partner in the first place. Your partner is not your fantasy, he is an actual human being like you with his own set of desires.
Usually you feel attach with someone who is going to echo with your emotional memories, out of your consciousness.

You may have, depending on your maturity or assertiveness, some conscious control about letting the attachment go or stopping it. Deal breakers such as educational background, bad listeners, bad questioners, financial situation, hygiene, could them stand up.

 

[MossBoss]

I wouldn't want to have any kind of dealings with a complainer. Like the childish people whose side lost the recent democratic referendum in the UK then throw a tantrum instead of moving on. Conversely those whose side lost the referendum and accept the will of the people would be good partners. They show themselves to be positive about the future and open-minded.

 

[Wwanderer]

I wouldn't want to have any kind of dealings with a complainer. Like the childish people whose side lost the recent democratic referendum in the UK then throw a tantrum instead of moving on. Conversely those whose side lost the referendum and accept the will of the people would be good partners. They show themselves to be positive about the future and open-minded.

A partner who gets their way on some major decision and then keeps bringing it up constantly, gloating and "rubbing your face in it" is also less than ideal imo.

(Note smilie face!)

-Ww

 

[RandomTokyoGuy]

#1 is trust. Once damaged it is near impossible to repair. I also promised to myself not to start a relationship with a vegetarian again Not sure if I can keep that up, but past experience taught me that it's a much bigger deal than expected.
I kinda hope for my next LTR to be the foundation of a happy family, so someone with completely different ideas is probably no ideal fit.
I guess it's unnecessary to mention that I won't work as just a cash source. If I ever notice that material motives are the main motivation, it's over. Doesn't mean that I'm overly stingy, but if I wanted that I would go p4p.

 

[Lady_Lu]

#1 is trust. Once damaged it is near impossible to repair. I also promised to myself not to start a relationship with a vegetarian again Not sure if I can keep that up, but past experience taught me that it's a much bigger deal than expected.
I kinda hope for my next LTR to be the foundation of a happy family, so someone with completely different ideas is probably no ideal fit.
I guess it's unnecessary to mention that I won't work as just a cash source. If I ever notice that material motives are the main motivation, it's over. Doesn't mean that I'm overly stingy, but if I wanted that I would go p4p.

trust in what ?
your future wife can also go to work after 4 months after giving birth, leaving the child at a day care or hiring a nanny to nurse the kiddo. that way it's sure she doesn't stick around for the cash.

 

[User#8628]

Not surprising the service providers here unanimously all chose "judgmental" as their deal breaker.... well they sort of have to given their line of work!
It's not judgmental for people to not want to be in a LTR or marry a service provider for obvious as well as not-so-obvious reasons; it's entirely rational.
And this isn't me being judgmental, just an honest observer.

My deal breaker is trust: Once broken, irreparable harm's been done. Trust is like a piece of paper, once crinkled it's never the same.
Second deal breaker is if I'm ever scolded (just once) for not paying for something (full cost of every dinner or hotel or because I'm not gifting her clothes or something). Lastly, I'll also echo the 'brand whoring' or being designer gear obsessed as being a huge red flag if not outright deal breaker. These days, when I see a girl at a bar or club or anywhere, really, whose decked out in Chanel or YSL or HERMES, I just ignore her completely--even though she has good taste--and if she approaches me she's (usually) rebuffed rather quickly, sometimes I'll toy with her a bit first though. Girls with LV or GUCCI I dismiss as having poor taste. However, the one exception to all of the above is anyone holding a Valextra bag, I'd consider for marriage.

My dealbreaker is men who knock someone up and then run away and don't take responsibility.


It's rational to not want a relationship with someone like me? I have much more to give than someone like you.

Monogamy is a bore to me, owning up for responsibilities and being an adult isn't.

Someone judgemental or "rational" as you call it is not someone i want a relationship with, and they wouldn't want it with me, so thats GOOD. We both get it our way. There are people who like me for who i am out there.

And which judgemental i didn't just mean people who dislike sex workers. Extremists of religions and ideologies, racists, sexists... Judgement has many forms and its not a beautiful thing.

 

[Verbal]

I never liked the term judgmental as used today. It just has all these negative implications that go with it. As humans, we can't help but make judgments based on what we perceive about others. We are all shaped by our own experiences and thus walk through life with a certain set of parameters that we base all of our interactions off of. These parameters paint a picture our surroundings and are an incomplete picture of who the other people in our lives are. We do it constantly to complete strangers based on their appearance without a second thought. With our friends and acquaintances, we can at least rationalize their appearance and behavior. To that end, I've found myself telling people "Oh I'm totally going to judge you, but that doesn't mean I love you any less." It is because I can't help what my first reaction is to something if it does not fit in to what I've established the world is supposed to be like. I know that my despite my intention, I'm going to come off as judgmental. Often it's not what we intend that causes harm to others, it's what they perceive.

As @User#8628 said, "judgement has many forms." There are adult establishments in Japan that refuse service to foreigners, just as there are companions that refuse to service black/African Americans back in the states. These preconceived notions aren't doing anything beyond applying a blanket ruling based on either preconceived notions or some choice bad experiences. I think all of us here would be happy if the adult industry were more foreigner friendly in Tokyo, but the culture's collective judgement makes it difficult. With that in mind, I find people who are judgmental in the sense of taking an idea and running with it without taking time to look at other perspectives to be childish and immature. There are few things in the world that are absolutes. Much of the world we live in is in shades of grey. This hobby of ours is definitely in the grey. Let's not forget that though we may have our differences, we all share a love for people else we wouldn't be here on TAG.

 

[RandomTokyoGuy]

trust in what ?
your future wife can also go to work after 4 months after giving birth, leaving the child at a day care or hiring a nanny to nurse the kiddo. that way it's sure she doesn't stick around for the cash.

Trust in my partner.

I'm not sure what you are trying to say or read from my post.

If money is a valid foundation for a long-term relationship for you, then I hope you find the right sugar daddy/mommy or toy boy/girl for you, whatever your role and preference might be.
I however don't see the relation to your suggestion on how to raise kids. But rest assured, I currently don't need advice on that matter and I most likely wouldn't seek it on this board either.

 

[Wwanderer]

I never liked the term judgmental as used today.

The current popular usage of "judgmental" is similar in meaning to "intolerant" and "biased/prejudiced/discriminatory". To call someone "judgmental" is to say that they are strongly inclined to classify people as good or bad, especially bad, based on minimal or irrelevant information. I agree that this is a considerable distortion of what the word once meant and what one might guess it to mean based on its root word, "judgement", but there's plenty more where that came from in English (and any "living language").

-Ww

 

[Lady_Lu]

Trust in my partner.

I'm not sure what you are trying to say or read from my post.

If money is a valid foundation for a long-term relationship for you, then I hope you find the right sugar daddy/mommy or toy boy/girl for you, whatever your role and preference might be.
I however don't see the relation to your suggestion on how to raise kids. But rest assured, I currently don't need advice on that matter and I most likely wouldn't seek it on this board either.

don't be upset now...i did make a sarcastic comment though...

of course money is not the foundation, but, for women, a man's ability to make money is part of the sex appeal, I guess. some men will hate this, others will use it. it's demand and supply in the "relationship market".

i think trust comes from respecting your partner's expectations from you, it's like a psychological contract. in time, each partner's expectations could change and if you don't change the contract (that happens a lot) the trust goes away.

 

[DeepStick2020]

Continuing to harp on a subject the other doesn't want to talk about. Instant good buy!

 

[roots reggae]

Trust in my partner.

I'm not sure what you are trying to say or read from my post.

If money is a valid foundation for a long-term relationship for you, then I hope you find the right sugar daddy/mommy or toy boy/girl for you, whatever your role and preference might be.
I however don't see the relation to your suggestion on how to raise kids. But rest assured, I currently don't need advice on that matter and I most likely wouldn't seek it on this board either.

don't be upset now...i did make a sarcastic comment though...

of course money is not the foundation, but, for women, a man's ability to make money is part of the sex appeal, I guess. some men will hate this, others will use it. it's demand and supply in the "relationship market".

i think trust comes from respecting your partner's expectations from you, it's like a psychological contract. in time, each partner's expectations could change and if you don't change the contract (that happens a lot) the trust goes away.

Both of you make very valid points.

And both of you struck a sensitive nerve in each other. Maximum respect to Lady_Lu for admitting her sarcastic remark and effort to make amends. I hope RandomTokyoGuy, a valued TAG member, can forgive and get past the barb.

From my experience, both of you are correct.

RandomTokyoGuy writes that couples must share values in a long-term relationship-so true. It's important to start building a strong foundation, especially early on. Shared values definitely are needed to do so.

Lady_Lu points out the people change and need to adjust to each other's changes. Growth is vital in a relationship. People can either grow together or grow apart. Trust is one of the casualties, but there are many others- such as affection, satisfaction, hope, resiliency, and joy in each other.

There is no one set of right or wrong in relationships. Both of you have your own values in raising kids and finances and it is obvious that what works for one of you would not work for the other. Both are valid viewpoints.