Sex on n-th date

[biggiesmallpop]

I love asking random people on a P4P site for dating advice lol.

So I was wondering how often people have sex on the first date. Personally I'd say 1 out of 10 but I never expect to. Sometimes (20%) on 2nd date and probably most in 3-5 date range and once I recall going on 6-10 dates which was excruciating.

I wonder if it would be better for girls just to have sex in the first date and see how the vibe is. It would save a lot of time since a lot of guys (me) don't have a clear head until they have sex and so you may waste three four five dates as the guy tries to pretend to be cool and etc just to have sex, only to be dumped soon after which is horrible for both parties.. ?

I guess it depends if girls are optimising for time, free meals, or trying to minimize sex w strangers (latter maybe likely).

 

[Sudsy]

It's almost like women are... distinct individuals?

 

[Alice]

I’d always prefer to have sex on the first date if I’m attracted to the person.
I don’t like that some guys base their opinion of a girl on that in a negative way though, but those kind of guys are not worth my time anyway.

Like you said, it’s a mutual waste of time if you date for a while and then you find out you are not sexually compatible.
Yes, there is definitely something to be said about building up the tension during a few dates but I feel like it’s better to just build the tension during the first date and then end it on a satisfying note.

From my limited knowledge of the mind of Japanese women, I would say if they reject sex on the first date it’s either because they want freebies (food, presents, money in case of sugar dating) and try to avoid sex all together, or because they don’t want to seem “easy” to the guy or to other people who may find out. I don’t think they care so much about their body count because most of them wouldn’t mind lying about that.

 

[jackoffinthebox]

Girls don't want to have sex right away because they dont want to seem easy and they worry about one night stands. Not all women are that way, but many japanese women are. But 2nd or 3rd date is really common.
That's why I always went with a "coffee" date first. Quick hour chat to check initial vibes. Then if it clicks you do a real date. Often that first real date resulted in some heavy physical action or sex. But as others have said, it's totally depends on both of the people involved. You do need to be wary of girls who are just looking for free meals and company or, in Japan's case, free language lessons 😂

That all being said, my current partner was just a normal friend for like months until I caught the feels and had to ask her out as a romantic partner and not as a friend. So not all situations are the same.

 

[Fukuoka Jones]

a lot of guys (me) don't have a clear head until they have sex

This is key. P4P is for your brain. It helps you better evaluate things. Such as what you are after when you're on a real date.

 

[biggiesmallpop]

It's almost like women are... distinct individuals?

We're talking about generalizations here. Yes it depends on the person but that goes without saying when you're posting questions on the net forums. Talking statistics here buddy

 

[biggiesmallpop]

I’d always prefer to have sex on the first date if I’m attracted to the person.
I don’t like that some guys base their opinion of a girl on that in a negative way though, but those kind of guys are not worth my time anyway.

Yes unfair gender standards. Appreciate your viewpoint - it's great to have a forum w/ women

...or because they don’t want to seem “easy” to the guy or to other people who may find out. I don’t think they care so much about their body count because most of them wouldn’t mind lying about that.

That's my guess too. Gender bias/stereotypes around 1st date sex.

Also feel I've met girls who don't really like sex so they use it as a tool - the ones who enjoy it seems more likely to follow their passion and engage early!

 

[Sudsy]

Talking statistics here buddy

I’m not your buddy, pal.

 

[jackoffinthebox]

We're talking about generalizations here. Yes it depends on the person but that goes without saying when you're posting questions on the net forums. Talking statistics here buddy

Sarcasm doesn't translate well in text form

 

[MikeH]

I’m not your buddy, pal.

I'm not your pal, chum.

 

[designer08]

I’d always prefer to have sex on the first date if I’m attracted to the person.
I don’t like that some guys base their opinion of a girl on that in a negative way though, but those kind of guys are not worth my time anyway.

Like you said, it’s a mutual waste of time if you date for a while and then you find out you are not sexually compatible.
Yes, there is definitely something to be said about building up the tension during a few dates but I feel like it’s better to just build the tension during the first date and then end it on a satisfying note.

From my limited knowledge of the mind of Japanese women, I would say if they reject sex on the first date it’s either because they want freebies (food, presents, money in case of sugar dating) and try to avoid sex all together, or because they don’t want to seem “easy” to the guy or to other people who may find out. I don’t think they care so much about their body count because most of them wouldn’t mind lying about that.

Alice, I'm curious about your opinion on Japanese women who want to get married? I ask because recently I went on many dates with someone who mentioned that, she would only be in a relationship with someone she could consider marriage material but the first step is to win her heart. Idiotically so, I followed this route even though I knew better and a few months later and a lot of finances spent, "sorry, there's no feeling."

I don't want to make it seem like it was on her. I was very pushy at times and admittedly so, the dullness of no physical touch showed very clearly into the second month of dating.
I was interested in hearing a female opinion on this.

 

[DireWolf98]

A friend of mine in New York is married to a Japanese girl. One day, we strayed upon the subject of premarital sex.

She isn't from a super high class background, so it's not as if she was from super restricted upbringing. Surprisingly, she launched into a lecture about how many Japanese girls wait weeks or even months to have sex. She never heard about the Three Date Rule.

I expressed skepticism and she pushed back verbally.

This is an issue now because I am actively dating. In the past, I had various experiences. As usual, YMMV.

 

[YokoMonger]

There's the opinion people hold, then there's what people do when caught up in the moment. You can't really ask guys that do pick-ups/nanpa as part of the method is knowing what locations to wander to help increase chance of getting the contact and setting up the first date. They also have tactics for the first date that makes transition to sex smoother (how to encourage going from quiet restaurant, to karaoke box, to room, to sex friend). To the Nanpa guy, ladies seem to be ok with sex on the first date, while if you had asked the ladies beforehand they likely weren't planning on having sex.

From a nanpa side of things though, if a lady is not sexual with you by the third date, you probably shouldn't arrange a 4th date if sex was the goal.

 

[Sudsy]

she launched into a lecture about how many Japanese girls wait weeks or even months to have sex.

She's right - many of them will do that. This is husband trapping 101, make him work for it, and dole out just enough to keep him on the line.

You're also asking her in the context of being her husband's friend, so of course she won't cop to having had a slutty side pre-nuptials.

The flip to that, though, is that many of these women also have other guys - during the bubble era they even had specific "codenames".

• The husband target was Honmei-kun (奔馬いくん)
• Kiipu-kun (Kiipu-kun (キープくん) was the backup she "kept" in case things went sideways with Honmei
• Mitsugu-kun (貢ぐくん) or Meshi-kun (飯くん) was the guy that gave her nice presents, money, or nice dinners
• Ashi-kun (足くん) was the guy with a car who'd take her places
• Benri-kun (便利くん) was the guy who would fix things or do things for her
• Cord-kun (コードくん) was the guy who could give her tech support (hook up the VCR etc.)
• and then there was Nesshi-kun (寝っしくん) who was good in bed and not good for anything else.

Not sure if the names are still current, but the practice sure is.

 

[HelloMyTwenties]

Alice, I'm curious about your opinion on Japanese women who want to get married? I ask because recently I went on many dates with someone who mentioned that, she would only be in a relationship with someone she could consider marriage material but the first step is to win her heart. Idiotically so, I followed this route even though I knew better and a few months later and a lot of finances spent, "sorry, there's no feeling."

I don't want to make it seem like it was on her. I was very pushy at times and admittedly so, the dullness of no physical touch showed very clearly into the second month of dating.
I was interested in hearing a female opinion on this.

You got played. Plenty of women looking for chumps willing to give them a free meal or worse, a sexless wallet husband. I guarantee she’s slept with other men on a first date before. You just didn’t meet whatever criteria she has.

It doesn’t matter what country you’re in. Girls will say whatever bullshit they think they can get away with. But they make exceptions for guys they really want. If you’re not getting physical by the third date, it’s not going to go anywhere worthwhile.

And from a cultural perspective, things like nanpa and sleeping within 3 dates are extremely normal. Sex friends, etc are also normal. Many women won’t admit it (social expectations, image, etc) but they do it all the same.

 

[jackoffinthebox]

You got played. Plenty of women looking for chumps willing to give them a free meal or worse, a sexless wallet husband. I guarantee she’s slept with other men on a first date before. You just didn’t meet whatever criteria she has.

It doesn’t matter what country you’re in. Girls will say whatever bullshit they think they can get away with. But they make exceptions for guys they really want. If you’re not getting physical by the third date, it’s not going to go anywhere worthwhile.

And from a cultural perspective, things like nanpa and sleeping within 3 dates are extremely normal. Sex friends, etc are also normal. Many women won’t admit it (social expectations, image, etc) but they do it all the same.

This is a lesson I wish I learned when I was much much younger. If you value the physical relationship you need to make sure it's a priority and that it isn't treated as a side show to the other parts. If a girl doesn't value the physical part as the same level as you, you need to be able to walk away or you are going to be unfaithful or miserable

 

[DireWolf98]

She's right - many of them will do that. This is husband trapping 101, make him work for it, and dole out just enough to keep him on the line.

You're also asking her in the context of being her husband's friend, so of course she won't cop to having had a slutty side pre-nuptials.

The flip to that, though, is that many of these women also have other guys - during the bubble era they even had specific "codenames".

• The husband target was Honmei-kun (奔馬いくん)
• Kiipu-kun (Kiipu-kun (キープくん) was the backup she "kept" in case things went sideways with Honmei
• Mitsugu-kun (貢ぐくん) or Meshi-kun (飯くん) was the guy that gave her nice presents, money, or nice dinners
• Ashi-kun (足くん) was the guy with a car who'd take her places
• Benri-kun (便利くん) was the guy who would fix things or do things for her
• Cord-kun (コードくん) was the guy who could give her tech support (hook up the VCR etc.)
• and then there was Nesshi-kun (寝っしくん) who was good in bed and not good for anything else.

Not sure if the names are still current, but the practice sure is.

I remember those nicknames! Single girls used them too.

My friend's wife sort ambushed me with her diatribe because we were discussing my expectations for a specific J-Girl in New York. Among other things, she's a bit of a Weather Girl.

 

[designer08]

You got played. Plenty of women looking for chumps willing to give them a free meal or worse, a sexless wallet husband. I guarantee she’s slept with other men on a first date before. You just didn’t meet whatever criteria she has.

It doesn’t matter what country you’re in. Girls will say whatever bullshit they think they can get away with. But they make exceptions for guys they really want. If you’re not getting physical by the third date, it’s not going to go anywhere worthwhile.

And from a cultural perspective, things like nanpa and sleeping within 3 dates are extremely normal. Sex friends, etc are also normal. Many women won’t admit it (social expectations, image, etc) but they do it all the same.

I appreciate the reply so much! thank you

 

[DireWolf98]

I'm a bit north of 40 years old now.

For various reasons, I would like to have a girlfriend. My best prospects are in Tokyo.

 

[Alice]

Alice, I'm curious about your opinion on Japanese women who want to get married? I ask because recently I went on many dates with someone who mentioned that, she would only be in a relationship with someone she could consider marriage material but the first step is to win her heart. Idiotically so, I followed this route even though I knew better and a few months later and a lot of finances spent, "sorry, there's no feeling."

I don't want to make it seem like it was on her. I was very pushy at times and admittedly so, the dullness of no physical touch showed very clearly into the second month of dating.
I was interested in hearing a female opinion on this.

Hard to say with so little information.
I do think there are certain girls who ask for dates in really expensive restaurants or other expensive places (premium cinema, theme parks and so on) and even ask for expensive birthday and Christmas gifts but when the guy initiates anything physical they play prudes. Dating for presents might not even be limited to girls, I think there was a guy in the news recently who made loads of girlfriends just so he could collect birthday presents.

However if she did not specifically ask for fancy restaurants and expensive alcohol and outings to places she is specifically into but are not cheap and even gifts.
If she didn’t ask for anything like that in particular and just went on regular dates I suppose there isn’t much to it and she was actually trying to see if she could catch serious feelings for you or not and realized it just didn’t work for her. You being pushy probably extended the period of dating but had a negative effect on the conclusion in the end, but it was likely not leading anywhere either way.

You could always try to insist girls who go on regular dates with you pay warikan though and see if they are still interested…

Young girls are more likely to play the field and lead guys on imo, while late 30s ladies are often eager to actually get married.

 

[designer08]

Hard to say with so little information.
I do think there are certain girls who ask for dates in really expensive restaurants or other expensive places (premium cinema, theme parks and so on) and even ask for expensive birthday and Christmas gifts but when the guy initiates anything physical they play prudes. Dating for presents might not even be limited to girls, I think there was a guy in the news recently who made loads of girlfriends just so he could collect birthday presents.

However if she did not specifically ask for fancy restaurants and expensive alcohol and outings to places she is specifically into but are not cheap and even gifts.
If she didn’t ask for anything like that in particular and just went on regular dates I suppose there isn’t much to it and she was actually trying to see if she could catch serious feelings for you or not and realized it just didn’t work for her. You being pushy probably extended the period of dating but had a negative effect on the conclusion in the end, but it was likely not leading anywhere either way.

You could always try to insist girls who go on regular dates with you pay warikan though and see if they are still interested…

Young girls are more likely to play the field and lead guys on imo, while late 30s ladies are often eager to actually get married.

@Alice I'm so sorry for the late reply, just saw this. Thank you for your feedback. I know everyone's time is limited so I deeply appreciated it

Just to clarify, no it was never asked for, just graciously accepted.

 

[WagyuManko]

 

[bakarjapan]

In my country Italy, sex at first appointment it’s pretty common.
We don’t like waste of time

 

[shirowhite]

I love asking random people on a P4P site for dating advice lol.

So I was wondering how often people have sex on the first date. Personally I'd say 1 out of 10 but I never expect to. Sometimes (20%) on 2nd date and probably most in 3-5 date range and once I recall going on 6-10 dates which was excruciating.

I wonder if it would be better for girls just to have sex in the first date and see how the vibe is. It would save a lot of time since a lot of guys (me) don't have a clear head until they have sex and so you may waste three four five dates as the guy tries to pretend to be cool and etc just to have sex, only to be dumped soon after which is horrible for both parties.. ?

I guess it depends if girls are optimising for time, free meals, or trying to minimize sex w strangers (latter maybe likely).

I would wait for the girl to make the move. I suggested it once on the first date with an ex-supermodel I met online by asking if she could stay over at my hotel and she was mad. I had invested a lot and stayed loyal the whole time. If she couldn't overlook me asking, then it's not worth it. You can dedicate your all to someone and they won't necessarily reciprocate. So I decided to live for myself and that's when I started on P4P. It took up years of my life so I had to fast track my goals for the remainder of my youth.

 

[YokoMonger]

Don't think I've ever had sex on the first date where I actually asked verbally for it. It's always been non verbal progression of intimate contact from hand, shoulder, kissing, groping, then more from there. Of course this requires some form of privacy for the more intimate portions which is why I like karaoke booths.

Full consent, just not as cringe as asking permission for penis in vagina. Well, outside of happening bars.