What Happens To Ex Spouses After They Divorce And Move Out Of Their Parent's House?

[TokyoJoeblow]

I'm worried about what will happen to my wife after we divorce. Her mother hates me and even tells us to get divorced so that is a good sign, but I worry that maybe her mom might disown her daughter since her daughter loves me and she hates me?

I also worry about her mother moving into a retirement home (her husband passed away recently) and then my wife would have nowhere to go?

If her mother is still living in this apartment, then of course she would be able to just come live with her again, but if here mom moves into some retirement home for the elderly widows...then my wife will indeed have nowhere to go.

I feel that she is kind of dependent, but she has expressed the desire to be more independent. I thought about moving into a place with her just so that she has some idea what living away from home is like...but then again I might end up in a situation where we are stuck with each other forever...

She doesn't work full time and doesn't earn much. She doesn't have a college degree as well...so I don't know how she could continue life in Japan without me or another man to marry down the road? Are there financial aid programs for women that end up in situations like this?

Even if the marriage isn't a happy one, I will feel terrible if she really doesn't have anywhere else to go?

Would it be possible if we were sharing a place, for me to move out and just have a new contract signed with the same place only in her name, provided she can afford the monthly rent/utilities?

 

[calippo]

I am puzzled. You worry so much for her, she loves you more than her mother and you are talking about divorce?
Actually, I am moving to Japan because after seven years living in Italy with my Japanese wife we came to deeply hate each other, but having a daughter we can't just ignore her and mind our business. So, I am really into what you are talking about now, but with a reversed point of view

 

[Desktop]

Shouldn't you be worried about your visa? In other threads you talk about your wife won't divorce you while I strongly think if one knows their husband is actively trying to get as many women as they can(all assumed from your post) they might file for divorce before your renewal.
I believe women are adaptable & usually can find work or a new man.

 

[TokyoJoeblow]

Shouldn't you be worried about your visa? In other threads you talk about your wife won't divorce you while I strongly think if one knows their husband is actively trying to get as many women as they can(all assumed from your post) they might file for divorce before your renewal.
I believe women are adaptable & usually can find work or a new man.

Well, I'm not too worried about my visa because I don't mind having to leave Japan (Mr. Chavers, you can cue the celebratory music). I could always return to Japan anytime in the future and meet another woman, should I want to get married in Japan again.

The marriage has just become really complicated as my wife is the dependent type. She doesn't want to divorce not only because love, but because she doesn't think she will meet another guy who will marry her or even like her...

She wants to hold onto me forever because she doesn't want to be alone forever and I totally understand what she is feeling, but I don't know what to do.

I guess we would both keep living together and just divorce once she meets another man...which might not even happen.

She doesn't have a college degree, so she is unable to really get full time/good paying work and be the single, independent type Japanese woman...

 

[NormalGuy]

Don't let her happiness be reliant on you, it's not fair on either party. You shouldn't stay in the relationship because she "may" never meet another man.
She needs to become a more independent woman, and that isn't going to happen if she has you as her crutch. Maybe she hasn't got a degree, but that wouldn't stop her making a living and finding happiness. She may never live mid Tokyo, in a 500k apartment, but most people can afford to live alone and survive on a modest amount of money (50k per month in Chiba for example). She at least then can grow as a person, maybe meet someone and be happy.

I don't think you are doing her any favors, despite your intentions being good. All the while you are passing time waiting to get out of the relationship are her best years for finding someone that will make her happy long term. Not sure how old she is, but don't drag it out especially if she wants kids and you have no intention of providing.

 

[TokyoJoeblow]

Don't let her happiness be reliant on you, it's not fair on either party. You shouldn't stay in the relationship because she "may" never meet another man.
She needs to become a more independent woman, and that isn't going to happen if she has you as her crutch. Maybe she hasn't got a degree, but that wouldn't stop her making a living and finding happiness. She may never live mid Tokyo, in a 500k apartment, but most people can afford to live alone and survive on a modest amount of money (50k per month in Chiba for example). She at least then can grow as a person, maybe meet someone and be happy.

I don't think you are doing her any favors, despite your intentions being good. All the while you are passing time waiting to get out of the relationship are her best years for finding someone that will make her happy long term. Not sure how old she is, but don't drag it out especially if she wants kids and you have no intention of providing.

I agree on all your points. I don't want to be her crutch and her happiness and I also don't want to string her along. I'm definitely not keeping things going with her longer just because of a visa, but because she just lost her father, which would be tough for anyone.

My intentions are indeed good and I want to make sure she is able to either meet someone or at least find a reasonably priced place to live that she could afford on her own.

Are there really apartments available in Japan that single, part time working women can afford (utilities + food as well)? She only earns about 50,000 yen...a month.

 

[Wwanderer]

My advice is somewhat different from @NormalGuy 's. I agree that you do not have total responsibility for her life, should not be her crutch and cannot be expected to solve all of her problems. Theere will need to be limits and drawing them is her responsibility as well as yours.

But, that said, if you have been a major part of someone's life, and they need help you have the ability to give, you should follow your good intentions even if there is nothing (more) in it for you because...well, because they are indeed just that...good. Be good to people, help them when you can. The day will come when you need someone to be good to you, to help you. Goes around, comes around etc. The concern for her well being reflects well on you; ignoring that concern would not.

-Ww

 

[Wwanderer]

She only earns about 50,000 yen...a month.

Seriously? If that is the number (less than US$10,000 per year), she will eventually need to find a full time or more full time job or another man to support her or...

-Ww

 

[TokyoJoeblow]

My advice is somewhat different from @NormalGuy 's. I agree that you do not have total responsibility for her life, should not be her crutch and cannot be expected to solve all of her problems. Theere will need to be limits and drawing them is her responsibility as well as yours.

But, that said, if you have been a major part of someone's life, and they need help you have the ability to give, you should follow your good intentions even if there is nothing (more) in it for you because...well, because they are indeed just that...good. Be good to people, help them when you can. The day will come when you need someone to be good to you, to help you. Goes around, comes around etc. The concern for her well being reflects well on you; ignoring that concern would not.

-Ww

Yes, this is good advice as well. I know that if we had a child and got divorced, then obviously, I would have to pay child support, but we don't have a child. I don't think I would need to financially support an ex wife if we don't have any children yes? I still thought about helping her out financially anyway because I know divorce can be really tough on women working part time and not earning much to top it off. I could always just give her a flat amount each month or just lend her some money to help her makes end meet...

 

[TokyoJoeblow]

Seriously? If that is the number (less than US$10,000 per year), she will eventually need to find a full time or more full time job or another man to support her or...

-Ww

or...pretty much become a crazy, homeless woman right? That is frightening and I wouldn't wish such a future on anyone. I surely don't want to be responsible for her ending up like this.

I don't want her to be added to the ひんこんじょし population.

 

[Wwanderer]

In addition to any direct financial help you might give her, helping her find a better job or to increase her hours, helping her deal with her mother (who also has responsibility for her daughter to some degree of course), helping her find affordable housing etc may be equally or more important...basically *showing* (as opposed to just telling) her that she is not all alone in the world without any help or support may be crucial to her future well being. Doing it without letting her become dependent on you will be a challenge.

I can't help but be reminded of my comment to @Sinapse in a recent PUA thread that meeting and seducing women is the easy part of relationships...

Good luck to you both.

-Ww

 

[TokyoJoeblow]

In addition to any direct financial help you might give her, helping her find a better job or to increase her hours, helping her deal with her mother (who also has responsibility for her daughter to some degree of course), helping her find affordable housing etc may be equally or more important...basically *showing* (as opposed to just telling) her that she is not all alone in the world without any help or support may be crucial to her future well being. Doing it without letting her become dependent on you will be a challenge.

I can't help but be reminded of my comment to @Sinapse in a recent PUA thread that meeting and seducing women is the easy part of relationships...

Good luck to you both.

-Ww

I even offered for her to go back to college to earn a 4 year degree while I work full time and pay the bills. She is open to the idea, but told me that most companies hire people straight out of college (the actual college-age students not the ones to go back a decade later). She is considering college again, but believes it might be a waste of time due to this strict hiring system?

 

[Wwanderer]

I even offered for her to go back to college to earn a 4 year degree while I work full time and pay the bills. She is open to the idea, but told me that most companies hire people straight out of college (the actual college-age students not the ones to go back a decade later). She is considering college again, but believes it might be a waste of time due to this strict hiring system?

I have heard similar things from other young Japanese people, but while it is probably the general system, surely there must be some exceptions. I just have no idea at all whether there are enough of them to be relevant/meaningful.

If her English is good enough (married to an English teacher after all!), that might give her access to some job opportuities that others do not have. With the Olympics coming, I'd guess that the demand for people who can communicate in English well enough to interface with the many foreign visitors that The Games will bring should increase sharply.

-Ww

 

[Quietlife]

Without wishing to scare you, and I hope your wife is not the same, I would like to relate my story.

I was unhappily married to a wife that depended on me but all too easily abused my kind nature. When I eventually mentioned divorce she threatened suicide as she was mature, had no university degree and no pension. Her mother had recently died adding more stress to the situation. It took me a year and a half to risk leaving her. I couldn't face the consequences.

After leaving, I continued paying her rent as long as I could and waited patiently for her to agree to sign the divorce papers. It took another two and a half years for her to sign.

Eventually we divorced. In the meantime I had applied and received permanent residency.

It was a very hard few years, to say the least.

A couple of years later a mutual friend told me she had 'disappeared' as it's often called.

Do I feel guilty? No. I tried everything I could to make the marriage work. But we are not responsible for the deeply unhappy feelings other people have. Staying might destroy you TJB. Then the marriage would fail anyway.

 

[TokyoJoeblow]

Without wishing to scare you, and I hope your wife is not the same, I would like to relate my story.

I was unhappily married to a wife that depended on me but all too easily abused my kind nature. When I eventually mentioned divorce she threatened suicide as she was mature, had no university degree and no pension. Her mother had recently died adding more stress to the situation. It took me a year and a half to risk leaving her. I couldn't face the consequences.

After leaving, I continued paying her rent as long as I could and waited patiently for her to agree to sign the divorce papers. It took another two and a half years for her to sign.

Eventually we divorced. In the meantime I had applied and received permanent residency.

It was a very hard few years, to say the least.

A couple of years later a mutual friend told me she had 'disappeared' as it's often called.

Do I feel guilty? No. I tried everything I could to make the marriage work. But we are not responsible for the deeply unhappy feelings other people have. Staying might destroy you TJB. Then the marriage would fail anyway.

I appreciate you sharing your story...it is almost the same as mine...uncanny. She is a sweet woman, I just don't think she can make it in the world on her own. I honestly think that maybe having a child with her could stir up some new love with her? I was never dying to have children as I'm more the wanderlust type guy, but it would be pretty cool creating life and having a child. Then again, I need to think a lot about this entire situation. I don't want her to "disappear". She is kind of naive and I don't want her to end up in some human trafficking ring, etc.

 

[Wwanderer]

@Quietlife - It sounds like you did the best you could by her, and I hope that you feel some comfort/peace with that knowledge even though things may have turned out badly. If you had it to do over again, you might have done some things differently (probably...too difficult a situation to get everything right, surely), but wouldn't you still have wanted to do as much as you could practically do to help her?

-Ww

 

[Quietlife]

By 'disappear' I mean she committed suicide.

To be honest, in your case I think a child would be a bad idea at this point. It may indeed give her great purpose, and might bring you closer together, but it's a gamble. And a child is a great responsibility. Could you deal with your own feelings of being trapped?

You receive your fair share of hecklers on Tag, but equally I am sure you realise that people here want the best for you and do care about you. Many long term residents go through great difficulties at some point.

 

[Wwanderer]

Having a child to solve relationship problems is widely considered to be a terrible idea, though not an uncommon move among people trying to find a way to stay together. From what I have observed in my life, it rarely turns out well for anyone involved, including most of all the child...except, I suppose, in the sense that the child would otherwise never have existed at all.

-Ww

 

[TokyoJoeblow]

By 'disappear' I mean she committed suicide.

To be honest, in your case I think a child would be a bad idea at this point. It may indeed give her great purpose, and might bring you closer together, but it's a gamble. And a child is a great responsibility. Could you deal with your own feelings of feeling trapped?

You receive your fair share of hecklers on Tag, but equally I am sure you realise that people here want the best for you and do care about you. Many long term residents go through great difficulties at some point.

I'm sorry to hear about that and I'm sorry that I didn't clearly know what you meant the first time around. I hope that this all works out...life finds a way I suppose.

 

[Quietlife]

Thanks TBJ. No problem at all. I do wish you well, though. Sometimes there is no easy solution to the situations we create for ourselves or stumble blindly into. Luckily, you can express your frustrations here. And better that, than let them drive you crazy.

 

[DJV]

I honestly think that maybe having a child with her could stir up some new love with her?

Trying having a child before or after talking separation are 2 very different things. In the second case you'd better seriously consider what happens to the child in all cases (you stay together, you split, anything).
Being a parent changes you forever, and it's a challenge no matter the situation you are in. By this I mean a very positive challenge, provided the parents are not in overwhelming poverty and without help.

 

[TokyoJoeblow]

Thanks TBJ. No problem at all. I do wish you well, though. Sometimes there is no easy solution to the situations we create for ourselves or stumble blindly into. Luckily, you can express your frustrations here. And better that, than let them drive you crazy.

Not only is this a place to express frustration, seek advice and information...it is a great place to relate to others.

 

[calippo]

I don't know how many of you have children with Japanese women, so I can only present my personal point of view. However, I have one and having talked with other friends with exactly the same situation as me, I encourage you to don't go that route; especially in your case, as she have problems with her mother-daughter relationship.

 

[TokyoJoeblow]

Well even though her mother's insurance is going up due to me living with her and the wife, she said it is alright if me and my wife life here with her until the day she passes away. Although life can be stressful with an in-law, it would provide more support for my wife and that is less stress on me.

 

[basketcase]

Do you and your wife love each other? Do you get along? Does grammy hate you just because your not Japanese?
If so: Move further away from Grandma.. If she lives with you get her OUT or move elsewhere until she gets to accept you. Be frank with your wife and tell her that grams's gotta go (nicely)..
If not: If you get divorced your ex-wife will almost assuredly move back in with grandma and if you have a child there is a VERY high likelihood that you will never see your daughter again. Especially if you leave Japan.